A/N: Thank you so much for all the reviews and as a huge thanks, here is the next chapter already! For those who wanted more of the other girls, here we go! This is just the beginning of part of the main plot line for this story and I hope you all enjoy it. I promise a scene of the girls with the police and Caleb with the police is coming up very soon because I absolutely love the idea! Until then, I hope you enjoy this chapter and the slight twist it serves up. Triggers do apply with references to violence throughout this chapter. Please review as each one is like a tiny bit of inspiration to stop me being the lazy person I'd love to be after work every day!
"You take me by the hand, I question who I am... teach me how to fight, I'll show you how to win. You're my mortal flaw and I'm your fatal sin. Let me feel the sting, the pain, the burn under my skin. Put me to the test, I'll prove that I'm strong, won't let myself believe that what we feel is wrong. I finally see what you knew was inside me all along." - Beth Crowley
Hanna's eyes glanced down at the pictures in front of her, before her finger slowly pressed down on the button above Spencer's photograph. She sobbed when she heard a scream coming from the best friend she had just unwittingly tortured. She had learned the hard way what happened when they disobeyed the instructions of the games A liked to play with them; it was one of them or all four of them. And whilst she would take every single shock for all of her best friends, that was not a choice she was allowed to make. And all of their refusals had taken its toll on their bodies until they promised each other that they would just press a button, any button, to end the pain sooner than it would had they continued to prolong it. They had come up with a system and today, Hanna was meant to choose Spencer and Emily had gotten her.
And then she felt it, the shock running through her body, causing her to tense up as she bit back the scream that longed to fall from her lips.
Hanna woke up with a gasp, letting out a broken sob until she felt Caleb's arm tense around her. His eyes didn't open when she glanced at him, but she knew if she woke him up then he wouldn't care. A few seconds passed, and her eyes moved over to the open closet – where she kept a blanket and pillow for every night she had found herself cuddled up in there, completely safe. She took a deep breath, and then moved her eyes back to the sleeping man next to her. There was a pause, before she rested her head onto his chest and gripped onto his t-shirt and closed her eyes once again. She could feel Caleb's body relax and his arm tightened around her as she gave a small smile – she was safe right where she was. For the first time since she had been back, she didn't need her own version of safety that laid within that closet, because she was in Caleb's arms and surely that was the safest place in the world she would ever be able to find.
It had been Spencer's idea to meet up later that day, even though Hanna didn't want to leave the comfort of her own home for fear of the stares that would follow her around town. But her mother had insisted that she leave the house and spend some time with the girls she had been avoiding for far too long, and Caleb had given her a smile as he promised her that he would walk her to the Brew and even hang around to walk her back home. That was how she found herself sitting in the coffee shop she had once loved with her three best friends, just listening to them all talk about the month they had gone through since they had been back. It was just a week before they learned that the courts had decided not to press charges against them for the murder of Charlotte DiLaurentis, and the day before had been Charlotte's funeral as her body had finally been released. Spencer had text her telling her that they all needed to be together, even if it was just for an hour.
Hanna had just listened as her friends spoke about their lives post-dollhouse – Emily was getting used to what her house was like now her father was gone. She was struggling horrifically with the fact that she had never said goodbye to the man she had loved, and it hadn't gone unnoticed by Hanna or the other girls that she was wearing her father's old Army jacket. She coated over the fact Alison hadn't left the hospital until Emily had gone home, in fact, she barely spoke of Alison at all but Hanna kind of understood how conflicting the feelings must have been – from what she understood, Paige had gone to college the year before, having lost all hope that Emily would be found. At least, that's what Caleb had told her but Alison had never given up on finding them, and most of all, she had never given up on Emily.
Aria hadn't been able to stay in her parents house, she had been staying in Ezra's apartment above the coffee shop they sat in right then. She wasn't able to face the bedroom that only reminded her of what she had left behind in that awful place, but Ezra's apartment was something new and fresh, something that hadn't been jaded by A which was something rare they had to find in Rosewood. She spoke of the nightmares she had every single night and how Ezra struggled to comfort her because when she woke up, she didn't want to be touched. She wasn't used to actually being touched, she wasn't used to the comfort people were trying to offer her after three years of... nothing.
And Spencer mentioned how she put up with her overbearing parents and older sister who didn't know when to leave her alone even when she begged them to. Toby seemed to always be there as well and whilst Spencer appreciated it, she struggled with everything because she was so used to spending much of her time alone. She had spent so much time by herself, plotting in her head about how she was going to get out of there and now the only thing that could occupy her mind was how she was going to heal. Already, after just a month, there was talk about her taking her GED so she could go to college and properly move on; the youngest of the Hastings family had no idea how to cope with that thought. She had barely gotten back on her feet at home, to even think about going to college was almost too much.
Each of the girls were struggling in their own ways – Hanna wanted to be around Caleb as much as she possibly could but she was silent, so there was no pushing and there was no discussion. Caleb was patient with her, he spoke gently, he didn't mention the future, he didn't ask her questions about the past and Hanna was growing to love the smell of cigarettes and the faint smell of beer that always seemed to linger. She craved it as well, whenever he was gone, she wanted to be back in his arms and somehow, that made things a little easier. Spencer wanted to be alone on the other hand, because she was so used to it, and there was a pressure that came with being around her family that the other girls didn't feel with their own. Aria couldn't face the pain in her parents eyes, but still, she pushed Ezra away as much as she could without actually losing him completely, because the guilt was almost too much. And Emily hid all of her pain in an attempt to comfort her mother who was dealing with the death of her husband, and three years of thinking she had lost her daughter as well, whilst also denying herself the comfort of Alison because the relationship would always feel tainted to her and maybe to Alison as well.
A silence fell amongst them once they had discussed everything that was happening in their lives and the feelings they had been struggling with until the silence was broken by a terrified looking Emily who leaned towards them as she frowned, "Do you ever wish you were back there?" She finally whispered, as her hands clasped around her mug, before she looked around, as though she was scared someone other than her friends would hear the words she had just spoken. To anyone who hadn't been in the dollhouse, it would sound crazy but Hanna understood what she meant – of course, she would never go back, none of them would but there was a routine they had, they knew what was coming, it had been three years of their lives and now they had to face the disappointment of their loved ones. Her eyes glanced down at the cup she held when Spencer and Aria both nodded their heads, and she bit down on her lip. "I said it to my therapist the other day and she looked at me like I had grown a second head..."
Hanna looked up to watch her friends, they had grown accustomed to her silence, they understood, but she wondered if it ever irritated them in the same way it did her. She tried so hard, she longed to be able to speak but it was as though her selective mutism had turned into non-selective mutism. Her voice box had stopped working, her brain had stopped allowing her mouth to form words. She had gone from not speaking because it was the only control she had in that place, to not being able to because her body and brain decided that was just the way it was. Her body was pathetic, she quickly decided, especially as she listened to the three girls who had been through the exact same thing she had. They spoke about their therapy sessions, and she had to wonder if it was helping them to be able to speak about it – Hanna spent most of her therapy sessions with a notebook and a large pad of blank paper that she was meant to draw in. Her therapist didn't mention the fact she hadn't spoken, not yet, and Hanna was a relief because when it was pointed out, she wanted to run away. She knew she couldn't talk, she didn't need people to point it out.
That was something she had forgotten about being with the other three – they never made her feel inferior or weak. They managed to include her without forcing her to talk, they managed to make her feel comfortable enough to smile, and to forget the dark thoughts that seemed to constantly run through her head. "My therapist told me to write down five things I missed when I was in there," Spencer spoke, and Hanna looked at her with a curious expression on her face as she tried to think of her own five things. "Mine were my family which even I was shocked about but I guess they've been... easier to deal with when I've been away from them for a few years, Toby, fresh coffee..." The brunette held up the coffee she held in her hands (her second one since they had arrived twenty minutes before), "I missed the sun setting and the sun rising and long road trips. Even though I've never been on a long road trip but I missed them anyway because when you can't do something that you've always wanted to do..."
Aria nodded her understanding, and Emily just smiled at her rambling best friend, "Well," Aria was the next to speak, "I missed my family more than anything, Ezra, my camera, the smell of a bookshop and the taste of my mother's fresh cooking." Spencer smiled at Hanna and opened up the notebook Hanna had been holding, giving her a pen as she nodded her head. Five things she had missed, five things that would remind her that it was good to be alive and it was an amazing thing that she could be free.
"My five things would have to be my parents..." Hanna saw the tears in her best friends eyes already because they all knew that she had missed the death of one of them, she had been stolen from her chance to say goodbye to her own father and that was just another thing A had stolen from them. "... swimming, I got into the pool for the first time the other day and I just... I forgot how nice the water felt against my skin and I had forgotten the way it made me feel... I missed it so much. Um, I missed running too... feeling the fresh air against my skin, and Christmas... god, I missed that so much. I know it'll never be the same again, it only ever meant the world because my dad made it home most of the time but... I still missed that celebration and A-" Hanna knew what the pause was; it had been three years but Emily still couldn't admit her feelings for the sister of the person who had tortured them for so long, and Hanna wasn't sure she could blame her, "I missed some people as well, and even though we were all there together, I missed being able to be us."
Five things, that was all she had to think of but it was the hardest thing right then. She had missed so much but she had been so willing to say goodbye to it all to end her pain whilst she was there and whilst the suicidal thoughts were slowly leaving her confused mind, they still remained. Spencer took the paper from her with a small smile, "First Hanna, if you're not going to talk then you need to work on your handwriting," She teased, smirking when Hanna playfully slapped her arm with a roll of her eyes. "Hanna missed her mom, Caleb, Netflix..." She gave the blonde a look but she just shrugged it off with a smile, "Shopping and... being able to speak."
At that, Hanna looked down, because she could feel their eyes on her but instead of commenting on it, Aria looked up and out of the door that opened when someone walked in, "I see Caleb and Toby couldn't go far..." She mumbled, as she looked at the two men who were sitting next to Ezra on a bench across from the coffee shop. "Do you think it was easier to be us or them?"
"I don't think either was easy but... at least we knew what was going on. They had no clue if we were even alive, or what we were going through.." Hanna quickly stood up when Spencer had finished, tears in her eyes before she tried to find a way she could tell them that she had to leave. She didn't have to though, it was almost as though the other girls had read her mind as Spencer and Aria stood up as well, leaving just Emily to sit there. She couldn't have the girl she wanted because she was still denying herself, and Hanna wished the two would just sort it out, quickly, she grabbed her notebook and wrote something down before she handed it to Emily with a pointed look. She needed someone as well and even though they all knew that their other halves would never be able to heal them or fix what they had been through – Emily needed someone as well.
Another word didn't pass between them as they walked out of the place that had once felt like a second home considering how much time they had spent there, and their arms wrapped around each other once they were stood outside. "We have to do this again soon, it's been too long..." Spencer held onto Hanna tightly, until the four women froze when their phones alerted to them to a new text message at the same time. Her heart thumped uncomfortably and her face visibly paled, as she wore a matching expression as her best friends once they all pulled out their phones.
"Tell me who killed Charlotte or you'll all pay." Emily read out, and Hanna's eyes met with Caleb's across the road. He must have sensed the fear, he must have known something was going horribly wrong because he had thrown his cigarette down on the floor in a second and was by her side before she could even blink. He didn't say a word as he took the phone from her and bit down on his lip when he read the words, over and over again. He had just gotten her back, he had only just made her feel safe enough to be able to sleep in a bed and now there was someone else he had to protect her from. He tucked the phone into his own pocket and then wrapped his arms around her, pressing his lips to her head when she let out a broken sob.
Dear Caleb,
She didn't hurt us every single day, you know? She didn't make us hurt each other all the time either. Sometimes, that would be even more painful, and more terrifying... at least with physical pain you can brace yourself for it. You can see the scars it leaves behind and you can prepare yourself for what is about to hit you. It was the stuff she used to do to us that doesn't leave a physical scar that hurt the most.
I remember once, after another failed escape plan, she locked us in our rooms. That sounds pathetic when I write it down but when I say locked us in our rooms, I mean she actually kept us in there for months. At least that's what Spencer said, by that time I had already stopped counting the days but Spencer never stopped counting – she said we had been there for almost three months. We had no physical contact, whenever we tried to shout to each other, A would let off this awful alarm until we gave up. We'd get water once a day, and a meal every so often. We had to pee in a bucket she put in our room.
I think that was the worst. Not knowing what was happening to each other, I was on edge for the entire time because I had no clue what was going to happen next. But nothing ever happened, I never saw her, she never touched me or any of us in that entire time. She never came near us. Just slipped a pathetic tray of food through a pathetic letter box thing she had pre-prepared in the door for us. Like she knew she would punish us with no human contact.
I was with those girls in that hell hole for three years but there was months at a time when I didn't see them or speak to them. That was our punishment because she couldn't do anything to tear us apart. That was what she wanted, I think, she wanted us to turn against each other but despite everything, it never happened.
Once, Emily hit me so hard with a baseball bat, we all heard my ribs let out this awful crack. But I still wrapped my arms around her and told her I forgave her once it was over because I knew she did what she had to do. I would rather her hit me than whatever punishment A would have put on us if she had refused. That was what she made us do, Caleb... she made us hurt each other because the alternative was much more terrifying. I think she underestimated how much we love each other, how strong our friendship was... I've stood in front of Spencer with a knife in my hand and saw nothing but love and understanding in her eyes. I've punched Emily in the face so hard that she bled but we still fell asleep in each other's arms that night before A forced us back to our own rooms and I've held Aria's head under water until A told me to stop but still she accepted the extra blanket I gave her that night with a smile.
She did everything she could to tear us apart and it never worked. Maybe it would have been easier if it did because then the mind games wouldn't have hurt so much, right? I don't know anymore. You do what you have to do to survive but when you don't want to survive anymore, you do what you have to do so that your friends survive and that's all it ever was. Survival for the sake of survival. That was our entire lives.
But despite that, I'm glad I'm back in your arms. I'm sorry if anything I write makes you feel like I don't want to be here with you because I do, I really do.. you have no idea how much I do but... I just need to tell you the truth no matter how much it hurts either of us.
I didn't want to survive in there Caleb. But I'm glad I did.
Forever yours,
Hanna.
Caleb put the book to the side and rubbed his eyes, he needed to go for a cigarette but instead, he pulled the girl next to him as close as she could possibly get until she was practically laying on top of him. She had finally cried herself to sleep since she had gotten that text and he hadn't let go of her since he had to carry her home from that place. He didn't explain to Ashley what had happened, he didn't want to terrify the woman even more than she already had been, not until he had more information on what he needed to go on. They had only been back for a month, who could possibly care what happened to that murdering, kidnapping bitch? He buried his head in Hanna's hair as his own tears fell in sadness and anger at just the thought of Hanna being put through hell again for no reason. There was never a reason.
