January 23
Number of cigarettes: 24, though now out and in very foul mood because of it
Number of times pacing the hallway: 74 or thereabouts
Am currently experiencing a crisis of epic, earth-shattering proportions, the individual parts of which have come together in some sort of cosmic bitch-slap.
-Xu is in hospital
-Seifer is in hospital
-Table is in splinters
-Ceiling is leaking
-East-facing window is shattered
-Out of cigarettes
The morning began much as it always does, with Killer Bee kneading my belly through the blanket, her purrs a prelude to the first movement of Xu's pre-noon opera of destruction. I was extremely tired, both from a grueling 14 hour day teaching whip basics to a new class of spring term students and from the toll that lessons for beginners always take, as my arms and legs were criss-crossed with a series of whip-lashes from which I hoped to spend the morning recovering. As I tried to have a lie-in, I heard Xu's usual "Fuck me, who let the sun up again?" as she stumbled to the kitchen to make coffee.
It was after I heard the very singular ring of fist meeting mandibular flesh that I remembered that Seifer had spent the night again, tending to my lashes with his tongue, and his presence was slightly less-than-welcomed by my room-mate and confidante.
Killer Bee seemed smugly amused by my attempts to untangle myself from my blankets, almost as if saying that it was useless to intervene, as they were destined to kill each other anyway and possibly spill the milk from Seifer's cereal onto the floor. I was exhausted and sore, and certainly in no mood to mop up blood again from another of their squabbles.
"Why are you here AGAIN?"
"I'm eating, you crazy bitch!"
"I'll give you something to eat, alright..."
Am fairly sure that I heard Seifer choke on his cornflakes, as he has a truly charming way of squeaking when he's embarrassed and only Xu has the ability to make him blush.
There were quite a few crashes at this point, most of which were my collection of coffee mugs being lodged into the sheetrock by former-championship-pitcher Xu in the general direction of the head of former-favorite-student Seifer. As I value my caffeine more than I value the health and well-being of my friends (since coffee is expensive and one can go down the street to any seedy bodega to get a potion to repair a few simple lacerations) I felt that it was time I end this fight.
"Stop this right now!"
Am benevolent fairy descending from stardust and moonbeam glittered bower to teach mortal children that war is never the answer.
Am angel of mercy, a balm to the brows of my war-weary compatriots.
Am also bruised from jumping between Seifer and Xu and being rewarded for my efforts by being struck in the shoulder by an airborne bottle of Ursa honey in a very cute teddy bear shape, the bastards.
"Umm...Trepe?"
Was dripping in honey at this point and was very unhappy about it. I was quite put out to be in the middle of a rapidly spreading puddle of sticky nectar. Was also very unhappy to discover that honey was dripping into various nether-regions, as I had tumbled out of bed in a great hurry and had neglected to dress myself.
Was pleased to discover that fight had ended and was being regarded with something like the awe normally reserved for deities of the pretty sort that are featured in marble statuary and art history texts.
"Stop what, Q?"
Xu's hand was limp and her jaw was hanging open. She seemed to come to herself when I crossed my arms and assumed what I like to think of as my stern face, finally snapping my fingers in front of her nose.
"This fighting. Stop it, I say! I'm beyond tired and I'm trying to sleep!"
"We weren't fighting, were we, Xu?"
Became suspicious at this point, as Seifer put his arm around Xu's shoulder and she made no attempt to gnaw it off, as she did at holiday party when Selphie tried to take our photo.
"You were. I can see your nose bleeding. And I think that Xu has broken a finger."
Xu elbowed Seifer in the ribs. I would have thought this normal, had Seifer not returned the gesture with a nod, which was singular in itself, as they had never agreed on anything.
"What the hell is going on? Why aren't you trying to kill each other?"
"You asked us to stop."
Even Killer Bee seemed a bit frightened, as they answered in unison and their voices melded together surprisingly well, making it seem as if Xu might have junctioned Seifer. Or Seifer junctioned Xu, which seemed a bit scarier to my mind, as I've always imagined that Xu would happily be a horned demonic guardian force if given the opportunity and Seifer would simply be a shining naked version of himself, as he is vain and fond of showing off. Regardless, Killer Bee hid in my bedroom while they advanced on me with very strange hypnotized expressions.
It was somewhere between Seifer lifting me on the kitchen table and Xu licking away trails of honey that I realized that I am sex goddess supreme and all shall look upon me as golden divinity sent to earth to end global conflict. Am now aware that leaping into a fray stark naked from previous night's exertions has ability to end any battle, provided that said stark naked self is covered from head to toe in teddy bear honey.
To say that all exhaustion was forgotten would be incorrect, as my exhaustion wasn't forgotten so much as banished to the four corners of hell where it was summarily burned away by the fiery tongues of a pair of sex demons.
This proved to be a mistake, as forgetting my exhaustion is a very bad thing. Exhaustion and injury lead to my body defending herself, and as Seifer and Xu are fond of nibbling, my body decided to mistake their rather pleasant bites as attacks, and began to explode in an effort to eliminate said threats.
Am writing this in hospital waiting room, as Xu has wound in shoulder and Seifer has a giant hole through his hand from one of my many automatic nipple bullets. I smoked the last of my cigarettes ten minutes ago, and am lamenting the fact that I forgot to grab my purse on way to hospital.
Shall murder the pair of them for making me shoot them, as I have very little control over direction of mammary cannons and should not be sitting here waiting arrival of police while they lie in an elixir-high in the surgical recovery rooms.
