I recently received one of the most darling reviews I have ever gotten I think, but the person leaving it was a guest so I couldn't write back and gush my appreciation! So to spikalicious, thank you so much! Thanks to you, I felt all enthused to get my butt into gear and get writing again - been a little muse-less lately.

So here, another chapter, hope it's okay!

Aaaaaand the usual stuff - not mine, just having fun, will give them back soon... maybe. Also I have given up playing with the format. I know it's all wonky, I no longer care :D


Buffy snuggled deeper into the warm blankets, hiding her nose from the freezing air trying to pinch it. Pulling the blanket over her ears, she couldn't seem to get it to stay. As soon as she stopped pulling, it slowly slid back down. Soon her shoulder was exposed to the cold air, nothing between the bite of the cold and her skin but her tshirt. Shivering, she yanked the blanket back up and a chuckle sounded, waking her up further.

Squinting open one eye, she could just make out a pale blob with topped with light brown leaning over her.
"Slayer, luv, wanna share why you are sleeping in tha doorway?"
With a blink, Buffy woke all the way and groaned in embarrassment. Leaving the warmth of the pile of blankets at the base of the pod door, she peered up at Spike, her face slowly turning red.
He squatted down beside her, his bare feet inches from her knee as she sat up and tried (and failed) to nonchalantly finger comb the 'bed head look' from her hair. From the open door behind him, Buffy could hear the shower running and see the steam from the not quite closed filling the little podhouse.

With a chuckle, Spike reached out and grasped her fingers as they worried her jacked-up hair.
"Rough night looks like." With a kiss to her fingers, he let go and ran his own hand through her hair, smoothing down the wayward strands and gently tugging at the knots.
Buffy's heart seemed to melt in her chest. The caress brought flooding back the memories of when Spike would stroke her hair the very rare times she had fallen asleep after a round of 'feel anything sex' with Spike. Of course she never actually allowed it. That would have meant things she didn't want to know back then.
The one memory that stood out the most, was the one of Spike holding her and stroking her hair the night before her world literally went up in flames. She now closed her eyes and soaked in every sensation, every feeling and stored them away. It was one of her many soul-crushing regrets that she never permitted this intimacy and when he was gone, it drowned her heart in despair every time she thought of the cruel bitch she had been to both of them.

She leaned into his hand, like a cat, her eyes still closed even as she registered the sound of the shower ceasing. Spike's hand patting her gently and pulled away, causing her eyes to slide slowly open and she forced herself back into the real world, somewhat soothed to know that she now had that memory firmly tucked away safely.

Shuffles and quiet bangs showed that Angel was finishing up in the tiny bathroom, a quiet curse drifted out after a particularly loud crashing sound. Buffy grinned at the cheeky thought of huge Angel in the Buffy sized bathroom. A quick glance up at Spike saw the huge grin he wore as he looked back over his shoulder at the other end of the pod.

"You right in there mate?" Dead silence followed as Angel must have frozen still at the sound of Spike's laughing voice.

"Yeah yeah, yuck it up laughing boy!"

With that, Buffy let loose a peal of laughter, throwing her head back as the joy spilled from her mouth. Spike returned his gaze to the laughing Slayer, warmth in his eyes and laughter on his lips as he watched the drawn, quiet woman seeming to finally, finally light up with life.

Another muffled curse had the two looking back into the pod. They watched as Angel appeared to wiggle his way through the small doorway, contorting his body to get him and his armload of towels and clothes out of the tiny steamy bathroom without everything ending up on the floor. Spike and Buffy's eyes met and they were both lost.

Buffy laughed so hard, she had to wrap her arms around her ribs. Her hair fell around her face, shielding her sight from the look the two men shared. An eyebrow lift from the dark vampire and a quick nod back from Spike and they both looked away, the moment speaking a thousand words in an instant.

A few minutes later, Buffy pulled herself together, Spike's chuckles quietening down as well.

She noticed that Spike was still squatting in the pod doorway as her blankets blocked the exit. Her blush returning to her face, she hurried to gather up the bedding and threw it over the closest couch.

Angel, now coming up behind Spike carrying two steaming mugs, simply put his foot in the middle of the younger vampire's back and shoved, causing Spike to spill from the doorway. With a bland expression, Angel merely stepped over his sprawled childe and settled himself on a couch. Spike's blood was set on the coffee table crate and Angel sipped his own calmly.

"Oi! So that's how it's gonna be huh? Right-e-o matey, I got your measure now.." Spike smoothly rose from the floor and stalked over to the blank faced vamp, snatching up his blood on the way. Buffy watched from her spot by the couch and smiled at the playfulness that now existed between the two Aurelian vampires. It was something that had never even seemed possible, even if they had jumped to Bizarre World in another dimension and everything was chocolate and fairy floss.

Their bickering faded into the background as Buffy simply allowed herself to just watch two of the very few people she loved in the entire world. If Dawn had been there, Buffy's entire world would have shrunk down to just this warehouse.

She sank into the couch, her eyes drinking in the bantering men, a smile flashing as Spike kicked out a foot and knocked Angel's leg off the crate, a chuckle as Angel retaliated by flipping the crate sending Spike's bare foot to the floor now to be under the flipped crate.

Her attention was abruptly brought into focus as bright blue eyes filled her vision. Realising that she had zoned out slightly, she blinked and cleared her throat as Spike moved back from looking directly in her face and sat next to her on her couch.

"You okay Slayer?" Concern was shining from Spike's eyes. Without thought, Buffy cupped the side of Spike's face, her thumb running along his still extremely prominent cheekbone. A slight pressure told her he had leant into the touch as she had with his touch that very morning.

Wordlessly, she nodded as she watched her thumb slowly move across the pale skin. Meeting his eyes, she smiled a little, the movement raising just one corner of her mouth. It was enough to chase the worry from his eyes. He grasped her hand and placed kiss in the centre of her palm, then placed her hand in her lap and left it there moving to grab his mug.

"So Slayer, what's the deal now?" Spike sipped his blood and looked at her questioningly. Angel merely settled back further into his own couch and studied Buffy.

She shrugged.

"Honestly, I'm not sure. Faith and I are basically flying blind here." She picked at some lint on her jeans and sifted around. "Plans aren't really my thing anymore." From the corner of her eye, she saw Spike glance at Angel and she knew that she wasn't catching them all.

"I was pretty well out of it after Sunnydale. Wasn't doing much other than what I was told too. Bit like that time after I came back, but worse if you get my drift. Taught the new slayers, slayed what I was told to. Rarely left the compound." Buffy looked up at Spike with a sad smile. "It wasn't until I heard about ... you know LA, that I shook out of it. I grew up."

"Hang on, you were in Rome. We saw you, dancing with The Immortal." The two vampires traded looks, something Buffy was starting to get really annoyed at.

She shrugged at them both, a frown on her face.

"Nope, never been to Greece. I barely left Council Compound. "

Angel opened his mouth to correct the blonde but quickly changed his mind at the glare from Spike.

"Italy, luv." Spike murmured. Buffy shrugged, her care factor a huge fat 0.

"But Buffy, we SAW you. At a nightclub. Dancing." Angel stressed his words, leaning forward to emphasise them.

"Wasn't me. I don't know who you think you saw, but I think I would remember international clubbing, guys."

Spike spoke up, looking between the two others.

"Angel, we couldn't get close enough to scent Buffy and I sure as hell didn't get a clear look at her face. You?"

Angel thought and shook his head.

"Well, who told you it was me?" Buffy's fists started to clench in her lap as that nasty little twinge in her gut started to kick it's way alive after a few days of peace.

"It was the nerd kid, Andrew. 'E was there n all luv. Seemed right cosy, wot with 'im, you 'n Bit all sharing a place. Right fancy place it was too."

"DAWN WAS THERE?" Buffy jumped to her feet, fists now rhythmically clenching and unclenching.

"Not that we saw, pet. Calm down. We just saw the nerd boy with some arm candy. He gave us the big spiel about letting you be, how's you was all happy now." Spike's voice drifted off at that point.

Buffy threw her head and back let out a furious scream! A stamped foot and their crate coffee table became merely splinters. The nasty twinge roaring to furious life as the ever simmering rage swamped her and took over.

"I have HAD IT! The Lies! Deceit! The Fucking BULLSHIT that they constantly heaped on me! It's never-ENDING!" She screamed as she strode over to the punching bag and with one furious punch, imbedded her hand right up to the middle of her forearm. With another enraged shriek, she pulled her arm out and punched it again. This time the bag tore in two completely, sand exploding over the warehouse.

Buffy was so angry she could feel the blood pounding in her head. No matter how fucked up things were, how controlled she had been, there always seemed to be more layers to the lies. More tangles to the reins they had controlled her with.

The wooden Wing Chun dummy was next. Buffy spun and levelled a kick and the two arms were dust and the body of the dummy cracked into several pieces and flew across the warehouse to slam into the steel walls. Another kick and the stump was just kindling ready for a fire. She stood there wait for the red tinge to leave her sight, panting as she struggled to contain the rage clawing at her.

It took a few moments to realise that Spike was standing in front of her, eyeing her carefully as he maintained a relatively safe distance. She went to sweep a stray hair from her eyes and saw the minute flinch, just a twitch of his left eye and her fury was suddenly swamped with guilt. She remembered every hit, every harsh word, each and every push away and pull in she had subjected him too, all thanks to the Argdon demons oh-so-lovely-full-life-flashbacks. The memories spun through her mind like an old fashioned zoetrope, as clear as though they had just happened yesterday.

A tear escaped and trickled down her cheek and hung from her chin. Her eyes locked onto Spike's and she could see the confusion visible in his.

"I'm so sorry." She whispered. And just like that, her fury vanished and sorrow overwhelmed her instead. His hand came to her cheek and wiped away another trickling tear.

"Ah pet, we both have our sorries to make I reckon."

Dimly she heard the warehouse door snick shut and she knew from the tingles lessening on the back of her neck that Angel had left to give them some privacy.

Moving slowly so as to never see that flinch again, Buffy reached up and gently gripped Spike's wrist as it stroked her cheek. With her other hand, she laid it on his chest, right where his heart would have beat long ago.

"I was abusive." She placed her fingers from his chest over his lips to silence the almost immediate objection she saw forming there. "Sshh. I was. I'm not as stupid or blind as I used to be. I have done a lot of growing this past year or so. Which if you consider my freaking life, I dunno how much more 'growing' I can handle." She smiled weakly at the vampire. She knew this had to be said. If it wasn't, it would sit there and fester and infect everything they might have in the future. Boils always needed to be lanced and then cared for.

She pulled Spike over to the couches, sitting him in one and she took the opposite one, needing the space to be able to force the words out.

"Please let me say what I need to say before interrupting?" Spike merely studied her face for a few silent moments before nodding his agreement.

"I spent a lot of time on my own this past year. That's a lot of thinking time. And a lot of Oprah."

She stopped to clear her suddenly thick throat. "When you were gone, I met up with these tree demony things. They basically said "Buffy, here, every memory you ever made is now front and present and will pop up when needed like some demonic self aware Google search engine." So I got a refresher lesson in Buffyville, the Series."

Pause. Deep breath.

"And I really didn't like what I saw." She realised she was shaking and looking over at the once blonde vampire, she could see he saw but was honouring her request to let her get this done. His hands were flat on his knees and she could see where his nails were digging into his jeans as he tight-facedly watched her metaphorically gut herself in front of him.
"I was abusive. God! Just saying it..." Hard swallow, another deep breath. "If I saw me on Oprah, I would have kicked my own ass. Twice. And then probably once more. Because I deserved it. Physically, emotionally, mentally... Fuck! In every single possible way I was like a horrible Time Life movie. You know, the ones where you are screaming at the TV that the bad guy needs to be killed and chopped up into bits and buried all over the state. Or mixed in with the fried tomatoes. I cannot possibly ever apologise enough. I can never make it up to you. There is nothing I can ever do to assuage the brutality I put on you."

Tears were running freely down Buffy's face and soaking into her shirt. She felt the hem of her shirt give way under her twisting fingers.

"All I can say is that I am so so sorry. You never deserved that.. NO!" She snapped at the vampire as he opened his mouth. "No, you didn't. You reached out time and time again and each time I would slap you away. Oh but not EVERY time." She chuckled harshly, darkly. "No. I allowed you close just enough, JUST enough, to keep you by me. So that I could do it again next time. I have no excuses. Nothing I will ever say will be enough to make up for everything."

She took another massive breath.

"All I can say is that I will never be that person again. I promise that from the bottom of my heart and soul. I will spend the rest of my days making sure that that person is well and truly dead forever." Buffy wiped at the streams of tears on her face. "I ... I know I have no right at all to ask. But ... I hope... I hope that you will let me do that. For you, that is. Show you the better me."

She lay her hands in her lap and stared at the spots of damp on her jeans.

Silence lay heavy on the blonde couple in the warehouse. Buffy could hear the Free Rangers moving about outside and in the far corners. She could hear the metal roof clicking as it contracted in the cooling air of the evening. But she heard nothing from the slim vampire across from her.

Glancing a peek at him through her eyelashes, she saw a man who could have been mistaken for a sculpture. Nothing about him moved. For a creature that was never still, even when unconscious, it was an eerie thing.

"You done now?" The question seemed to jump out of the silence, causing Buffy to start.

She nodded, watching him openly now.

"I'm not sure what I should be saying 'ere, pet. It was a dark time for both of us. Oi!" It was his turn to glare at the woman as she tried to argue his statement. "I shut the hell up for your little speech, now you're gonna do the same for me!"

She snapped her mouth shut with an audible crack and nodded, wide eyed.

"Right then. I thank you for your apology Slayer. Right nice of you. But don't be flagellating yourself skinless here completely, you weren't the only one fucking everything up." He cleared his own throat. "I was making plenty of my own mistakes too. But you always were quick to the fist and Kick the Spike had become part of the routine. I tried to fix you in ways that shouldn't have happened and for that, I am truly sorry Slayer."

He shifted and tucked one leg under himself, the other leg straight out and he studied his toes as they wriggled. Buffy thought he was one of the few men who truly had lovely feet.

"But you are right in that it won't happen again. It's not healthy for either of us and I sure as hell won't let it get that bad again. I may be a demon, but I ain't a monster. Not any more. And I deserve better."

Buffy blinked. It appeared that she wasn't the only one who had done some D&M introspection on themselves lately.

"Buffy, I'm not one to harp much on the shit others have done in the past any more. Hells, I don't wanna pull back the curtain on my own past. So I'll say this and we'll consider my part done and dusted for now. Well, not literally, hey." Head tilt and quirk of a smile had Buffy's cold heart feeling real warmth again for the first time in a very long time. Then the smile faded away and his eyes grew cooler and his face serious. "We are different than we were in SunnyHell. A lot has happened. A lot of bad and not much good I reckon. And a lot has changed. It will never be like it was, not even the good bits. Not ever."

The heat fled leaving ice to crack at Buffy's heart. Sweat sprung out on her lip and in her hair and she could feel the panic starting to pick at her heartbeat, chasing it faster.

Oh God

He was going to leave.


Well? Whatcha think?

And don't worry! I have the next chapter ready to go and after a few tweaks, it should be up in a day or so! So the wait should be short, sharp and yummy ... bwhahahaha, yummy for me! *evil cackle*