Chapter 2
"Welcome... to the Wooooorld of Tomorrow!" a voice announced, startling me and causing me to put my hand on the pistol in my pants pocket.
Yes I have a pistol, it was New York and few thought much of robbing the delivery boy.
"Do you have to do that?" another guy asked, turning on the lights at the end of the room.
"It's called showmanship," the first guy, a blonde guy with geeky looking glasses.
"Delivery needs a little work, bit cheesy if you ask me, but not bad," I added.
"See, he gets it," the first guy said.
"Yeah, but he's from the twentieth century," the second retorted.
That was below the belt.
"Come, your destiny awaits," the first guy continued.
A few minutes later i'm outside another room with the word's Fate Assignment Officer on the door.
"Have a nice future," the second guy says and the door opens upwards.
"Wow," I admire, as the other two leave, "just like Star Trek.
And the thing closes on my head.
Q has to involved, this is right up his sense of humour.
I step inside, grumbling about sadistic omnipotent beings messing with me, when I look up and see the back of a rather curvy female.
"Good afternoon sir," the woman say, then turns around.
My first reaction is to recoil at the sight of a not-quite human but... she makes the cyclops thing work, she might not be conventionally beautiful but I'm not getting a bad vibe from it.
I really need to get laid.
"Name?" she asks, walking up to me.
"Phillip J. Fry," I reply, "call me Fry, everyone did."
"I'm Leela," I find myself mesmerised by her eye, the animators didn't do iris' in the show but they really dropped the ball, her eye is an amazing amethyst, that goes well with her darker shaded hair, "now, it's New Year's Eve, so I'd like to assign you quickly and get out of here."
I blink as I realise I wasn't paying attention.
"Any questions?"
I bit my lip not ask the obvious.
"Any questions other than about my eye?"
"No," I reply honestly.
"Uurggh," she groans, "go ahead."
"Are you an alien or was there a real Eugenics War?"
"A what?" she asks, bewildered.
"Well, in the back story for the original Start Trek series, Humanity dabbled too much in genetic engineering and a war broke out between those augmented and vanilla humanity," I explained, "you know? science running amok and biting us in the arse? I was wondering if something similar happened or you are an alien."
"That's... actually better than most questions I get from morons waking up from the twentieth century," was that a compliment? "well, there have been a few cases of science getting out of control over the years but nothing involving genetic engineering."
"So you are an alien? Is it common?" I replied.
"Fairly," that's when I notice the date on the blimp outside, Leela looks at me with a little concern.
"I knew I'd been gone a long time but... a Thousand Years?" I just slump against the wall as it all comes crashing down. "Shit."
"This must be very hard for you," Leela said gently, "but there's work to be done so strip naked and get on the Probulator."
Five minutes later I'm bollock naked on a table that looks like it came straight out of a bad alien abduction movie.
Sure felt like it when it went to work too.
As I slip my boxers on I hear a fax machine start up.
A fax machine?
"Well, it seems you have one living relative, he's your great, great, great, great..."
Five minutes later.
I'm fully dressed and still have my pistol hidden.
"...Great, great, nephew," Leela finished.
"That's great," I couldn't resist, "what's his name?"
"Professor Hubert Farnsworth," she shows me a picture of a wrinkly old man.
"You know," I muse as Leela finishes writing up my file, "I'm the luckiest guy in the future. Granted a chance to begin again and make something of my life..." I'm interrupted as an alarm sounds, "What's that?"
"Your permanent career assignment," she rotates the holo-screen to show me.
Delivery Boy?
To Hell with that!
"Anything else, Please?" I begged.
"You've been assigned the job you're best at, just like everyone else," Leela retorted.
"And what if I don't want to?" I argued.
"Then you'll be fired..."
"Yes!"
"Out of a cannon and into the sun," Leela deadpanned.
"You've been waiting to use that line," I accused.
"Maybe," she hedged, "now hold out your hand."
"Bugger off," and i'm out the door before she can grab me.
Right turn. End of the corridor. Left turn. And...
I'm back where I started.
"Bugger," I muttered as I eyed the tube I was released from.
I hear boot steps behind me and dodge, I turn round and back up.
"Hold still, damnit," Leela said, "I don't have good depth perception."
I can almost imagine the light bulb above my head right now.
I stop just in front of the cryo-tube.
She lunges at me and I dodge at the last second.
As she rights herself the tube seals and the lock activates.
"I can't believe that worked?" I say to myself as Leela finally turns around.
She knocks on the tube three times but can't open it, "you've got until the count of five to open it. One..."
And she's frozen.
"Time to make my exit," I say to myself, but my conscience tugs at me as I reach the door.
Her tube is set for a thousand years.
Could I really do that to her?
Not really, I conclude as I reset the tube for fifteen minutes.
"You owe me one," I told the frozen woman, then continue my plan of escaping.
Once I'm out on the street I'm stunned.
There's people wearing see through bags with sensor strips covering the naughty bits, a cat in a jet pack being chased by a dog in a jet pack.
A guy riding a jet bike; as in, a bicycle with two small jets instead of wheels.
Buses shaped like whales.
A Jet powered armchair.
A gravity defying mono-rail.
And everything hovers, there isn't a wheel in sight.
Though there is what looks like a robot on caterpillar tracks on that street corner.
Then I look up and see people flying through a glass tube.
"Whoah!" I gasp, "did someone find the old Pneumatic Postal system and scale it up?"
I ran around the corner to find a tube that opened to the pavement, a woman disappeared as I watched and a man stepped in.
"JFK Jr Airport," there was a thrum sound and the man was sucked up into the tube.
"Wow," I said and stepped into the tube, "Errr..."
Where did I want to go?
"Grand Central station?" that got me nothing, "How about cross town express?"
I felt a sucking motion then I was screaming as I shot through the tube.
The terror passed and I started to enjoy the trip, I felt like I'd been stabbed as I saw the torch from the statue of Liberty had been removed to make room for the tube.
I felt like screaming, but there's nothing I can do now.
Eventually I note I seem to be slowing and there's a huge ball thing ahead.
I manage to roll over but I still hit a wall at twenty five miles an hour feet first.
Eventually the pain fades enough to stand, but it still feels like I tore something in both knees.
I eventually find what looks like a phone booth. Oddly it looks like one of those early twentieth century wooden walled booths that fully enclosed rather than the modern glass sided ones.
I step into the queue, pulling out the fax with my nephew's details on it. I step forward as the next person enters the booth but I look up as I hear a cup-tapping sound, glancing over my shoulder I gasp.
"Wow!" I say, "a real live robot?" then I frown and squint at it, "or is that a cheezy new year's costume?"
"Bite my shiny metal ass," the robot retorts.
"I've seen plastic car bumpers shinier than that," I retort.
"Why you'ch... what chitta... arrgh urk!" the robot splutters then the pricks of it's eyes go blue.
"That doesn't compute," I teased, glad to see the 'Blue Screen of Death' was still alive and well, I look back and see the queue is gone.
I step into the booth and press the red button labelled start at the top of a grey screen, but nothing happens. I press it repeatedly then as I'm drawing my hand back to belt the thing the robot looks over my shoulder.
"Hey, listen buddy, I'm in a hurry here, so let's try for a twofer?"
He then puts what looks like a quarter on a string into the slot and yanks the coin out.
I roll my eyes as he chuckles at the age old trick.
"Please select mode of Death?"
I blink then shrug, "Yeah, I'd like to place a collect call?"
"You have selected Slow and Horrible."
Wait? Mode of Death?"
"Oh shit!" I curse as the panel opens.
There's a drill, a chainsaw, a pair of electric tongs I once saw used to castrate a guy in a really bad Vietnam movie and two other less identifiable things.
I Yell and flatten myself against the side of the booth, accidentally pushing the robot out of the way too.
After a few moments, punctuated by a K-bar stab, the doors unlock and I scramble out.
"Lousy stinking rip off," the robot mutters, kicking the side of the booth, "oh, by the way, I'm Bender."
"Fry," I reply.
"Well, I didn't have anything else planned for today, let's go get the drunk," Bender suggested.
I didn't have anything better to do.
"You know, I didn't know robots needed to drink," I noted, watching Bender chug a lager.
"I don't need to drink, I can stop anytime I want," Bender retorted, then burped like an exhaust pipe flaming out.
I rolled my eyes at his clichéd response.
"So they made you a delivery boy, huh?" Bender noted, "Beats my job."
"What did you do?" I asked, taking a draft of Doom Bar.
"I'm a bender, I bend girders, it's all I'm programmed to do," Bender.
"You any good at it?" I ask, then fight the urge to facepalm, of course he was good at it.
"You kidding?" he asks me, "I was a star! I could bend girders to any angle: thirty degrees, forty five degrees, fifty seven degrees..."
"Then why'd ya quit?" I asked.
"I found out the girders I bent were used to make suicide booths," he replied.
I sat in silence after that, taking a swig.
Bender then does that thing where he uses his mouth as a trash can, "Well, it was nice meeting you, Fry, but I'm off to kill myself."
"Wait," I exclaimed as he walked away, "you're the only friend I have."
"You really want a robot as a friend?" Bender asked, curiously.
"Yeah, since I was six," I said honestly.
Bender thought it over for a moment, "ok, but I don't want anyone thinking we're robosexuals, so if anyone asks you're my debugger."
I nod in agreement, noting to ask exactly what a debugger was later, when I noted Leela outside.
"Bollocks, I need to get out of here," I muttered.
"Why?" Bender asked.
"Because the Gestapo showed up," I replied, "don't look, don't look!"
"I'm not looking," Bender said nonchalantly, but when I heard the buzz of his eyes, I headed for the back door.
Bender catches up to me on the street and we spend the next twenty minutes running until Bender takes my arm.
"We can hide in here, it's free on Tuesdays," he then drags me up the steps, my knees hitting every single one as he did, and we enter the building.
We duck behind a book case, but spin round when someone speaks.
"Welcome to the Head Museum," my jaw drops as I recognise the speaker.
"I'm Leonard Nemoy," the head himself greeted.
"Wow," I almost ask him to do the Vulcan salute but think better of it, "hello sir, my name's Phillip J Fry."
The door bursts open and Bender and I duck behind a display case, we back up slowly until I bump into another case, I turn round to see several heads overbalance, knocking into each other, one falls off.
I dive for it and catch the head before it hits the floor.
"Phew," I say in relief, then note the head in person, "I'm sorry, Mister President."
"Well, no harm done, kid," Richard Nixon's head replies, "you've got good reflexes, I could use a man like you."
I glance over my shoulder, I silently curse as I note the two cops, "I wish I could take you up on that, Mister President, But I need to leave before the fascists find me," I quietly put him back on the shelf.
"Very well," he says, noting the fuzz as well, "come back to see me sometime, would you kindly?"
"I'll see what I can do, if not I'll call," I said, then hurried into a side hall with Bender.
Bender locks the door behind me and I look inside. It's like an old cell in Alcatraz and there are bars on the windows.
"Damn," I mutter.
"We're trapped," Bender laments.
"Wait," I suddenly realised, "we can get out of here if you bend those bars!"
"Are you kidding?" Bender exclaims, "I only programmed to bend things for constructive purposes..."
"And by quitting you've already defied your programming, it's time you started making your own decisions," I argued, "think of it as bending two small girders."
"You're full of crap Fry," he turns around and breaks a hanging light bulb, electrocuting himself.
"You make a persuasive argument Fry," he then walks past and starts on the bars.
"I can't do it... I can't do it..." the bars start groaning, "I. Can't... Do IT!"
The bars snap and come away, "Alright!" he cries, "From this day forth, I'm going to bend what I like, when I like."
Then his arms fall off.
"Oh," he says sadly.
He then puts his arms back on without them being attached.
"I don't know how you did that?" I saw it and I still can't wrap my head around it.
I hear Leela's warcry and scramble out the hole, Bender following me and bending the remaining bars so she can't follow.
We end up in an alley, the only exit is a grate on the floor.
"Looks like one of us is going to have to bend this grate," Bender postures.
I flip the grate open, Bender whines in disappointment.
I head down the ladder, idly wondering what I'll find below.
But I wasn't prepared for what awaited me.
"What is this place?" I ask as Bender joins me.
"The decaying ruins of Old New York," Bender answers, then cheerfully adds, "Welcome home, buddy."
As we walk the streets, I can make out old landmarks, and not just the famous ones either.
"This is my old neighbourhood," I realised, "this place brings back a lot of memories."
"Keep em to yourself, pops," Bender snarks.
We stop above the old ice rink, but you wouldn't recognise it if you hadn't seen it before, "This is where I took my girlfriend on our very first date," I can imagine what it was like for a moment, the moment is broken as I realise sharks are circling exactly where we danced, and then a large tentacle with an eye on the end rises out of the water.
"They're gone," I realise, "Everyone I knew and cared about is gone."
"Wait, there's someone you know," Bender says, looking over my shoulder.
I look round to see Leela, holding that damn device, in a ray of sunlight.
Something inside me snaps, "You just can't let me go, can you?" I growl.
"You gotta do what you gotta do," she quotes at me.
"You can keep your New World values, coz mine belong to the Old World," I take my grandfather's old Colt 1911, flip the safety as I rack the slide and take aim.
My first shot slams into her device, the next sends her running.
A laser beam makes me duck, I look left to see the two cops holding laser guns.
"Suspect is armed and dangerous, Oh Yeah baby," the robot says into his wrist radio.
I fire two shots into his centre of mass and then start running, a massive crash tells me I've either taken him down, or he's tripped over rubble to avoid my shots.
We keep running for several blocks until I think we've lost them, I keep looking back until Bender gets my attention.
"Look, we can hide in there," he takes off towards the lit building and I follow him, it's not until we are inside that I realise it's the old US Navy recruitment office.
"Wonder why this place is still in one piece," I idly noted.
"Because we use it," I spin round at the voice, raising my pistol but quickly regretting it as two men in exoskeletons raise machine guns in reply.
"I believe we can dispense with the weapons," a man in a blue uniform with cherry facings says, the guards lower their weapons and I take the opportunity to do so, "I am Lieutenant Commander Kyle Williams of the Earthforce navy."
"Phillip J Fry, Twentieth Century slacker and Thirtieth century fugitive," I replied.
"I'm Bender," Bender replied.
"And what brings you to our fine establishment?" Williams asked.
"Trying to escape a gestapo agent from the cryogenics lab sticking me with a deadend job," I answered.
"Indeed," he said inquisitively, "well gentlemen, I may be able to help you, the Force offers many opportunities and doesn't discriminate one race, sex, colour or creed."
"How come you aren't recruiting on the surface?" Bender quizzed.
"Bureaucracy," Williams replied, "United Earth, despite founding the Earth Alliance, is no longer a member, thus while we are permitted to recruit from it's population, due to it being a historical member, we can only recruit where they say we can."
"Which is Old New York," I noted, "I take it they have their own army?"
"Which forms the core of the peace keeping forces of the Diplomatic Order of Planets, yes."
"Can I see a list of options?" I ask, taking the pad and skim reading it.
"Fry, are you really thinking about this?" Bender asked.
"All servicemen and bots get a booze ration, not counting what you pick up on shore leave," I noted.
"Let me see that," I take another pad as Bender swipes the first one.
After a few minutes I decide on the position, "I want to sign up as a midshipman?"
"Sign me up for engineer's mate," Bender adds.
Williams smiles at us, "I have a good feeling about you two."
"Now, minimum tour of service is two years, that takes into account six months training, if you have family, no is the time to say goodbye."
"I don't have anyone to say goodbye to," I say with a sad smile.
"Me neither," Bender adds.
"Then follow me," Williams says.
Ten minutes later I'm in the back of a shuttle prepping to meet a corvette in orbit, I take out the fax of my nephew one last time,
"I'll see you soon, Hubert," I say to the picture, "Just not today."
I put the fax away as the shuttle lifts off, beginning the next chapter of my life.
Little did I know I wouldn't see Earth again for another two years.
