Chapter 6:

We had just got back and were waiting for the professor and Hermes to arrive.

"Admit it. You all think robots are machines built by humans to make their lives easier," Bender accused.

"Eeyup," I replied, I was trying to appear as though I was reading The Hobbit, but I was really watching Ari'el, who is rummaging around in the floor level cupboards, she's wearing lycra shorts and a tight shirt that does nothing to hide her somewhat overburdened sports bra.

I'm starting to wonder if she could swap clothes with Miranda Lawson without needing them modified.

Bender gasped, "Fry, how could you?"

"I was born at a time when robots weren't sentient," I reminded him, trying not to show my displeasure at being distracted from my new favourite sport, vixen watching, "and even today, not all robots are sentient. Back then robots were used to ease production and improve quality control, it was nearly a century before AI were invented and a little thing called ethics got in the way."

"Well I don't make anyone's life easier and you know it," Bender retorted.

'Yah sure don't,' I thought as he took a drag on his cigar.

"God news everyone," Farnsworth announced as he entered with a badly bandaged Hermes, "you'll be delivering a package to Capek-9, a planet where Humans are killed on sight."

"How's that good news?" I argued, "wait, Capek? as in..."

"Yes, the Martian Mad Scientist that experimented on robots and Humans sparking the Cyborg Revolt of 2189," Farnsworth told us, "he founded a small colony there so he and his supporters could escape, but the robots found him in 2203, Massacred them all and have ruled there since, still clinging to their radical beliefs."

"Oh so just 'cause a robot wants to kill humans that makes him a radical?" Bender demanded.

"If not Military? Yes!" I snapped at him, "little thing called the Sentient Rights Act? You know, the same thing that makes you a person not property?"

Bender froze and eyed the glares coming at him from all directions, by the looks of it he's wondering if he's actually pushing his luck for once.

"Now hold on a minute," Leela says, holding her hand up, Bender sweat drops as the attention is drawn off him, "I can understand their feelings about Humans..."

"Really?" Amy asks from atop her party board.

"Twentieth Century History was written in Blood," I reminded her.

"But what are their feelings on Humanoid aliens?" Leela finished.

"They're not fans," Hermes answered.

"Splicers?" I asked.

Technically I'm no longer Human but a hybrid.

"Depends on how much Human and how stable your DNA is," Hermes replied.

"Keep my passport on me," I deduced, "got it."

"Which is why Bender will have to make the actual delivery," Farnsworth concluded.

"Oh I get it, make the robot do all the work!" Bender complained.

"When was the last time you did any work?" Ari'el demanded, crossing her arms, which did interesting things to her...

"Well I'm not doing it," Bender said, "it's a robot holiday."

"Really?" I asked with a hint of sarcasm, "which one?"

"Robonukah!" Bender replied, "Only the Holiest two weeks in the robot calendar."

"Oh come on," I moaned.

"Bender, last month it was Robomadan," Leela countered, "and the month before Robonzaa."

"Ok, that was a blast," I admitted.

As in, Saint Patricks piss up in the Saint James' Gate Brewery grade Blast!

"It wasn't just a blast," Bender corrected, "it was a sacred tribute to my primitive ancestral prototypes that happened to take the form of a drinking contest."

"Look Bender, I respect your diversity as much as the next man," Hermes started, with a sense of laying down the Law, "but you used up all your time off with that bout of Roberculosis two months back."

"Fine, I'll do it. But so help me, I'll hold a grudge against every last one of you for the rest of your lives," Bender declared.

"Methinks the Lady Nemesis would be displeased to hear of your misbehaviour," I said smoothly, grinning viciously as Bender curled in on himself in fear.


"So, this planet is uninhabited?" I asked Bender, knowing it'll grate his hard drive.

"No, it's inhabited by robots," Bender replied testily.

"So like a warehouse is inhabited by boxes," I said, enjoying the way he ground his face plate, "gotcha!"


An hour later we're over Capek-9.

"Ok Bender we're here," Leela announces as she parks at five hundred feet.

"I'll ready the winch," I told her and got up to head for the cargo hold, Bender follows a few minutes later grumbling a few lines from 'Ol Man River.

Five minutes later we're all around the cargo hatch, fortunately the winch isn't fitted with the magnet this time.

"We can't land on the surface because those robots will kill Fry and Me," Leela said, "So you'll be lowered down on the winch and we'll hoist you up when the delivery is over."

"And remember: You don't know Humans, You don't work for Humans and above all, You don't like Humans!" I told him.

"I'll try to keep that in mind," Bender groused, he then stepped onto the winch and I lowered him down.

"He seems pretty angry," Leela observed.

"Aren't we when we get sent on these high risk missions?" I countered.

"Maybe we should do something nice for him..."

An hour later I'm putting the finishing touches to the bridge after Leela found a box of Robonukah decorations in the broom cupboard.

"There, that ought to show that stupid robot we care about him," Leela said as she finished lighting the candles.

The video-phone lit up as she finished speaking.

"That must be him now," she said and went to accept the call.

"Guys! I'm in trouble. they found out I work with humans and - oh no, oh no!" Bender gets dragged away from the screen and into the darkness.

"Oh God!" I swore, "We've got to rescue him!"

"We can't, they'll kill us on sight!" Leela protested.

"Not if we're disguised as robots!" I pointed out.

Though i'm not even sure they will kill us, we aren't exactly Human.

Also, I brought my passport so I can plead my case


Ten minutes later, we're on the surface, Leela is dressed in boxes, metal flexi-tubes and other things while I'm wearing the ship's only suit of Power Armour.

Given the fact it's a 2177 model T-45b... yeah, I walk like a robot and need to change out power cells every hour or so. Hubert said he kept it because it was a fascinating tech sample from the time when Humanity transitioned (however unwillingly) from petroleum to fusion energy. Highly advanced concept but the actual technology was lacking.

Fun fact, it originally used miniature Fusion reactors called Fusion Cores, now the batteries are advanced enough to fit in the same socket with the same output. A lot cheaper too.

"If we're gonna save Bender, we need to look and act exactly like robots," Leela told me.

I activated the LED that would play across my visor and the voice modulator, "By Your Command!"

Leela rolled her eyes, "We have to walk like robots, talk like robots and if necessary solve complex differential equations like robots."

I scoffed, "what am I gonna do? Dance the robot? I can't exactly walk like a human here?"

Leela offered an apologetic smile and stepped onto the winch.


As we approach the gate, I look at the reflection of the colander Leela is wearing for a helmet, "Man, you look stupid. You should've gotten a store bought costume."

"There isn't a Woolworths in this sector," Leela said, sadly.

"Halt!" we stopped and looked up to see two large guards, "Be you robot or human?"

"Who you calling Human, Bolt-Bucket!" Leela face palmed as I responded in the 'Surgeon-General' voice.

"Robot...we be." Leela:

The guard didn't seem to buy it, "Administer the test," he ordered his companion

The second guard strode up to us, "Which of the following would you most prefer? A: A puppy? B: A pretty flower from your sweetie or C: A large properly formatted data file?"

"Choose!" the first guard ordered.

"Is the puppy mechanical in any way?" I asked after consulting with Leela.

"No. It is the bad kind of puppy." the second guard replied.

"But I always wanted a cyber-dog," I whined pitifully.

"Then we'll go with that data file," Leela says quickly.

"Correct," the second guard stated.

"The flower would also have been acceptable," the first guard added.

"You may pass." The two guards then fold up and move back to the gate pillars.

Leela looks at me and I shrug my shoulders.

Inside we find the streets to be abandoned.

"Now if you see any robots, stay out of their way," I roll my eyes but then a clock over my head buzzes.

The doors on each side of the road open and robots swarm out, I give Leela a flat look just before the robots enter the intersection and I just catch a sheepish look before the crowd fills my vision.

I'm buffeted from side to side, once or twice I hear Leela complaining as she is dragged past by the traffic, then the alarm sounds again and everybot disappears.

"So far so god!" Leela shouts, I look over my shoulder to find she'd been swept halfway back the way we came while I remained in the intersection.


I've no idea what just happened but we had to duck into a cinema to dodge the cops.

I'm standing because the seats won't take my weight.

The movie is a spoof of old fifties sci-fi horror flicks, specifically two teens in a open top muscle car on a 'Make Out' ridge, listening to music.

The radio issues a warning of a non-metallic lifeform in the area.

"Hey Wendy, you chassis looks a little scuffed. Mind if I polish it for you?" the boy asked, he looked like a stereotypical all American jock.

"Did you hear that Rusty?" the girl said, huddling to the boy at a sound from the bushes, she seemed to be the pretty but naïve home town girl type, "it sounded like a Human?"

"Nah, don't worry about it, Wendy," 'Rusty' said dismissively, "Humans would never come to our defenceless little town."

There was a roar and a robot dressed as a human rose out of the bushes, ripped off 'Rusty's' head and ate it.

"Ooooooooooo," the audience cooed.

"Wow, the 3-D's great!" I praised.

"Mine's not working," Leela complained, I looked over to see her shifting the lenses over her eye one at a time, I bite down a snigger and turn back to the film.

The 'Human' continues on it's rampage for several minutes before a large piece of shrapnel buries itself in its back.

Wendy and the 'General' roll up, "funny isn't it?" the 'General' muses, "the Human was immune to our most powerful electromagnetic fields but was felled by a harmless flying rock."

"Thank the Omnissiah it's over," Wendy gasped.

"It'll never be over, Wendy," the General retorted, "It'll never be over Wendy. Even now humans are lurking in our playgrounds, our breezeways, perhaps even...our movie theatres!"

The audience gasped as the General pointed to them.

"Omnissiah Preserve Us!" I whispered.

Hey, I'm getting into this.


Once outside, I met up with Leela and we started back into town.

"What did you think of the movie?" a robot asked me.

"Too much romance, not enough violence," I replied automatically.

"Yeah, it was a real chick flick," the robot scoffed.

A loud fanfare sounded over the city.

"What's that?" I asked.

"What dya mean what's that? It's time for the daily Human hunt.

A few minutes later we're in a crowd in front of a podium, torches and pitchforks seem common accessories.

I tune out the gossiping revellers as a blocky robot with a sash saying 'Mayor' rolls out.

"Welcome to a very special human hunt," the Mayor greeted, "We have with us today a guest who's irrational hatred of humans makes me look like a human sympathiser!" The crowd gave a laugh, "newly arrived refugee from Earth, lets hear it for - Bender!"

I smiled inside my helmet as the familiar robot came out.

"Death to Humans!" He shouted, the crowd erupts.

I turn to Leela to see her giving me a flat look.

"It's Monday," I said with a shrug.


After about half an hour of spiel about how he hates Humans, the Hunt began, twenty minutes later he snuck to an old pornography shop.

That's one thing I like about the Future, doesn't matter if you're Human, Omicronian, Amoeba or Robot, Men are still Men and getting a bollocking for our dirty minds.

To say Bender looked like a prototype caught looking at his hot cousin's spare circuit housings was an understatement.

"Huh?" he jumps and hides a dirty book behind him, "what are you guys doing here?"

"Rescuing you," Leela replied.

"Yeah, last we saw you'd been outed as contaminated by Humans," I added, taking off my helmet.

"I was. But they let me go when I told them that I'd killed a million billion humans," Bender said, dropping the book.

"Right," I rolled my eyes as we both knew he'd have been blasted to scrap after about five thousand if he'd tried, "time to go."

"What, back to the ship?" Bender asked, "no way!"

"We're here to rescue you," Leela repeated, crossing her arms under her chest.

Not as impressive as when Ari did it.

"I'm staying," Bender declared, "I love this planet. I've got wealth, fame and access to sleaze that those things bring."

"Bender, we're your friends," I protested.

"Friends? Hah!" Bender scoffed, crossing his arms and posturing like Mussolini, "that activates my Hilarity Unit. I'm no more friends to you than a toaster, a phonograph or the electric chair!"

My whole body hardened as I stared into his ocular receptors, "I came back for you."

Like I'd flicked a switch he went from confident to uncertain.

"Would I have done that for a mere toaster?" I asked.

Bender was saved from answering by the Mayor bursting in, "Good News! Your album just went Gold... What on Capek?"

Bender looked uneasily between us the slid between myself and Leela, grabbing our arms, "Er... Got You... murderous piles o..." Crunch "EEEEEEEE..."

Bender collapsed as I withdrew my knee from his crotch, a glance over my shoulder showed not only the other robots but Leela clutching their groins in sympathetic agony, eyes locked on the distorted mess that was once a MomCorp Type 113 Masculinity Module.

And guess who Bender suckered into signing for it?

"eeeepp!" the Mayor uttered, then tried to act tough, "You... Ahem. You are under arrest!"

"As long as we get to say our piece in court I'll come quietly," I offered.

"OK!" the others said quickly.


The Hall of Justice is pretty snazzy actually, once again I'm standing as they couldn't get me out of my armour and the seats won't support me.

"Your Honour, I intend to demonstrate beyond 0.5% of a doubt that these humans before us are guilty of the crime of being humans," The Mayor declares, addressing the judge and court, opening his case, "Come to think of it, I rest my case!"

"Objection!" we had no legal counsel so we, or rather I, defended us, "The Prosecution is making assumptions without evidence to back it up!"

"I suppose you have evidence?" the Judge, an old Mac, queried.

"My Passport," said document was taken by the Baliff and shown to the judge.

"Turn," the judge instructed, "turn. Turn. Turn. T... oh my."

"Is everything ok?" the Mayor asks.

"The judge jumps slightly, "oh, everything is fine. For now, anyway."

I frowned, my DNA isn't that unstable is it?"

"The male is a Splicer, heavily so," the judge noted, he then gestured for the return of my passport, "now, do you have proof you aren't Human?"

"What? No!" Leela exclaimed, then gestured to her almighty eye, "Humans have two eyes, do I look Human?"

"Beer goggl..." a thunk and curse told me Leela had tried to belt for reminding her of that date.

"Then in absence of evidence to the contrary, I pronounce you Human!" the Judge declared, "Therefore, I will now consider the Evidence."

A loading screen replaces the face, a blue bar crossing the screen, accompanied by the screech of a dial up connection then...

Beep!

The bailiff looks over the edge of the desk, "he's frozen up again."

I face palmed as the crowd shouted suggestions, I know 90's computers were a joke but come on!

"He's back!" I looked up to see the bar finish filling and the judge reappear.

"I have reached a verdict," the judge announced, "The male is innocent of the crime of being Human."

"Phew," I grinned as the courtroom groaned.

"The female is guilty of the crime of being Human!"

"Come On!" Leela groaned, "Look! One. Eye. Count them!"

The male is guilty of associating with Humans!"

"Can't win 'em all," I muttered.

"The Humans are sentenced to live as Robots live on Earth," The judge announced, "making tedious calculations and spot welding automative vehicles until they are obsolete and given away to an inner city university to experiment on."

As my helmet is tossed to me I realise that must be where the judge came from.

Then the bailiff pulls a lever and I'm overcome by weightlessness.

Fortunately I don't land on Leela.

"Ow!" I hear from my left, I look over to see Leela rubbing her rump.

I hear something to my right and see several tall robots in robes, Leela sees them too "Who are you?"

"Silence, we are the Robot Elders," the blue one says loudly.

"You don't look old?" I pointed out, hell these guys are in better nick than even Mom's poster robots.

"Thank you, we look after ourselves," the blue one said cheerfully.. then he froze.

I did too as a cracking sound started under me, I looked down as it got louder to find a spider's web of cracks growing rapidly.

I looked up in time to see the others take big steps away from me. I quickly put my helmet on.

"I hate my life," I muttered as the floor gave way.


I'm pushed through the door and it closes with a loud BANG.

I walk over to Leela to find Bender has joined us and they've apparently moved to another room, seeing as there is a distinct lack of a hole in the floor.

"Sorry about that," I apologised.

"Don't worry, just take your place and we can begin," the green one said.

I stood next to Leela.

"Now, as we were saying," the Blue one said.

"We are the Robot Elders," the red one announced... again.

"And we are here to pronounce judgement," the lime one said..

Wait, isn't there already a green one?

"But we were just sentenced," Leela protested.

"Silence. That was a sham for the people," the red one said.

"Silence. We are the true rulers of this planet, hand carved from meteorites by the Robot Founders, over four centuries ago," the blue one said.

"Silence. Step forward Bender, you shall have the Honour of killing these Humans," the green one said.

"Silence. I concur," the lime one said.

"Here, use the ceremonial killamajig," the blue one handed Bender something that resembled a blunt mace, then ports opened and the contents of a suicide booth shot out.

I cracked my knuckles, planted my feet and rolled my shoulders as Leela scampered behind me.

"Come and have a go if you think you're Hard enough?!" I dared them.


I make it to the winch just behind Leela, a limping Bender following shortly after.

It says something about how much damage I did as I can't exactly run in this thing.

Bender climbs on and Leela hits the switch, the winch groans ominously but begins to rise, I lean out to see the robots congregating below.

"So long, suckers!" I shout, then face palm as I see the robots forming a robot ladder, "Me and my big mouth."

"Wait a sec, I forgot to deliver the package," Bender opens his chest cavity and pulls out the box, dropping it on the top robot.

The ladder overbalances and falls, the box splitting open on the way down showering the robots in small shiny things.

I barely notice the shouting turn from angry to joyous as I hop off the winch and head to a corner to power down and get out of this armour.

I return to the bridge just as we clear orbit and Leela sets the autopilot.

"Aaah, you did all this for me?" Bender asks on seeing the decorations, then lowers his voice, "You do know I made Robanukah up to get out of work right?"

"Actually, it's real," I laughed at his face, "but not many celebrate it on Earth, Luna yes, but not Earth.

"But that doesn't make it any less meaningful!" Leela said.

"In that case - let the dancing begin!" Bender shouted and we all broke into our robot dances, Bender stopped to admire our performance, "Hey you guys are good. How the hell do you do that?"


The next morning I wake up to my tongue feeling like it's a shag pile rug, I sit up and look around to see Leela draped over her chair.

Said cyclops groans and falls to the floor, as she gets up, an oil can, plus label, is stuck to her face.

"Fry?" she groans, the can falls off leaving the label on her face.

I fish into my jacket for a pack of disposable hyposprays containing the Alliance's best selling pharmaceutical, Hangover-Be-Gone.

I pull one out and inject myself as the oil can hits my foot, I toss the other to Leela as I dump mine in the bin, I lean down to pick up the can as my mind clears, one look at the label has me grinning like a loon.

"What's got you so happy? Looking to see cuddlefox when we get back?"

I resisted the urge to toss the can at her, since the jaunt through time everyone had been teasing me over how Ari'el would instant-cuddle me whenever something happened, not that I was complaining about getting attention from a very cute and curvy female.

"Fry, what's this?" I looked over to see here holding a label for Testosteroil, I held up the can of Oiltrogen.

"I think Amy and Ari just pranked Bender," I grinned mischievously.

"Fry, with how much he consumed last night it'll take weeks to get out of his system," Leela then cocked her head in thought.

"Unless he gets an emergency transfusion in the next hour or so," I pointed out, "However, I for one think he deserves a little discomfort for his recent transgressions."

We were interrupted by the sound of a robot christening the Throne.

"Ok, help me hide the cans until we can dump them in the asteroid belt," Leela said quickly.

I smiled as we quickly tidied up. Bender was in for a rough couple of weeks alright.