[A/N: I'm going to put a trigger warning here (a bit spoiler-y, but if you have trigger's you should read): There are a lot of themes around abortion, unwanted pregnancy, and unhealthy relationships (== this theme starts off very mild and will grow to extremes later, aka, calling out on emotional pressuring and manipulation, so sorry!) in this and in a lot of future chapters so read at your own discretion.]
Ch 16
River was greeted at Vatsra's house with the tea she'd been earlier promised. River pulled her bags out of the TARDIS, then moved to hug her friend, "Is it horrible that I've just left my family?"
"I wouldn't call this leaving them. You have intent of returning, don't you?" Vastra asked. "This is simply... A break for mental recuperation and a lot of the time that is most effective when away from family." She added.
She nodded, "Yes, I suppose you're right."
Vastra smiled, "Why don't you sit down, relax a little, and tell me all you didn't over the phone."
River sat, sitting down across from Vastra, taking her tea. She closed her eyes, sitting back and gathering her thoughts before speaking again, "What would you like to know?"
"Over the phone, you said you didn't expect it to happen so soon. Was the child intentional?"
"Yes, in a way." She murmured, "We talked about it, and we agreed it was something we both wanted, though I don't think I gave myself enough time to consider it."
"And now it's something you don't want?" Vastra asked.
"I don't know." She sighed, taking a long sip of her tea, "There are some days when I'm so happy that there'll be another one, but most days...I don't want our family to change."
"Are you implying that you think another child will create a negative change?"
She nodded slowly, "The girls don't seem to want another sibling, and we already have so much less time with them now that we have Arthur...I don't think I made a wise decision."
"How far along are you?" Vastra set down her tea.
"Nearly four months." She whispered. Under linear circumstances she'd be just over two months, but River had been taking the TARDIS out for days at a time and coming back only seconds after she left.
"And when did you discover you were pregnant?"
"Almost immediately." She glanced down at her tea, "I was running tests to check my fertility levels two or three weeks after we started trying and..."
"I see." She seemed to be pondering. "Pardon my asking, but did you try anything to... intervene?"
"What do you mean?" Her eyes flickered back to meet her friends.
Vastra hesitated, trying to keep her words delicate. "Have you done anything to... stop this pregnancy."
There was a long pause before she answered, her gaze once again no longer meeting Vastra's, "I considered it...and I almost did, but..." She sighed, ashamed of her response, "If the Doctor ever found out, I can't imagine what he would say. He would be so upset..."
Vastra reached her hand across the table in a comforting gesture. "When you do tell him, what state of mind would you like yourself to be in?"
"I'd like to be more accepting of the situation, but I'm starting to fear that that will not be the case."
"You came here to change how you feel. You want this change to happen and therefore, with effort, it will. As your friend, I want to help you achieve this as best I can however I can. ...Does the Doctor know you're here?" She added the question.
"Yes," River nodded, "I told him I was helping you with a case and that it wouldn't take more than a week."
"Though if you need some more time, the TARDIS is at your disposable." Vastra pointed out.
"Yes, but I'm afraid time isn't on my side in this situation. I'm already starting to show, and the longer I wait to tell him, the more upset the Doctor will be that I kept it from him."
"We'll work quickly then. But your progress won't stop when you leave. This will be something you need to work on continuously through this pregnancy." Vastra informed her.
"I know." She breathed, drinking the last of her tea.
"Feeling a little better?"
"Physically? Yes. Mentally?" She sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose, "I don't know yet."
"Well I only meant physically. Why don't you go with Jenny and she'll help you settle in the guest room." Vastra offered.
She nodded, "Thank you."
Jenny took River's bags and led her to the guest room. She helped set up the bed and show River where things were before letting her have some privacy.
River unpacked her things slowly, before sitting on the bed, trying to collect her thoughts and work through everything that was happening. It seemed like a short time, but must have been longer since Vastra came in after a while saying that dinner was ready. River nodded, going downstairs with her to eat with the rest of the group.
Afterwards, Vastra and River continued their conversation, going into depths on all that they could.
"Have you had any prenatal care yet?" Vastra asked at one point.
"No, not really. I've taken a few supplements here and there, but not as much as I should be taking."
"Strax and I can help out with that while you're here. He can even do an ultrasound." She offered.
"I don't want anyone besides you knowing." River shook her head, "I don't want anyone else knowing before the Doctor does."
"If that is the case, I can operate Strax's equipment on my own. If you'd like me to, that is."
She nodded slowly, "I suppose that would be alright."
"We can start the tomorrow if you're tired." Vastra suggested.
She shook her head, "No, I'm not tired." She was about to say something more when Jenny popped in.
"Professor Song, your children are on the line."
"Oh, excuse me one moment, Vastra." River jumped up, going to talk to the girls.
They greeted her jubilantly on the other end. Getting to use the phone was a treat to them. They told her that the Doctor said they could go to school the next day but Arthur was still sick so Clara was going to take them.
"That sounds wonderful! Make sure you ask your teacher about what you missed. Have you eaten dinner yet?"
"Daddy made our favorite!" Frey a chirped.
"Oh, good!" She smiled, "Remember to brush your teeth before you go to sleep."
"Will you be home tomorrow?" Amelia interrupted.
"No, I'm afraid not, my love."
"Aw!" They both pouted.
"I promise I'll be home soon, just not tomorrow." She whispered.
"The next day?" They asked hopefully.
"Probably not. I probably won't be home until next week."
"But that's so long!" They complained. "Arthur's never been without you for that long."
"I'll try to get home sooner." River soothed.
"We'll take care of him." Freya promised.
"Thank you my sweet." She smiled, "You two should get to bed now, you have to get up early for school."
"Daddy wants a turn first." Amelia said.
"Alright, go brush your teeth and pick out a book while you wait for him"
They nodded. "G'night mummy! Love you!" With that they handed the phone off to their father.
"How's the baby?" River asked, once he got on the phone.
"He tired himself out an hour ago. My guess is that he'll wake me up tonight, though." The Doctor responded.
"Did you put his blanket in the crib with him? He may not wake you up if you did." She tried to offer.
"I did, but if he throws up on it it won't do any good to my sleep."
She sighed, feeling guilty for leaving him alone with the three kids, "I'm sorry. Do you need me to come home?"
"No, I can handle it." He tried to say with as much confidence as he could. "Don't worry yourself over it."
"Are you sure?" She asked, one hand falling to her stomach.
"Absolutely." He grinned through the phone. "Just you watch, he'll be back to health by the time you come back."
She smiled, "I'm sure he will be."
"Maybe you'll be better too. I know Vastra's got herbs to help with the flu." He recalled.
She laughed weakly, "Yes, she's already got me drinking all sorts of teas."
He chuckled. "Good thing you like tea."
"Yes, it's a good thing." She felt a sudden lurch in her stomach, the feeling nearly causing her to drop the phone.
The girls called him in the background. "The girls are calling, I guess I have to go now."
"Okay." She breathed, "I'll talk to you tomorrow."
"Love you." He murmured.
"I love you too." River clicked off, going back to finish talking with Vastra.
"How is your family?" Vastra asked on her return.
"They're doing fine. It sounds like the girls are doing better, but Arthur's still sick." She sat down, her mind still on her family.
"Is this the first time your son's gotten sick?"
She nodded, "I shouldn't have left him..."
"It's only natural to worry, but I'm sure the Doctor will contact you if there are any problems." Vasra tried to comfort.
She shook her head, "I was so selfish to leave..." She buried her head in her hands, "I need to go back."
"Now, River..." Vastra reached her hand over. "You're not being selfish. you're making sure you're okay and by doing so you're being selfless to the child you are now carrying. I know that you care for your family and I'm sure you want to make sure this baby will have love from its mother. That's exactly why you're here." She offered a smile. "Stay the night, if you please? If you still feel this was in the morning that you should pack."
"Okay." River took a deep breath, trying to calm down, "I'll stay the night..."
"...Do you still want the ultrasound?" She asked.
"Yes. That would be nice." River nodded.
"Go lie down in your room, I'll get the equipment."
"Thank you."
Vastra stood, going to find Strax. River headed back to her room and lay down. Vastra joined a short while later, explaining that Strax had been reluctant to give up the equipment.
She nodded, "This will be the first time I'm actually going to see the baby."
Vastra smiled softly, hoping this would help River to her goal. She quickly set up the mechanism, placing it on River's middle. A projection of the fetus immediately sprung up from it.
As soon as the image was up, River closed her eyes, her body tensing. Vastra didn't notice for a moment, looking over the projection. "The fetus appears to be in fine health-... River, are you not going to look?"
"I don't want to. I can't."
Vastra brought her hand down and brushed River's shoulder comfortingly. "Why not?"
"I don't want to see it." She repeated.
"River... please just open your eyes." She urged.
"I can't do this without him."
Vastra silenced herself and stopped pushing, instead nodding and turning back to the examination. "The child is a bit small for how far along you are. I can get you started on prenatal vitamins."
She nodded, "Alright, if you must."
"You can tell the Doctor that they're something for the flu." She turned off the device and took it off River's stomach.
"Yes I suppose that'll do for a few days." She said with a sigh.
"It's... alright to open your eyes now." River slowly opened her eyes, relaxing. "You can keep this if you want." Vastra offered the device. "Less bulky than an ultrasound. I'm sure the Doctor will find it useful when you're ready to fill him in."
"Oh, no I don't want to take your machine." River shook her head.
"It's not mine, it belongs to Strax. But he won't miss it. He's got plenty of other toys." She insisted.
"Alright, if you insist."
Vastra smiled. "I'll leave you for the night. You need to rest."
"Goodnight, Vastra. Thank you for everything."
"My pleasure." She murmured, then left.
River curled up on her bed, trying to get a good night's rest.
The morning brought sunlight and smells of breakfast filtering into River's room. It was quiet and peaceful with the occasional bit of bird song. River hadn't gotten much sleep, spending most of the night up worrying about Arthur. She had re-packed her bags, then un-packed then re-packed once more. She was currently pacing the room, dressed in Victorian attire with a corset cinched tightly around her waist.
It was Vastra who came to see if she was awake, knocking on the door.
"Come in." River called sighing as she looked for her earring under the bed.
Vastra kept her expression warm as she entered, though faltered slightly when she saw River. "A corset? I don't think that's the most wise choice given your condition."
"I need it, my dresses won't fit without it." She murmured, avoiding her gaze.
She approached River with a soft tone. "Then we'll buy you looser ones and you may borrow a dress of mine."
"But I don't want anyone to see it." She breathed, "I'm not ready to see it." She was referring to the bump that was becoming more visible by the day.
"My clothes with be loose enough until you get a dress that fits, and I'll make sure the tailor adjusts it to your wants. You may wear a coat or shawl in the meantime if it will make you feel more comfortable." She suggested.
She sighed, sitting down on the bed, hand brushing across her stomach, "A corset can't be that bad yet..."
Vastra sat next to her. "There is a reason your dresses don't fit correctly and needing to bind down to hide it is only further proving that you're at the point where a corset is damaging." She was careful not to use the word 'baby' or anything the like.
"I'm probably not fitting into my dresses because I've been eating terrible foods lately." She tried to reason, "It's too early for me to be very big."
"Food doesn't grow that fast. Denying what is in front of you is not healthy for either of you. You're 15 weeks, aren't you?" "Just about..." She breathed, "But I'm not usually this big at this point."
"Only the more reason to take caution sooner rather than later." Vastra urged.
She sighed, "I don't understand how I can be this size when you said yesterday that the baby was small."
"Small baby doesn't always equate to small belly." She explained. "If you've been wearing the corset for as long as I think you have, than your body would take upon itself to protect the fetus and shield it; padding if you will. The more you wear the corset, the more your body tries to protect and the less room there is for the child."
River buried her head in her hands, suddenly feeling an overwhelming desire to see the Doctor, "Alright, I'll take it off."
Vastra put a hand on River's shoulder. "Thank you. There's breakfast waiting... when you're ready."
She nodded, waiting until Vastra was gone before heading to the TARDIS, not taking off her corset just yet. She wanted to go see the Doctor first.
