Ch 17

River made sure the TARDIS was silent, landing in the middle of the day when the girls would be at school and Arthur would be napping. Arthur was napping with the Doctor today, settled on this father's chest on the couch. Both were snoring softly.

River smiled softly at the scene, feeling a warmth in her stomach. She walked quietly over to her two boys, kissing the Doctor's head.

He shifted his head and stirred, eyes opening and lips curling into a smile. "Am I dreaming?"

"I'm afraid not." She smiled back at him, eyes shining.

"Well, it's just was pleasant either way." He whispered. "What are you doing home so early?"

"I'm not coming home just yet. I'm afraid this is only a quick visit since I missed you so terribly." She pressed a kiss to his cheek.

He turned his head and caught her lips. "Mm, I'm just that irresistible, aren't I."

"Yes, something like that." She smiled weakly, touching her nose to his temple.

"How's your find going?" He hummed.

She shook her head, "I don't want to talk about that. I just want to talk about us." She circled around the couch, going to sit next to him.

"Us?" He raised an eyebrow.

She nodded slowly, "Yes, us."

"What about us?" He asked.

She shrugged, dancing around the subject she had in mind, "Is there anything you want to discuss?"

He shook his head. "Arthur's been getting better. I think the peak of it was when you left."

"Good, I've been worried about him." She touched the baby's head gently, glad to see him sleeping so peacefully.

"I figured as much." He watched her carefully, seeing that there was clearly something on her mind.

"He's still so little." She murmured, more to herself than anything. It was another thing she had been worrying about, having another baby while their most recent one was still so young.

"Yes, babies tend to do that" He commented.

"I don't know if I want another baby."

He looked up at her. "Is that why you haven't told me about the pregnancy?"

"Excuse me?" She stared at him, shocked.

He adjusted Arthur in his arms, so he could sit up a little without disturbing the boy. "Is that why you haven't been ready to tell me about the baby because you don't know know if you want it?" He asked again, curious.

She laughed uncomfortably, "What are you talking about? What baby?"

"River, I live with you. I share a bed with you. I know the signs as well as you do and I figured it out a while ago." He paused. "...I'm sorry for mentioning it, I was trying to wait for you to be ready to tell me, but you just seemed so anxious about it."

She shook her head, "I have to go." She ran for the TARDIS.

"River..." He called after her and tried to get up, but Arthur jolted awake at the movement and started crying.

She locked herself in the ship, going to the controls and flying far, far away from their home. She didn't go back to Vastra either, she flew to the furthest place she could immediately think of, just wanting to get away from it all.

The Doctor sighed sadly, hushing Arthur. He should have just stuck to waiting for her to say it first instead of blurting out like he did. He'd thought that conversation was going to go better, but River was more afraid than he knew. "Do you think Mummy's going to be okay?" He directed the question at Arthur but knew the infant wouldn't understand.

Arthur sniffled, whining for his Mummy, looking around trying to see where she had gone.

"She's visiting your Auntie, remember?" He rocked him, though had a feeling River was somewhere else now.

He started crying again, wanting her back. Talk to Mumma! Talk to Mumma! He wailed.

"She needs some space right now." He tried to explain.

Want Mumma! His cries grew louder when he didn't get what he wanted.

The Doctor shifted Arthur to one arm, getting up and calling Vastra. Arthur began to calm down now that the Doctor was going to the phone, thinking it meant his mummy would come back.

Vastra picked up on the line, "Hello?"

"It's the Doctor, sorry, when are you?" That was generally the first question he asked when dialing outside the time period.

"Well, River is currently working on an archeology case with me if that helps."

"Yes, good. Is she there?"

"No, I'm afraid she's not. She hasn't been here all day, I actually thought she was back with you."

"She was but... well I pushed her a bit far and I think I've quite upset her." He admitted.

"Why? What happened?" Vastra's tone turned very concerned, her mind trying to think of where River would have gone.

"I'm not sure if it's my place to say."

"I believe I already know what it's about." She sighed.

He took a moment to realize that the week River was going to spend away probably had more to do with the baby than the artifact. "Well, the thing is, I already knew about it and I told her that I knew, and she... she left."

"Oh, Doctor..." Vastra breathed.

"I shouldn't have pushed, but she was saying how she wasn't ready so I brought it up... I don't know. I'm an idiot and now I have no idea where she is." He was becoming more worried by the minute.

"We have to find her, she's not thinking clearly right now. She's been doing things she knows aren't good for the baby." She spoke quickly, "I don't want her to end up making a rash decision that she'll regret."

"But how do we do it? I've got three kids to take care of who all think their Mum will be back and full of smiles in a few days. And I'm almost out of formula." He added.

"It's possible that she'll come back on her own." She struggled to keep the doubt out of her voice, "I can look for her for you."

"I have a feeling that if we don't find her soon, she'll be away for much longer than we planned." His shoulders slumped and he sighed again. "I'll call Clara and ask her to bring the girls over to Torchwood from school. I think we'll need Jack's equipment."

"I'll meet you at Torchwood." Vastra replied, "Don't worry, we'll find her." She added, before hanging up.

The Doctor spent the next couple of hours setting things up with the people in this time period. He called Clara and Jack, telling them both of the plan, but not telling them about the baby or other details. River deserved to have this be as confidential as possible. After that, he got Arthur ready to go with a diaper bag and the stroller, leaving the cats food but bringing Toby along. He stopped at the market on his way to pick up snacks and formula.

By the time he got to Torchwood, Jack and Vastra were already working, Clara and the girls wouldn't be arriving for another two hours. Monitors, charts, scans and satellite hacking codes were displayed across all the available screens in the Hub.

Meanwhile, galaxies away, River was curled up, alone in the TARDIS. She had powered down the ship almost completely, cloaking it in almost every way she knew how. She didn't want to be found, she wanted to be alone to think about everything that was happening. The ships hum was her only companion, the noise heard more faintly since the just about only the life support systems were running.

Back at the Hub, the search team was growing more and more frustrated as the hours ticked on with no sign of River. They were looking and using every method they knew. Clara was in charge of taking care of the girls since she didn't know as much about alien space tech as the rest of the group.

"Doctor, if she were to go somewhere, where would she run to?" Vastra asked, re-running scans to all of River's favorite planets.

"I doubt she'd leave the TARDIS. She'd isolate herself, but she'd still need the security and safety of the ship." He said, though wasn't 100% sure.

She sighed and nodded, "Yes, I suppose so, but where would she bring the TARDIS?"

"In the vortex, or possibly the end of the universe? Or the beginning... somewhere hard to find."

"Vastra, plug that scanner into one of the computers. I've figured something to make this go faster." She nodded, plugging in the scanner. "It's a bit of organization really. If we're trying to sort through every piece of derbies in deep space, it could take eons. I've set a requirement for the TARDIS's description." The Doctor explained.

Vastra moved aside so he had room to work, watching over his shoulder through the process. He programmed each computer to run his algorithm since each one was looking at a different part of space and time.

Vastra and Jack held their breath as they watched the screen calculate. There was another long wait of almost an hour while they watched with screens with tense shoulders. If a search didn't match, the computer automatically chose a new place and time to sift through.

Eventually, though, the screen did beep with a result. "There she is!" Jack pointed to the screen, "Alright, I think I have a program in here that will be able to hone in on the TARDIS using any nearby satellites. We could bring her back here by overriding the controls."

"No." The Doctor said quickly. "That not going to help the situation. We need to go to her and not make her do anything she doesn't want... maybe I should go alone."

"Yes, Doctor, I think that would be best." Vastra nodded, "We can stay and watch the children for you."

"The formula's in the stroller and so is a story book. I'm not sure how long this will take..."

Vastra nodded, "I understand. Don't push her into anything she doesn't want."

"I'll try my best." He nodded, rummaging for his vortex manipulator. "Jack, coordinates?"

Jack read the coordinates off to him. He programmed the VM, looked at his family once more. "Wish me luck."

"Good luck." Vastra murmured, watching him with worried eyes.

He hesitated, "What if nothing I say helps?"

Vastra shook her head, "I don't know. You'll just have to figure it out."

"I really hope I don't screw things up further..." He wanted to comfort River, to talk this out without her running. Holding his breath, he finally dematerialized himself.

River was asleep in bed, looking pale and ghostly. She hadn't eaten in a while, nor had she bothered to turn on any of the lights in the TARDIS, it was freezing cold and eerily silent.

The Doctor appeared in the console room with the sound of crackling electricity from his transport. Immediately, he was hugging his tweed around him a little tighter and looking around. River wasn't in this room so he went to the controls and turned the heating back on. He wasn't sure why it was off in the first place, but he was sure that River was probably cold too. He then set a scan for River, since it would be easier than searching.

The TARDIS displayed River in their bedroom, on the bed. The heat slowly began to kick on, though it would take a while to reheat the TARDIS. He noticed quickly by the information that she was sleeping and wondered if it was worth it to wake her. He figured she was tired after the emotional weight the day had held and opted to let her sleep. He could wait in their room, but that would probably startle her when she woke. He sighed, deciding to just wait on the stairs.

It was a couple of hours before she woke, drifting into the control room to see why it was suddenly so warm. Her waist looked rather small, tied tightly in with a corset, obviously, she had not listened to Vastra's comments.

The Doctor heard her footsteps but didn't turn around. She would see him, and if she was ready would stay and talk.

Her footsteps stopped immediately when she saw him. Without saying a word, she turned back around and went back down the hall. He stood and turned in her direction. "River?"

Her whole body tensed at the sound of his voice, stopping.

He quieted himself, taking Vastra's word and not pushing her. He figured she wouldn't be ready, but how was he supposed to send the message that he was there for her?

"What do you want?" She whispered, turning slightly.

"I want to talk about this." He replied. "But I'd settle for just letting you know I'm there for you through anything."

"What is there to talk about?" She whispered, sounding tired and defeated.

"Clearly a lot. I still haven't heard completely how you feel. Or why you feel that way." He added.

"This isn't how this is supposed to be happening." She whispered, burying her head in her hands.

"How did you want it to happen?" He asked carefully.

"I wanted to be happy about this. I wanted to surprise you and I wanted us to be able to be happy about it together."

"We can't still do that... just... not in the order you planned."

She shook her head, "Don't be stupid. Of course, we can't!"

"Maybe not the surprise bit, but the other bits are entirely possible."

"No, I wouldn't count on it." She was shaking, looking on the verge of passing out.

He bit his tongue and forcing himself to think before he said anything. "I'd like you to explain because I don't understand. All of this is new to me. All the emotions you've been hiding... Last I knew, we'd both agreed we wanted this. The way you're acting now is very sudden to me. At the least, I want to help."

"I don't want this baby." She whispered, "I didn't give myself enough time to think, and I changed my mind right after we tried those first few times, but it was too late, and now..." She let out a shaking breath, "And now it doesn't matter what I want, so there's no point in talking about it."

"It always matters what you want, especially now, in this situation. Everything that's happening, that's going to happen now, needs to revolve around your decision." He took a step towards her.

"There's nothing we can do about this now, so no, it isn't my decision anymore."

"There's always something we can do, so yes, it is. It's also your decision to be concerned about its health or not. It's your decision on whether you can love a child you never really wanted. It's your decision whether we do this together or you push me away." He paused, expression as warm as he could make it. "I take all my cues from you and whatever you chose, I'll be with you."

She was silent, trying not to show her emotions. She knew that no matter what he said, with him hovering over her, she would always be influenced to pick a certain choice, even if it wasn't truly what she wanted. "What am I supposed to say now?"

"You could tell me to go sod off. You could tell me to stay sit with you." He murmured. "But you don't have to say anything at all."

She wrapped her arms around her middle, looking away from him, "I don't know what I want."

"Then I'll give you space for now. And if you make up your mind that you want me there, I'll be in the console room." She didn't say anything, feeling woozy, like the whole room was spinning. "Do you need anything?" He asked before he left.

She shook her head, her lungs burning due to the fact that she had tied the corset around her waist so tightly.

He looked her over carefully "Are you... wearing a corset?"

"No." She lied, trying to get air into her lungs.

"River, that's not something you can hide. I can see the shape of it." He said, concern growing.

She swallowed, "It's fine."

"It's not fine." He frowned. "You look pale..."

"And what does my complexion have to do with what I'm wearing?"

"Well, I'm very sure that you didn't put white powder on your face. Corsets aren't good for your body, especially that tight." He pointed out.

At that moment, her body just decided to give up, unable to continue fighting for air and maintain a conscious state, so she fainted.

"River!" He caught her and lowered her to the floor, flailing his hands for a moment before aiming to remove her corset. As soon the corset was off, and her body was able to get more air into it, her skin started to return to its normal color.

He left it on the floor as he scooped her up and took her to the medbay, putting her on an oxygen mask. Without thinking about it, he also started setting up the ultrasound. She lay unconscious on the table as he set up the machine, unaware. He was about to start prepping her when he stopped himself, realizing what he was doing. This wasn't something he should do without her permission, but he also reasoned that the baby could be hurt from her lack of oxygen. No. Not without her permission. He put the probe down and waited for her to wake up.