February 2
Number of prayers made to Hyne: 4
Number of cigarettes hastily smoked out of classroom window: 7
Number of bruises from over-zealous sister: 8, possibly more in v. near future, as said Sister was staring at me with bloodlust in her eyes again.
After a series of events last week that Xu lovingly refers to as "The Greatest Day of Her Life", and the police like to call "File 17-A, The City of Balamb vs Quistis Trepe", I decided that it was in my best interest to seek religion. V. important, this, as part of parole agreement requires community service as means of avoiding jail time, and Balamb's Sisters in the Service of Hyne had v. convenient community in need of service.
Note to self: visions of self in seductive form-fitting habit, while excellent fodder for Xu's imagination, thus excellent incentive for various favors, are not realistic and must be shoved to nether regions of mind, where entire lifetime of memories (like 6th birthday party and clown sent from depths of abyss) are stored in hopes of eventual mental destruction.
Second note to self: sleep with light on, and in Xu's bed, possibly with handgun and teddy bear. Recall what therapist said last week. Repeat soothing mantra to self before bedtime. Take shot of whiskey as well, as soothing mantra transformed into terrified screams when therapist was proven to be full of shit after last week's session. Repression and alcoholism seem to be far healthier than acceptance. Certainly leads to fewer nightmares.
Did not expect to be tardy for community service, and did not expect to enter argument regarding definition of truancy with hard-nosed sister upon arrival to assigned classroom.
Figured would aid inner city children in boisterous sing-along, thus winning national championship and recognition for poverty-stricken religious school, or would charm heartbroken widower after earning trust of his brood of seemingly spoiled but ultimately affection-starved blonde clones and become benevolent mother figure and treasured wife, as per cinematic example.
Figured also that would be serving lemon cookies baked by kindly wise woman, assisting her in warm, though appropriately industrial kitchen, perhaps with flour on forehead and sweat of cheerful earnestness upon brow.
Most certainly did not expect to be struck across knuckles with ruler for attire, as had dressed in usual teaching uniform and felt over-dressed for baking lemon cookies in subterranean dungeon with old religious nutbag bitch.
"Cover your knees, you gap-legged gutter-slut."
Have never, despite years of prayer on said knees, been a gap-legged gutter-slut. Looked to her protégé for assistance, as younger, more attractive sister seemed less inclined to belt me with bit of wood.
"What's wrong with my knees? I'm wearing hose. "
First blow to knuckles occurred after lifting hem of skirt to show that I was indeed wearing hose, matte, as sheer seemed inappropriate for religious institution.
"We're here in the service of Hyne, not the service of whatever sailors are willing to jeopardize their moral and physical health by sinking their anchors in your foul waters, missy!"
Second blow to knuckles occurred when I stated that I did not know any sailors, though I had certainly spent a fair amount of time in the company of mercenaries.
"Keep your sinful mouth closed and see to these floors before the boys get here for their class."
Had brush and bucket shoved into hands and was sent to clean floors. Spent better part of four hours on sinful knees, as impossible to clean floors otherwise. My experiment in attaching scrub brush to shoe as floor-cleaning wonder skate as per example of Satuday morning cartoon characters ended in failure. Favorite white blouse is fit for the trash now as well, having been doused in wave of dirty mop water when sister returned to class and kicked bucket in effort to expedite matters.
"Ten minutes, you filthy trollop. Class begins at 8, sharp. If you would spend more time on your knees in service to the Great Hyne instead of those soldiers you entertain in your bawdyhouse, you'd be done by now."
Struck across knuckles again when students began filing into classroom earlier than anticipated and cold from frigid ice water drew their attention to my now-ruined outfit.
"So this is how you teach in that 'school' of yours, is it?"
Was prevented from answering when four boys crashed into sister and caused her to topple into face-first into my rack of sin. Would have considered this great victory against Hyne and his wicked she-devil minions, but drawing the gaze of a miniature army of miniature men seemed a trifle shallow. Am convinced that my chest has powers of repulsion, as sister shook her finger at me in promise of more beatings to come, then left me with said mini army to shame my way through the lesson.
"It helps if you just nod and hang your head in contrition."
Ah, the kind assistant! Bless her, oh Hyne, for she took over the teaching duties while I stuck my head out the window and had a quick smoke.
And then another.
"Is she always like that?"
Kind assistant would not look at me during duration of lesson. Spent entirety of class avoiding me, in fact, which was rather offensive until I realized that kind assistant turned red in much the same way Xu does when I walk nude through apartment in search of clothes.
"Only with pretty women."
Definitely a sister in service of the wrong god, then. Felt it my holy duty to introduce kind assistant to Xu, as her birthday is fast approaching and she has weak spot for blondes.
"What's your name, sister?"
"Oh, we don't have names here. We just have numbers."
Perfect. Xu keeps a very close tally of her conquests, though she's shit for remembering names. Seems that she calls them all my name by mistake. Has made for a great many indignant voicemails left for both of us. She remembers every number, though. Seems that Hyne has blessed them both.
Began a lengthy conversation with sweet, kind Number 43, during which I learned that she has yet to complete her training and is not yet bound to rules of fanatics, so she can conceivably still escape to world outside and indulge in sin that is much more fun than the sort prohibited by religious instruction.
Was unable to steal sweet Number 43 from convent, though, as Mother Bitch herself once more descended upon class and announced that my time was up and I was to be sent once more into the den of wickedness and idolatry that was the outside world. Was summarily kicked out with certificate stating completion of all 140 hours community service, in spite of having completed only 12.
Have very strong feeling that I am not wanted back in the service of Hyne.
Must remind Xu that she also owes community service to City of Balamb and would be wise to enter into Hyne's service in my stead to complete said punishment. Should work out well, as Xu fears no godly comeuppance and will pile-drive horrible sister, especially if innocent blonde in habit is divine reward.
