Ch 5

"Doctor..." River whispered, putting her hand on his shoulder.

His head turned a little, indicating he'd heard the sound. Her breath caught, her words stuck in her throat. He turned, reaching out to the space in front of him, which was still just air to him.

She closed her eyes as his hand passed through her cheek, silent tears rolling down her them. "You still can't see me, can you..." She whispered.

He shook his head, at a loss for words. She broke down into silent cries, turning her back to him. "How are you here?" He whispered.

"It's the TARDIS..." She whispered back.

"You're... saved?" He clarified, mind travelling back to Darillium and the Library.

"Yes, I- I think so."

He almost smiled. "Please tell me I'm not dreaming."

"I don't think you're dreaming, my love." She whispered.

"Amelia could see you. She could talk to you." He said, urging her to explain what the girl couldn't.

She shook her head, "That's because Amelia's mind was open to seeing me."

He wasn't sure how to respond to that. Did she think he didn't want her back? "It's harder for them to understand your death when they've only just found out... I've known for a while and you died in my arms."

"But you still can't see me. I'm talking to you now and your mind is still closed to the thought of me." She breathed.

He could hear the hurt in her voice. "It's hard to remake the connection when our mental link was broken the way it was. I don't even know where you are, where to focus on."

"Right..." Her voice was thick, and she began to move away from him.

"River, tell me where to focus." He pleaded softly.

"No, Doctor...I can't."

"W-why?" He begged.

"Because you not being able to see me means you've already started moving on and I don't want to hold you back from that." She breathed.

"It's been hardly a day. I want you back as much as the girls do." He insisted, voice breaking. "I don't want to move on." He'd been pushed to for months, though. River had been telling him to move on for so long, that it was all he could do keep it together for the girls.

"If that's really true, then you would be able to see me." She sniffed a bit.

"I'm trying. I'm really trying." He closed his eyes, focusing again. "But there's blockage." It didn't seem to be caused by their of them, probably MIssy.

"Then that's something you need to figure out." She whispered, not realizing that it wasn't from him.

"I don't know how." He choked. "Please, I need you."

"No, you need to do this yourself. It's something I can't help you with."

He swallowed. "Will you stay with me, then?"

"If you want." She breathed, her voice trembling slightly.

"I wouldn't have asked if I didn't." She was no longer looking at him. "...Unless you want to stay with the girls." He added quietly.

"I can stay with you for a bit." She whispered.

This time he did smile, though weak as it was. He moved to sit on the cot. "I don't know how to convince Freya to like Arthur."

"You just have to give her time." She murmured, "She needs to adapt to the change."

He nodded, imagining and hoping that she was there sitting next to him. River was on the other side of the room, sitting on the floor, not looking at him. She didn't say anything for a bit, sitting in silence.

"Are you still there?" He asked after a while.

"Yes, I'm still here." She murmured.

He let out a breath of relief. By this point, he'd added up that she thought he'd moved on already. The truth was far from it, but he didn't have much of a way to convince her otherwise that something (besides death) was blocking their connection. "You're connected to the TARDIS right now... can you see if Missy is still on board?" He didn't want to find her with the girls or messing with the wires. He wanted her gone.

"Yeah, sure..." She sighed, falling silent to run through the TARDIS before coming back to him, "I think she's gone. I can't see her."

"Good, thank you. I just... have a feeling that she's going to pop up when my guard is down." He explained.

"I understand." She nodded, though he couldn't see her, "I'll warn you if she comes back on the ship." Her voice sounded deflated and she was starting to feel like she was just his computer system.

"Thank you." He looked at the space next to him as if she was there. "...I love you."

"Doctor..." She sighed.

"...Yes?" He frowned slightly.

"Please, don't..." She shook her head.

"Don't... love you?" He asked, confused.

"Don't say it! Please! You need to keep moving on, and my being here isn't helping." Her voice shook, "I should go..."

"No, please don't go." He begged.

She didn't really have anywhere to go, the TARDIS wouldn't let her fade, but she could leave him. "I have to. I can't hold you all back like this."

"It's hardly been a day. Any sort of 'progress' you think we've made is going to be minuscule." He stood, eyes alert and panic filled. She didn't answer him, crying quietly into her hands. "Are you still there? River?" He stepped to the side, then forwards, not exactly sure where to be looking.

She didn't answer him, knowing that since he couldn't see her, he would think she'd have left.

"Please, no. Not again. Don't leave me again." He spent a good few minutes pacing around, scanning every nanometer of the room as if it might show her form, all the while muttering about needing her back. When his search produced no evidence of her, he plopped back onto the cot in defeat, not bothering to fight against the tears anymore.

River stayed in the corner of the room, sobbing silently.

The door reopened and Vastra came in, checking wearily if the coast was clear. The Doctor could hardly see his friend through his blurred and watered down vision.

"What happened?" Vastra asked softly, kneeling down next to him.

"Ah-Amelia was right." He managed.

She frowned, "What? What are you talking about?"

"River's co-consciousness." He breathed shakily. "Save to the-the TARDIS. My wife, my wife..."

Vastra's eyes grew wide, "Are you sure?"

He nodded. "Sh-she's on the scan."

"Does this mean we can bring her back?" She asked, looking up at the monitors.

"I don't know if the TARDIS can make a viable body." He had managed to steady his words, though his breathing was still pieced together. "She wants us to move on."

"Are you going to at least try to bring her back?" Vastra pressed.

"Of course I am." He replied quietly, tears flowing silently now.

"How do we do it then?" She was eager to try and help her friends, hating to see them suffering so much.

"Uh," He scrubbed his hand over his face, trying to wipe his eyes. "A genetic sample to start. The old girl can build an organic body from that exactly like her old one."

"And what do we do with her old one?" She asked.

"It still needs to be burned." He whispered hoarsely. "We can't mend it or revive it."

"So then we'll do just that." She touched his arm, "Everything is going to be okay."

"But it's not." He wavered. "I have no idea how long it will take to generate a body for her, let alone it if will work and even then I have no idea how to put her consciousness back." He put his hands over his face. "She thinks I don't love her anymore because I can't see her but I'm trying as hard as I can. I think Missy's screwed with the TARDIS."

"Then why don't we go look and see what she did?"

He sniffed. "What about the girls?"

"Jack is with them. They're alright." Vastra encouraged. He nodded, rubbing his eyes again. "Doctor, this is a chance to get her back. Are you not happy?" She asked, confused as to why he wasn't more excited.

"It's the best news I've had in days." He tried to smile. "I'm just... she thinks I don't love her." He repeated.

Vastra thought for a minute, "Doctor, I'm sure she's hurting just as much as you right now. She's stuck in a world that's neither here nor there. She wants you to be happy, but she doesn't want to be left behind either."

"I don't want to leave her behind. I want her back." He looked up, eyes red but sincere.

"Then tell her that. Tell her exactly how you feel."

"I can't. She's gone somewhere. I tried to tell her I loved her, and she left somewhere." He looked at the floor.

"Have you tried to locate her on the monitor?"

He shook his head, suddenly feeling like an idiot. He'd been so distraught that he hadn't even thought to check. That and he was giving River her privacy. "Will you check for me?" He hadn't yet the energy to move.

Vastra nodded, going over to the monitor and refreshing locater, "She's in the hall, right outside this room."

He brightened, just a bit that she hadn't gone far. He stood, and went to the hall through the door that had reappeared. "River?"

River looked up, but didn't answer, though soft sniffs could be heard coming from where she was sitting. He sat next to the sound, putting his hand down in hopes it was near hers. "I'm sorry about before."

She looked down at his hand, placing her hands on his, though it passed right through, "Why are you apologizing?"

"Because I don't think I said the right thing." He murmured. She fell silent again. "Well actually, it's more of what I didn't say." He corrected. "I've been so... well I haven't been myself lately." There was no need for explanation behind that. "And I think it got in the way and clouded how I... reacted."

"You don't have to do this." She whispered.

"I don't. But I want to." He looked in her direction, features soft. "I want you to understand that knowing you're still here is the best news I've had in a long time. I want you to know that I'm going to do absolutely everything I can to build you a body and get you back. I want you to know that I know how hard and scary it must be being stuck the way you are."

"But I don't want to hold you back from living your life."

"River, you are what gives me life. Having you gone has felt like, like drowning on dry land. You're not holding me back, you're pulling me forwards."

"I'm sorry." She wrapped her arms around herself.

"Don't be." He encouraged. "Because I'm going to bring you back. I know that I can now, though it will be hard."

"And what if it doesn't work?"

"I'm not sure." He shrugged. "The TARDIS will probably let you go, then."

"Let me go? What do you mean let me go?" She sounded alarmed.

"She's storing your consciousness, but she's also keeping it well and actualizing it so we can speak." He explained. "It's like you're caught in her safety net, and she has the power to release you. But she won't unless everything we try to bring you back fails."

"So if you can't bring me back, then I won't be worth keeping around?! She'll just dump me like I'm nothing?" She stood, backing away from him.

"No, no! That's not at all what I meant!" He tried to amend quickly. "Would it not be cruel to keep you in limbo? I want you to stay as much as you want to be back, but the TARDIS doesn't necessarily have the ability to keep you for years on end."

She shook her head, crying quietly. She had thought that even though she wasn't truly alive anymore, she would at least get to see her children grow up, but it appeared that that would no longer be true.

"River... there's still hope..." He murmured, trying to sound assuring. "There's still options."

"I'm dead! There are no other options!"

"You're still here, so there are." He kept his tone grounded.

"Please stop." River was shaking now.

"...Why?" She didn't answer, willing the TARDIS to let her disappear. "River?" He asked again, praying she hadn't disappeared again. "River, please, are you there? I need you to know I could be able to bring you back and I'm going to hang on to that until you're in my arms with beating hearts."

She was sobbing silently, begging the TARDIS to let her go. The TARDIS didn't oblige, but she moved her to the room the girls were in. This only made her more upset. She didn't want the girls to see her now, not like this.

Freya and Amelia were asleep, Jack watching them like a guard dog. River relaxed a bit when she saw the girls were asleep. Jack couldn't see her as he wasn't connected with the TARDIS, but sensed some sort of presence and straightened his back, quite alert.

River was staring at the baby in his arms, circling around the room so she could stand in front of him. Arthur, who unlike his sisters, was awake, and immediately saw River when she came into few. He made a small, excited noise.

"Hello, my darling baby." River smiled, tracing a finger along his cheek. He made a high pitched, delighted sound, turning his head to her like he could feel her finger. She smiled, leaning in to kiss his forehead.

Jack stared down at Arthur, confused as to what was making the boy so happy.

"I love you, Arthur." River whispered, nuzzling his cheek.

"Muh! Uu-ooh." He babbled back, earning a raised eyebrow from Jack.

"Mmm, yes." River laughed, completely ignoring Jack, "I wish I could hold you, my sweet."

He pouted when she said that, wanting her contact. "Uh!" His sound was more upset.

"It's alright, my sweet. You can pretend to hold my finger if you'd like." She whispered, holding her pointer finger out to him.

He grabbed at the holographic digit, attempting to pull it to his face. Her finger followed his motion, her eyes sparkling. He nuzzled close to her hand, almost able to feel her leaned close to give him another kiss on the cheek.

"At least you're not crying anymore." Jack muttered.

"I love you so, so much." She murmured to Arthur.

"Nnn!" He gurgled, trying his mental connection to her. River couldn't understand what he was saying, as her connection no longer worked in the way that it used to. He started to whimper. "Nuh, nnh!"

"Oh, now you're upset?" Jack started to rock him.

"I'm sorry, my darling." River whispered, stroking his head. He squirmed and wiggled his whole arm free, reaching for her.

His sudden movement startled her, as it appeared he was falling, and she instinctively jumped to catch him. While her hands went right through him, Jack quickly repositioned Arthur to a more sturdy position. "Hey, no falling alright? Your mother would have my head. Twice."

Tears stung in River's eyes as she remembered that she would never get to hold her children again. The boy started crying, though it was most quiet that normal. "I'm sorry." River whispered. "I'm so, so sorry."

Amelia started to stir at her brother's crying. River was about to say something to comfort Arthur, when she felt her body tingling. Amelia sat right up, looking at River. "Mummy?"

River couldn't answer, her mind drawing blank as the tingling feeling grew more into a burning sensation. The room disappeared around her, though it wasn't the TARDIS or even the Doctor pulling her away. She tried to concentrate, trying to figure out what was going on. The burning became more intense until it felt like being ripped apart. Everything around her was suddenly blindingly bright, and then she was gone.