Fantasy
Of
Utter
Ridiculousness
(Part Six)
/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/
The damage wrought by those two... I haven't seen something so awe-inspiring and frightening since I parted ways with Shinki!
Whoever is controlling that construct deserves a smack upside the head. Picking a fight with Suika, of all people? And look at all the wreckage in their wake. This is a mess!
I've heard Kaguya's stories of the oni, but she was under the impression that they'd disappeared! And that mech...
So that's who it was that blindsided me. I should have guessed.
It'll take some work to repair the outer wall, but at least nothing was damaged beyond that. The mistresses seem to be enjoying this, so I can't complain.
The sooner these giants stop fighting and go away, the better!
Where's Pache? She doesn't know what she's missing.
Wow...
Such were the thoughts of the spectators gathered at the Scarlet Devil Mansion in the seconds leading up to the declaration of Suika's third Spell Card. Some felt regret that the fight would be ending soon, while the others couldn't wait. However, all of them- - -including Meiling- - -did nothing to disturb the combatants. As long as they lived and for better or worse, this match would be sealed in their memories.
/-/-/-/
"...A magicannon of love... shall be unleashed!"
/-/-/-/
Suika floated into the air and held both hands over her head. A black hole similar to what she used previously pulsed into existence, hindering Megas's flight capabilities. Instead of taking in everything around it, it absorbed danmaku: fire bullets that materialized well beyond the battlefield and spiralled on in. Several of them struck Megas from behind as their rotation took them too close, almost plunging the mech into the Lake. Thankfully, such wasn't the case.
As Coop worked the controls, trying to outmaneuver the bullets and peppering Suika with blaster fire all the while, Patchouli tore her eyes away from the oni and looked at what Kiva was doing. The display she was working with was tinted red, and it changed each time it was either touched or the magus was hit. "Not a good sign, I'm assuming?"
Kiva looked up, gesturing out the window at the fireball that was superimposed over the black hole. Slowly but surely, it was growing with each bullet that was absorbed. "That's correct. If I'm reading this right, she's readying a massive bomb. There could be enough power to turn this entire Lake into a gigantic crater if it hits!"
"..." Patchouli's heart sank. "...Do you have a piece of paper and some ink I can borrow?"
"No, I don't. What for?"
"I was hoping to finish writing my will."
"Ugh..." Kiva shook her head. She should've expected that. "It's like you and Jamie are cut from the same mold."
"I guess this would be a bad time to say that one of my ancestors was a youkai," Jamie quipped.
Both back-seat residents turned towards the front, surprised. The slacker's reflection in the mirror smirked back at them. "Nah, I'm just messing with you. Even if there was, it's not like I'd know about it anyway."
Kiva's displeased look matched Patchouli's.
/-/-/-/
Outside, the firebomb that Suika was prepping had absorbed all the power it could take. With a yell, Suika dismissed the black hole and flung the tremendous blast at Megas with casual ease. "Try this on and see if it fits!"
She had expected the construct's pilot to dodge the bomb and outrun its blast radius. It would've been within the realm of common sense to do so, and it would've given him enough time to retaliate before she started the whole process over again. Any idiot fighting in a Spell Card duel would keep it at the back of their mind; even a fairy that she'd fought against briefly- - -Circus, or whatever her name was- - -knew how important it was not to get hit.
Coop, as Suika discovered quickly, was not just any idiot. Megas charged directly at the firebomb, flames churning to life between its hands and taking a vaguely sword-shaped form. The oni's offense met the construct's defense, gave a polite hello, and was repaid for its kindness with a blast of light and a raging heat wave. The air rippled and distorted as each attack sought to break past the other.
Her curiosity overcoming her desire to take advantage of the distraction, Suika remained still and watched. How about it, big guy? Whatcha going to use to get out of this one?
She had no way of knowing this, but everyone else who was watching back at the Mansion was thinking similarly. It was a gamble, and they all knew it; all that remained was to see if it would pay off.
/-/-/-/
He would admit later that it wasn't the smartest move he could've made, but for now Coop struggled both to keep Megas upright and to swat away Suika's firebomb. Steam rose from beneath the robot as the lake water evaporated, and the temperature inside the car increased rapidly.
"See, this is what happens when you spell 'dessert' with only one 's'," Jamie was saying, about as uncomfortable as the rest of them were.
Coop remained focused on his driving. "I like 'em cold," he stated matter-of-factly.
"The systems are overheating," Kiva warned. "We have less than one energy bar left. If you're going to get rid of that bomb, do it fast!"
"It is rather warm for this time of year, ain't it?" Coop agreed, reaching over with one hand and toggling the car's air conditioner. He nudged the lever, moving it past '70', '60', '40', beyond 'Really Cold' and clear on down to 'Antarctica'.
Cold air began to circulate throughout the car's interior, flowing down into the mech's systems. The fiery weapon it wielded shifted its shape and appearance, becoming less of a fiery sword and more of an icy sword... one with an odd reddish hue. The danmaku bomb slowly froze over from the point of contact outwards, crackling loudly in the time it took to do so, until it resembled nothing other than a floating red iceberg.
Coop blinked, then stared approvingly at the end result of this. "I was half-expecting that to backfire somehow," he admitted, breaking Megas's ice sword and drawing back its right fist.
The prototype slugged the iceberg dead-center and shattered it into a multitude of chunks and shards, some of them hitting the nonplussed Suika before she could recommence hostilities. One particularly large piece rammed into her forehead, eliciting a "Wha~!" and toppling her backwards into the water. Waves again flowed outward towards the lake's shores.
The onlookers at the Mansion were similarly caught off guard, with expressions ranging from amused exceptance (Yukari) to total disbelief (Alice) and everything in-between. Only Cirno, parked outside the gate with Meiling, made any sort of noise; she was pumping her fist and hollering happily, cheering on the metal giant.
"An ice weapon," Patchouli breathed, watching some snow flurries drift down to the lake's surface; Megas's impromptu weapon had been cold enough to effect its immediate surroundings, it seemed. Genuine awe crept into the youkai's voice. "You have an honest-to-goodness ice-generating weapon in this... this magus. How did you accomplish that? Better yet, where?"
Coop looked up at the car's roof, considering what to tell her.
-?-
Busy assisting Kiva with some of Megas's repairs, Coop noticed a weirdly-shaped compartment in the mech's systems. He looked between it and the Stratospheric Strawberry Slime-flavored Mega Slush that was sitting next to him, wondering if the cup's design could possibly allow it to fit in said compartment. It seemed a close enough match, so maybe...
-?-
"...A chilled beverage," Patchouli deadpanned, her awe gone as quietly as it arrived. "And you're not lying about it."
"Like I said, I like 'em cold."
Patchouli didn't bother to dignify that with a response, nor would she have had time to were she so inclined. It was at that moment that a seething Suika rocketed from the water and sped up to them, left foot out in a flying kick. Coop tried to catch it, but his reaction time was a hair slow. The kick struck Megas backwards onto dry land, with a follow-up haymaker crashing it into the ground a bit further out. At the Mansion's gate, Cirno's cheering ground to a halt.
/-/-/-/
Grabbed!
"MAGICANNON: FINAL... MASTER... SPARK!"
It was less of a shout than a decibel scale-rattling yell. The magnificent laser blast was blinding at close range, encompassing Marisa's entire vision and requiring her to squeeze her eyes shut. Everything that was keeping her pinned down was blown away by its hyper-power, along with the roof and the structural integrity of that half of the house. The further away from the mini-hakkero it got, the bigger the spell grew until it overshadowed even her rendition of Yuuka's Double Spark; the starry danmaku that bordered it became somewhat wider to match.
I guess Alice was right when she told me that Eientei would be easier to clean... not like I'll admit it to her or nothin'.
/-/-/-/
The sopping wet Suika approached Megas as it got to its feet once more. "You've come close, mister," she declared, "but no sake for you." She wound up, flames wrapping themselves around her fist. "This duel goes to me!"
Coop pushed a few buttons, trying to shoot back before Suika could finish the job. Only the ominous sound of silence, something he did not enjoy, answered him. "Nothing's working! C'mon, Megas, talk to me!"
"All the weapons are down," Kiva announced grimly. "The systems aren't responding."
"There's gotta be something that'll work!" Jamie, true to form, was in a state of panic. "You have any idea how embarrassing getting beaten by a humanoid steer's gonna be?!"
"She's an oni, idiot," Patchouli intoned quietly, seemingly resigned to their inevitable defeat.
Of course, Coop was not going to go quietly if he had a say in the matter. But with the weapons not working and him not knowing just how much more his opponent could take, he wasn't seeing too many options. And so it was that he went on the defensive for once, quickly spinning the car's steering wheel as Suika started to punch forward...
...and jerking Megas to the side, grazing the flaming punch with bare centimeters to spare. The fire was jettisoned harmlessly past it, dispersing not too far away. Not having expected the dodge, Suika hopped forward a step or two and waved her arms frantically in an effort to balance herself.
She had just managed to recover when a twinkle of light showed up in her vision. She inclined her head slightly to acknowledge it was there, then turned towards Megas. One punch. That's all it will take.
As soon as a rainbow appeared in place of the light, Suika recognized her mistake. Her eyes grew and her pupils shrank as she realized just what that rainbow was, and that it was flying straight at her face. She knew who was responsible for it, and that her eagerness to finish off her opponent had left her off guard. These realizations were all hammered home in the span of a half second.
"Aw, beans."
/-/-/-/
The Final Master Spark enveloped first her face, and then Suika herself as the oni steadily shrank down to normal size. The air rumbled and shook, the proximity of it rattling Megas but doing little else to it. A loud humming akin to electricity drowned out most other noise, including the surprised cries of the mech's occupants...
And then a noisy crash like that of glass shattering, or of Megas striking an awesome pose.
The Spark caught Suika and hurled her across the Lake; she skimmed the ridge that the Mansion was on, flew through the open gate, bounced twice and crashed into the Mansion's doors, cratering but not breaking them. The Spark itself flew right over the building, not quite brushing the top of the clock tower, and would eventually dissipate as its energy fizzled out.
Reactions to the fight's finale varied. Patchouli stared, her eyes blank and her mouth hung open wide; Alice, Reisen, Meiling and Remilia had much the same reaction. Reimu sighed in annoyance. Flandre giggled with delight, recognizing Marisa's involvement. Sakuya and Yukari were the most composed of the group, but even they couldn't keep from sweatdropping. Cirno got while the getting was good, too unnerved to figure things out for herself. Kiva did a double take, looking between where the Spark had come from and where Suika had gone.
"Was that..." Coop began.
"...a ginormous magical laser?" Jamie finished, eyes wide.
Their guest, still in shock, could only nod minutely.
Kiva calmed down and rechecked Megas's status. What she saw made her smile. "Looks like that did it. All of Megas's systems are back online and functional. Energy levels are maximized. The game's over, guys, and we won."
Coop and Jamie were silent a few moments more before they grinned, bumping fists and exchanging a familiar gesture; said gesture was mirrored by Megas a moment later. "Rock on!"
Patchouli sagged, feeling very tired mentally. "Just... let me out. Please."
/-/-/-/-/
Once their disbelief was shunted aside, Reimu and Yukari flew off to catch the outsiders before they left. The entire area between the Lake and the areas of the Forest where Alice and Marisa lived had been victimized to some degree or another, and while the damages would reverse themselves in due time, the fact remained that the shrine maiden and overseer did not want Megas in Gensokyo. Yukari seemed to recognize the mech, but she wasn't saying where she saw it or how she knew about it, offering only a cryptic hint about a sun-powered spider and leaving it at that.
Somehow, it didn't surprise the Mansion's residents that Yukari had chosen to sleep off her injury. Typical.
Patchouli drifted onto the Mansion's front walk a minute or so later, halting near Remilia's group. The mansion's mistress turned to regard her, smiling thinly. "You certainly took a while, Pache; you missed a grand party. Were you able to secure the half-youkai's services?"
The librarian remained quiet, her lips moving but no noise escaping them. Her face was pale even for her, and her lungs were working hard to replenish her oxygen supply; Remilia's smile left her as she wondered whether she should've asked that or not.
Sakuya frowned and asked the question that was on both of their minds. "Miss Patchouli? Are you alright?"
Patchouli looked from one to the other, her expression quickly souring. When she finally replied, her words were more stressed and acidic than they were used to hearing from her. "Listen and listen good; I'm talking to you. This has been the longest morning of my life. I was subject to temperature extremes that I shouldn't have, overgrown fairies, my own ill health, and the whims of an idiot hero with more guts than good sense. I will tell you everything about what I saw when I feel up to it, but in the meantime, leave me alone, let me sleep and stop asking me insipid questions.Do you understand the words exiting my mouth?"
Maid and mistress looked at each other, wincing at her biting statements, then hurriedly nodded in agreement. Without another word Patchouli turned and floated into the Mansion, ignoring everyone else present.
"...I'm not enthusiastic about whatever tale she has to tell," Sakuya said to herself.
"Neither am I," Remilia agreed, her eyes on the distant statue that hadn't moved since the fight's conclusion.
"Strawberry ice," Flandre commented, obliviously chewing on a piece of the iceberg that Megas had smashed earlier. "Very tasty."
At the other side of the stone walkway, Alice, Reisen and Meiling were gathered around Suika. She had slumped against the Mansion near the doors, feeling downcast. "...It's gone," she moaned, finishing her explanation. "And I don't even know where to begin looking. I know I can get my drinks elsewhere, but I'd had it with me for so long..."
"So, you picked a fight with this iron giant..." Meiling began.
"It's a magus," Alice supplied.
"...because you were convinced that it had stolen your most prized possession?" the guard finished. "This gourd must really be special."
"Two words: endless sake. It's an oni treasure," Suika told her, not in the mood to go through the whole explanation for how that was possible.
Reisen 'hmmed' thoughtfully, a hand on her chin. She gave a start as a light clicked on upstairs, and she reached into her pack and pulled something out... "This wouldn't happen to be it, would- - -hey!"
Suika's mood did a quick 180. She eagerly grabbed the gourd before Reisen was finished speaking, popping it open. "Mine!" she shrieked happily, lifting it to her lips and drinking heartily.
"...What?" Alice uttered, disbelieving. "Where'd you find it?"
"Back where we first took up the pursuit," Reisen explained. "I found it in a broken tree next to an unconscious fairy. It looked important, so I grabbed it just to be safe."
"Huh. It's a good thing you were along, then," Meiling noted. "This wouldn't have ended well otherwise."
"Why'd you join us, anyway?" Alice asked as the three of them rose to their feet. "What are you doing this far from Eientei?"
"My master's having me sell medicine down at the Human Village," Reisen explained, "but one of those large fairies almost landed on top of me, so- - -"
"Medicine, you say?" Remilia asked sharply, causing them to turn towards her as her group approached. Her tone softened a little. "Pardon me. I have a dear friend who struggles daily with anemia, amongst other things, and I dislike seeing her unwell and unhappy." Her eyes glowed. "Very much so."
Reisen blinked at her unspoken request, not having expected this from her in light of the recent events at Eientei. She dug into her pack to check her remaining supplies. "Let me see. I should have something here that's suitable for her... is she human or youkai?..."
As the two talked business, Suika finally stopped drinking and smiled in the direction of Misty Lake. She had reclaimed what was hers and had a good fight against a strong opponent; all was right in her world once again. "Here's to you, big guy," she mumbled. "Come back for a rematch any day. Let the good times roll..."
Alice and Meiling shuddered violently, but stayed silent.
/-/-/-/
"...I see," Reimu said as the outsiders wrapped up their explanation. She and Yukari were standing next to Megas's head, having reached the trio before they wandered off. "Well, if you were just looking for us and wanting to go home, I can let you off the hook this time. But only this time."
Yukari had kept quiet up to that point, frowning. It could've been because of the recent events on the moon, or that they'd been the ones to (accidentally) knock her out. For all Reimu knew, it could've been because she didn't have her hat with her. It was hard to say.
"So," Kiva asked, "you can drop us off outside the barrier, then?"
"I can do you one better," Yukari finally stated, smiling. "I can send you directly back to Jersey City if you'd like."
Coop looked delighted at the idea, but settled down as something occurred to him. "Wait, we never said where we were from. How'd you know we're from Jersey?"
"I watched your fight against the Regis Mark Five from here," Yukari told them, smirking at their annoyance. "I was going to shut him up myself before you figured things out." She waved off their curious looks. "I was bored."
"If all these special powers are any indication," Jamie said, his arms folded, "pitting you against Regis would be like blasting a soccer ball with a bazooka."
Yukari's eyes glazed over momentarily before one hand went to her chin. "A soccer ball... with a bazooka? That's not a bad idea, actually- - -"
"Anyway!" Reimu all but shouted. This whole conversation was getting too confusing for her. "Moving on... Yukari? Portal. Let's get them out of- - -"
Growwwwllll.
Coop patted his stomach a few times. "Whoops. Heh, heh... haven't eaten anything since before we went to the moon." He looked eagerly up at Reimu and Yukari. "Could we get something to eat before we go?"
Reimu looked at Yukari, who just stared back, and then at Coop. Finally, she let her head sink into her hand. "Fine." She pointed at the distant Scarlet Devil Mansion. "Everyone there was watching the fight. Just ask them to feed you, and they'll probably agree."
"I can roll with that," Coop said with a smirk, revving Megas's engine. The shrine maiden and border youkai jumped away as the mech jetted off towards Remilia's home.
There was a mild whoosh as Marisa approached the two; as she turned, Reimu noticed that she wasn't flying at full speed as was her habit. Her friend had her usual cocky smile, but there was a clear wince in her expression as she floated off her broom. "Yo!" she greeted them. "Sorry I'm late; I had to blow up my house. What did I miss?"
An irritated grumble. "Oh, shut up, Marisa."
/-/-/-/
Coop settled into his sofa, his remote control in one hand and a large bucket of popcorn in the other. "Ah... finally. The movie event of the year is about to get underway."
"Took long enough, too." Jamie occupied the other end of the couch. "Moon people, a land full of pretty girls with magic powers, children that hit like tanks... I've had enough for a year, let alone a day. Who knows how much of that trilogy that we missed?"
"I wouldn't mind visiting Gensokyo again at some point," Kiva commented as she took over a nearby chair. "It's not like the Scarlet sisters and Suika were adverse to the idea."
"Something I don't get," Jamie brought up. "The place was hidden somewhere in Japan, right? So, how come everyone was speaking perfect English?"
Beat.
"Well, no use dwelling on that... it's too much effort to work it out. Let's just sit back and enjoy some quality entertainment." Coop pointed the remote at the TV and clicked it on...
"...That's funny." Jamie's left eyebrow raised. "They were set for Channel 35, right?"
"Yeah," answered the puzzled gamer.
"That looks more like Channel 2." He squinted at the VCR... "And it's blinking 12:00..." He frowned at his only friend. "Coop, I think the power must've gone out while we were at the moon."
Kiva had just enough time to cover her ears before the house shook with an anguished cry:
"I missed the Rogue Wrestler movies?! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/
The End
Notes
Alright, people, I confess. This entire story was written as an excuse to have Megas and Suika lock horns; the trick was building it up to that point. Reward yourself with a snack if you saw it coming.
(Yuyuko sat off to one side, eating a Philly cheesesteak with enjoyment. Youmu and Kiva shared an exasparated expression.)
When considering how to write it, I took a look at the Gensokyo timeline over at the Touhou Wiki. I discovered that Imperishable Night's Extra Stage fell on a date that corresponded with late October 2004... just a very short period before the air date of "Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Coop", an episode that ended with Coop needing to put the moon back together. The first chapter pretty much wrote itself.
(Jamie was engaged in friendly conversation with Patchouli, only to be interrupted by a face slap from an overprotective Koakuma. The librarian for her part just stared dumbly, unsure how to react, as Remilia laughed at the goings-on. Flandre sat next to her, confused at Jamie's speech and actions.)
Kyla is basically little more than another moon rabbit, while the fairy with the long name was inspired by a one-shot Get Fuzzy character with a similar moniker. Both of these characters belong to me.
(Marisa was trying to paint something on Megas's mudflaps when a yell of protest from Coop startled her. She backed off, whistling innocently, and decided that maybe adding her hat to the female silhouettes was a bit much.)
My M.O. where memes are concerned is to try and avoid using them in their original form whenever I can; thus I tried to stick with what canon details there were (I took some liberties with the Lunarians, and I made an exception with Marisa's mutterings). After someone told me that Remilia's lapse in decorum during the thunderstorm was termed a "charisma break", I almost facepalmed. It still came off as funny to me, though, so I kept it in.
Speaking of the Scarlet sisters, Flandre's comments on an Inspector General refer to Danny Kaye's movie of the same name. I thought about including a flashback in the final chapter where Ran showed her a magic-powered film projector, but the idea didn't last.
(As Coop enjoyed a delicious dinner, Sakuya drummed her fingers in time with some rock music coming from Megas. Upon seeing Meiling giving her a strange look, she backed off and looked away, a bit embarrassed.)
I like the Three Fairies; don't get me wrong. Star and Sunny number amongst my top five favorite characters in the entire series. Still, I experienced no end of frustration at their hands during my playthroughs of Fairy Wars, and to this date I still haven't beaten the game in Normal Mode. Does it show?
One of the reviewers suggested that it wouldn't be out of the line of possibility for Coop (and probably Megas by extension, if I read it right) to remain in Gensokyo. Alice's comment to Patchouli in Chapter Four about collateral damage serves as my reply to that, plus the fact that witnessing a video game junkie going through withdrawl likely wouldn't be pleasant.
(Alice sat at a table, sketching out plans on a piece of paper for a house-sized doll. Kiva stood nearby, sipping some tea and offering suggestions.)
I knew that someone in Gensokyo had to take the role of that kid who turned up throughout Megas XLR's run. I considered having Nitori make a cameo with that in mind, but after deciding to stick with characters that appeared in IN and before, Flandre became the only real candidate for that role.
I had trouble figuring out what I wanted the red button to say. Ideas included "Because It's Gensokyo, Baby" and "Violation of Common Sense", amongst others. I finally decided on "Technology Does Not Work This Way" after noting that the whole thing was a blatant escape from reality anyway.
(Patchouli leaned back in her chair, reading the instructions on a jar of medicine as Reisen summarized how it was supposed to work.)
The final outcome of the match was more or less planned out since Chapter Two: Suika was supposed to have Megas on the ropes, and then Marisa would blast her from out of nowhere. As with the fight's circumstances, getting to that point was half the battle; nothing else about the confrontation had been developed before it began.
(In a sealed off corner of Gensokyo, Megas and Suika again faced off against each other. Yukari floated nearby, a whistle around her neck, while Reimu lazily looked on. As the whistle was blown the combatants charged forwards, their fists poised to strike...)
It had been a long time since I actually finished a multi-chapter story or felt the motivation to do so. I hadn't had this much fun authoring a fanfic since... well, ever.
Regardless of my feelings on the matter, keep your eyes open, people. As much as I initially believed otherwise, this tale is not quite done.
(File edited September 15, 2016)
