Chapter Eighty-Two: Youth Authority
I sat alone in the medical bay, waiting.
It had been a week since the nausea had started. It would go away, and then come back. It was becoming increasingly difficult to hide, and while no one had noticed the pattern yet, unless I knew what was going on, I wasn't going to be able to keep hiding it.
I wanted to worry about other things, more important things. Like whether Durandal or anyone else had anything to do with the death of Siegel Clyne. Siegel Clyne's death still wasn't public, and it wasn't going to be public for some time, perhaps not until after the war was over, so it was driving me insane that I couldn't talk about it to most people. Not even Athrun was cleared to know, and I had a feeling I wouldn't be cleared to know if I hadn't found the body first.
This, ironically, was due to Durandal. I had heard him broach the subject a few days prior.
"Siegel Clyne is a major inspiration for the Coordinators that have joined this alliance. If it comes out that he is dead, and not merely in seclusion, it will severely injure morale among the Coordinators in our ranks. I recommend we keep his death from becoming public until the war is resolved, that way we don't lose any cohesion among our ranks."
His words made sense. They were spoken with a clinical, serious manner, and they had a logic to them. Of course they would, he was a doctor. And I could even see why he was amassing a following. He justsounded like he knew what he was talking about.
But I couldn't trust him. Especially since it just seemed so convenient. He had a following, but he would never have a chance of usurping Siegel Clyne unless the man was dead. Even though there was nothing connecting Durandal to the death directly, even though Durandal was weakening his own chances at control by suggesting the death stay secret, I just didn't buy it. But I didn't have any proof, and I had no idea how to get it. The only thing I could think of, which was interrogating the scout that had spotted Clyne in that building, they were already doing. And that questioning was going nowhere, it was clear that the scout didn't know anything.
So Siegel Clyne was dead, and until proven otherwise was a suicide. I just couldn't believe that, even in grief, he would do such a thing.
That's what I wanted to investigate. That's what I wanted to worry about. But then I kept getting sick, especially in the morning. And then that gave me something else to worry about, along with the reality that the final battle was approaching. There were reports of the Earth Alliance mustering up a fleet to make their move, so the end wasn't far away.
But how was I going to fight them if I was, well…
When Dr. Jacqueline Grumman re-emerged from the testing, I held my breath. The look on her face was not encouraging, and I could feel my stomach sink into my chest, and my heart beat several times faster.
"Oh God," I managed to croak.
Grumman nodded humorlessly. "You can look at the positive result if you want."
"I don't need to." I found my eyes sinking down towards the floor. A couple of hours where I lost control of my emotions, where I couldn't restrain myself. Just a couple of hours, and… this had just happened to me.
This wasn't just karma biting me in the ass, this was fate, or God, being cruel to me. Not only did I feel helpless, but I also felt directionless. I just felt lost, like I didn't even know my own reality anymore.
I wasn't ready for this. My family wasn't ready for this. Athrun wasn't ready for this.
How was I going to tell any of them? Or Badgiruel? How long could I hide it before the bump started to show?
How long could I be in zero gravity before it affected the baby? L4 had Earth-levels of gravity, as did any ship docked with it, but the moment we went out into space? Unless I went into specific areas of the ship I was going to be in zero-g. What would happen to the baby if I stayed out of L4 for too long?
Oh God, I was already thinking like a mother.
It hit me then that I had buried my face in my hands. "I don't know what to do," I finally said. I couldn't even bring myself to look at the test Grumman was still holding.
"Who's the father?" she asked.
"Athrun," I said.
Grumman sighed. "Somehow that does not surprise me. The two of you have been seen making out in half the colony, I swear."
I don't think it was that much, but a few of our kisses and hugs had been in public. But I guess it was enough for some people to notice.
"They can't know. Not yet," I said.
"They'll have to. You're already a month along. The time's coming when-"
"I already know that," I snapped. I quickly realized that my tone of voice wasn't appropriate and I tried to calm myself down. "I'm sorry. I know that they'll have to know eventually. And they're not going to send out a pregnant girl out there in the Freedom once they do know."
Grumman nodded impassively. "You're right, they won't."
"I… I want to stall this out for another month if I can, until I know what to do," I said. "It won't show for another month, right?"
"It usually doesn't start showing until the three month mark," Grumman replied softly. "But by that point, you will need to be in Earth gravity over ninety percent of the time if not even more, in order to ensure that the child doesn't have defects… or that you won't miscarry."
The thought of defects or a miscarriage put my head into a spin that seemed to last forever, and I forced myself to block out the horrible thoughts of such a thing happening to me or to the baby.
"So basically, I have a month, or even less, before they have to know and I'm pulled from the line," I said.
"Yes, unless you miscarry or choose to abort the baby," Grumman replied.
The thought of an abortion seemed almost a necessity considering military and biological reality, but as quickly as it came, the thought was dismissed in my head. I had to try to stall this out. If the rumors were true about the Earth Alliance about to make their move, it seemed likely we would be deploying before I would have to tell anyone about this.
Suddenly, the thought of participating in a final, possibly apocalyptic battle didn't seem so bad.
But I also knew that I didn't want anyone piloting the Freedom other than myself. So if it came down to it, flying the Freedom or keeping the baby, what could I do?
I was going to have a lot of sleepless nights contemplating this.
Hell, I did have sleepless nights contemplating this, I shouldn't even use passive tense for this.
But seriously, choosing to sacrifice potentially everyone's future for one baby's future, or vice versa?
I wasn't ready to make that choice. Not by a long shot.
The Freedom was finally fully repaired, and I nearly cried as I handled the control stick, and not for the reasons you might expect. I was wondering if it would be the last time I was flying the Freedom, because the moment they knew…
Grumman had promised to keep the positive result confidential. I had a month to figure things out. If I didn't make up my mind, she would go to Badgiruel and my mind would be made up for me.
But still. There was an eerie sadness I felt when I held the control stick. The Freedom was rebuilt, and I was still being trusted to fly it, but the time was coming when it would end. If I screwed up again, I would never fly it again, not when it took over a month to fix it. If they found out about the pregnancy, they would pull me from the line and the Freedom would be flown by someone else.
I didn't want to lose the Freedom. I had a comfort with it that I did not have with the Strike or the Justice. It symbolized something to me that neither the Strike or the Justice represented. More than either of the other GUNDAMs, the Freedom felt like an extension of myself.
I was going to end this campaign flying the Freedom, one way or another.
"This is Cagalli Yamato," I said. "GUNDAM Freedom, launching!"
I accelerated and launched out of L4, and it brought back something I hadn't felt in eons, the joy of flying.
Once something has been taken away from you, you realize how much you missed it.
If only I wasn't going to be flying the Freedom into battle one more time.
"You all right Cagalli? That was Athrun, who still didn't have a clue about his impending fatherhood. Until I knew what was going to happen with myself, there was no way he would know. I was dead sure about that.
"Perfectly fine. It's like riding a bike. Just getting a feel for it." I spun the Freedom around a couple of times, and I felt a small smile creep across my face. It was just like before; they were able to replicate how the Freedom originally flew for me.
Now I felt ready. "Joining the unit."
"Excellent." It took me a moment to realize that was Feldt talking. I looked over at my screen, and there she was, with the headset on. Even through the monitor, however, the blue mark on her face was clearly visible. It truly would be a scar sticking with her for the rest of her life.
"We're going to do a simulated Mobile Suit battle, defending L4 from enemy attack. Power your weapons down to five percent of its strength so you can shoot the dummy targets we have flying around out there without doing harm to your friends. Athrun, we're partnering you up with Nicol and Hilda, while Cagalli will be supported by Flay and Dearka."
I wondered what Feldt's rationale was for this. Chemistry? Or was there a certain strategic hypothesis on her part?
"Athrun, your squad will be Alpha Team. Cagalli, your squad will be Beta Team. Is that understood?"
"Copy that," I said, moment before Athrun did the same.
Flay's Mobile Suit looked a little odd, before I pulled up a visual. It looked much like the Strike, only with more of a red aesthetic to it. "Is that the Strike Rouge I've heard about, Flay?"
"Yes," Flay replied.
"Looking forward to seeing what it can do," I replied.
"So am I." She sounded happy, actually. Happy she was flying in a GUNDAM and not an Astray.
The old Flay would have balked at this. She never would have become a soldier. She never would have gone into battle. Especially not as part of a team otherwise made up of Coordinators. She wouldn't have tolerated this at all. And yet here she was.
I still wasn't sure how to interpret this, or the couple of times I caught her making out with Kira (I'll spare you the details). When someone is the bane of your existence for so long, and gradually becomes your friend and comrade, it just leaves an odd feeling in your heart. You want to believe in her, but at the same time, you just keep watching for any signs of the person's old self to re-emerge.
"Alpha Team," Feldt said. "They're heading to Points Uniform and Victor. Beta Team, head to Point Sierra and hold up there. Dearka, I want you picking off the bogeys as they come in. Cagalli, I want the METEOR pack armed and ready to fire."
It took me until I actually arrived at position Sierra that I was realizing what Feldt was up to. She wanted Dearka by some of the debris by the colony to give him cover so he could shoot at the 'Mobile Suits' attacking Athrun's position. Athrun's own position was a piece of L4 that was too damaged to be usable, and so could be used as a defensive position for Mobile Suits without risking loss of life.
Meanwhile, I and Flay were exposed from the opposite, but then I saw why she wanted this METEOR system attached to the Freedom. I barely understood it, but when I saw the second wave moving in towards Point November, I had a clear shot with the METEOR.
"When do I fire?" I asked.
"Five salvo in five, four, three, two, one.."
I armed the METEOR and fired it, and even at low power, I was awed by what I saw.
This was no mere salvo of missiles. This could massacre dozens of Mobile Suits… or nuclear missiles.
I was slack-jawed when I saw the end result. "Enemy unit… one-hundred-percent KIA."
"We're going to have METEOR attached to the Justice as well," I heard Badgiruel say. "It may be the only thing that could prevent nuclear missiles from striking the PLANTs or L4."
"Let me concentrate, please," Feldt said, before continuing. I nearly laughed. No one would dare cut Badgiruel off at this juncture except Feldt, because she hadn't been around long enough to be intimidated by our captain. "Alpha Team is getting caught in close quarters. Do not fire into that scrum, Dearka. Aim and fire only at the bogeys circling around Alpha."
"Gotcha."
The rest of the mock battle happened in that manner. They threw new wrinkles at us, Feldt would position us, and then we'd act. It was like clockwork.
I had seen the real thing too many times to know it would never be this easy. There would always be surprises or variables that would screw us up. But Feldt was doing a surprisingly good job, especially for a woman who had to adjust for so much.
It looked like Badgiruel was going to get her wish of putting Aisha into an Astray and Miriallia in the co-helmsman's seat after all.
When I got home later that day, I wasn't sure what to do or say.
I watched my family eat while I surreptitiously pretended that I wasn't watching them. Stellar was regaling my poor parents with more misunderstandings of economics, and Elle was just looking happy, completely at peace.
It was like everyone was okay except for me.
How could I disrupt their peace by dumping the fact that I was pregnant on them?
It's stupid, I know, but when I looked at their faces, I really couldn't bring myself to talk about it.
"How safe are we?" Stellar suddenly asked. "This is an old colony, right? How soon until it falls apart?"
Suddenly, her eyes looked towards me, which caught me off guard. While Stellar hadn't been avoiding me or showing any signs of anger, the same bond we once had wasn't there anymore. Now Stellar was leaning on my mother for everything instead of me. So this was a bit of a shocker.
"Do you know, Cagalli?"
I had just been outside flying around in a Mobile Suit, so maybe Stellar figured I would have an idea as I had seen the exterior of the colony. "Uh… I think we're beginning to continuing to expand our reach into L4. The most dangerous sections we've found so far have been cordoned off. Mendel, which is where most of us are living anyway, is in pretty decent shape for being abandoned as long as it has; no serious decay has set in yet."
"So you think we're pretty safe then? We're not all going to be sucked out into space someday?"
"Not for a long time. If we do enough maintenance, likely not for centuries," I replied, thinking of the PLANTs. We certainly had workers who had helped maintain those colonies here, though they were stretched pretty thin. There was no way to cover all of L4 so things had to be prioritized.
Stellar smiled. It was a tiny one, but there seemed to be warmth behind it. Maybe she was finally starting to forgive me for what I did to her. "Thank you. So we can stay here a while if nobody tries to blow it up."
I smiled back, though I knew it had to look uneasy. "Yeah."
"Do you know anything about what's going on?" Dad asked. "Everyone around us is getting nervous. There have been a lot of rumors about plans and movements."
"I'm not really sure. They drilled us for a couple of hours today and there's more drills planned for the next several. I do think we'll be moving out pretty soon, otherwise they wouldn't be pushing us like this," I replied.
"So you'll be fighting again?" Elle asked.
I couldn't lie to her. Not when the truth surrounded us so much. "Yeah. Hopefully for the last time. It seems both Earth and ZAFT are gearing up for one final battle, and we'll have to stop it before it kills everybody."
It sounded so simple, but it was much more complicated than that. Earth Alliance had gotten their N-Jammer Cancellers from Rau Le Creuset, who in turn was part of ZAFT, until he betrayed them out of sheer nihilism. If the Earth Alliance had this technology, ZAFT had it too, and likely had it more refined than the Earth Alliance. There was a good possibility that ZAFT had an ace in the hole that nobody had a clue about, and if it came out during the battle, it would most likely be me who had to deal with it.
Who else could? The Astrays? The old Mobile Armors we had? GINNs?
"Do you think you can win?" Elle asked.
"I think we can, yeah. We've been drawing up a plan, but I don't know the details yet," I replied.
They were all looking at me like they wouldn't see me ever again. Now I knew why the conversation was shifting this direction.
I had already vanished from their lives once and they spent months wondering what had happened to me, or if I died. Now the time was creeping closer that I would have to leave again, and maybe I wouldn't come back this time.
There was a way out. All I had to do was bring up the positive test. That was all it would take. The moment I said it, there'd be no way that I would bring myself to pilot the Freedom. I'd have to volunteer the information to Badgiruel, and I would be sat down and I'd stay out of the remainder of the war.
It was so tempting. And yet…
I knew I really couldn't.
It made me want to cry, but I knew I had to keep my mouth shut. I could not take a get out of war free card. Not at this moment. Not when I was needed the most.
So I couldn't say anything at all about it. I could tell by the look in my mother's eyes she knew somethingwas wrong with me, but she didn't say a word. Like she knew she'd regret asking the moment I gave her the answer.
"All I know is that we expect things to start heating up in the next few days," I said, which was as close to the truth as I knew. "If something does happen, we'll be deploying right away to try to stop this."
"Will you come back?" Elle asked.
Dammit, Elle. "I will, somehow. They've assigned me one of the most powerful Mobile Suits in all of existence. GUNDAM Freedom belongs to me. I will come back."
I smiled at her. "Nothing's going to pull me away from everyone. When this battle's over, I'm coming home."
"And you're going to grow your hair out, right?" Elle asked.
I couldn't believe Elle had remembered that promise I had made her back in the North African desert. "Yeah, I will, I haven't forgotten that promise!"
Great, so if I survived the war, not only was I going to be pregnant but also going to have my hair going down my back. Last thing I wanted was the maiden look. Hopefully I could talk Elle out of it somehow without breaking her heart.
Then again, considering I was going to go into a battle made out of all teenagers other than Hilda in the Aegis…
It really was going to come down to a bunch of kids flying giant war machines to save all of humanity.
And I had already made a big mistake with Athrun.
How were we going to make it through this?
At the time, I couldn't see how.
I'm just surprised on how right I was on how difficult it wound up being.
We will be beginning the finale next chapter. Thank you for the immense amount of patience.
