This one may not go over very well with everyone. Just a warning. This is something I've been waiting to show for a long time and it may be the most controversial element of this fic.


Chapter Seventy-Two: Lost Friend

I was surprised that when I got inside the Eternal, there was no call for Athrun and I to scramble. I asked a technician why and he simply shrugged his shoulders, so in frustration I made it to the bridge as quickly as I could. Strangely, before I could see video of whatever it was they were viewing, they killed the visual.

I chose to play dumb. "What's going on? Do you need me to launch? I haven't heard a call to launch all Mobile Suits."

The captain, Talia Gladys, looked over at me. "Right now, the Eternal is not ready to deploy, and it's unclear whether we want to put you and Athrun Zala at risk."

She had a softer tone in her voice compared to Natarle Badgiruel. Didn't quite remind me of Murrue Ramius, she seemed more by-the-book than her, but her words lacked Badgiruel's sharpness.

Still, I was annoyed that they killed the conversation right when I got here. "What were you watching? Was it negotiations?"

Talia Gladys bit her lip and her eyes looked away for just a moment. That's all I needed to see. I knew immediately something was incredibly off, and now I wanted to know why. "Tell me what's going on, please!"

"We're observing a . . . interesting conversation between the Archangel and this new ship. I would suggest you wait in the Freedom until we give you the go to deploy."

"Tell me what the hell's going on, Captain! Why don't you want me to hear it?"

Suddenly, I heard Badgiruel's voice blare over the coms.

"-just listen to yourself! Don't you have any idea what's going on here? We're not lying to you!

"DeCosta!" Gladys exclaimed.

It took me a moment to recognize DeCosta. He had survived the desert, huh? And wound up all the way out here? Small world.

"It's either she knows or there's a fight on the bridge," DeCosta replied, not showing any sign he recognized me. "At this point I'd prefer the former."

"Well I supercede you! Shut that damn thing off!"

But it was too late. The moment I heard the voice, it felt like my heart stopped.

"Your obstinacy giving me no choice but to destroy you. Which is something I will gladly do. As far as I'm concerned, as far as Blue Cosmos is concerned, you're nothing but a small band of traitors who hid in a neutral nation out of cowardice!"

That voice. I knew it from the bottom of my heart, but I had never heard it so hateful, so vicious.

"T-Turn on the visual," I managed, after hearing that familiar, maternal voice I had heard so much on theArchangel, now hissing through the speakers like some kind of demented ghost. I had heard the voice, and now I wanted to see the face. Just so I knew it was true.

"I'm not sure if it's such a-"

"Dammit, ma'am, turn the visual on! Please!"

I needed to see it. See her face. See the face attached to the voice, just so I knew this was all real. That it wasn't just my imagination. If I didn't I wouldn't stop until I got visual somehow.

Gladys sighed. "All right. Switch it all back on, Arthur. DeCosta, I'm going to reprimand you later for this."

A moment later, they did, and I saw her.

It was her spitting image, other than a hideous scar running diagonally down her forehead, slashing its way across her face, stopping below her right eye. But it was her. My captain. My friend.

But those were not her eyes. The face, the eager, bloodthirsty facial expression, the gleam of borderline madness in her eyes, that was not my captain. That was not my friend. That was not the woman who kept me sane for so many weeks.

I knew the truth even before Badgiruel spoke.

"Dammit, Captain Ramius! I don't know what they did to you, but I know you don't believe in any of what you just spewed right now! Come to your senses!"

She smiled then, cruelly, stopping just short of insanity. I could hear a faint chuckle seep its way through the speakers, and I felt involuntary tears fill my eyes. It was Murrue Ramius, but it was not. They had done something to her. They had raised her from the dead, or something, and had changed her. My captain, she was . . .

"How many times do I have to say this? I have no idea who 'Murrue Ramius' is! You play an interesting strategy, Lieutenant-Commander Badgiruel, but it's not going to work! In fact, it just pisses me the hell off!"

"Murrue, no." I was told I said this at that moment. It doesn't surprise me. I was so lost in shock I had no idea what I was saying or doing anymore.

"My name is Sariel Leighton, Lieutenant-Commander Badgiruel. I'm well aware of who I am. Your unique, if inane, strategy was amusing at first."

But then she punched the side of her armrest audibly and I saw her face contort into a vicious, demonic expression that just made me want to cry even more. That was her, it was her voice, her face, but she wasn't there. Murrue Ramius . . . she wasn't there!

"But it stopped being amusing ten minutes ago! I don't know what kind of hippie bullshit they fed you at Orb, but it's clear to me that it's time to enact Darwin's law here!"

She laughed. "And I'm going to enjoy this. There can't be a rebellion if it's destroyed before it even has a chance to begin."

She reached for the button to kill the visual. "If you had chosen a more reasonable course of action, I might have accepted a surrender. Might."

She paused, biting her lip. I knew what she was going to say, but I couldn't stop it. I knew that the Eternalwas only listening and observing, it wasn't communicating directly with her. But it still made me want to scream in the vain hope I could somehow reach her.

"Nah. I probably would've just blown you to hell anyway. Good luck, Natarle Badgiruel!"

The visual was killed then, and with it, the visage of Murrue Ramius, lost in madness, lost in . . . whatever they had done to her.

In that moment, I didn't just cry. I felt a sense of helplessness, which in turn led to rage. Rage against Blue Cosmos, a rage greater than anything I had ever felt before.

It wasn't good enough for them to want to wipe out all Coordinators. It wasn't good enough for them to be experimenting on Naturals at that base. It wasn't good enough for them to prepare to brainwash me. No. No. They had to take it another step further. They had to keep pushing.

They had to take Murrue Ramius and turn her against us. Make her into something she was not. Turn that kind, reasonable, empathetic person and make her into the most hateful . . .

I still can't write the words, even now.

As my hands turned into fists, I knew that they had finally crossed a line. It was personal now. They had robbed me of my friend, my captain, and now had turned her into a monster to be unleashed against us.

They were going to pay. All of them.

Hot tears spilled from my eyes. "O-Open the hangar."

Talia Gladys spoke reasonable words. She was making the right decision. I don't fault her for that. "You are emotionally compromised; I am not letting you out there in one of our most powerful Mobile Suits, Cagalli Yamato!"

Did she think I was going to go out there and try to reason with her? Gladys had seen the same thing I had. Had seen the eyes of madness, the voice of rage, the demon who had occupied my captain's body.

"You misunderstand," I said. "I'm not going to try to reason with her. My captain is dead. That's someone else inside her body."

Gladys' eyes widened, just a little bit, which confirmed my suspicions.

"I'm going out there to destroy that ship and her body. That way she can finally be at peace."

Gladys sighed. "You sure you can do this?"

"I know I will," I replied.

I wasn't going to take 'no' for an answer at this point anyway. The only way I was going to live with what I had seen was if the ship the Archangel was fighting was completely destroyed.

Murrue had not recognized Badgiruel or anyone else on the Archangel. Why would she recognize me?

The only way to save Murrue now was to kill her. Kill her in such a way that she could never be brought back again.

"All right," Gladys said finally. "Get out there. Blow the ship to hell."

"Yes, ma'am." I left the bridge then, and I wiped the tears from my eyes as I floated down the hall.

The fact that I knew the only course of action to take did not make this easier. If anything it made it harder.

I had just promised to kill my captain, my friend, the woman who had gone out of her way to rescue me, and I was going to return the favor by killing her instead of trying my own rescue.

That realization put a pit in my stomach that did not abate, even after I launched.


I was going to approach this deed with a grim professionalism. I saw that the Archangel and most of Zala's team were embroiled with the three Mobile Suits I had dealt with in the Orb battle. The Raider, Calamity, and Forbidden were squaring off with the Aegis, the Buster, and the Blitz. Most of the Orb Astrays were stuck trying to guard the Kusanagi, which had gotten itself caught on a wire and was a sitting duck if it was attacked directly.

However, it looked like the enemy ship's entire Mobile Suit group was fighting the Archangel and Kusanagi. That meant I had a shot at flying around the battle and attacking the enemy ship directly.

I scanned the ship and I got a prompt identification. It was the Dominion.

Not only that, but it seemed to be of the same make as the Archangel. It had darker paint, but otherwise could be a clone of the Archangel. The contrast almost made me chuckle bitterly. It was like the Earth had gone out of its way to create a dark, evil counterpart to the Archangel.

I knew Athrun was going to take off any second and I did not want him involved in my self-imposed mission. So I shot off as fast as I could towards the Dominion. My goal was to fly around the ship and target the engines to the rear, causing crippling damage if not blow the whole thing up.

That was the best way to end this battle, and end Murrue's torment.

I fought tears as I sped off through space towards the Dominion. I kept thinking, over and over, Why can't you save Murrue? Why can't you save Murrue? She saved you. Why don't you do the same? Why don't you save her?

I knew the answer. I knew it, because this was a different circumstance than when I was imprisoned at that Blue Cosmos base. I knew it because Murrue was brainwashed and I wasn't. I knew it because this was all-out war and there was no way I could just park my Mobile Suit in space and try to shoot my way through an entire ship just to get to Murrue.

I was capable of a lot, but not that much. It was an impossible task.

I could not save her. It was suicidal to try. My friends needed me. Our small fleet needed me. Athrunneeded me. Like hell I was going to die right after kissing him.

This was the only thing I could do.

That's when a proximity alarm erupted while I was halfway there, and I realized I was being shot at by the Strike Alter.

Speak of being brought back from the dead. It was Joan Memphis, once again.

"Dammit!" I let my shield block some of Joan's shots, and then shot at her again.

She was aggressive. Getting closer and closer. I realized right before she hit point black range that she was going to try to switch to a melee weapon and stab me.

I switched to my sword as well and we deadlocked in space, neither of us giving an inch.

I turned on my coms. "Damn you, Joan! Do you realize what you're doing? Do you realize what you're fighting for?"

"I know full well what I'm fighting for," Joan replied coolly.

The fact that she would sound so calm in this circumstance pissed me off. "How dare you! Do you know who your captain is? Do you know who she is, who she was, to all of us?"

"Don't talk to me like I'm an idiot! I know she was Murrue Ramius!"

She broke the deadlock then and we found ourselves at a draw. She made no aggressive moves, it was clear she aimed to talk to me.

"You think I don't feel anything at all? I know it's wrong! They brought her back from a near-death coma and remade her in their image!"

"Why her?" I screamed. "Why Murrue?"

"I don't know! I guess they were impressed with her ability! She held the Archangel for weeks behind enemy lines without any real supply line! And even after being shot two or three times and falling into the damn sea she still lived! She was comatose but she was still alive!"

That sounded like Murrue. She was strong, strong in ways that you couldn't see from a first glance.

Joan's voice lowered. "Well, that and Muruta Azrael took a rather personal interest in her. I can't elaborate, I've said too much as it is."

The name sounded familiar. I remembered Hilda Harken describing him. He was the leader of Blue Cosmos.

The horror of what Joan was implying hit me then, with the force of a semi-truck. "Oh my God."

Now it was clear. Why Murrue was not only alive, but brainwashed to be one of them. It was none other than the leader of Blue Cosmos taking a personal interest in her, turning her into his puppet!

I felt sick. No, disgusted. I almost wanted to throw up after realizing the implications.

"Is he on the ship?" I asked her.

She paused for just a moment. "Yes."

"I know what I have to do then." As long as he was there, making sure his puppet was doing as she was told, there was no hope for Murrue. How could she break the conditioning if someone was there reinforcing it?

I forced myself to see the seed in my eye and I saw it shatter. "I apologize, Joan, but I'm going to have to go through you if you won't get out of my way."

She wasn't budging. "I can't stand aside. They're the only reason I'm still alive, and it's like I told you. I have too much self-preservation to die."

"How about I test that theory?" At this point, while I sympathized with Joan and her own desperate situation, I didn't have much of a choice. I was going to destroy the Dominion,

I came after Joan, slashing at her, and we began a melee battle with our swords. I quickly got an advantage of her and sliced her shield in half, which forced her to back off and switch to her rifle to shoot at me.

"You'll run out of ammo, Joan! You only have so much power! The Freedom can run forever!" I yelled as I switched to my own rifle and started shooting at her.

She was too close and too fast to try to do an auto-lock. The Strike Alter was not a bad machine at all. It seemed like a more advanced Strike, engineered for speed and to be more stealthy. It was easy to lose among the stars, requiring all of my focus to keep her within my sights.

"Well then I'll have to defeat you before that happens!"

That was when she was shot from behind, though it was not a crippling blow. Joan screamed and immediately tried to get her smoking Mobile Suit away from me. I checked my radar and realized it was Flay Allster's Astray.

"Cagalli! What are you doing out here by yourself?"

"Flay," I said softly.

"I thought I was supposed to be the crazy one! You need a wingmate if you're going to pull a stupid stunt like this!"

Flay's Astray continued to shoot at the Alter, who lost the remainder of its shield blocking Flay's salvos.

"Why are you here and not with the Kusanagi?" I asked.

"Someone had to try to fly through that battle and get to you! Even Athrun's held up back there!"

Another shot by Flay grazed the Strike Alter, damaging its left leg. I could hear Joan cry out from the force of the shot. She was on the ropes now, she couldn't really fight me in a straight-up battle, much less fight both me and Flay.

"Well, this isn't going according to plan," Joan murmured, either to me, or to herself, I couldn't tell which.

"You're dead!" Flay yelled. At this point, I was going to allow Flay to finish Joan off. I didn't have the heart to do it. Joan, however briefly, had been a comrade of mine as well. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be here right now anyway.

I felt helpless. There was no way to save Joan, just like there was no way to save Murrue. I didn't know which was worse, Murrue being brainwashed or Joan being completely aware of her hopeless circumstances. Both seemed cruelly evil in their own special ways.

Flay shot off the Strike Alter's head then, and I knew what was going to happen to Joan in a matter of seconds. It was like it was being played out in slow motion. Joan was finished, this time for good. She was completely on the defensive, being gradually taken apart by Flay and her Astray.

The next shot blew off Joan's right arm, destroying her last way of defending herself. She seemed to float in space, not even bothering to try to evade or fight back anymore.

I just heard her voice, addressing me directly, with the gravity of someone knowing she was saying her last words.

"Cagalli, don't tell Sting, Stellar, or Auel about this, okay? Don't tell them I made it this far."

Flay was lining up her last shot. "I won't," I said, right before Flay fired.

The shot went right through the chest, and moments later, the Strike Alter vanished in a spherical, fuchsia explosion, the reactor having failed to the point where it completely obliterated the Mobile Suit.

There was no way Joan was going to miraculously survive that. I knew, from the bottom of my heart, she was gone for real.

The seed vanished, and I took a breath. The pit in my stomach seemed have gotten bigger. I found myself wishing that I could have saved Joan somehow, instead of simply trying to end her misery by killing her.

But how? If I couldn't save Joan, how could I save Murrue? How could I even reach her?

"Cagalli, look," Flay said.

I saw the Dominion firing signal flares. I recognized the type of signal: it was to retreat. The destruction of the Strike Alter meant that I had a clear shot towards the Dominion, and that meant they had to pull back and regroup.

I couldn't keep up my pursuit. Not with the other three GUNDAMs they had falling back to protect theDominion. I had learned the hard way how difficult that had been the first time.

"Yeah," I said. "There's no way we're going to catch that ship. We're going to need to pull back too."

"Good. First time this battle you've made a lick of sense," Flay said with a heavy sigh. "Just glad the battle with that dark Strike was a lot easier than the one we had before. I don't know if we got better or if she got worse."

Or, I was wondering, maybe Joan had just decided at that moment to let Flay kill her, now that she had told me about what had really happened to Murrue.

"I don't know," I said, and I turned the Freedom towards L4 and blasted off towards it, Flay following me.

I wasn't going to be able to do anything about Murrue yet. At this point, I wasn't sure if when I was going to get a chance to.

But, remembering what happened to Joan, and being reminded of Joan's helplessness . . .

I had to try with Murrue. Even if it was futile, even if it was hopeless. But I couldn't kill Murrue, not without trying to get her to snap out of it first. Otherwise, I'd just be failing Murrue like I failed Joan.

I couldn't keep failing people. Not anymore.

I gripped my control stick harder. I can't give up on you yet, Murrue. I can't. Not until I know for sure you're gone.

The pit in my stomach went away, just a little bit, as we went to L4.

My captain. My friend.

Lost, but now found, only to be lost again.


Gundam SEED and its sequel series developed an unhealthy habit, almost to the point of self-parody, of bringing people back from death or apparent death.

With Joan, it's dark satire of Sting's two deaths in SEED Destiny. You can interpret it either straight or as black comedy if you wish.

With Murrue, it's going to be an outright deconstruction of this tendency of SEED and SEED Destiny. One that will have a lot of consequences for all of the characters who knew her. This is going to be a serious look at this type of event.

I have plans to deconstruct (and perhaps reconstruct) this trope of SEED and SEED Destiny even further in the future. Stay tuned to see what that is. Until next time.