Fantasy
Of
Utter
Ridiculousness

(Part Three)

/-/-/-/-/

A relaxing breeze. Blue skies. A luminous flash of light. A great metallic hand swatting her aside, too fast to allow her to escape...

And oblivion's darkness.

Yukari's eyes fluttered open, and her conscious thoughts came back to her a moment later. The brief memories of that attack were vivid, and the thought of someone getting the drop on her like that disgusted her. She made a mental note to drop whatever it was that caused her impromptu nap into a volcano the next time she saw it. Or smack it around a bit and invite it to have some tea, depending on her mood.

Without getting up, she surveyed the room she was in. Judging from the decor, the fairy maid asleep near the door and the gigantic portrait of Remilia Scarlet that occupied the wall across from her, she didn't need to make any guesses as to her current whereabouts. Her favorite parasol was propped up next to the maid, undamaged. Depending on how long I've been out, Ran must be pitching a fit right now looking for me. I wonder where they found me...

Yukari raised one arm gingerly and beheld it, frowning at both that and her cap's she assessed her overall condition. ...And why they even bothered with this haphazard treatment. Getting hit like that hurts, but having duelled Suika it's nothing I haven't experienced already. I just wasn't prepared for it, that's all. She lowered the arm back under the blankets and pondered her next move.

I could just let myself out. There's nothing keeping me here, and a bit of boundary tweaking would make this pain negligible. The one responsible for this needs to be dealt with, too. Another look at the snoozing fairy maid. Still, maybe I should just rest and let the healing process handle itself for a change, she thought as she smiled. After all, do I really need a reason to sleep? If there's a threat, they're strong enough to deal with it.

With that happy thought Yukari closed her eyes, pulled her blanket back up to her chin and willingly let unconsciousness reclaim her.

/-/-/-/-/

Staredown.

With the drinks finished and a decision made, both Alice and Megas had taken to the skies. The boosters on Megas's back flared brightly as the robot hovered over the trees. Both its pilot and the youkai in front of them locked determined stares, with Coop's tinged with excitement and Alice's completely calm.

Let's see... most of my patterns as they are now are geared more for human-sized opponents. If I go with those, then the magus will be unable to dodge them all. ...Not that one, no... Alice's expression became more satisfied as she made her pick. This one should do. That should leave them just enough space to thread the needle.

"I wonder what sort of attack she's going to use," Kiva was murmuring. "She told us she was a dollmaker, but what do dolls have to do with any of this?"

"I hope we find out soon." Jamie wondered for what felt like the twentieth time why they kept getting themselves into these situations. It was almost as if this robot attracted weirdness of its own initiative. "It feels like we're stepping deeper into 'Bizarro World' the longer we stay here."

"Alright, Alice," Coop declared, paying no mind to either of them; he was much more eager than they were, unsurprisingly. "I'm ready whenever you are. Bring it on!"

"And brought it shall become!" Alice shouted in response. A card with some sort of design on it- - -none of Megas's occupants could discern what it was- - -materialized in her hand. "Darkness Sign: Foggy London Dolls!"

Before Jamie or Coop could wonder what kind of name that was, the card vanished just as quickly as it appeared. The surrounding area faded from view, replaced by a dark red and black backdrop that none of the three really understood. A song that somehow straddled the line between ominous and cute began playing on the speakers- - -which were supposed to be off- - -and those up front spared a quick look at them in confusion.

Four blonde-haired dolls formed around Alice, spinning rapidly and rotating slowly around her. One by one, each doll fired a smattering of energy pellets... some pointed, and not much bigger than Coop's arm, and others orb-shaped and easily half the size of a full-grown person. The bullets swirled around the dolls and briefly formed a vague flower pattern before breaking apart and drifting towards Megas. Dozens upon dozens cut across the air, with more appearing as time went on until space itself became clogged.

"Whoa!" Coop tilted Megas onto its side, barely fitting through a thin space between some of the shots. He smacked a weapons panel; Megas's hands retracted into their respective limbs, and a half-dozen missiles fired from each cannon. That was all he had time for before he was forced to dodge sideways again; Jamie winced as two of the energy orbs brushed against Megas's fins without really hitting them.

The missiles that Megas fired homed in on Alice, but exploded just short of her. When the smoke cleared, the cause of this was revealed to be a bright red energy shield, a large triangle occupying the center of it. She smiled as the card continued to run its course. "You have the right idea, Coop, but you'll need persistence and patience if you're going to win a Spell Card match."

As if to drive the statement home, one of the pointed bullets hit Megas's left arm; the entire mech shuddered with the hit, the supposed damage far out of proportion to the bullet's size. The card's attack pattern vanished into thin air, granting Coop a brief respite, but it wasn't more than a second or two before said pattern took form once more.

"Well, then... you want persistence? Here's a plateful for ya!" Coop bit out, pressing and holding down the same panel he'd hit earlier while keeping his other hand on a joystick. Missile upon missile launched out of Megas's arms, each and every one of them flying true... only for Alice's shield to withstand them all. One of the missiles glanced off the side of the shield, making her flinch as it screamed past her ears and soared off harmlessly into the far reaches of the forest.

"Just how much damage does that shield of hers take?" Jamie wondered aloud, holding on tightly to his seat. He knew that the game was theoretically harmless, but he still didn't like getting involved in these things.

"It wouldn't be much of a duel if it folded after a few hits," Kiva pointed out, poring over a readout. "Although... from what I could tell, it doesn't look like we're running low on ammunition. The cache keeps reading as full."

"Sounds cool to me," Coop declared with a grin. He loved how that news sounded. Pressing his assault, he devoted his entire focus to passing Alice's demonstration. "Radius, knock yourself out!"

/-/-/-/-/

Far enough away that Alice and Megas's duel didn't disturb them, a trio of fairies were fascinated by the odd trinkets that were lying on the ground.

The objects varied in shape and size, but they all had the same thing in common. They were decorated with a red circle and two curved lines on either side, plus four white lines- - -two of which were in the shape of a downward arrow. None of the Three Mischievous Fairies understood what they were supposed to mean.

"What sort of hard language is this?" Luna mused, holding one of the more metallic trinkets up to her eye for examination. Now that she was focusing on it, she could see some additional symbols beneath the circle, none of which made any sense to her.

"Maybe they're toys?" Sunny suggested, holding a vaguely oval-shaped ball in both hands. "They look like they could be thrown around a lot."

Star took Luna's trinket from her to examine it herself. "This would look very pretty if we hung it from a tree branch..."

"No, let's hang it inside our home." Sunny put the ball down and picked up a flat disc with a hole in the center. "We found these things ourselves. Do you want someone else to take them?"

Luna regarded the sheer number of objects that were lying at their feet. "There's a lot of things to carry just on our own."

"Why don't we just take what we can carry, then?" Star suggested, already cradling several of the trinkets in her arm. "There's nothing wrong with that."

"Yeah... guess you're right."

As they considered what to do, a strange whistling noise caught their attention. The three of them looked up... just in time as the stray missile spiraled on in, exploding dead-center in the pile of toys and catching the Three Fairies in the blast. Upon their regeneration, they completely forgot about what they had discovered and fled as far away as they could, scared.

Even in Gensokyo, PopTV just couldn't catch a break.

/-/-/-/-/

The demonstration is serving its purpose, Alice decided. Having gotten the hang of things, it took little effort for the magus's controller to throw it past bullets and retaliate in kind. The spell card's built-in timer was almost in single digits, but she figured that a time-out wouldn't be an issue.

Alice was impressed at how quickly Coop had understood the idea. Judging from his size and personality, she hadn't thought at first that there was anything more to him than his clumsiness and oafish qualities. I guess even the idiots of the world have some sort of specialty...

With each successful hit, the puppeteer's shield grew smaller and smaller until it barely covered an area a little larger than her grimoire. One more missile streaked in and detonated against it...

...and with a sound akin to that of thunder, the spell card broke. The area's dark color scheme reverted back to the forested backdrop that she was used to. Her dolls and the remaining bullets disappeared, and the magus seemed to glow slightly in response. Alice herself felt a bit tired, but not so much so that she couldn't have continued the duel if she had been so inclined.

/-/-/-/

Surprised by the suddenness of the demonstration's conclusion, Coop raised his hand off the weapons panel and brought Megas to a stop. His attention was drawn to a blinking number on his dashboard: 3,025,880. "...'New high score'?" he read aloud, smiling. "Nice."

"Could've been higher if you hadn't gotten hit," Jamie commented, happy that the bout was over. "Another... 200K, maybe?"

Kiva shut off her console and leaned back in her seat. "All things considered, I'm happy with how this turned out. This whole 'Spell Card' arrangement's more complicated than I gave it credit for."

Coop turned a bit to look at her. "What do you mean?"

"Well, there's the endless ammunition, of course..."

A grin. "Oh, yeah."

"And that shield of hers was strong enough to withstand Megas's firepower for what, 40 seconds, give or take?" Kiva folded her arms and blew some stray hair out of her eyes. "It doesn't mesh with science too well, but I can still see its advantages. Reminds me of basic training, actually."

As Coop brought Megas back down to where it had been parked during their chat with Alice, Jamie stared out the window. "I doubt they had any heat-packing dollmakers a thousand years down the road."

"Wasn't quite my point, Jamie..."

"Ah, who cares?" Coop asked. "It was fun. That's what counts in a game, right?"

"Correct," Alice's voice spoke. The trio looked outside in time to see her land next to the car. "You sounded like you were enjoying yourself. So, have I convinced you yet?"

Coop thought about this for a bit. "I can roll with it, I guess. I mean, it's not like I'm going to use any of it myself." He patted the car's dashboard, smiling. "I've got all the magic I need right here."

"..." Alice slowly nodded. "Alright. Just so long as you understand. ...So- - -"

"Do people here have strange tastes in music?"

Alice did a double-take at that, her eyes curious as she regarded Jamie. "What are you talking about?"

"There was this creepy song playing during the demo. We knew we weren't playing any music, so... is it magic, or what?"

"...I-I don't know," Alice confessed. "I've never heard any music playing during a match before."

"Personally I wouldn't think about it too much," Kiva suggested, rolling her eyes. "Megas has been a walking nexus of chaos ever since Coop got his hands on it."

"Hey, now..."

"...Musings for another time. Thank you, Miss Andru." Alice cupped her chin and stared downwards, getting her thoughts in order. "Now, then..."

"'Now, then', what?" Coop asked after a few beats. "What else is there?"

"Nothing to do with the duels themselves. I'd intended to explain this before you made your disbelief known. It deals more with Gensokyo as a whole."

"With Gensokyo?" Kiva sat up, attentive.

"Yes, it does. More specifically, on how you're going to be able to leave."

Everyone's undivided attention was on the youkai now, not just Kiva's.

/-/-/-/-/

"...So, to summarize... a giant statue...that's also a magus?"

"That is correct, Miss Patchouli."

"...Under the control of three outsiders?"

"True indeed, my lady."

"Decorated in pretty flames?"

"...Yes, Lady Flandre."

The meeting in the Mansion's library had promptly begun when Sakuya returned. The maid quickly described what she had seen during her investigation, ending with a description of the statue and Alice's joining forces with the outsiders. Once the overall shock had worn off, everyone present had differing views on what to do.

Sakuya herself was all for subduing the outsiders and defeating Alice, or at least getting Reimu and Marisa to handle things. Once the controllers were taken care of, everyone could assumably destroy the statue at their leisure or else find another use for it.

Patchouli was more interested in figuring out how a statue, and one from outside Gensokyo at that, could be capable of using magic. She suggested that the controllers be convinced to visit the Mansion so that she could talk to them and take notes. Perhaps they could even be swayed to remain.

Remilia wanted to know if it could be possible to take control of the statue for herself. In case another incident required their involvement, it would be nice to have some extra power in their corner. Events could be swiftly settled without the need to exert themselves any more than what was really needed.

And Flandre?

"I wanna see it, I wanna see it, I wanna see it!"

...Her enthusiasm spoke for itself.

"Flandre, settle down," Remilia reprimanded her calmly, waiting until her sister sat back down before continuing. "With the sun out in force now, neither of us could go out to look for it if we wanted to. And you still need to learn to control yourself. With your enthusiasm, you might end up obliterating what we want to get."

"It's not like it's hard to miss," Patchouli said before Flandre could protest. "If it's as big as Sakuya described it as being, doubtless it would easily be visible to us if it approached the lake, mist or no mist."

"I wanna see it," Flandre insisted stubbornly. "I won't explode it, I promise! Please?"

About five seconds passed in silence before Remilia finally heaved a tired sigh. "Alright, you can see it." She held up a hand to stall Flandre's excited shout. "But you must take a parasol, you cannot crush anything, and you cannot go beyond the Mansion's gates. If you do either of those, you're going to have to go back downstairs for a while. Do you understand?"

"Yayyy!" Flandre cheered, jumping out of her seat and running around the table a few times before making tracks for the door. "Outside, outside, outside...!"

"Sakuya, go with her and make sure she does what I asked," said Remilia, shaking her head. "Pache and I still have a few things to discuss. I'll join you in a few minutes."

"Of course, my lady." Sakuya turned away from the table, again disappearing via time manipulation.

"...So, what should our plan of action be?" Patchouli asked quietly. "I realize that you want the magus on our side, but that would mean disposing of the outsiders. We won't know how to control it unless we leave them alive, and I would much like to get the details from them anyway."

"..." Remilia was silent for a bit, one palm on her chin. Her eyes bored into the table as she considered their options. "...How's your health holding out today, Pache?"

Patchouli blinked in surprise, but she already had a reply on the way. "Well enough that I didn't start coughing at the topic shift. Why?"

"I have a strong hunch about this, but with Sakuya tasked with guarding Flandre I can't have her follow up on it. If you don't mind..." Remilia looked up, meeting her best friend's gaze. "Would you be willing to head out and take care of something for me?"

/-/-/-/-/

Carried by the wind, the strange powder that had been created at Marisa's home continued its leisurely path through the forest. There was a small crowd of fairies present, chattering amongst themselves about the great metal thing that they had seen. Most of them were still exhibiting fear, while others were starting to overcome said fear and considering launching an all-out attack against it.

The powder drifted down onto the fairies, sinking into their skin and clothes. Nothing happened at first, but slowly they felt themselves becoming bigger...

From the size of a human adolescent or shorter, they matched the mortal race's full height within ten seconds. They didn't stop there, surpassing any of the dwellings that they might have seen in the human village. Higher, higher and still higher they went, the forest floor becoming increasingly crowded with each passing second, until there was barely any space for anyone to walk.

There was a great deal of surprise amongst them as they grew; this was such a change from their daily lives that they didn't know how to react at first. Some of the smaller trees and brush were shoved aside as the fairies pushed against each other, struggling for space. Even after they stopped growing, what had happened didn't fully sink in right away.

All it took was one fairy to notice that they were now nearly as big as the scary metal monster, though, and she voiced her discovery aloud. As word spread, their fear ceased to exist and was replaced by their typical uncaringness for their own mortality... or immortality, in this case. Laughing with glee, the entire contingent lifted into the air and flew off in search of their giant foe, the air trembling with each flap of their wings.

/-/-/-/

Having made some progress in freeing her right arm, Marisa strained to reach her mini-hakkero.

Not having the strength to pull herself out from under the multitude of junk and magical items she possessed, nor the mobility to reach behind her and pry her other arm loose, she'd had to make a tough decision. Normally she would've dismissed such a thought as stupid, saying that it happened to other people but not her, but she was left with no alternatives.

"Laser... is not... difficult..." she hissed through gritted teeth, trying to grab her most prized possession. It was so close she could almost, but not quite, reach it... but she had not spent so much time trying to match Reimu to give up now.

/-/-/-/

Suika Ibuki sat on the Hakurei shrine's roof, took a swig from her gourd, and decided that today was going to be a good day.

There wasn't any more bad weather to be had. Reimu was busy for once, scouring the shrine grounds for any signs of damage; obviously she intended to have Suika handle whatever repairs that needed done. The oni didn't mind putting her strength to good use for someone like her; the shrine maiden's honesty was in part why she chose to stick around. And anyway, once everything was in order, perhaps Reimu would be in the mood to have a drink shared with her. Conversations held over sake were the most interesting ones of all.

Throughout the tempestuous storms, Suika had put her control over density to good use; the rainfall and wind in the shrine's vicinity were not as strong. The storage shed, the stone walkway and the grounds themselves had not been as fortunate, hence what Reimu was doing. I wonder if whoever did this knew what they were getting into, causing another incident right on the heels of the last one... she thought, ignoring the fact that the same thing applied to herself.

From time to time, she thought she'd heard rumbling in the distance. She dismissed the noise almost immediately. The sky was virtually cloudless from what she could see. There was no reason to think that the rains would kick in again so soon after they had ended.

"Suika? Hey, Suika!"

Aw, I was hoping she'd take a few more minutes. Oh, well! Suika poked her head over the edge of the roof, eyeing the impatient miko that was down below. "Yeah, Reimu?"

"Would you get down here? I have a task for you. Several, actually. I've figured out what we have and what we don't have, and I need you to get the things we don't have..."

...

And so it was that Suika found herself ambling down the path towards the Human Village, a task sheet committed to her hazy memory. Wood and shingles for the shed. Some new stone blocks for the walkway... never mind that she could produce those herself if she needed to. ...

...Wasn't there something else she wanted me to retrieve? Something to fix the shrine gate with? Or maybe some paint?... She paused as she tried to recall it, then smiled. Eh, I'm sure she'll tell me if I forget. She's good that way. She took another quick drink from her gourd, smiled good-naturedly at nothing in particular, and ran down the path with her arms stretched out to the sides.

All was right with Suika's world.

/-/-/-/

A giant robot car with three outsiders, accompanied by the Seven-Colored Puppeteer. A lunar rabbit selling medicine down at the village. A band of super-sized fairies out for vengeance. A perpetually drunken child-sized oni doing a friend a favor. An unhappy librarian, just now departing the Mansion on orders from a self-proclaimed descendant of Vlad Tepes.

Yukari probably would've had a good laugh at how this would turn out. And speaking of Yukari...

"Zz... zz... No, Mister Larson, I'm not afraid of ducks watching me..."

Wakefulness wouldn't be for a little while yet.