(Liliana Vess)
Driving down the backroads of New Orleans, I think about how perfect last Tuesday was. Jace showed up in the driveway looking extremely handsome, in a button up shirt and flat-front khaki shorts. His Speedo bag is in the back. He didn't mention he was actually getting in the water. He opens up the door and I take my seat in the passenger side.
"Do you have a bathing suit, doll?"
"Um, no. I don't."
"Well, that's actually pretty surprising, but that means we get to go get you one before next time you come," he says, an evil glint in his eye.
I can't swim. I'm not about to tell Jace that, though. I don't want to be babysat. I'm still excited for this, though. Especially if he's going to be getting in the water. He's seen me do my thing- well, things, and I want to see him do his. He rubs the top of my hand and I decide to lean across the console and kiss him. I had an entire internal debate about this on the porch, about how he wasn't Ashiok, how he wasn't going to hurt me, and that I needed to try for him because he's going out of his comfort zone for me. The kiss startles him at first, but then he responds in kind. He braids his hands in my hair, and sinks his teeth into my bottom lip. Instead of jumping at pain like a normal human being, it spurs me on. He's not making my descent into celibacy any easier, and I think he knows it. I pull back and huff.
"What?" Jace says, a laugh on his lips. Asshole.
"Don't start something you won't finish, Beleren."
"Won't? Isn't it can't?"
"We both know you can, tatus. It's that you won't. Because you're mean."
I glance down at my feet, slightly embarrassed about all of this. As I do, I notice his, er, growing problem. The embarrassment goes to a different feeling- something like satisfaction, because at least I'm not the only one that's going to be frustrated over this.
"Do you mind?" Why do I feel like I'm in a relationship with this man? I stop the thoughts in their tracks and turn to look at him as he answers the question.
"I love it, obviously." He puts my hand on the khaki material, and I softly stroke, but he stops me. God. Damn. It.
"No, leesi."
"I thought we were making progress!"
"You are. You're doing great. Tatus is so proud of you. "
My face turns as red as the setting sun. His hand braids through my own as I look down at my feet again.
"Really?"
"So proud. You are blowing me away with how amazing you are at this." He smiles slightly and puts the car in park, leans over and kisses my cheek.
He grabs his Speedo swim bag and we walk into the aquarium, his hand on the small of my back. He clicks in and shows me to the bench in front of the tank. I take a seat and wait for Jace to come out, and when he does, I have to stop myself from staring. Because the bathing suit-wetsuit thing that he has on clings to all the places that he won't let me touch right now. The dolphin does have a prosthetic fin just like Jace said. He very obviously recognizes Jace and he swims excitedly around his tank. It brings a smile to my face, it's absolutely precious.
"Give me five," Jace says, as he holds his hand up. The dolphin swims over and hits Jace's hand with his fin, which is probably the most adorable thing that I have ever seen.
He and Jace swim around for a few minutes before Jace beckons me over to the tank and they both swim over to the edge, and the dolphin bonks his head on the side of the tank. Jace laughs and asks me if I have any names for him.
"No, not really, he's a bit derpy, but he's precious and I love him."
"I can't show favoritism but he is pretty awesome."
"You said he was big- he's tiny."
"I know, it was a joke."
"Titan."
I walk through the door, wave at Su and head upstairs. Jace has NOT budged on the no-more-touching. It's been nearly three weeks and we have been steadily working on it, every single day. Every day, we do a different activity- whether it be cooking, or calculus, or him just watching me practice ballet. He actually wants to get to know me and he's convinced that we need to do things in the right order. I asked him if he regretted the way we had been doing things and he said no, but that he wants to do right by me. It makes me wonder what exactly pushed him to do it this way. I asked him, he just smiled and said that I was worth it. I just nodded and he pulled me into his lap. You are, he had said. And you'll see it one day.
And I think I'm finally ready. If he is.
I put my bag down and walk over to his room. The door is shut. This never, ever happens. Not once. A lump starts to form in my throat but I shake it off. I take a breath and walk over to the door and turn the knob. As it opens, Jace is standing at the door, but he's not alone. Tamiyo. He's showed me some of his old pictures and she was in a few of them. I feel my eyes grow to the size of saucers as my eyes find their way back to Jace. I meet his eyes and nod, turning on my heel and heading back to my room, clicking the lock. Her eyes are confused, she's probably wondering why his step sister is upset at the fact that his stepsister is upset at the fact that his ex is in his room. I sink to the floor, back against the door.
"Liliana!" he sounds desperate. I don't care. I don't care what they were doing. He didn't tell me anything- so that lets me know exactly how he feels. I flash back to the time that I walked in on Sorin with someone else, and it didn't hurt as bad as this does. Why did I think he would be any different? Why?
"Josu!" My voice is loud, but I don't think I sound upset. I need to get out of here, because I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to see him.
Su walks up the stairs, I hear him. He's not quiet. I don't think he has plans, and I need to leave. I can't be here right now.
"Yeah?"
"Want to go get frozen yogurt?"
He looks at me, sitting against the door. He takes a breath. He's not stupid. Josu's hand clenches into a fist and then back.
"What's wrong?"
"I don't want to be here." My voice sounds weak. Just like me. I promised I wouldn't do this to myself again.
"Yeah. Let's go."
Josu and I head down the stairs and out. We get into his truck and he pulls out of the driveway. He gives me a long look at the end of the road as I stare out the window. He makes the left out of the neighborhood and clears his throat.
"What's happened?"
"Nothing, I made the mistake of thinking that he could be any different from Sorin or Ashiok."
"What did he do? Do you want me to go solve this right now?"
"No, Su. It's not your responsibility to protect me."
"Shut the fuck up! You know it is."
We get out at the Blueberry Frog, he allows me silence until we get to the table. I sit down at the table and feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. I take it out and read the text.
Look, I know you're mad. I goofed by not telling you. We got partnered on a project and it was spur of the moment, I didn't know how to tell you.
I don't say anything back. I don't care what his reasoning is. Unreasonable? Probably. I sit my phone of the table and start to pick at the frozen fruit in the pomegranate yogurt.
"Lili?"
I look at my brother. He knows me better than anyone on this planet, better than my father, better than Lia, better than anyone. He knows that I was starting to care about Jace. He puts his hand on my forearm.
"Look at me. Tell me what's happened."
"We were making progress. I thought he actually gave two shits- and I was actually planning on telling him today that I was willing to give it a shot."
"What changed, Lili?"
"I go over there to tell him that I'm finally ready to try this, to do this, that my feelings are something that I'm going to have to work on, but if he'll work with me then I wanted to try."
My phone vibrates against the table again. I pick it up and read it:
I saw that you read it, Liliana. Don't ignore me. I told you what happened. Do you think that I want to be with her? Because I don't.
I put it down again and address my brother again.
"Anyways, I get home from my first class and walk over there, right? The door is shut. The door has never been shut, not since we moved in. I knew something was up, I felt my stomach drop. I open the door. His ex is in his room, bent over a textbook. But he didn't tell me something was going on, that he was doing something, otherwise it wouldn't have mattered. I wouldn't have cared. He just texted me and told me that they were working on a project together. Not that it matters. He didn't tell me. Wouldn't you be mad if Lia did something like that without telling you what was up?"
"Yeah, I would. But is Jace your boyfriend? Are you guys in a relationship?"
"He talks a big game, Su. He talks like that's what he wants, but then this?"
The phone vibrates again.
If you're angry, that means your feelings are a lot more than what I thought they were. Are you really going to do that? We've been working on this and you're going to let a misunderstanding stand in the way? It's like one step forward and three steps back, Liliana!
Again, I don't respond. I can't.
"When Jace and I talked, he seemed honestly like he wanted to, but he really should have told you. But Lili, this isn't me taking his side and I'll never say this to him, but guys are fucking stupid. There have been times that I've pissed off Lia because I forgot something that she thinks should be obvious to me, and it probably should have. But you and Jace aren't exactly black and white, Liliana. You need to tell him that you want to be black and white if you are going to hold him to any sort of expectations. It's only fair."
I grumble at Josu, of course he's right, but I'm just so mad.
"How can he talk and talk and talk but then not act like it? He said he didn't know how to tell me, and that's whatever."
"At least he wanted to tell you. Because if had been Ashiok, he wouldn't be blowing up your phone right now like Jace is. That's a little bit of proof that he cares. You can't expect Jace to be perfect, especially when you won't tell him what you want, Liliana."
My phone starts to ring. He's calling and not texting anymore. I guess he isn't playing around anymore and that he wants to talk. Josu is right, but I honestly don't feel like I'm the one that needs to apologize.
"Liliana?"
"Yeah, Su?
"I'm just happy you actually have expectations out of him, because that's what you deserve. You don't deserve the shit that Ashiok put you through, because your body is yours to give as you want to not anyone's to just take. And no one deserves what he did to your mind. I should have killed him."
"You put him in the hospital, Su, and threatened that if he told anyone what actually happened that he wouldn't leave that hospital living. I think you did your job as a big brother above and beyond the description, Osu."
"Nobody will ever do that to you again, because I will make sure they know," Josu says as he finishes off the chocolate mess that he usually gets.
The phone starts to ring again and Josu reaches across the table and grabs it, and while I try to take it from him, I don't. He picks it up and answers in his gruff voice.
"Hey, Jace, we were just talking about you. Liliana told me what happened and she's not ready to talk about it right now, but she will when we get home. We've been discussing how both of you should have reacted differently, but her emotions got the best of her just like you fucked up by not telling her."
Josu pauses, I can't hear Jace, but Su isn't wrong so I just scrape the blackberries off of the bottom of the cup.
"Yeah, that's what she said. She wants to talk to you, that isn't me just saying it. I don't know exactly what we're gonna do, but we won't be longer than a couple hours."
"Thanks, Osu."
"You're welcome. Anyways, you don't wanna throw this away, Liliana. You know that if it were someone who didn't have your best interest at heart, I would tell you to hit the ground running. I know it's not an ideal situation, especially with Dad and Kate, but you haven't been this happy since before Ashiok, and I'm not ready or willing to let that go. Because for the first time in forever, your smile has touched your eyes. I know you better than anyone, and the fact that you smile after doing fucking calculus with him makes him special. You can say that you don't have feelings with him but the fact that you are here with me shows me- and him too, probably- that you do. And the fact that he's calling you and calling you and calling you shows that he obviously cares too. So just, for once in your life, stop fighting it."
"I don't know how!"
"I know you don't. Just like I don't know how I'm actually going to ask Marcela if I can marry Lia. Like I know you pretty much raised me and then my dad broke your heart because he's an insufferable douchebag but I need to marry your daughter."
"Marcela loves both of us, Su. She knows you love Lia. She's not going to tell you know. She knows that everything you do is for Kaalia."
"Or you."
"Well, she knows that, too."
"But Liliana, it's worth giving him a chance."
I turn the knob to my room and unlock the adjoining door. He's standing in the bathroom, whether he was waiting on me or not, I don't know. He makes his way over to my bed and sits on the edge, I sit on my bay window across from him and he breathes in.
"Why did you ignore me?"
"Why did you have your ex over without telling me?"
"So you admit that we are more than just fuck friends."
"That's not what I said."
"If you're just my fuck buddy, then why does it matter who I have over and don't have over? Why does it matter who I hang out with? Get real, Liliana. You have feelings for me."
"I didn't say that either!"
"So you don't? Then do me a favor and stop wasting my time."
"Jace, I.. how could you not know! Do I need to remind you what tatus means? I called you daddy for Christ sake!"
"So you do."
"Of course I do! I just don't know how! I don't know what to do, I don't know what I'm doing, I fucking suck at this, I'm not meant to be someone's girlfriend!"
"Shut up, just shut the fuck up and stop it. You are someone's girlfriend. I've thought of you as my girlfriend since the night you came into my room and we fucked the last time. So are we doing this?"
"That's what I was going to tell you, Jace, that that was what I wanted to do, but just seeing you with her makes me second guess your motives."
"I don't know what's happened but I can see why you would. We weren't black and white and I had planned on telling you after the fact- but all it is- is a project. We can work at the library if you don't want her in my room."
I look at him, his eyes earnest, I can't fight this any longer. I won't. I didn't want to come back because I knew this would be the way it fell. Ever since the day that we fell asleep together, I knew that this would happen. I close my eyes and try to fight the growing lump in my throat.
"Just kiss me, please."
He pulls me into his lap and our lips meet for the first time in a couple days. The lump in my throat is now anticipation curling in my belly, his warm mouth enveloping mine. My legs curl around his midsection in an effort to get closer, his hands pulling my shoulders to him. I could get used to this. My body is starving for the closeness that only he can provide. We tumble back onto my bed as he pulls away, but crushes me to his chest.
"I don't know what to do." I say, burying my face in his shirt.
"Then let me help you." He says this in the kindest tone I have ever heard anyone use with me. I wrap my legs tighter around him and kiss his neck, longingly.
"I had a bad relationship, Jace. A really bad one. One that fucked me up, and will continue to fuck me up for the rest of my life."
"He doesn't matter anymore, doll, the only thing that matters is you healing and us becoming stronger. You can tell me anything you want to, but you don't have to. I want to know you and know how to help you. Take as long as you need."
"Suffice it to say that I was taken advantage of in more than one way," I say, darkly. I'm not sure exactly how much of that situation I want to reveal. The only people that truly know are Lia and Osu, not even Sorin. Sorin knows bits and pieces, but not everything.
"Oh, leesi. You know you don't have to do this, that we don't have to do this this way. I don't want you to feel like you have to do something with me. Because you don't. You don't owe me anything."
"No, no, no, Jace. This is what I said that I wanted because it is. The difference in you and him is that I give myself to you, that I want my body to be yours, I want you to be in control. And Josu told me something that's true, that it's only mine to give, and this is me, saying I want to give it to you. Because I think this works for us, tatus. We make it work for us. I know you enjoy it and I do to, and that's what it's all about. Because I've learned something."
"What's that, my doll?"
"A single word can stop you. Just one. You will stop and we will fix the situation. A thousand words wouldn't have stopped him." It's the truth. I look down at my feet and he tips my head up, plants a soft kiss on my lips, and speaks.
"I won't let you down, Liliana, you have given me this gift and I will do right by you, I promise. Just know that you don't owe me anything, that anytime you want autonomy back, you can have it. Thank you for trusting me- I don't know the extent of what happened, but I know how hard it must be for you to trust me. So thank you."
"Jace?"
He cocks an eyebrow in response and I take a breath. If we're gonna do this? I wanna do this right.
"What's your middle name?"
He tucks a stray strand of hair behind my ear and smiles. He knows that I'm trying to get to know him, that I really want to do this, and that makes him happy.
"Joplin."
"I love it. JJ."
"If that's what you want to call me, doll." He can help but grin again.
"Are you finally going to answer my question, then?"
"Ha, and what's that?"
"What's your favorite color?"
About a week has passed when Jace texts me on his way home from work, saying not to make plans for after the wedding on Saturday. I smile, because it's been quite some time since I've been on an actual date.
Do I need to go get something to wear? Or are we just wearing our wedding clothes? Vomit.
Tatus is taking care of it. Just don't make plans.
I feel that this is a bit of a show of dominance, which I am okay with. I'm anxious to see what's going happen. It's been nearly a month since he's been in me and I'm not taking too kindly to it. I'm starting to get an ache below my waist. No self-pleasure, he had said at the beginning of the week, as if he read my mind. That's mine. Frustrated, I sent him back a smiley and resigned myself to the fact that I would explode soon. The agitating part of it all is that he sent me a video of him taking care of his problem, just to add insult to injury. That's mine, I had shot back.
I click around on my computer when I hear our shower start. That fuckbag, I think. He didn't even come say hi. Suddenly, I can't take it anymore. I pull my t-shirt and jeans off and walk into the bathroom. There is a door, not a curtain, and it is clear. Jace can see me. I can see him. His hand is wrapped around his manhood. That's why he didn't come say hi. He used his last bit of self-control to not jump my bones.
"Leesi, what are you doing in here?"
"I can't wait any more." I unclasp my undergarments and step into the water with him. I know that he doesn't have the control anymore, and we've made so much progress. I won't force him, but I'm pretty sure this is going to happen. I bring his hand down to my soaked center, feels the swollen bundle of nerves that needs him and he physically moans when he feels how aroused I am.
"Like feeling what the thought of your fat cock does to me? What you do to me, JJ? And it's only for you."
"Liliana, we agreed no sex.."
"I haven't jumped in nearly a week, unless you count that one time you snuck up on me from behind, which I would jump if anyone snuck up on me from behind." I get on my knees in front of him, and slowly stroke his member. He's not saying no, just biting his lip in pleasure. "Please, tatus. I need you. Please don't deny me any longer." I stick my lip out as my finger rubs circles on the head and my other hand massages him.
"Say it again," he says. I think for a second as to what he could be talking about. I smile.
"Please, tatus?"
"Please what?"
"My throat needs to feel your manhood, papi."
After what seems like an eternity, he obliges. He doesn't start out slow, but he out and out fucks my throat. Everytime I choke, it's punctuated with a moan from around him, which causes him to moan. I grab the back of his legs and steady myself, as he finally pushes himself in to the hilt. We finally did it- together. Even if it is uncomfortable, I know his pleasure is immeasurable and that is what I want. It's a good thing the water is on, because we would be extremely loud if it wasn't. He shuts off the water and helps me out, pointing to his room. It's dark and I can't see anything, everything is amped up because of it.
"Go kneel in the bay window. Face outside. "
"What?"
"Did I stutter?"
"No, sir," I squeak.
"Good girl."
I do so and he follows behind me. He runs a brush throughout my hair and pulls it into a ponytail, kissing on my neck and earlobe. I rub my legs together, desperate for some sort of friction where I need it most. He sees this, however, and his hand comes down in between my legs. Hard. I know I have to keep myself from yelping, so I bite down on my lip. My eyes are stinging but I feel a gush of wetness make its way from my body. His voice is in my ear, low and deadly.
"If you do that again, I'll do it even harder next time."
I think back to the little chat we had about ground rules at the beginning of the week. As of right now, the only ones are to refer to him in some sort of respectful manner, no touching, no cumming without permission. He told me to write anything down that I wanted or needed and I haven't had a chance to.
"Don't cum without permission, I don't want to bruise my leesi's pretty bum."
"You do, don't lie." That might have been a mistake, but Jace just laughs. "You and I both know you want this perfect ass over your knee, tatus."
"I'll keep that in mind on Friday when we play, doll. You're not wrong. Now spread, I'm going to take that dripping cunt of yours with my tongue."
He does so. Never would I have thought I would end up literally sitting on a man's face. He positions himself under me and my knees buckle with pleasure. He pulls off for the slightest second.
"Keep your knees tight and legs spread, or I'm going to blister your ass, Liliana."
His tongue is everywhere, all at once. He pulls my hand down and I know he wants me to help in my own pleasure. I do so, and it's about to become too much.
"Can I… please, please?"
He pulls off and picks me up, placing me on his bed.
"How do I want you?"
I take a wild guess and go with face down, ass up. That's what most men like, anyways. I feel Jace smile as his hands traverse my body, breasts, hips, everything. I feel him position himself at my entrance and push back on to him, both of us groaning in pleasure, as for the first time in a month, we are together. However, he pulls out and his hand pinches the soft bud on my breast as a response.
"So needy for it, doll. Are you tatus' little cock whore? Because I'm about to make you feel like you are. Are you going to be a good girl for me?"
"I promise, just please…"
His hand starts rubbing circles on my clit before he even enters. He knows he's torturing me. I whimper at him and before he takes me, he speaks.
"I want you to cum the second this cock enters your body, Liliana Raelynn. Not a second before, not one after. Understand?"
"Yes, papi."
He speeds up his fingers and I can already feel myself getting close. Then, quick as a flash, he takes me with his full length and girth. His hand pushes my head into the bed to muffle the noise that he knew was inevitable. No time to adjust to the full feeling, and because of that, I did exactly what he asked of me. His moans penetrate the quiet night , giving me a boost of confidence. His thrusts are hard and unrelenting, and I know he's going to be getting close soon, too.
"Good girl," he says, "You're amazing. You're going to cum again before I do, leesi."
I can't manage words, just whimpers. I do indeed feel my body clench around his manhood as he pours into me. I take a breath in as he pulls out of me, both of us collapsing.
"My god, you're so good and this, JJ."
"Only because you are, too."
The next morning, I extract myself from Jace's arms to make him breakfast before he goes to work. I know he likes cinnamon rolls, but he honestly needs something a bit more filling, plus I don't feel like hearing Dad bitch about cinnamon rolls again. As I'm padding around the kitchen, looking for stuff to make omelets with, I hear feet behind me. Thinking it's Jace, I turn around. I'm surprised, it isn't Jace. It's Emmara.
"Hey, Lili, can I talk to you…"
