Chapter Sixty-Two: Numb
They were cheering.
From the way they were celebrating, it was if they had won the war, not just a battle, and had not just committed atrocities in the process. Booze was being passed around like there was an infinite supply of it, and what few Naturals had been taken prisoner were having stuff thrown at them, kneecaps broken by crude tools, faces swollen from taking so many punches and kicks.
None of the Naturals were going to survive today. Eventually their wounds would kill them, or somebody was just going to pull out a gun and put a few bullets in their brains.
There was nothing I could do. And it was killing me.
I let Athrun lead me away from the sickening spectacle and I found myself inside what seemed to be a small office.
We were back at Carpentaria now, back where this whole ordeal with ZAFT had begun. I had sat through the whole trip here in silence. I barely remember a thing, I don't know if I was functioning at all besides simply breathing. The images of that GINN obliterating that group of Earth Alliance soldiers wouldn't leave my head. They continued to flash vividly in front of my mind, and it was taking deliberate concentration to avoid thinking about them at all.
And the more I tried to ignore it, the harder the images tried to burn into my head.
Not just the images. The sounds. The movements of a GINN had taken on a stygian meaning now, something evil and monstrous. And the screams and cries of the soldiers, replaced by noises so warped I can't describe them, made it seem like I had experienced a scene of hell itself.
It occurred to me that Athrun had his arm around me. He had been doing that, since we had left Panama and went on our way back to Carpentaria.
He was still trying to be strong, trying to pretend that the display hadn't affected him in its own right.
"They're celebrating," I finally said.
"I know."
"They're celebrating murder. Genocide. Do they have any idea of what they're doing?"
Athrun didn't reply to that. It obviously meant 'I don't know'.
"What happened back in Panama, what they did . . . what I let them do . . . it's evil. I let them do something so evil, and . . ."
I had been on the verge of crying the couple of days after Panama. But the tears weren't coming. Maybe it hadn't fully hit me yet. Maybe I couldn't accept what happened yet. Maybe I was just trying to lie to myself and pretend that such a display couldn't happen at all.
"It wasn't your fault. Neither of us could've done anything," Athrun said.
I wanted to slap him for that. I knew there was something else we could've done. But I couldn't figure out what that was. It just seemed out of my reach, like my mind couldn't get through my mental haze to figure out what it could be. Maybe it was an illusion and it wasn't there at all.
Regardless, Athrun had thrown himself into me so I wouldn't get shot up with the prisoners. So far, no one had reported that. Either the pilot had completely forgotten about that, or I was far from the only objector to the carnage and there were just too many people who had gotten in the way to be worth prosecuting for . . . whatever. Maybe in their heads what I had done was obstruct justice.
How ironic was that? The pilot of Justice couldn't insure any kind of justice at all. What I had seen wasn't justice at all. Only vengeance, and a bestial, cruel kind at that.
What right did ZAFT have to give a GUNDAM the lofty name of 'Justice' when their soldiers committed acts like that?
"There was still something," I said. "There must have been."
"We are two snakes eating each other's tails," said a new voice.
I turned and I saw Rau Le Creuset standing there over the two of us. With him standing us and we sitting down, Le Creuset seemed to tower over us, like he could squish us like ants. The feelings I had the moment I saw him were chilling more than ever.
"The Earth Alliance sacrificed much of the military strength still left in the Eurasian Federation to destroy the bulk of our forces. Enraged, we go and ratchet up the tension, demanding blood for blood, and slaughter Atlantic Federation civilians and prisoners of war who ultimately had nothing to do with the JOSH-A explosion. All that will happen is that the two sides will want to kill each other even more."
It was a succinct way to describe the current situation. The way he was talking, however, seemed like he was almost expecting this to occur, and I didn't like it.
"What can we do to try to stop this before it gets worse?" I asked.
"I don't know if it can be stopped at this point," Le Creuset replied. "Regardless, we no longer have the military strength to conquer the Earth. We will be lucky to hold onto the territory we have gained. It is likely that the Republic of East Asia and the Atlantic Federation will chase us off the planet within a few months, ensuring a bloody stalemate."
"That means this war won't have a victor," Athrun said.
"Oh, it could have a victor, it just won't be us. Barring drastic action, the victor will be the Earth Alliance, though I wonder how interested they will be in peace once they discover the wanton destruction and massacres committed in Panama," Le Creuset replied.
"You can't say that, sir!" Athrun was standing up then, clearly still intending to argue the point. "One thing we have that they don't are the GUNDAMs."
"Who are all being transferred into outer space to be repaired," Le Creuset replied. "Now, it is possible we will manage to win a war of attrition in space as well, so perhaps not all hope is lost for us yet. It will take months for the Earth Alliance to build a new Mass Driver, and in that amount of time they will not have any forces left in space."
He put his hand on Athrun's shoulder, as if to mollify Athrun. "All five of you fought bravely. You knew that the EMP would activate and fry all of your systems. You drew away the enemy Mobile Suit force so they wouldn't be able to prevent the activation of the Gungnirs. This will at least trap the Earth Alliance on Earth for a few crucial months, barring we don't give them intact Mass Drivers when we withdraw."
"Yeah, but from the sounds of it, this war isn't ending anytime soon because of what we did," Athrun replied.
"Our chance to end the war on our own terms came and went when JOSH-A exploded. The Earth Alliance had a brilliant trap set and we walked right into it," Le Creuset replied. "Now, the only thing we can do is to ensure the Earth Alliance remains trapped on Earth, unable to supply their fleet. If we can destroy their fleets while we give the Earth Alliance no intact Mass Drivers, we will still have a chance. But of course that depends on a lot of factors."
He turned around, as if to depart. "In the meantime, the five of you are withdrawing to space, as am I. The GUNDAMs are irreparable except in zero gravity, and it'd be a waste to deploy all of you in GINNs or DINNs. We need to rapidly repair the machines in case the five of you are needed in a hurry."
"I understand, sir," Athrun said.
Le Creuset vanished then, leaving Athrun and I by ourselves.
"He sounds like ZAFT is going to lose the war," I finally said.
"No. It came off to me like he's expecting both sides to kill each other," Athrun replied.
Neither possibility sounded appealing.
It took a few days to return to PLANT. It was hard to believe, but I had been a member of ZAFT for nearly two months. Much of it was simply spent in transit from location to location, and hadn't allowed me to truly know my teammates all that well, besides Athrun of course. Nicol seemed nice, Dearka seemed to bounce between being nice, sarcastic, and rude, and Asta . . . the less said about her, the better. We still weren't on speaking terms during that whole flight back to PLANT.
But it hadn't helped me assimilate into the culture at all. I still felt like a foreigner. I didn't feel like I belongedin a PLANT or in ZAFT. And after what had happened in front of my eyes, I didn't want to assimilate. I didn't want to become one of these people. I didn't belong and I didn't want to and I was damn sure I never would. What I wanted was to return home, but I wasn't sure how or even if I could. How could I escape? Should I even try, considering what it would likely do to Athrun psychologically and professionally?
I wasn't going to fight for a side that would ruthlessly exterminate its enemies. There was no way. I wasn't going to witness such evil again, or just stand by and let it occur. But trying to stop the atrocities on my own would surely be suicidal. I had promised myself that I would live, so my family could see me again, so I could apologize to everyone. What I had done in Panama had nearly gotten me killed and then where would I be?
I didn't know what to do. I was frightened and confused and angry and I desperately needed some guidance. But I didn't know who I could turn to, other than Athrun, and I didn't want Athrun to get in trouble.
And I couldn't get the images out of my head either. I couldn't sleep without seeing the atrocity all over again, or hearing the gunshots, the screaming, the whirring of the Mobile Suit as it stomped on the bloodied, mangled corpses. Every moment of sleep threatened to turn into a cruel nightmare. It was worse than Artemis, worse than when I had killed people in Tassil, worse than even losing Murrue. At least Murrue didn't come back to haunt my dreams, destroyed as I felt over losing her.
I had gotten into this to destroy Blue Cosmos. I hadn't gotten one step closer to accomplishing this at all. All I had done was witness two slaughters that I could not prevent.
Was this truly the right way for me?
I was thinking this the whole trip back to the closest PLANT. They were repairing the GUNDAMs the best they could during the travel to the PLANT, but it would at least be another few days before they'd be operational. But I wasn't sure whether I wanted to pilot the Justice anymore. There was no 'justice' in what ZAFT was doing. All they were looking to do was exterminate innocent Naturals who had nothing to do with the people who blew up JOSH-A to kill all of us.
But if I gave up the Justice, someone else would just take my place. ZAFT wouldn't miss a beat. And I would be on the record as an objector and who knew what would happen to me then.
I was locked in place, like I was in a jail cell with the key thrown away. It just seemed so hopeless.
After landing in PLANT, Athrun and I quickly found ourselves separated from the rest of the team. "Are you okay?" he finally asked.
"Just thinking. I still can't sleep, though," I replied.
"I know. You have bags under your eyes," Athrun said.
"Like I didn't know that already," I snapped.
Getting mad at Athrun wasn't going to solve anything and internally I knew that. But I couldn't help myself. I was just so frustrated.
"Sorry," he said.
"No, I shouldn't be ripping your head off. I'm just . . ."
"What happened there shouldn't have happened at all. I don't know what was wrong with him, but . . ."
"Athrun, I don't want to talk about it."
"But Cagalli . . ."
"I said I don't want to talk about it."
There lied the crux of the problem. I couldn't talk about it, but I knew I had to. It just couldn't be Athrun. What I wanted was my parents, but they could be all the way across the galaxy for that it mattered, there was no way I could contact them or reach them. I wondered if they thought I was dead all over again.
How would they ever know?
"Look," Athrun said. "I know you're going to need a place to stay. I know you're probably mad at my father right now, but from what I've heard he's barely been at our estate since he became Chairman."
I knew why Athrun was offering me the place to stay, but I also knew I had to say no. "Athrun, what if your father knows what I did . . . in Panama?"
Athrun's eyes widened.
"He despises the Naturals, Athrun. What if he approves of the kind of massacres that happened in Panama?"
"My father . . . he'd never go that far," Athrun said softly. But there was a halting tone to his voice that suggested that there was a possibility he would.
"What makes you think he wouldn't?"
That's when a car pulled up. The tinted window rolled down and I saw Hilda Harken behind the wheel.
"Hey!" she said, giving me a casual wave.
I still remembered what she pulled back on the Archangel. She and I were not friends and I was not going to grant her the same cordiality. "I thought you were being deployed in Spitbreak."
Hilda scoffed. "Yeah. My deployment got cancelled last minute. Really pissed me off. I think I could've found the bomb or whatever it is that was used if I had been sent out there."
That sent more questions rushing through my mind. A suspicious cancellation that could have prevented the microwave bomb or whatever it was that incinerated JOSH-A and all of the forces defending and attacking it? What the hell was going on here now?
"What's your business?" Athrun asked.
"Mr. Clyne of the Supreme Council would like to see Lieutenant Yamato," Hilda replied coolly. She gave Athrun a weird look. "Do you mind?"
Athrun sighed. "No, of course not."
"Thank you." The door on the passenger side unlocked. "Get in, Lieutenant. Sorry about giving no notice, but this kind of came together at the last minute."
I still was distrustful of Hilda, but then again why would the Clynes associate with her if she was simply going to betray them too? Last time I had ridden with her, she had taken me straight to the Clynes, no tricks, no attempts to kill me, or anything like that. Surely she would do the same thing now, right?
"Okay. I get it." I put one leg into the car before I turned to Athrun. "I'll . . . see you later, all right? Maybe you should come over and see Lacus too. I'm sure she wants to see you."
"Yeah." Athrun gave me a weird, sad smile. "If I can."
That was a mysterious look on his face. What was going on there?
I decided not to worry about it and I got into the car. I braced myself for being jumped by muscle-bound thugs hiding in the rear seats, but of course there were no one.
Hilda seemed to notice my nervousness as we pulled away. "Dammit, Cagalli. I'm not going to hurt you. We're not enemies anymore."
"Considering what I've had to deal with for this entire war, you can't exactly blame me," I replied. "Especially as I have gotten myself kidnapped."
Hilda let out a short chuckle. "True."
"So what's going on?" I asked. "Why does Siegel Clyne want to see me all of a sudden?"
"Not just you, but Lacus as well," Hilda said. "I'm not privy on all of the details, but what I've heard doesn't sound very good."
"Why me and not Athrun?" I asked. "Shouldn't Lacus want to see Athrun before she sees me?"
"He didn't tell you?" Hilda asked.
I suddenly felt extremely nervous. "Tell me what?"
"Patrick Zala ordered the engagement called off. Lacus and Athrun are no longer going to be married."
The implications of why that would be haunted me for the rest of the drive.
Much to my horror, what greeted me when Hilda opened the door into the Clyne estate was more of the Haro abominations.
And they recognized me.
"It's the meanie! It's the meanie!"
"The meanie boy-like girl who yells at us! She's here to kill us all!"
"Get her! Get her!"
There seemed to be a small army of Haros about to swarm both Hilda and I when Lacus shouted "Stop!"
The Haros stopped as one and turned towards Lacus, though they kept bouncing up and down in the air. "No one is 'getting' anybody! Leave my guests alone at once!"
After various versions of "Sorry, Lacus. Sorry, Lacus," the Haros scattered, leaving us in peace.
"Now I know why those things freak you out," Hilda said to me. "I was actually debating pulling out my gun."
Lacus just laughed. "You make the Haros sound like they're evil, Hilda."
I had a feeling that Hilda and I were biting back the same snarky response, in that yes, the Haro contraptionsare evil! Evil incarnate!
Still, Lacus wasn't playing up the airhead pop princess persona this time. She was back into her politican's daughter persona, conducting herself professionally and with the maturity beyond her years. This was a massive relief to me. I didn't want to deal with the other side of Lacus at all right now. Just this Lacus, who I assumed was the real Lacus.
"Good afternoon, Cagalli," Lacus said, giving me a short bow. "I apologize for the short notice, but there's a lot happening at the moment and I want to talk with you about a few things."
"Okay, sure." I took a look around. "Your father anywhere?"
"He is in a meeting with Eileen Canaver and some of the other moderates on the Council. He'll be gone for a while . . ." The way Lacus was trailing off was worrying me.
She turned to Hilda. "Hilda, please stand guard. Tell me if you see suspicious activity outside the gates. Don't expose yourself, obviously."
Hilda's stoic reaction told me she had expected that instruction. That made me even more nervous. "I understand, ma'am."
Lacus signaled to me to follow her. "Please, Cagalli, this way."
I followed her through the hallway. "Um . . . why did you bring me here? And what's going on with Athrun? Hilda told me the engagement got called off."
Lacus did not turn to face me, but the tone of her voice told me how she felt. "Yes. It was not Athrun's decision, but his father's. I believe my father is going to be made the scapegoat over Operation Spitbreak and its failure, along with the rest of the moderate faction. Obviously, his son can't associate with the daughter of someone he's going to publicly stab in the back."
Lacus sounded hurt. It occurred to me that her feelings for Athrun had to be quite strong. "How does Athrun feel about this? Has he said anything?"
"I don't know. I haven't been able to make contact with him," Lacus replied.
"He seemed to know, he had a weird look on his face when Hilda picked me up. I don't think he particularly likes it himself," I said.
"It's all right. I hope to see Athrun personally soon, before things start moving into motion," Lacus replied.
We were in her dining room now. "What's moving into motion?" I asked.
Lacus turned towards me. "I wish my father could be the one saying this to you, but as he is not here, and in fact may not be able to make it back home in time, it has to fall to me. The PLANT moderate faction is likely going to be exterminated within the next few days, blamed as spies or traitors over the failure of Operation Spitbreak. Your name is on the list, Cagalli."
It took me several moments before it finally hit me. It didn't surprise me as much as it should have. After what happened in Panama, if the extremists really had taken over, they had irrefutable proof of my 'treachery', considering how hard I was trying to protect those prisoners.
"Obviously, the list doesn't contain every moderate in all of PLANT. They can't possibly arrest or execute them all. They just want the ones with name recognition in order to scare the remainder into falling into line," Lacus replied.
"So . . . you brought me here to protect me?" I asked.
"For the most part. It'll be a few days before this publicly begins, but they are already trying to get rid of the easiest marks, and considering you're homeless here in PLANT, you'd be one of them," Lacus said.
"Is that what you think? Athrun offered to bring me to his estate. If I was in-"
Lacus interrupted me. "Cagalli, Athrun made you that offer because he wants to protect you himself. He knows the purge is happening soon and he wanted you with him so you'd be taken off the list. Athrun doesn't know what I know, however. He doesn't know that his effort was going to be wasted . . . and might have gotten him in trouble too."
It was too much all at once. I needed to sit down. "Okay . . . let's start this over. Patrick Zala is blaming the moderate faction for Spitbreak's failure, and he's going to purge them from his administration along with anyone who might be of political or military importance. You're on the list, I'm on the list, and potentially even Athrun could be added if he tried to help you or I."
Lacus nodded solemnly. "Good summary."
"Why?" I asked.
"Patrick Zala's position as Supreme Council Chairman became tenuous once it became clear that Spitbreak failed horrifically," Lacus said. "Many in PLANT want to destroy the Naturals at all costs. Others believe the conflict will head nowhere but a bloody stalemate and wish to end the war before it gets worse. Zala has decided he's going to destroy the Naturals, no matter what it takes, and he'll even betray my father, a close friend, to achieve this."
There was an uncharacteristic bitterness in Lacus' tone that made what she said hit home. Lacus had never sounded quite so cynical before.
"But that's not all. The anti-Coordinator organization Blue Cosmos has, via proxy, taken control over the Atlantic Federation and the Republic of East Asia. They are puppet nations at this point . . . and with Eurasia's military force depleted, and the Earth Alliance's own moderates gradually being shuffled out as well . . . Blue Cosmos will ensure that the Earth Alliance's own attitudes will harden too. They are already using our massacre of Earth Alliance personnel at Panama to galvanize the populace."
This did not surprise me. However, it also showed me how difficult it would be to destroy Blue Cosmos once and for all. At the rate things were going, Blue Cosmos would be the entire world.
"The Earth Alliance is becoming desperate since losing Panama, unsurprisingly," Lacus said. "They are already beginning to bully the remaining neutral nations on Earth. However, none of them have a Mass Driver, which they need to prevent the destruction of their space forces. The only neutral nation with one left is Orb."
I couldn't speak. I literally could not speak, or even breathe. I had come out all this way, and dealt with so much, just for my home to be destroyed while I wasn't even there to protect it?
"Orb . . . Orb will never ally with the Earth Alliance. The Prime Minister will stay neutral no matter what the cost," I finally said.
"The Earth Alliance knows this. Carpentaria has sent reports of a naval fleet en route to Orb, specifically Onogoro Island," Lacus said. "In a matter of days, Cagalli . . ."
She took a deep breath and exhaled. "The Earth Alliance will attack and destroy Orb. I'm sorry."
What will happen soon is what you'd expect . . . and what you wouldn't. Teehee.
