This has been a long time in coming. Sorry about the wait.
Chapter Seventy-Seven: Nutshell
I parked my broken GUNDAM in the hangar bay, and waited for the pressure to seal before I would dare open my cockpit. I wanted to continue crying.
She was out there. Murrue Ramius, my captain, the woman who saved me, was now suffering the fate intended for me. I should have been in her position, brain-washed and a tool, but instead, by saving me, she was now the one suffering.
She didn't deserve it. Any of it. All she wanted was to save me. That was all she wanted! And instead there she was, reduced to being Azrael's little pet, suffering inside her own body, if she was even still aware of what had happened to her anymore.
No, she was still aware. She had recognized me. She recognized me. She knew who I was, and that was not because of some intelligence report or photograph. She knew, on some deep, hidden level, that she had met me before.
Murrue was still in there somewhere. She recognized me, that proved it. I didn't know why it was me and not Mu La Flaga or Natarle Badgiruel who had gotten her to remember, even if it was just a tiny bit. I wasn't so sure I cared. I had my proof that Murrue still existed, and that maybe she was still fighting underneath whatever programming Azrael did to her.
How I would save her, I did not know. Despite what I had promised everyone, though, I felt I still, somehow, had to try. I knew this, even as I managed to pilot my crippled GUNDAM into the Archangel's hangar bay, as the battle continued to be waged.
"Wonder what they're trying to do," Flay managed.
"I don't know." And I didn't really care. Though if I cared to guess, we would be trying to break out somehow and escape.
The hangar bay repressurized, and Flay reached around me and opened the cockpit. "Come on. We need to see if there's anything we can still do to help."
"Like what?" I asked. "The Freedom is a wreck."
Flay looked at me sternly. "Cagalli, please . . ."
I knew what Flay was saying without her really needing to say it. I needed to wake the hell up and get back to work.
Though what 'work' actually entitled, I had no idea. My machine was completely trashed, after all.
But, nevertheless . . . "All right, Flay."
I followed her out of the cockpit and we floated down to the door, just as the ship briefly rocked. It didn't seem lethal otherwise we all would've been blown up by that point.
Flay ran to the nearest communicator. "Captain Badgiruel! This is Lieutenant Allster! I have Cagalli with me, we've docked safely! Requesting instructions!"
"Your instructions are to sit down and shut up until we're finished with the battle! Over and out!"
Well, one thing was for sure, Badgiruel hadn't lost her gift with eloquent orders.
Flay turned to me, a nervous smile on her face. "I don't think she's happy with us."
"No duh, Flay." I leaned against the wall and closed my eyes for a minute.
I wasn't sure which I was dreading more, getting blown up, or facing Badgiruel's wrath over my stupidity.
Neither seemed to be merciful, and I had the most helpless feeling in my gut the more I thought about it.
I was never going to do something dumb like that again, even though I wanted to save Murrue. There was no way I was going to let myself be this helpless ever again.
Not when everyone was counting on me.
Athrun told me the battle back in space flipped pretty dramatically not long after I docked with theArchangel. Originally the plan was to break out by attacking Rau Le Creuset's ZAFT fleet directly, but that radically changed when something happened that we never anticipated.
We got reinforcements. Kira's radio call actually worked.
An Earth detachment of eight ships arrived, and threatened to cut off the Dominion. The Dominion quickly high-tailed it out of there, which meant the ZAFT ships had our completely undivided attention. Two of them, including the flagship Vesalius, were blown into oblivion, and I learned later that indeed, Captain Ades, who had briefly commanded us for that brief sortie before Spitbreak, was onboard when it blew.
I didn't get to know Captain Ades very well, so it didn't affect me like it affected Athrun, Nicol, and Dearka. But it was clear that they had lost someone they had cared about. And I still felt a little shaken up at the thought of someone else I knew had died during our war. We had all been on his side before, and then we turned against him, and he was dead indirectly because we betrayed him.
That was war for you. People you know will die. Others change into people you can't recognize. It just seemed to be a particularly cruel twist, with me having fought on every side in this conflict and Murrue's transformation so much more macabre than anyone could possibly imagine.
There was no word whether Asta Joule was on the casualty list. I found myself in the strange position of hoping she was dead. It was clear Rau was trying to push her into joining him in his insanity, or have her execute his plans if he fell. It was not a sentiment I liked having, but it would make me a lot more comfortable if her remains were floating out there. But there was no sign at all, and until I knew, there would be an uncomfortable sensation in the back of my mind, telling me that she would come for me in order to achieve vengeance, whatever that entailed.
Before we could get much more settled, three ZAFT ships showed up, also with the intention of defecting, though only one was a combat vessel, the others were supply ships. So all of a sudden, our three-ship fleet had increased to fourteen ships in total.
I already knew before I approached the Archangel's bridge what the new strategy was. We weren't going to run anymore. We were going to stand our ground and consolidate it. L4 and all of its horrors and secrets belonged to us.
And its repair facilities, for that matter.
The ache in my stomach as I approached the bridge gripped me like a vise the closer and closer I got, until I was just drifting in the zero gravity towards the door. Somehow, eventually, I entered the bridge, and I saw Natarle Badgiruel and the rest of the principal Archangel crew, along with a significant amount of personnel from nearby ships, all around us.
Naturally, Badgiruel focused her attention on me. "Cagalli! What the hell were you thinking?"
I found myself quite unable to meet her in the eye. "I'm sorry, Captain."
Badgiruel would have kept chewing me out, but La Flaga, himself still wounded, gripped Badgiruel's left shoulder. "Now's not the right time for this. She's been through a lot the last twenty-four hours."
Badgiruel still shot me an angry look, but then she looked away from me. "Fine."
I deserved a chewing out, and I had the sudden realization I would have preferred it if Badgiruel had ignored Mu La Flaga and continued ripping my head off. At least then I knew it would be over with, that what I was dreading was over.
"I don't see what you're so concerned about." It was a new voice, from directly behind me. I turned and saw a tall, almost domineering Japanese woman at the entrance to the bridge.
"You've nearly quadrupled your fighting strength and I highly doubt we'll be the last to join up with you," the woman said.
"Admiral Misora!" I had never seen Natarle Badgiruel in brain-lock before, but that's what she looked like at that moment. She was clearly unsure if whether to salute or maintain the informality that we had since leaving Orb.
"Who?" I muttered under my breath. Just what we needed, a pompous admiral to come in and screw everything up.
Misora floated past me and paid me no mind like she didn't hear me, though I had a feeling she had. She got in-between Gladys and Kisaka, her arms folded in front of her chest. "Don't worry about saluting me, Captain Badgiruel. None of us are in the military anymore; we're mercenaries, refugees, survivors."
"Who the hell is she?" I asked Flay.
"Admiral Naomi Misora," Flay said. "She's commands the Second Fleet. Or commanded, I don't know."
I had no idea how much that meant, but at least it gave me something to go on.
"Now, where's your Prince Kira? I'm quite interested in meeting him," Misora said.
Kira emerged from behind Mu La Flaga. "Yes?"
"Ah, excellent." Misora floated over and shook Kira's hand, leaving my brother looking completely embarrassed. "Pleased to meet you, Prince Kira. You sent out quite a moving rallying cry to both sides of the conflict. Considering what was about to happen to me, you picked a most opportune time to send it."
"That . . . that wasn't my intention," Kira said.
I hadn't even heard whatever Kira's radio call actually was. If it already got eleven ships to head to us, though, it must have had some persuasive language, or perhaps some of the evidence of the injustices both sides were making. I made a mental note to listen to whatever Kira had broadcasted himself and see what exactly he said.
"Nonsense. It provided me and those loyal to me a perfect opportunity to get away," Misora said. "The Earth Alliance is under the complete sway of Blue Cosmos, after all, and they're beginning a purge."
"Doesn't surprise me," Captain Gladys said. "They'll want all of their ships in the hands of those ideologically aligned with them."
"It's more than that," Misora said. "You see, I am a Coordinator."
Everyone froze at that remark, and I think Gladys' mouth actually fell open briefly. I don't think anyone anticipated such a casual revelation of such magnitude, that an actual Earth Alliance admiral was a Coordinator.
"My loyalty is to my country, not to my genetics," Misora said, eyeing Gladys and the other ex-ZAFT personnel on the bridge. "At the same time, Blue Cosmos will not tolerate a fleet or ship captained by a Coordinator no matter how much loyalty the Coordinator has to the Alliance. Any known Coordinators serving in the Alliance will be purged from the ranks with extreme prejudice, with all of the moderates to follow. They will lose a lot of their best soldiers and minds to this, but to Blue Cosmos, ideological and genetic purity matters above all else."
She pointed at the map displayed in the center of the bridge. "My suggestion, thus, is to stay. There will be more ships coming, slowly but surely. L4 makes for a highly defensible rallying point for anyone who doesn't want to follow the extremists."
"You haven't learned of some crucial information," Badgiruel said evenly. It was clear she wasn't appreciating the admiral's attempts to subvert her authority just minutes after her arrival. "The Earth Alliance just got ahold of N-Jammer Cancellers. They will have nuclear weapons within months if not weeks."
"Still leaves us some time to stay at L4," Misora said. "Right now, until we get things settled, we shouldn't try to launch any counteroffensives anyway. Especially as we'll be dwarfed by the ZAFT and Earth Alliance fleets."
"Yes, but you are also missing a crucial fact, Admiral Misora," Badgiruel said. "Unless we go mobile soon, L4 is a sitting duck. Either ZAFT or the Earth Alliance will attack it eventually. We can't consolidate for long. And eventually, once the Earth Alliance gets those nuclear weapons operational, we'll be first on their list."
Misora bit her lip. She wasn't used to being questioned like this. Clearly she didn't have an officer like Natarle Badgiruel in her ranks who would dare to question her decision-making.
"We'll have to do one of two different strategies then," Misora said. "One, we find some way to get L4 moving again, or two, go mobile as you said."
"Or three," Badgiruel snapped, "We decide who's in command before we come up with a strategy. You're not automatically in charge just because you were an admiral before you waltzed in here."
I almost smiled. That was a sick burn by Badgiruel, although all it did was put a considerable amount of tension in the room.
"Right," Misora said, smiling in a shaky, tense manner that strongly suggested she was holding in a rather infuriated temper. "Of course. That makes sense, Captain Badgiruel."
"We don't know how many people will be coming," Kira said after a moment. "There'll be people trying to bring their families with them. We'll have to shelter them. I think either we disable the radio signal after a short while, or we try to gain control of L4 and steer it in a way that'll make it inconvenient to blast out of existence."
"It'll be hard to do that without flying it into the debris belt," a male ZAFT officer replied.
"Maybe that's what we should do, hide in the debris belt after a while," Misora said.
That started an officer's row, and I just had enough and floated away.
Let them fight it out over rank and strategy. I didn't much care.
The only use they would have for me is to go out in the Freedom and fight, and there wasn't much the Freedom could do right now anyway.
I was a third wheel.
They had already begun repairing the Freedom in the L4 facilities, and there wasn't anything I could do other than sit down on the frigid floor and watch.
I wasn't much of a mechanic. All this time, I had relied on others to keep my GUNDAM operational, whether it was the Strike or the Freedom. Largely Kira, but also the Archangel personnel in general. If they weren't so skilled with the upkeep, I wouldn't be able to keep piloting my machines. But this was something far worse than what I had done to either the Strike or Freedom before, and I had brought the Strike back in questionable shape in particular.
What purpose did I have until the Freedom was operational again? Would I be allowed to fly it again once it was repaired? Would I fly anything ever again?
What else could I do but sit and watch while other people tried to fix my machine? Maybe I should head over there and actually learn how to repair my GUNDAM for once. At least then I'd be productive.
"Cagalli." Athrun's voice.
I turned to my right and there he was, standing only a few feet away from me.
Wow, my spatial awareness had gone completely to hell. I should have seen him coming from a mile off in this ginormous hangar.
"What do you want?" I asked.
"I just wanted to make sure you're okay," Athrun said.
"I'm alive, aren't I? The Freedom's in worse shape than I am." I wasn't in the mood to talk to him, and I was hoping he wouldn't dare to sit down next to me.
Which, of course, is what he did. And threw his arm around my shoulders besides.
"I know why you did what you did," Athrun said softly. "I'm not going to yell at you about that. I'm not sure what I would've done if I had to face Commander Le Creuset ranting and raving at me in L4."
"So you heard," I replied.
"Yeah. The word's spreading that Le Creuset lost his mind and gave the N-Jammer Canceller right to the Earth Alliance. They're wondering whether they should leak this back to PLANT or not," Athrun replied.
"I wouldn't do it," I replied. "It just gives ZAFT more time to come up with something else as equally stupid as the Earth Alliance firing nuclear weapons everywhere."
Athrun chuckled softly. "I wouldn't doubt it."
There was a weight behind his words. I realized he had to be thinking about his father. Patrick Zala did not have the look of a completely sane man when I had left him, and there was a good possibility he was getting worse, and there was nothing any of us could do about it.
I sure as hell wasn't going to go back to ZAFT, and I hoped Athrun wasn't going to try, even though I made him promise that he wouldn't. I wasn't sure how many more of these blows I could take.
"I think the only thing we can do is find some way to destroy the nuclear weapons before they're fired at the PLANTs," I said. "And then systematically destroy both fleets. There's no way we can stop the war without killing them, Athrun."
"Kira says he wants to try to find a peaceful solution," Athrun said.
"Kira won't find it. There's no way to end it without another battle," I replied. "Blue Cosmos and your father won't hug it out, Athrun."
Athrun looked at me with an almost sad expression. "What?" I asked.
"You were a lot more optimistic in the Academy," Athrun said.
That was an almost laughable statement. "The war's beaten out my optimism, Athrun. I have seen how monstrous people can be. You saw it for yourself when my P.O.W.s were crushed by that ZAFT Mobile Suit. These people are so insane they'll kill their own side to slaughter defenseless foes just wanting to surrender."
The memory of those soldiers getting blasted into pieces of charred flesh and then being mercilessly crushed under the GINN's colossal foot, like they weren't even worthy of the grave, has never been able to leave me, even as I write this. I could recall it back then like it had literally just happened, and it's not the least bit foggy, now. I think it's become like the defining moment in my attitude towards people and war. It shows what happens when people gaze into the fog of war for so long. You become lost in it, and soon you become a mere part of it, a demon lurking in some stygian tree, snatching up other lost souls.
Just thinking about it in the hangar, even though it had been a significant amount of time, made me feel as weak and impotent as I had when it initially happened. The only difference was that I wasn't shutting down completely, and their screams and cries felt fainter, like echoes.
I felt Athrun's arm wrap around me and I let him draw me in closer to him. I don't know what was keeping me going at that point, after everything I had seen, after everything I had done, and after everyone I had lost.
Maybe I was just numb. Maybe Athrun was holding me together.
"It's all right. None of it will happen again. We'll stop it," Athrun replied.
I had no words. I looked into his deep blue eyes and felt something seize up in my chest that was unique and powerful, and I was lost in its thrall. For some reason, I wanted to kiss him just because he was willing to try to comfort me.
And that's what I did, right in the hangar.
It was the start of two big mistakes, two mistakes that will follow me around for the rest of my life.
My most beloved mistakes.
