Author's Notes:

This chapter is pretty much CullenxErelan(OC)

Not interested? well you won't miss much, skip to the next one!

If you are reading this, I hope you like it!

I did put the conversation with cullen and inquisitor about his lyrium and changed it up a bit.

The Commander and the apostate

It has been four days since Lavellan and three of her party had left Skyhold to deal with missing soldiers in Fallow Mire. From what she had heard, the place is not exactly what people would call safe. Thunder, lighting and rain is constant. The area is plague with disease. Vivienne, Sera, and Dorian was out of the picture from the moment they heard about it. Bull was more than happy to join, Solas was already on board since he worries for her safety. Varric, well Lavellan had to bribe him and since he was running out of ideas for his book he went along with them. Cassandra is busy with locating the rest of the Seekers and locked herself up in a room. Blackwall is busy with something else. As for Cole, he is being himself kind of. Popping out here and there helping people forget or feeding animals, something random each day.

Erelan stretched out in the courtyard, looking at the bright sky. Skyhold has really changed over the centuries. She remembered it as a place where She and Fen'harel talked about almost everything. Out of all the Evanuris, it was always them two, spending whatever time they can get from their busy lives. She smiled to herself, remembering all the memories they had; happy. Now; Fen has someone by his side. Someone he loves. A person he has given his heart to. She hopes Lavellan's love will be enough to stop his plans, but she feels a slight guilt knowing it would mean betraying their own people. She shook her head from the thought, and proceeded to walk towards the infirmary, to aid with the injured.


Cullen slammed his fist on his desk, two of the soldiers yelped in surprise, whatever report they brought to his attention was not good news. He slumped on his chair, and rubbed his head. He stared at the paper infront of him, debating what to do.

"Are there any more of these reports?" He asked the soldiers.

"No Commander." One of them replied.

"Write to the lieutenant, and tell him to keep investigating. Keep me updated." He ordered, he waved his hand for them to leave. They saluted and walked out the door.

He pulled out his drawer and took out a box. He opened it and look at the contents inside. His lyrium kit. He has stopped taking it since the day he joined the Inquisition. It has been months, but the price of not taking it is…excruciating. Nightmares plagued his dreams now, almost every day. Most nights he doesn't sleep anymore, afraid of whatever nightmare will haunt his mind. His mood swings aren't exactly helping either. He lashed out on a new recruit before, just because the recruit failed to use his shield. Disappointed, angry and feeling helpless he threw the box at the front door, just as Erelan dodged it in time, with a tray of liquids on her hand.

"Maker's Breath!" He exclaimed, surprised to see her. "Lady Erelan, I didn't see you…I was just…" He couldn't continue as he felt dizzy and had to support himself with the desk.

"Well…remind me not to get you angry." She joked, as she gracefully walked towards him, setting down the tray on the table.

Cullen looked at her, it has been a while since they last saw eachother. Ever since they arrived in Skyhold, there was no time to actually spend time or talk. She was busy in the infirmary along with the other healers. He was busy with training new recruits, preparing guard duties, reading all the reports sent from the Inquisition camps everywhere. The time he wasn't busy, she had been asked to accompany Lavellan and the party for a week in Crestwood and Storm Coast. He remembered it was the longest week of his life. By the time she was back, he had other matters to attend to, meetings in the war room, reports to be read, more recruits to train. She kept herself busy by hanging out with Sera, and Lavellan. He had noticed she has been walking and talking closely with Solas. He felt a slight jealousy arise within him. He shouldn't be jealous, Solas is like her; an apostate, it's obvious they would find comfort with each other. The thought of her and Solas being together, made his head boil with anger. Erelan noticing his distress, walked closely towards him and softly cupped his face, making him look at her in the eyes.

"Erelan…" He whispered.

"Are you alright?" She asked, feeling his forehead and face. "You look…pale." She said, worried look showing.

"I'm…I'm fine." He replied weakly, trying to hide his pain.

"Cullen…I know your lying. Come. Sit." She leads him to his chair, and he obliged. "Here. Drink this. It'll help. It's herbal tea." She offered the drink she brought to his lips and without a word he took sips of it.

"Thank you." He whispered. She set the mug down, and kneeled infront of him.

"Tell me, what's bothering you." She asked, putting a hand on his face. He closed his eyes, enjoying the warmth that emitted from her. He took her hand and held it there.

"Remember…I told you about Templars taking lyrium?" She nodded. "When I left the order I stopped taking it. I never meant for this to interfere."

"Before you explain…when did you stopped taking lyrium?" She asked.

"When I joined the inquisition." He replied.

"That long?!" Shock overcame her voice. "But…that night when…I hit you with my magic…?" She looked at him confuse.

"The effects of it doesn't just leave you in an instant. I still had some of it in my system at that time…but as I go on without it…then…" He trailed off.

"Then…what? What happens to you?" She urged him to finish.

"I will go through withdrawals, others who had stopped taking it went mad…or die. As for me…what happened in my past…now haunts me in my dreams." He admitted. Silence filled the room for a moment.

"Cullen…what…happened in your past?" She asked, hesitant, afraid of his answer.

"Forgive me…I…don't feel comfortable talking about it…right now." He replied, head low.

"Then…when you are ready, you can talk to me about it." She replied, understanding. "I…may be able to help you with your nightmares…with your…permission of course." She offered.

"What do you mean?" He asked, looking at her, confused.

"What…do you know of The Fade?" She asked, looking at him intently.

"I know it as something we dream of." He replied.

"I…being a mage, I can tap into someone's dream and can pull them out of their dream." She said.

"You mean, you will…go inside my dream and take me away?" He asked.

"Yes. But…seeing you're an ex-templar…it may be hard…since it requires…a bit of magic, and to be honest I've never done it with a templar."

"So…you've done this before?" He looked at her confused.

"Yes…I've done it multiple times…"

'I am the Goddess of Dreams, or that's what the elves call me.'

"I... don't know. Tempting as it sounds…I'm not sure how I feel about it…for now. Not because you're a mage…but it seems foreign to me."

"Don't worry, take the time you need. I won't pressure you." She replied, giving him a reassuring smile.

"I will think about it. Thank you." He said, smiling back at her.

"I should…go." She said.

She stood up from her spot and turned around to leave. As she took her first step, Cullen abruptly wrapped his arms around her waist, and pulled her toward him. He held her tight, his face nuzzling on her shoulder.

"Stay…please…just a little longer." He whispered.

Unable to speak, she nodded in agreement and for what felt like eternity they stayed that way. He took a deep breath, inhaling her scent. She smelled like the herbs and poultices from the infirmary, but also the smell of crystal grace, her scent. He always felt calm and safe when he is with her. She has the natural ability of making him feel like…himself. Without her, he feels lost, and on edge, the withdrawals from the lyrium takes a toll on him. Erelan breathed heavily. Her heart pounding almost out of her chest. Her mind racing, trying to calm her nerves, and arguing for her to leave.

'Do not give in!'

'But I…'

'No! leave before this gets out of hand!'

'I hate to see him suffer.'

'You know well he will suffer more if you give in!'

'I love…him'

'No! Don't do it! It will just cause pain for you! And him!'

'What if…it doesn't…'

'Listen to your own conscience.'

A knock and door opening broke the trance she and Cullen are in. A Soldier holding papers came in.

"Commander I-" He stopped on his tracks seeing Cullen and Erelan together. "I should-"

"No." Erelan cut him off. "I was about to leave. Commander." She pulled away from his grasp, and nodded slightly as she swiftly walked out the door.

Cullen looked on until she vanished from his sight. He sighed, and glared at the soldier, as he snatched the paper and pointed at the door for him to leave. The poor, scared soldier saluted and left hurriedly closing the door behind him. Cullen sat on his chair, and threw the papers on his desk, some flying out to the floor. He looked to his right and saw the green cloak that was wrapped around him one morning. Then he remembered the scent it gave away when he smelled it before; crystal grace. It dawned on him; Erelan had put the cloak over him, her cloak. A small smile cracked on his face, as he returned to reading the papers.


Erelan kept herself busy after the event that transpired at Cullen's office/ room. Healing every injured person, she finds, at the cost of draining her mana and herself. The other healer's noticing how pale she has become sent one of the servants to tell Josephine. The clacking sounds of shoes approaching made everyone, except for Erelan to turn and make way. Erelan was concentrating in healing one of the injured she barely noticed Josephine's hand on her shoulder. She jolted in surprise, and looked up and saw a concerned ambassador, looking at her.

"Ambassador Montilyet." She greeted, weakly.

"Lady Erelan. You need to rest." Josephine said, worried.

"I can't, I have to tend to these people." She insisted.

"We have other healers, who are going to tend to them. You need to rest." Josephine argued, insistent.

Erelan sighed, and let Josephine guide her out of the infirmary. There was no point in arguing with the Ambassador. She knew her way around in arguments, she deals with it every single day. Josephine has her hands on her shoulders, supporting her, in case she falls from exhaustion. As they approached Cullen's room, Erelan hesitated to continue. Josephine noticed her discomfort immediately, and pulled her hood over in hopes to cover her face.

"Let's hope this will be enough to shield you." She said, assuring her.

"Thank you…Josie." She replied, smiling weakly.

They started walking together, and Josephine opened the door. Josephine entered first, and then lead Erelan in, using her body to shield her from Cullen's view. Cullen sitting on his desk, watched silently as Josephine nodded in greeting and he in turn. Erelan's hood hid her face well, but Cullen knew who it is. He had heard his soldiers talking about how she exerted herself. He got up from his chair, when Josephine shook her head. Knowing what it meant, he sat quietly at his place, as Josephine and Erelan walked out towards her room. Josephine took her cloak off, and helped her get on her bed.

"Get some rest, I am relieving you of your duties for the week." Josephine said, stern.

"I'll be fine, no need to-"

"No, you will be resting for the week." Josephine cut her off.

"You worry too much." Erelan replied, smiling at her.

"I don't want to have to explain to our Inquisitor about what happened…most especially Sera! I will not hear the end of it!" Josephine said.

"Ah…well…thank you, I will try not to get you in trouble."

"Good. If you need anything, please let me know I will have someone tend to your needs."

"Thank you Josie."

Josephine smiled and left her to rest. Erelan stared at the ceiling for a long while, until sleep took over.


It was already night time by the time she opened her eyes. She lazily sat up on her bed, rubbing her eyes. She looked around and noticed her fireplace, crackling, embers giving out some light in her room. A small sound made her look down to her right; Cullen. His head laying down on his arms, on her bed side. He is mumbling in his sleep, probably having a nightmare. She remembered his confession of not taking lyrium and how dangerous it is for him. As she looked closer, his face started to show distress, his eyes shifting around behind his eyelids. He started to groan in fear, and terror. Unable to see him like this, she softly shook his arms.

"Cullen." She whispered. Nothing. She shook him a little harder. "Cullen wake up." She said loudly. He stirred, but still nothing. His mumbles became louder for her to hear.

"No…you…will not…take me." He said.

"Cullen wake up; you're having a nightmare." She shook him harder this time.

"No! I will not break!" He yelled, eyes still closed, stuck in his dream.

"Cullen! Please! Wake up!" She yelled, now shaking him furiously.

"No!" His eyes shot open, and grabbed her by the neck and pinned her down. Erelan, grabbed his wrists, while gasping for air.

"Cu-ll—en." She breathed out. Her eyes rolling back, unable to breathe.

"Erelan! Oh Maker!"

Cullen pushed himself away from her and stared in horror. Shocked at what he had just done. She sat up, holding her neck and coughing, gasping, and wheezing for air. Cullen leaned on the wall, shaking his head and looking at his hands.

"Forgive me, I…I didn't…oh what have I done!"

"It's alright…Cullen." She replied weakly, still coughing.

"No…no I…I…I almost killed you!" He whispered, sliding down the wall. Feeling defeated.

Erelan; pained to see him so lost, and defeated got up from her bed and walked over to him. He held out his hands telling her to stay away. She ignored, she grabbed his hands, kneeled infront of him and wrapped her arms around him. Cullen didn't protest, instead they stayed that way until he calmed down.

"You asked what happened in my past." He started. She nodded, still holding him. "In Ferelden, the Circle…it was taken over by abominations. The Templars-my friends-were slaughtered." She remained quiet. "I was tortured. They tried to break my mind, and I- How can you be the same person after that?" He continued, voice breaking. "Still, I wanted to serve. They sent me to Kirkwall. I trusted my knight-commander, and for what? Her fear of mages ended in madness." He spat. "Kirkwall's circle fell. Innocent people died in the streets. Can't you see why I want nothing to do with that life?" He asked, haughtily.

"I understand…" There is truth in her response. Witnessing all the people she loved consumed by power and greed. Mythal murdered for not accepting the new order. The veil created to keep the 'Gods' from destroying the world, but in the end Arlathan itself fell and crumbled. Only in history does it remain.

"Don't! You should be questioning what I've done. I thought this would be better- that I would regain some control over my life. But these thoughts won't leave me…how many lives depends on our success? I swore myself to this cause…I will not give less to the inquisition than I did the chantry. I should be taking it!" He punched the wall with his fist. "I should be taking it." He whispered.

Erelan, grabbed his fisted hand and linked their fingers. She cupped his chin to look at her in the eyes.

"Cullen…this doesn't have to be about the inquisition. It should be what you want. Is this what you want?"

He stared into her eyes, and exhaled. "No. But…these memories have always haunted me-if they become worse…if I cannot endure this…if I attack you again…I cannot…bare to think of it." He said, pulling her close to him with one of his arm.

"You can…don't let it control you. Don't give up on yourself." She replied, planting a kiss on his forehead. "Let me help you with your nightmares…just say the word and I will pull you out of it."

He sighed. "All right. As for the offer…give me time to think on it. It's tempting but…I'm not sure still."

"It's all right, I'll be here." She replied, smiling at him.

"Thank you."

They held eachother all through the night, until sleep took over them.


The next morning, a servant knocked on the door, no reply. Confused and afraid, she ran towards Josephine's chambers. In moments, Josephine opened Erelan's door and found the bed empty. She walked inside the room and looked around, then her eyes settled on the corner of the bed. Cullen and Erelan sleeping soundly, fully clothed and bodies intertwined. Sera, and Dorian who heard rumors and commotion from the servants, walked in behind her and saw the two lovers together.

"Well…this is interesting." Dorian whispered, amused.

"Ha! Varric owes me 20 sovereigns!" Sera exclaimed.

"You two made a bet?" Josephine turned around to look at Sera.

"Yep!" She replied, proudly. "Of when these two are bumping bits."

"Well…from the looks of it…"Dorian started, analyzing. "Their clothes are still intact…and it doesn't seem like nothing happened."

"What?!" Sera blurted out.

"Ehem…I normally don't talk about this sort of thing…but I agree. Nothing happened." Josephine added.

"That's no good!" Sera walked over to the two sleeping figures. "HEY!" She yelled.

"Sera!" Josephine hissed.

"No use Ambassador, once she starts, you can't stop her." Dorian said, shaking his head.

"Hey! Ery! Cully! Wake up! I need you two to wake up!" She shook them.

Cullen and Erelan opened their eyes, and looked up at Sera.

"Maker!" "Creators!" They both yelled in unison, sitting up.

"Sera!" Erelan yelled.

"So I need you two to tell Varric, that you two bumped bits with eachother." Sera said.

"Bumped bits?" Cullen asked, half asleep.

"Are you daft? Sex, you two had sex!" Sera replied, annoyed.

Both Cullen and Erelan's eyes went wide.

"What!?" They yelled in unison.

"Apparently she and Varric made a bet on both of you." Dorian cut in.

"Dorian!" Erelan exclaimed. "Josie!"

"Hello, Commander, Lady Erelan." Josephine greeted.

"It's not only them. We made a bet on Solas, and our dear inky, even got Bull involved in'it." Sera confessed.

"Ah…the four love sick people." Dorian mused.

Cullen got up, and helped Erelan to her feet.

"Well, sorry to bust your happiness, but we didn't, and no we are not going to lie for you." Erelan replied.

"Come on, please? I just want to throw it on Varric's face." Sera pleaded.

"No." Erelan replied. Stern

"Ugh…fine…whatever." Sera walked out of the room, grumbling something.

"Well…since…everything seems fine I will return to my desk. Commander, Lady Erelan." Josephine nodded to both of them and left the room as well.

"I can't wait to tell our dear friend Levy about this." Dorian left the room, a wide grin on his face.

Erelan moaned in agony. Cullen tried his best to comfort her.

"I doubt anything bad will happen…from this." He started.

"You don't know them like I do…Cullen. We will not hear the end of this." She replied.

"True…I'm sorry." He said.

"For what? This? I've been through worse than this. I just…fear for your reputation." She confessed.

"Why? Oh, cause I'm the Commander? And you an apostate?"

"Yes, aren't you worried?" She asked.

"No. Should I be?"

"You are the Commander of the Inquisition forces; I am nothing compared to you. Your soldiers, and other people look up to you."

"That worries you?" He laughed. Her heart jumped, it was the first time she heard him laugh whole heartedly. "They can say whatever they like, as long as…it's you by my side." He said, wrapping his arms around her waist.

"Cullen…" She stared at him, her eyes hesitant, confused, and filled with guilt. "Give…me time? please." She asked, looking away.

He pulled himself away from her. She knew her words had hurt him.

"Of course. I await your answer." He said, then walked out of her room.

She watched as he disappeared into his own room, closing the door. She exhaled deeply, and fell on her bed. Her heart beating out of her chest. Cullen had confessed his love, and she in turn, pushed him away.

'Stupid!'

'You did the right thing.'

'Idiot!'

'He will not understand you.'

'Why did you push him?!'

'Don't let your feelings over take you.'

The servant came in with a bucket of water and poured it over her tub. Erelan undressed herself and took a quick bath. After finishing up getting dressed she took the long way around to the infirmary, avoiding Cullen for as long as she can. One of the healers, noticed her and grabbed her arm.

"Ambassador Josephine made sure you do not heal anyone for the week." She leads her out of the room, and closed it.

'Oh…right…I have nothing to do for a week…great.'

She sighed in defeat and walked towards the Garden. She sat on one of the bench and looked at the sky. It was clear today, no clouds lingering. She closed her eyes, letting her mind drift. To her left, she heard a poof sound. She opened her eyes and turned to see Cole, sitting next to her.

"Cole." She greeted.

"You're hurting." He replied. "Old. New. Pain. You feel guilty for him. For the past. Blood. Screams. Fire. Falling. Cold dark-"

"Stop. Please." She interrupted.

"But you called. I came to help the hurt." He said. "I can help you forget."

"Thank you, but I need the hurt." She replied.

"Aching. Wanting. Hot. Happy. Love. Him. Remember." He stared at her. "You want to keep the hurt. It helps you…be you."

"Yes. I know…you're a spirit of compassion. But hurting can sometimes be good. It helps us remember why we are here, and why we fight."

"I will try to understand." He replied. "Glad. Happy. Understand. Cole helped." His eyes went wide, bright with happiness. "I helped you."

"Yes, you did. Thank you." She replied, smiling. As quickly as he appeared, he disappeared.

Staying in the garden was no longer an option, Cole had distracted her. She walked out of the garden and started walking towards the stables. She found her horse, Evune, and caressed her snout. Evune snorted, restless from staying in the stable for too long.

"Oh…I know we haven't gone out…I know your bored, but I promise we will soon." She cooed at her. Evune nodded her head. Erelan grabbed a handful of hay and fed it to her.

"Lady Erelan. It's good to see you." A voice said.

Startled, she turned around and saw Blackwall. "Warden Blackwall. I didn't see you there, forgive me." She nodded.

"Don't worry about it, I was just chopping up woods, and I saw you and thought of greeting you." He replied.

"Chopping up woods? May I ask for what purpose?" She asked, confused.

"I can show you if you'd like." He offered.

"Of course. Please, lead the way."

Blackwall led her to the barn and up the stairs to his loft. On the side walls, he made a shelf, full of carvings he has been making. Bears, deers, horses, figurines of all the races all displayed in their respectable categories.

"Blackwall…these are lovely." She said, looking at one of the horse carvings.

"Thank you." He replied.

"Is this what you do when you don't go on missions?" She asked.

"It helps keeps my hands busy."

"Can…I ask for a favor then?"

"Sure."

"Can…you make a lion?"

"It will take some time, but yes. Is it…for someone special?"

"You would know…wouldn't you? I saw…a figure on Josie's desk once." She teased.

"Alright, alright you made your point." He muttered.

"Send it to my room when you're finished with it. And Thank you."

"No problem."

Erelan walked out the barn, and entered the throne room. She turned towards the rotunda and opened the door. It felt weird going in, the room is empty, without Solas at his usual spot. She turned left, and up the stairs towards Dorian's little space and started reading a book; The Malefica Imperio. She got lucky; Dorian is not at his usual spot, probably off talking with Vivienne or doing something else. She remembered Dorian complained about it, but her curiosity got to her. If he found her reading this book, she will not hear the end of it. She read the book until night fall.

Author's Notes:

Oh my, Erelan is just like her brother!

Playing hard to get! Poor Cullen. =(

Until next time! Hope you liked this chapter!

Thank you for reading!