Part 51

It's almost dusk, and stillness has fallen over them at last. If he needed any further confirmation that leaving for Vermont was a good idea, it was this. Obviously, the battle was far from over, but for the first time days, in fact weeks, he feels calm and confident in his decisions. Apart from marriage, Liv was his now, in every sense of the word- he knew it, their families knew it, and after the press coverage it seemed like the whole world knew it too. And as intrusive as that may be, it also meant no more hiding; he could finally love her openly and freely- and he didn't give a damn whether or not others approved. As long as they were safe that was all that mattered, which of course having Huck around gave them a sense of security that they did not have before.

Thankfully, his mother was bringing the kids down on the weekend, which meant he and Liv have some much needed time alone, to get settled in, talk, console and comfort, or just simply be. As much as Liv tries to put a brave face on it, he can see that she is still very fragile; the attack has taken a huge toll on her. Although physically she has begun to heal- the bruising under her left eye is starting to look a little less angry, the lump on the back of her head has diminished quite considerably in size, and her ribs are a lot less sore and painful when she moves- she still has to stay cautious, and remain in bed at all times. Unfortunately for her, he can tell that she's finding it difficult, because it is not in her nature to sit around and do nothing, and it certainly doesn't help that she is itching to explore her new surroundings; to become familiar with the grounds of their new home. He will never forget the expression on her face when they pulled up onto their drive earlier today, completely overwhelmed and in awe. She had turned and whispered to him, "it's perfect", and his heart had swelled with pride and joy, for he had picked it out especially with her in mind, wanting it to be just that- PERFECT. After all they had sacrificed to get to here, they deserved the very best. To live in this beautiful house, and live in Vermont, a state where the anti-miscegenation law did not exist- he was certain that they could finally find peace here, as well as acceptance for their love, regardless of their race or skin colour.

All he ever wanted to do was love her and make her happy, and in his eyes moving here is the start of that. But he's not naïve, for he knows Liv will never be truly content until her fears for their own family have dissipated. For a part of her still worries that she may never hold, or play, or nurse the tiny babe she carries, in fact, she worries incessantly that even with bed rest there is no certainty that she will see this pregnancy through to the end. And then in addition to that, she's scared that Fitz's children, whom have just lost their mother, will not be able to accept her into their lives. In a way, Fitz wishes his children were already here, at least that way she can see for herself that she has nothing to worry about. However their baby, and his children are only a portion of her concern, as the fate of her father, his father and Mellie still hang over them both. If he can find a way to shelter Liv from the court proceedings, he will, because he doesn't want her to go through any more undue stress; god knows she has been through enough already. Hopefully, with a little help from Quinn and Abby, they can find a way around Liv having to testify. Although, knowing her, she will probably want to do the complete opposite, but Fitz fully intends to put his foot down on the matter, because in his opinion all that Liv needs to is concentrate on is her health, and their baby; nothing more.

He can handle the rest.

Xxx

Right now, snuggled up beside him, she cannot deny the safety and comfort that she feels from being in his arms, but sadly, she also knows what lies in store is huge, and so she fears that this reprieve will only be short lived. But Fitz was right, coming to Vermont has helped a lot. For one, he has completely outdone himself with the house, for it is simply beautiful, it's the sort of house she can picture herself raising a family in- with him. But above all, moving out here has given them some necessary head space; being away from the constant judgement and discrimination that they faced in Washington DC, allows them more time and energy to focus on the far more pressing matters, such as the trial, and keeping the rest of their family safe. Fitz hasn't said it yet, but she can tell that he wants her to stay out of all police maters. He's trying his best to protect her, which she understands and loves him for, but why can't he see that there's no easy way out for her, because she's just as much involved as he is? And it's not like keeping her out of the loop will stop her from worrying, because she does that regardless- she worries about what they will do if Jerry and Mellie get off? Or what will happen if her Dad doesn't get off? And what if someone else tries to hurt them? And then she worries about the effect that all this stress is having on her baby. To think, that she could have lost her baby, at the hands of those men, it still makes her feel sick to her stomach- and admittedly she blames herself- so to lose this baby now, because she is unable to rest and keep the stress at bay, it would simply destroy her. So for now, she follows the doctor's orders to stay in bed, and lets Fitz wait on her hand and foot, as she tries her best to not get too overwhelmed by it all.

But it's so very hard.

The problem is that by her doing nothing and lying in bed all day, it doesn't really afford her the distraction she needs from what is presently going on around her. Therefore, her mind is constantly on the go, agonising about what the future holds for them. In fact, the only time her mind is at rest is in sleep… and even then she is haunted by nightmares, or worse, flashbacks of the attack. She hasn't really let on to Fitz about how bad they've been; although she knows she should, but she is reluctant to burden him with anything else. However, despite her wanting to protect him, she doesn't think she can keep it to herself for much longer either; in fact, she is starting to think that maybe she does need to speak to a professional about it; a shrink perhaps, or a councillor… NOW had many links to services such these, including victim's support- so she plans to ask Quinn about their availability the next time they speak. But until then; considering that the dreams appear to be getting progressively worse, and that they are now waking her up in the middle of the night, she knows that it won't be long before Fitz figures it out for himself, so she decides to come clean and confine in him instead.

As if on cue, he leans down and kisses her on her head. "You okay baby?"

"Just thinking…" she admits.

"About…?"

"Tonight…"

He looks at her slightly puzzled, unsure of where she is going with this… "What about tonight?"

"I was just wondering if we will be sleeping in the same bed?" That hadn't quite come out like she intended it to, but just as she's about to explain herself, it seems as though Fitz has come to his own conclusions, and he quickly interjects, wanting to be supportive, although trying to mask his own disappointment. "It's okay Liv, I know you've been through a lot, so if you need some space to yourself then I'm happy to sleep in the spare room…"

"No it's not that… I want you here beside me", she immediately assures him… "You've got the wrong end of the stick; the last thing I want is to be alone, it's just that… I haven't been sleeping properly…" This is news to him, so he looks at her intently, silently imploring her go on, which she takes courage from, to tell him everything… "The thing is, I've been having these dreams; nightmares to be more precise, about him…" He grimaces, squeezing her hand in his. It angers him, when will his reign of terror end? If only he could find a way to rid that moster from her memory for good. He takes a deep breath to compose himself, there's something he wants to ask, but he's scared to, but equally he has to know… "Do you dream about what he did that night, or is it something else?"

She cast her eyes downwards; feeling awkward and ashamed… "I dream of what he did to me…" she revels hesitantly… "Sometimes it comes to me all blurred and in bits and pieces… then at other times the memories rush back all at once, only it doesn't end there… after he is shot by my father… he carries on, hurting me… only now, his face is covered in blood… and it's so vivid, so real; it causes me to scream out in horror, and then in pain, as I beg for him to stop… and then I wake up."

This revelation disturbs him greatly; although it comes as no surprise that she is still struggling to come to terms with her attack… he had no idea that her grief had manifested in this way… He shakes his head, "My god Liv, when you said that he haunted your dreams, I didn't know that you meant it literally, how long has this been going on?"

"Ever since Ballard broke into my room…" she confesses, "I should have told you sooner but…"

"Yes, you should have, but I can take a wild guess as to why you did not…"

"I hoped it would pass, but it hasn't- and now that we will be sharing the same bed, I thought it was best that you to know, just in case I wake you up screaming, or thrashing around… the last thing I want to do is scare you…"

In response, instinctively, he gently pulls her body closer to his, encasing her in his arms… "Oh my sweet baby," he whispers softly, "I don't want you to ever feel like you can't tell me something, even if you think it will hurt, or make me worry… I love you, and I will always be here for you, no matter how hard or difficult it may be… And I know I might not be able to stop the nightmares from coming, but I can promise that I'll be there to wake you up, every time they come along to haunt you. And when you open your eyes, I will be there to soothe and assure you that you're no longer there with him, but that you're here with me instead, wrapped up in the safety of my arms as I hold you to me close."

A lone tear escapes her… "As close as you are holding me now?"

He tilts her chin up and gives her a tearful smile, but with so much love weighing in his eyes that she can't stop another tear from falling; which this time he sweeps away with a pad of his thump. "Closer."

Too chocked up to speak, she mouths to him... "I love you." For the depths of his love seems to devour her whole, and render her speachless.

"I love you more." He whispers back, before planting a tender kiss upon her lips.

"Go on… close your eyes my love; get some rest, for you are safe now… I will not leave your side, I promise, I will stay right here beside you."