Fantasy
Of
Utter
Ridiculousness

(Part Five)

/-/-/-/-/

Never again. Never. Ever.

Patchouli turned over, finally getting her feet beneath her, and tried to stand up. She didn't get far, the low roof over her head stopping her, and she was pressed down into a cushioned seat by the redheaded human. She tried to reach out the window, only to find glass instead of open air. Her eyes widened when she realized that her decision had been made for her, and she facepalmed heavily. "This clinches it," she groused. "I am never leaving the Mansion again for anything short of an earthquake."

"You may want to strap in," the redhead told her brusquely as the magus got to its feet. "Things are about to get a little rough."

"..." Patchouli looked outside, flinching when she saw Suika's eager face. "Wondrous. Wait. 'Strap in'?... never mind. I see what you mean," she said, noticing the belt next to her. She tugged at it experimentally a few times until the redhead helped her click it into place.

"Alice was telling us earlier about Spell Card duels," the skinnier of the two males- - -'Jamie', from what she remembered of Alice's explanation- - -was saying, nervously watching Suika rotate her arms a bit, "and she mentioned that there were 'variations'. Do any of them involve getting danced on by a steer?"

The librarian glimpsed the various devices that layered the front of the chamber. Nothing she saw made any sense at all. I've gotten in way over my head with this... "Well, one of them does involve fighting back however you please and using your more dangerous attacks as they become available..." A frown as 'Coop' turned towards her and smiled, acting like that was the best thing to happen to him all day. "I really think you're overestimating your chances at victory, outsiders."

"Hey, leave me out of this," Jamie was quick to protest...

Tense music began to play from out of nowhere; it was possessed of a quick tempo and a sense of danger, and it seemed to Patchouli to be something that she had felt before. Disregarding it, Coop shrugged. "Never know until we try." He faced out the windshield at Suika, locking glares with her. "We don't have much choice, anyway. The sooner we win, the sooner we can go home. Let's rumble!"

A loud roar accompanied by an eruption of cyan flames, and Coop's toy took to the skies. Suika jumped after it, fist already wound up, and swung. The attack was blocked by the magus's own gigantic hand; when the two collided, a brief shockwave pushed the air away. A quick missile volley from the wrists was swiftly countered by a large fireball, making the weapons explode prematurely. From there two streaks raced around the sky as one tried to catch the other, the pursuer's role repeatedly changing hands.

Patchouli hunkered down in her seat, hands gripping the material she was sitting on, and tried not to panic. It was one thing to be dodging danmaku on your own merit, but another to be hanging on to something that was doing it for you. This was much faster and more jarring than what she was used to. "What a horrible day to have a nightmare!"

"Who says reality is stranger than fiction?!" Jamie shouted back, sounding no less frightened. "This is one novel I'm not going to buy!"

Kiva shook her head and smiled. "Amateurs."

/-/-/-/-/

An eye twitched once, and then again. The both of them surveyed the extent of the damage to Gensokyo. They took in the wrecked trees that were even now slowly recovering, thanks in part to the presence of those fairies that were left. They wandered near the footprints that pointed in the shrine's direction before abruptly cutting off partway there. They looked up towards the horizon, where her oni friend and the massive blue figure were blasting away at each other and slowly circling in the direction of Misty Lake.

Something had been bothering her since Suika had left. She couldn't quite put her finger on it at the time, but now that she'd seen the ruination and her friend's opponent, she knew that she couldn't let something like this stand. If Gensokyo was to be restored, the outsiders had to leave. Now. She didn't know what Yukari was thinking when she let them in, and it didn't matter to her.

She knew that Alice and the moon rabbit- - -the latter having arrived just a few moments ago, carrying a mostly empty pack- - -were close by. She didn't care what they did, or whether they followed her, just so long as they stayed out of her way. It seemed like they had an inkling of the situation regardless, so there was no need to explain things to them.

With resolve and anger in her heart, Reimu lifted off and made tracks for the Lake.

/-/-/-/-/

"There it is. They must've gotten on the wrong side of the oni. A pity."

"So it would seem, my Lady."

"..." Sip.

Once they had actually made it outside with their parasols, Flandre's excitement had dimmed some; she recognized the danger the sun presented, so she stayed still and watched out the gate with the others. The metal giant and Suika, both visible through the Lake's ever-present mist- - -still minimal, considering it was morning- - -exchanged danmaku bursts and traded blows with fists and feet.

"Sakuya? My lady? Young mistress?" Meiling's voice called nervously from the gate. "I really don't think it's safe out here."

"We'll be fine, Meiling," Remilia called back. "Just stay at your post for as long as you can."

"...I don't know," Meiling admitted. "I feel like a bug that's about to be stepped on! I mean, just look at the size of them!"

"...Sakuya," Remilia said with a smile, glancing at the head maid, "make a note to visit that curiosity shop later and check for any manga from the outside world."

"Certainly, my Lady." Sakuya returned the smile, knowing what her intent was.

Sure enough... "I will stand strong until there is nothing left I can give!" Meiling shouted, her voice and posture clear evidence of her renewed determination. "None shall pass!"

Remilia's smile widened a fraction. "You have to know what motivates certain people to get the job done," she muttered to no one in particular.

"..."

In the distance, the metal giant clapped its hands together. A blast of air and energy swept across the lake, blowing away the mist temporarily and giving everyone present a clear view of the fight.

Suika was caught in the shockwave, but she rode it out and swung her right arm quickly. Danmaku gathered around it and condensed together, forming a huge boulder, and was consequently thrown at the giant; the controllers must not have had much experience in dealing with an attack of that type, for the statue raised its hands to try and catch it. The boulder slammed into it regardless, the raw power launching it over the lake and into the far shoreline before breaking apart.

Seizing a chance to follow up on her strike, Suika collected additional danmaku together for her next attack. The statue recovered quickly, though, and stormed back forward; timing it for when the boulder was thrown, the giant shifted far to the left and allowed the rock to sail by. Getting in close enough, it decked Suika with an uppercut possessing enough force to lift her into the air, then flew up and spin-kicked her into the lake. Waves of water were jettisoned in all directions, one of those waves propelling a certain startled ice fairy straight into the outer wall next to Meiling.

The oni, as was par for her kind, shrugged off the assault for the most part and went airborne once more. She paid no attention to how cold the lake had been, caring only for the conflict she was engaged in. "You've got guts, big guy," Suika shouted, her voice reaching the observers. "And I'll give you credit for strength. I actually felt that one!"

The statue's controller shouted back, but he was too far away for them to hear. Sakuya directed her attention to Remilia. "It's probably just me, but her voice seems rather... clear."

"...She likely hasn't had as much to drink," her mistress mused aloud. "Whether it has something to do with taking it easy on her challenger or not, I don't know."

"Ha ha ha ha!" Suika cackled in response to her opponent. "Confident, ain'tcha? You still have a ways to go before you can even think of calling yourself 'the champ'!" She held out her hands, spewing small and large danmaku alike and forcing the statue to dodge.

"I'm happy that I stayed up for this," Remilia admitted, the empty cup in her hands half-forgotten. "Yukari doesn't know what she's missing."

Sakuya nodded. "Maybe, my Lady." She stole a glance at Flandre. "How about you, young mistress? What do you think?"

"..."

A puzzled frown. "Young mistress? Is something wrong?"

Flandre took a long sip from her cup, finishing the last of her cocoa, and stared at the battling titans with a subdued enthusiasm. "Cooolll."

Neither of the two knew how to respond to that calm utterance. In the end they both decided to just keep their mouths closed and watch the fight. The younger sister's increasingly odd traits could be considered another time.

/-/-/-/

In the Mansion's guest room, the fairy maid that was supposed to be keeping watch over Yukari stirred; she hadn't meant to doze off, but with the way things were... well, things had just happened. Yawning cutely, she looked over at the bed to see if the youkai was still there.

Yukari was still asleep, not having budged from the bed. The maid was curious about her, wondering why she was sleeping when she had been hurt. Wouldn't that have kept her awake? Wouldn't she have wanted to wait to sleep until she felt better?

The green-garbed maid, as was the norm for fairies, was not particularly bright or useful; her fellow staffers had sometimes commented that she made even them look smart. She was bright enough to know when to ask questions, though, and she decided that she wanted answers. She hovered over to the bed and tapped Yukari's shoulder. "Hello? Funny border lady? Wake up."

"Mmmmff... not now, Ran," Yukari mumbled, turning away from the fairy in her sleep. "Just five more hours, please..."

The maid didn't understand why the youkai called her 'Ran' when her name was 'Get That Blasted Fairy Out Of The Kitchen!', or why she wanted to sleep some more. Maybe she needs something to drink. They always use it on me when I need to wake up, after all. Smiling at this stroke of brilliance, she hurried out of the guest room.

A few minutes later, she returned with a pitcher of water held with both hands. This should be enough. There's nothing nicer than a glass of water.

Of course, the fairy had neglected to remember several things. One, a pitcher was not a suitable drinking glass; and two, most people did not like to have water dumped on them without warning. Or at all.

Yukari sputtered and coughed, jolted awake by the application of cold water to her face and neck. She wiped off her face with her sleeve, wincing at the ache that was still present in her arm, and turned over to look at the culprit.

"Miss border lady?" the beaming fairy asked, unperturbed by the overseer's glare. "Why were you sleeping when you were hurt? I thought being awake meant that you would know to be careful. And I hope the water helped. Were you thirsty? I can get more if you want..."

Yukari ignored the questions, feeling a simmering anger as her conscious mind caught up with the rest of the world. Reluctantly getting out of bed, she walked slowly towards the inquisitive fairy maid.

...

In the Mansion's halls, several other maids looked up from their duties as the bane of their workforce frantically fled the guest room, screaming for someone to save her from the scary eyeball gap lady. When no one came charging out after her, the maids shrugged at each other, dismissed what they'd seen and returned to work.

/-/-/-/-/-/

For all that she was angry deep down at her gourd's disappearance, Suika was still thrilled. She'd been listening to what the humans were saying even as she fought, and she'd gotten a rough picture of who they were. Most of it she didn't understand, but the fact that they were outsiders- - -outsiders with a violent toy- - -was plain and clear.

And it can give as well as it takes, she thought as she used the chains that hung from her wrists as bludgeons. The first three swings struck their strange machine, denting and rattling it. The fourth... not so much, as her chain was caught long enough for her to receive a point-blank missile barrage. Definitely made for the sole purpose of fighting. Shame it can't drink; we could've gotten along great.

A frown as Suika floated backwards out of easy thrashing range, smoke and fire wafting off of her body. As she smothered the latter, she ascertained how much energy she had remaining and decided that it was time for her second Spell Card. I'll need to finish this soon, if possible... my thoughts are becoming easier to understand. Little miscreants, thinking they can hide my sake from me? How dense can you get? ... A wicked grin. Let's find out!

/-/-/-/-/

The battle had been hectic thus far, leaving little room for discussion amongst the trio and their unwilling passenger. Attacks, defenses, and flight were executed as quickly as both combatants thought to do so, putting Coop's reflexes and Megas's limits to the test; more than once the prototype had gotten rocked, showing that Suika hit as hard as any opponent that had been faced up to that point, if not harder. Finally after Coop was able to stop one of her chain strikes, there was enough time for both sides to catch their breath.

Kiva stayed busy, ascertaining Megas's condition from the readouts she received. "On the plus side, it's not getting damaged, per se. But with each bar that blanks out, Megas's overall energy level drops."

Coop downed the rest of his Big Glug. "How many are left, Kiva?"

"About three and half bars out of the six we started with. If it hits zero," Kiva warned, "we'll be left at her mercy, if she even has any."

"Can't have that." Coop stared thoughtfully at the dashboard, considering what to use next. "Hmm..."

Their pale-faced passenger was hanging on tightly to the back seat, terrified. "I am going... to see that... in my dreams..." she managed to say, coughing as her breath ran away from her momentarily. "How... do you people... put up with this?..."

Jamie knew what she was thinking, having been with Coop and Megas (often against his desires or better judgment) since the beginning. "Practice," he said. "Lots and lots of practice."

"Practice?" Kiva scoffed. "You?"

"Hey, it takes a lot of work to sit around and do nothing. Eventually, you start ignoring most everything."

It was clear Kiva didn't believe him. "Is that why your eyes were squeezed shut each time she attacked?"

"It sure wasn't because I was tired," Jamie denied.

This didn't reassure their guest any; if anything, it was very discouraging to her. Patchouli made as if she wanted to unbuckle her seat belt and escape from the car, but paused. The sight of Suika's dangerous smile and the pulling of a Spell Card made her eyes widen, and she tried to warn them. "Trouble on the way!"

Too late.

"Breath: Small Oni Inhales Deeply!"

/-/-/-/

"...And when I aim at someone I don't like..."

/-/-/-/

Except for Patchouli, none of the four knew about Suika's control over density; if they had, they... or at the very least, Kiva...would have realized that creating a black hole was within her range of control.

The hole that manifested was around two-thirds the size of the combatants and began pulling in almost everything nearby, including danmaku that hadn't been there a few moments prior; only its creator was immune to its effects. Megas was slowly being tugged towards it as well; when Coop experimentally fired some energy pulses at Suika, those were pulled into the black hole with no reaction on the oni's part.

Alarms in Megas started buzzing, and the displays flickered red. "It's pulling us in," Kiva barked. "Coop, get us away now!"

With effort, Coop flipped Megas around and gunned the engines, ignoring the surprised grunts of Jamie and Patchouli as all of them were pressed into their seats. This maneuver was slow to work, but work it did, and Megas dragged itself away from the event horizon. What danmaku that grazed it did little to deter it.

At the Mansion, Meiling grabbed onto the Mansion's gates and held on tight, snagging a struggling and protesting Cirno as an afterthought. As soon as Sakuya realized that she and her mistresses were being slowly drawn towards the gate, she handed Remilia's parasol to her and stopped time long enough to drag both sisters behind some adequate cover.

Alice and Reimu, who were approaching the fight with every intent to stop it, discovered that they were being forced towards the black hole. They immediately put on the brakes and tried to fly away, but the pull of the anomaly was just too much for them both. Only Reimu's last-second creation of a dimensional rift, which landed them behind the Mansion's outer walls, kept them from getting sucked in. Reisen had lagged far behind for some reason and thus found her escape attempt much easier to carry out.

The black holesuddenly vanished, cutting off its pull. Megas overshot the lake's shore by a hundred and twenty meters, as it was only when Coop realized that they weren't being dragged into oblivion that he stopped and turned it around to investigate.

Jamie's eyebrows raised when they got close enough. "Huh? ...She's just floating there. Something wrong with her?"

"She looks fine to me," Coop decided. "Let's remedy that." He reached for a switch that had begun to glow during their escape attempt and started to flick it...

"She's not done," Patchouli hissed between her teeth, stopping him. Her anxiety over being inside Megas was still there, but it was tinged with a desire to assist these people, even if it was only to slow things down enough for her to escape. "'Inhales deeply', remember? Anything swallowed will be spat back out."

"So what's the big deal?" Coop asked her a trifle impatiently. "If it comes flying out, I'll just hit it back."

"You just don't get it, outsider!" Patchouli declared indignantly, the background music that was playing fading out. "I've fought this oni before. I know how it attacks and how it fights. Would you pay attention to me? It's bad enough that I'm in here to start with, and I'm not going to be pulverized because of a stupid mistake on your part!"

Suika- - -who was beginning to look impatient with them- - -started to glow white, but Coop spared a minute to issue a cold rebuttal. "Listen, purplette. While I appreciate the help, it's not needed. This is supposed to be a game, right? I'd rather finish this on my own instead of getting someone's walkthrough. Save it for someone who really needs it."

Patchouli opened her mouth to speak, but Coop kept right on going and revved the engine a few times as he spoke. "Let me finish this match, alright? She's accused me of theft, gotten between me and the shrine, and she's keeping me from catching The Rogue Wrestler. This bullheaded girl is going down!"

"You told us earlier that there wasn't any rush," Kiva reminded him. "Make up your mind."

Beat. "I've got to make a stand somewhere, Kiva," Coop said, his words somewhat more contrite than they'd been before.

"Hey, boys!" Suika called, smirking tauntingly. She lifted a hand and gestured, beckoning them. "You'll waste away just floating there like that! You wanna be target practice?"

"..." Patchouli again grasped the seat's fabric. "You really think you can defeat her without my help?"

"Sure can." Coop flipped the glowing switch, then pressed the three buttons that were subsequently unlocked. "Trust me. I know what I'm doing."

The sides of Megas's arms swung open, revealing a set of component parts. The prototype pulled them out and slammed them together. The upper segment expanded into a boxy, vaguely cylindrical shape, and by the time it was done the weapon of choice turned out to be nothing less than an oversized sledgehammer. Closer examination showed a Magnum engraved on the hammer's shaft.

Patchouli's eyes turned towards Kiva exasparatedly as Suika's glow became exceedingly bright. "Why," she muttered, "does this not fill me with confidence?"

"How do you think I feel? I'm stuck with them."

Any further conversation was cut off as Coop sent Megas rocketing towards their opponent, yelling a battle cry. He raised the sledgehammer to strike, aiming to bypass her Spell Card...

"GOTCHA!"

And the oni acted. Suika's glow condensed and formed around her, and everything that had been swallowed came rocketing out of a shining white portal. Danmaku, rocks, lake water... it all flew much too fast for Coop to hit them all away. He managed no more than four swings, half of them missing, before the bulk of the projectiles exploded against Megas's armor. The damage added up quickly, and the detonation that ensued when the last of the bullets hit propelled Megas back across the lake. The prototype hit the dirt and skidded thirty-eight meters inland before stopping.

Suika wasn't done yet. Five seconds after the white hole disappeared and while Coop was reorienting Megas, the black hole came back into being. Once more, the group had to deal with being pulled towards the darkness against their will.

"We have to do all this again?" Jamie protested. "This is getting redundant!"

"I wonder if librarians in the outside world have to deal with this much disrespect," Patchouli complained, taking a page from Jamie's book and shutting her eyes tight.

Instead of turning Megas around and arrowing for the horizon, Coop decided to put it in full reverse instead. The mech hovered in place, only shifting from side to side as needed to dodge the bullets that were appearing. "I can't answer that. I'm no good with libraries." He took aim and hurled the sledgehammer... straight towards the black hole. "Here's your major malfunction!"

"Coop!" Kiva shouted.

"What are you do...- - -" Patchouli started to yell, quickly transitioning into a wheezing cough before she could finish.

"'Major' is right!" That was from Jamie.

To their surprise, Coop actually had a plan that time. Moments before the hammer would've vanished into the black hole, the oversized vacuum once again faded out... leaving a clear flight path between it and Suika. The oni had just enough time for a gobsmacked "Eh?" before the hammer's business end slammed into her, knocking her off balance and stunning her temporarily.

The trio regarded each other with surprise that this maneuver had worked out before Megas shot forward. Coop's finger hovered over a red button labeled "Technology Does Not Work This Way" for a moment before pressing down on it. Panels all over Megas slid open, disgorging volleys upon volleys of missiles and other explosive weapons; so many of them were discharged that it should've been impossible for the mech to have stored them all within. Recovering her balance in time, Suika focused her efforts into grazing the weaponry...

But before she could do anything of the sort, the projectiles began to merge together. Some of the clumps attracted others to them, and so on and so forth, until everything had combined into one colossal warhead. Grinning savagely, Suika brought both hands together and caught the monstrosity in-between them, holding on tight and not giving an inch until it ran out of fuel. "If this is your idea of a Spell Card, it needs improvement!" she shouted as she wound up to throw the missile away...

An explosion with Suika at its center rocked Gensokyo, and its clamor overrode her startled cry. Misty Lake shook, waves splashing against its shores. Remilia and Flandre covered their ears the best they could, their hearing being the most sensitive out of those witnessing the duel; the others weren't immune to the racket either, if their distressed cries were anything to go by. What few windows there were at the Mansion shook, but didn't break, and the noise was enough to attract even Yukari's attention inside the residence.

"...She's right," Coop said as the noise died down and the panels on Megas slid closed. A thick cloud of smoke floated over the Lake as he waited to see what became of Suika. "It was supposed to explode as soon as she caught it. I'll have to work on that one."

"Glad you agree, big guy."

No one was surprised when the smoke blew away, revealing that Suika was outwardly unscathed from the attack. The oni had her arms folded, a Spell Card held between two of her fingers. "The more I drink, the stronger I become. Sobriety is not a pleasant feeling to me, and you've pushed me very close to that point. If I'm going to beat you and get my treasure back, I'll have to stop pulling my punches."

She raised the Card aloft and called its name. Jamie stared fearfully at the mention of it. Patchouli silently wondered how it would compare to the likes of 'Pandemonium'. Kiva tensed, waiting to see what would become of this, and even Coop looked a little unsure.

"One-Oni Wrecking Machine!"