December 30
2230
Number of scented candles floating in expensive fish bowl: 2, lavender. Delicious and relaxing.
Number of cigarettes: 4, v. good, considering level of stress as want more
There are times when it seems as if the world rests upon my shoulders and said world would be unable to function without my magnanimous supervision, however this becomes v. wearisome at times. Specifically when I must play lookout for tiny pixie with a serious case of the crazies.
After visiting downstairs laundry this am to attend to Xu's sweater problem, was accosted by stealthy figure wearing a charming saffron ski mask complete with poofy tassles and matching gloves. Felt some level of fear initially, as some of my Trepies are far more assertive than others and I fear the day I go to prison for throttling the stalking bastards, but soon felt relief when I saw that my kidnapper was trying to drag me to a fluorescent purple van that reminds me of cannabis-steeped road trips during college. As no proper criminal would be caught dead in such an outfit, nor would drive such an easily recognizable vehicle, I knew instantly that I would soon be dragged into another of Selphie's mad schemes, which always seem to make those concocted by Xu seem designed by the most judicious woman on the planet.
As kidnapper tried to force a gag between my teeth...
Note to self: must remind Xu that we have shopping trip planned for Friday and she has sworn to replace my favorite riding crop, which she broke upon Fujin's back last month. Must remember to ensure that I do not set Xu up on any blind dates when she is in one of her moods. Fujin has not spoken to either of us since that night, though mysterious bouquets have been appearing in Xu's office recently....
...I gently, yet forcefully reminded Selphie that I have recently been in too much trouble with the court system to risk another arrest.
"Look Selphie, whatever it is, I want no part of it."
"Aw! How'd ya know it was me?!"
Am fairly certain that I have hurt Selphie's feelings, as it was obvious that a tremendous amount of care went into the planning of her disguise.
"You couldn't even see my face!"
"True, but you're shorter than Rinoa, you always smell like gunpowder and raspberries, plus you are the only person in history that would consider saffron a suitable color for a kidnapping and/or extortion plot. And you giggle. I don't believe kidnappers giggle, at least not while they're on the clock."
"Saff-what?"
"Yellow, Selphie."
"Oh. Right. Darn."
In spite of self and voice in head screaming for me to run far, far away, else shame and misfortune once again befall me, I decided to play the role of loyal friend and aid my disheartened companion.
"Okay, fine. What is so important that you would try to kidnap me?"
Regret ever asking this question, as Selphie's voice, which is normally high enough to raise garage doors during periods of excitement, rose to a level heretofore unheard by human ears. Am fairly certain that alien life on planets lightyears removed from our own have heard it and are hurrying their betentacled children inside, else a cosmic tornado swoop them up into their twisted skies of hydrochloric gas.
"He's acting suspicious!"
"What? Who?"
"IRVIE!"
As have never been impressed with Irvine's multitudinous declarations of his love and dedication to his "little darlin' sugarbritches", I must confess that I did very little to aid Selphie during this period of woe.
"Well..."
"Oh God! Not you too! That's just what Rin said!"
Am offended that in spite of years of loyalty to friends, all still seek Princess Heartilly for advice in all matters romantic. Only when they need help with academic problems do they seek my counsel. Except for Xu, of course.
"Then why are you here if Rinoa has already helped you so much?"
Am disappointed with self for note of bitterness that crept into voice, though am pleased that Selphie appeared suitably shamed.
"Because everything is perfect for her and she already has everything she wants! You just have Killer Bee and Xu!"
Shall one day hang Selphie upside down over hot coals.
"Ugh. Forget it. I'm going back upstairs."
"NO! You hafta go with me!"
At this point, Selphie pulled from her back pocket a detailed map the likes of which remind me that no matter how flighty she may be, there is an insanely genius rabid dog of a brain foaming and snarling just behind those big green eyes. There were enough highlighted routes to and from her target to make even the most experienced of indecisive suicide bombers jealous of her organizational skills.
"See? He's been hanging out at this coffee shop every day until about 0923, which is an odd number if you ask me, then he walks two blocks north, cuts east for another three blocks, then he circles around and waits for this cute little redhead to open her jewelry shop."
"So?"
Map which had gained my admiration earlier was not so impressive when slapped against forehead.
"Sooo...it means he's cheating on me!"
"Maybe he's just shopping..."
"With a redhead?! The kinkiest hair color of them all?!"
As I have always been erroneously told that blondes have more fun, I do not consider myself an expert on phenotypic proclivities towards behaviors of any sort.
"Perhaps he's just..."
"No! Once he told me that he would love to bang a redhead to see if the curtains matched the carpet..."
Must remind self to tell Xu to call Irvine to satisfy his curiosity, as she once dated a ginger girl named Lucy or something like that and could vouch for er...matching furnishings.
"That doesn't mean that he's cheating on you, Selphie. Maybe he's just..."
Though I loudly protested for the twenty minute drive to the stakeout point, it did no good, as I soon found myself on my knees behind a dumpster, spying on a tall man in a cowboy hat ambling about a jewelry shop.
"See there? He's smiling at her!"
As binoculars were beginning to freeze to face, did not argue.
"And look at the dirty whore! She's touching his arm! I knew it! They're fuck-buddies!"
Truthfully, the touch seemed fairly innocent, but as it was starting to snow and my pantyhose were fast perforating themselves from the contact with the asphalt, I agreed with her.
"And look! She's smiling right back at him! I'm gonna kill 'em both!"
As Selphie is the mistress of all things combustible and/or explosive, I became concerned, because I took a sip of her coffee on the way to stakeout/ premeditated murder contemplation point, and I did not want to be connected with homicide that would bring me very little satisfaction.
"Oooh! And now he's buying a ring! The asshole! I'll string him up by his balls and make him dance a jig!"
"Umm, Selphie...?"
"What?!?!"
Under no circumstances will I ever again interrupt Selphie Tilmitt while she is planning her glitter and fairydust version of revenge. Am fairly certain that I saw flames of Hell burning in her pixie-green irises.
"Umm..."
"Oh wait! Now he's out of the shop and he has his cell! Who's he gonna call...?"
The ring from her pocket made us both scream.
"Hello? What? No, I'm just...er, with Quisty. Yeah, with Quisty. What? No, we're not naked...what? Backflips? Ha! No, Xu isn't here, though I bet she'd like to see that too! Wait, what? You want to meet me where? Okay, but why? A surprise?! Oooooh! Okay! Love ya! Bye!"
The speed with which Selphie left me in that alley was shocking, to say the very least. The walk home, however, was as far removed from speedy as sensibility and reason are to Rinoa. Upon arrival to flat with no properly laundered sweaters in hand, Xu initially met me at the door with a frown on her face, though frown soon was replaced by look of concern that helped soothe injured feelings.
"What the bloody fuck happened to you? You're soaked! And you reek!"
"Ugh. Long story, but I think we may need to soon go shopping for something to wear to a wedding."
Am grateful to Xu for running a hot bath and preparing a fresh pot of coffee.
"So who's getting hitched? Princess and our fearless commander?"
"Well, I might be wrong, but I'm pretty sure that Selphie is banging her boyfriend for buying her an engagement ring as we speak."
"Hmm. And why does that always disturb me?"
Was becoming very sleepy and relaxed by this point, due in part to temperature of hot bath, but mainly due to Xu's miraculous fingers on shoulders that previously felt so weary.
"Because he never removes his hat..."
"Uh huh..."
"And it's kind of creepy..."
"Very true..."
"Xu?"
"Hmm?"
Fell asleep at this point and Xu is still upset with me. Shall strangle her at next opportunity for leaving me to sleep in cooling water instead of carrying me to bed. Shall imply that she could have made it much further if she had played her cards right, just to see her reaction. Should be interesting to see if she can create any new curse words.
