Chapter 4:

"So what was wrong with your date last night?" I asked as I poured myself and Amy coffee.

I never really thought much of coffee or tea before I joined Earthforce, but once in I realised that the Navy ran on the stuff and Helium-3.

Also, Duct Tape, by the long ton.

"I don't know," Leela mused, "it's something I can't quite put my finger on."

"Maybe his vile lizard tongue," she said, wrinkling her nose.

I rolled my eyes at her blinkered outlook on relationships, after the reactor leak I learned that 'Exotic' features were not only sought after but made dating more fun.

I even earned a reputation for having a *ahem* ...smooth tongue.

Amy scoffed, "you're too picky."

"Yeah, exotic features like long, textured or prehensile tongues can be great if used right," I teased, enjoying the blush on the usually stoic captain.

"There's nothing wrong with having high standards," Leela retorted as she stepped over to the conference table, "Now, can we pleas..."

"The female, Leela's, problem is purely medical," Doctor Zoidberg interjected from his seat, "soon she will drop her eggs, they will hatch and all will be well."

"You just need to give males a chance," Ari'el said as I set a mug in front of her.

"Yeah, the first time you meet a guy and think he's a pig," Amy picked up, "then later on you realise he has a really good body."

"Or he's a great orator," I said to Ari'el, wiggling my eyebrows, making the Voxxen snort into her coffee and spray Amy.

I fought not to smile as she tried to glare at me while her cheeks were fluffed out in embarrassment.

If Amy wasn't glaring she'd be cooing at the cuteness.

"Thank you all for your inspiring advice," I wonder if she gives lessons on using sarcasm with a straight face? "but I'm perfectly happy with the way my life currently is."

"That sounds like a cry for help," Bender deadpanned just before he dropped into his seat, "So, Fry. You got your own place yet?"

"Yup, in the 500 Americana," I said, smirking as Bender went into blue screen mode as everyone gasped, "a gift from Admiral Tennant for services rendered."

"You mean when you rammed a frigate up the ass of that Sekhmet trying to tear Nemesis a new one?" Bender asked, drawing more stares from my colleagues.

"That was YOU?" Amy demanded.

I'm not surprised by their reaction, it was one of the most famous scenes of the war, "I believe we were gossiping about Leela's love life, or lack there of?"

I smiled as the conversation turned once again.

"Let's all take her out tonight," Amy suggested, "there's lots of places to meet people."

"The Federal Sex Bureau," Hermes suggested.

"The Saucy Puppet Show," Bender proposed.

"The Warren," I blinked and looked at Ari'el, who wouldn't meet my eyes.

"I'll pick," Amy said after Zoiberg spoke up.


I woke up the next morning with a headache. Not a hangover, I lost the toss and wound up designated driver, so I got stuck watching everyone else, except Leela who stayed stag, get blitzed out of their skulls. Which has coincidentally led to my current situation.

I lean my head away as a soft black nose nuzzles my right ear.

I wound up spending the night with a soused Voxxen curled up in my lap that has a habit of nipping the ears of her sleeping buddy.

I am Damn glad I'm not rooming with Bender... or anyone else.


We're all back at the conference table, drinking coffee, and neither I nor Ari'el can look at each other without blushing.

"So, you must have had the pick of the litter last night, after we all left?" Bender said suggestively.

Leela gave him a look that promised pain, "can we stop talking about my personal life?"

"Yes, let's talk about Leela's personal life later," Farnsworth said, walking over and activating the holo-projector, "we have business to attend to."

"A delivery?" I asked.

"No, a tax-deductible mission of charity," Farnsworth clarified.

The projector started up, "This is Vergon-six."

"This is Vergon-6," Farnsworth said, pointing to the image, "it's a sunny little 'Doomed' planet inhabited by lots of frisky little 'Doomed' animals.

"Animals?" Leela perked up.

"Wait a sec?" Bender interposed, "isn't Vergon-6 the planet that has that Dark Matter core the Doop morons were bragging about?"

I frowned as I remember my last interaction with Brannigan, that did sound like what the blowhard was bragging about.

"Indeed, and now the animals are in desperate need of rescue," Farnsworth continued, "you see, Vergon-6 was once filled with a super dense substance known as Dark Matter, each pound of which weighs over ten thousand pounds."

"Great, a lump of coal that weighs five tons," Bender noted sarcastically.

"Wait, what about the animals?" Leela asked.

"Well Dark Matter is highly valuable as starship fuel, so that's why it was all mined out, leaving the planet completely hollow," Farnsworth explained cheerfully.

"Which means that sucker is on the verge of collapsing in on itself," I pointed out.

"Then what about the animals?" Leela pressed.

"The wha?" Farnsworth replied eloquently.

"The animals?" Leela reiterated.

"I didn't say anything about animals," Farnsworth refuted, "now, it seems the planet will collapse within three days, incidentally, this will kill all the animals."

"So we have to bring back two of each kind," Leela said, "like Noah's ark!"

"Why two?" Bender asked, I rolled my eyes as Leela whispered in his ear (Ear?) and he started giggling.


"I bet Leela's holding out for a nice guy with one eye," I said to Bender as I finished checking our plotted course.

"That'll take forever," Bender argued, "what she should do, is find a nice guy with one eye and poke one out."

I bit my lip to stop from laughing.

"Do you mind?" I narrowly avoid looking at Leela.

"No," I reply cheekily.

"Here you go," Bender says, holding out an iron fork for Leela to take, "you can use this as an eye poker."

"Thank you," Leela deadpans, "I don't care how many eyes a guy has... as long as it's less than five..."

I roll my eyes as scanners pick up a return.

"All I'm looking for, is a guy who's adventurous, self-confident... maybe a snappy dresser..."

"Got a return," I called out.

"How big?" Leela asked.

"Capital class at least," I told her, " probably the Doop blockade ship."

"Wonder which Space Corvette it is?" Bender mused from his station.

"How can a capital ship be a corvette?" Leela asked, confused.

"Corvette was the name of a brand of sports car in the twentieth century," I explained, "the first models had a very distinctive design that the Doop used to model the front of their capital ships with."

"Hence, Space Corvette," Bender finished, "so, which one is it?"

"Getting the IFF... Ah Crud!" I moaned, my voice muffled by my console after introducing it to my face.

"You mean... " I nodded, a clang told me Bender had just joined me in console-face relations, "Ah Great!"

"Is that... The Nimbus!" Leela exclaimed, "That's Zapp Brannigan's ship!"

"WE KNOW!" we both look up to see Leela looking between us as though watching a tennis match, with a bewildered expression.

"You don't like him?" She asked incredulously.

I turned to Leela, "look, we dislike the jerk because we both have scars from several of his foul ups."

"What do you mean?" Leela asked.

"The Dilgar War for a start," I said, counting off on my fingers, "lost my foot at Tyree when Brannigan pissed off the Supreme Warmaster and used our squadron as living shields."

"Yeah, Persephone and Yorck were delivering medical supplies to the refugee camps on the surface, then he swans in, insults the Warmaster, and the cats start shooting at anything with Human lifesigns," Bender supplied.

"But... that's not what the news said?" Leela protested.

"Either Brannigan's a half decent liar or the reporters were taught by the Murdoch School of Journalism," I replied.

"Then there was the Robot Revolt on Proxima III last year, Brannigan strode between the lines of Striking Robots and the Civic Guard and made a very politically incorrect comment that set the strikers off," Bender added

"But just last month he saved the Octillian system from a horde of Killbots!" Leela protested.

"Yeah, by sending waves of his own men at them until they hit their kill quota and shut down, there was only him, his first officer and a single engineering crew left," I argued.

"They even sent the priest, the surgeon and the ship's cat!" Bender added.

"Allowing him to destroy the Killbots with a single pistol shot each after they'd all shut down," I finished.

"A grim day for robot kind," Bender said mournfully, then sat up cheerfully, "well, we can always make more killbots."

"He's the Most Decorated Officer in the Whole Democratic Order Of Planets!" said almost wistfully.

"I thought it was Diplomatic order of planets?" I said quietly to Bender, who shrugged (somehow), then I looked back at Leela and my jaw dropped.

I looked at Bender and mouthed 'Is she fangirling over Brannigan?'

Bender nodded, I turned back to the, now obviously, love struck cyclops, "ahhhhhhhh, Leela's got a crush."

"No I don't," she said a little too quickly, "but I think we ought to meet with him and see if he'll help rescue those animals."

"Well, just in case you guys hit it off, you might wanna take this with you," Bender held up the fork and clicked his teeth suggestively.

I rolled my eyes as Leela brought us in to dock.


We enter the bridge and I'm surprised not to see the blowhard taking centre stage.

"Hello, I'm Leela, the captain of the Planet Express ship," Leela said to the skinny green alien I knew to be Brannigan's first officer, "we've come to plead for your assistance."

"Well, if there's anything..." the XO is cut off by the blowhard himself.

"I'm in command here, the name's Zapp Brannigan," the blond ponce preened, "did my fame preceed me or was I too quick for it?"

My eyes dropped to the red uniform and I nudged Bender, "not sure about the fame but something preceded him."

As Bender giggled I couldn't help but sigh as Leela went all fangirly on the blowhard, "oh no, not at all. I'm just so really thrilled to meet you."

"You're an impressive piece of captain," I fought the urge to puke as he kissed Leela's hand, "Beautiful and Deadly - A potent combination."

I cock an eyebrow, okay for once he's not far off.

Leela blushes and pulls her hand away, "you don't mean that."

"Oh but I do," Brannigan insists, "I've perhaps met three captains more beautiful and only one deadlier."

"Janeway, Daala and Jha'dur," Bender whispered to me.

I nodded as Brannigan loudly invited us to lunch at the Captain's table.


I'm actually enjoying my meal somewhat, turns out Brannigan didn't get the cook killed.

I'm only listening to the dog and pony show with half an ear, which I soon regret as I'm pulled out of my seat by red caps.

"What just happened?" I asked, a little confused.

"We're being thrown in prison," Bender informed me.

"That's gotta be a record, locked up before shore leave even starts," I said without thinking, internally cursing for my brain to catch up to my mouth, "Wait a sec! We were sent here by Doop HQ Earthside to save those animals, I've got the Orders in my pocket!"

The red cap extracts the envelope and hands it to the XO, who on reading them turned to Brannigan, "these appear to be Legitimate, sir."

"Then throw them in the Brig until they're verified by Earth," Brannigan ordered.


"First bloody job from Doop and I get thrown in't clink," I grumbled as Leela tried her luck on the forcefield.

"You know, I might've liked Zapp Brannigan if he wasn't a pompous dimwit who threw me in prison," Leela said.

"Welcome to the club," I said as Bender commented on her high standards in men.


About an hour after Leela is taken to see Brannigan, Bender got bored.

"Hey, we can escape if I bend the hatch cover of this steam pipe," Bender says, standing up.

I'm half asleep so I'm not paying attention, "huh? sure, whatever."

Then my mind reboots, "Steam Pipe?!"

I cover my face in time to keep myself from being blinded.

"No good, it's full of steam!"


Several hours later.

I'm wondering if this is what steamed mussels fell like.

I'm sitting here, in a prison cell turned improvised steam room, clad in nothing but a towel as my balls try to introduce themselves to my knees.

My ear flicks as I look over at Bender, his antenna seems to be trying to impersonate a whip aerial from a Second World War tank.

After a light nap that's done wonders for my sinuses, the XO comes to the cell.

I'm almost fully dressed when he releases the forcefield.

"The fatso says you're free to go," the XO says in a bored tone.

"Why, did the orders clear?" I asked.

"Why indeed," the XO said in an off tone, looking meaningfully at Leela.

"What's that about?" I asked.

"Nothing," Leela said quickly.

"So, should we grab our stuff and head down to the planet?" Bender asked.

"We just talked, ok?" Leela replies.

I exchange a look with Bender.


After several hours of not so amusing shenanigans including Bender getting swallowed by a pregnant snake as large as a bus, me mistaking Leela for an equinoid mimic, and getting blown into the next county by a god-damned Shrimp, Bender and I waited at the ramp for Leela to return, only...

"Put that thing down or I'll kill it myself!" I shouted on seeing the one mammal plague of locusts.

Leela jerked away protectively as the pint sized natural disaster whimpered, "Fry, you're scaring Nibbler."

"Nibbler?!" my brain froze, "but... how... Leela, there's a standing order to kill those things throughout Alliance Space!"

"For a cute little thing like him," Leela asked incredulously.

"They're a one mammal plague of locusts!" I yelled, trying to make her understand, "they are carnivores with a near insatiable appetite and an insane ability to consume prey far larger than them."

"I'm keeping him, Fry," Leela declared, putting her boot down.

I see red for a moment and only catch myself when her eye visibly shows fear and she takes a step back, "Ok, you want to keep the predator, fine. But he's being caged up and he stays in your quarters until we drop off the animals, clear?"

Leela nods and I turn to Bender, just catching him looking at me with a worshipful expression, "You still have that Phlebotinum cage?"

"One flea-bow-tie-numb cage, coming up," Bender replies, taking the cage out of his chest cabinet, still haven't figured out how Mom built a quantum-dimensional pocket into her bending units, conveniently it had a quantum padlock on the front.

"You have the key, right?" I asked for Leela's sake, otherwise it would take a shot from a Bismarck to break that cage open, which would defeat the point as Nibbler would be obliterated too.

"Sure I do," he then reached back into his cabinet and drew out a suspiciously familiar keyring, "Here you go."


"Something wrong, Hermes?"

The Jamaican bureaucrat looked up at Amy from where he was searching behind the break room couch, "just looking for my keys, Amy. Actually have you seen them?"

"No but... my wallet's gone!"


The one mammal plague was stuffed unceremoniously into the cage and locked in, Leela then took the cage to her cabin.

I ran onto the bridge and ran up both the flight programme to get us out of here and the security vid to ensure Nibbler didn't escape.

The ship shook ominously.

I looked round wildly, holding tightly to my seat (one of the only things securely bolted down on the bridge) when Leela and Bender ran in, the latter looking like he'd fallen down the side of a quarry.

"The Planet's kerploding!" Bender screamed.

Yup, just like a little girl.

"Hang on, I'm going to boost us out of here!" Leela declared, but the engine cranked once and sputtered out, "we're out of fuel? Bender I told you to fill up before we left!"

"Ah, I'll do it when we get back," bender dismissed.

Between that plague monster and Bender I'm having a hard time keeping my temper under a lid.

When we get back he's getting a liquid nitrogen bath... or maybe I should switch out his testosteroil for fembot lubricants and change the labels.

Oooh, I bet Amy and Ari would be up for that.

'Wait, Ari?' I thought, since when did I have a pet name for... oh god, I'm crushing on her!

Mind you, she's cute with a great butt and lovely sweater pu...

"Why don't you just call Brannigan for help?"

"Yeah why not, we are here on orders from his boss," I added.

"No Way, Forget It!" Leela refused firmly, "I'm not crawling back to him."

"Wait, what?" I blinked.

She didn't. She couldn't. This isn't baseline anymore?

But she was gone for about eight...

Jesus Titty-Fucking Christ!

"What, it's not like you slept with him?" Bender said, offhandedly.

Leela wouldn't look either of us in the eye.

"Oh. Your. God!" Bender gasped.

"What the Hell Were You Thinking!" I shouted at her, "OF ALL THE DOUCHEBAGS IN THE GODDAMNED GALAXY..."

"Fry, don't you think I feel bad enough?" Leela retorted.

"No," I told her frankly, "For All Your Talk Of Standards, You Sleep With Brannigan."

"He's got a point," Bender chipped in, "by the way, the planet's still collapsing."

"Alright, I'll call him," Leela agrees as the ship starts to tilt after the latest rumble.

I tune the conversation out, instead deciding to watch the cracks growing around the ship.

"Wow! What a way to tell him to stuff it!" Bender applauded.

"What's plan B?" I asked.

"I guess we just sit here and wait for death?" Leela said uncertainly.

"Can do," Bender then sat back, put his feet up and lit a cigar.

Once again I resisted the urge to belt him when there was a loud bang and the ship lurched to the rear, coming to rest unsteadily at a seventeen degree elevation.

"What was that?" Bender asked.

"A huge weight just appeared in the captain's cabin," I reported on checking my console.

Five minutes later and we are in Leela's cabin, looking at a smelly black blob the size of a cricket ball in the litter tray next to Nibbler's cage.

"What stinks?" I asked as I followed the others in.

"I don't believe it, it's Dark Matter," Leela gasped.

"You mean this thing just unloaded a steaming pile of starship fuel?"

"A five ton lump of coal," I told him, slapping his shoulder, "and you get to load it into the engine."

"Dot It!" Leela orders, then runs for the cockpit.

Bender grumbles and puts a plastic bag on his hand, he tries and fails to lift it off the floor but eventually he semi-drags it into the engine room and we load it into the engine.

Seconds later I'm thrown into the wall as the engines ignite and the ship lifts off.

"We made it!" Leela announces over the tannoy, "and we completed our mission."

"So a few animals didn't die and Leela got lucky," Bender sums up, "That's what I call a successful mission."

I nod along for a moment as the adrenaline fades away.

I'm definitely getting Amy and Ari'el to help me prank him later.