Ch 18
River slowly began to wake up after about ten minutes, her body finally deciding it was alright for her to be awake again.
"River?" The Doctor hovered over her, hand stroking her hair back.
She blinked slowly, looking confused, "Doctor? Where am I?"
"Medbay." He murmured.
"Oh..." She breathed, not looking at all concerned.
"You passed out because your corset was too tight." He explained, though had a feeling the already knew that.
She shook her head, starting to sit up, "Oh, well, I'm fine then. It's nothing."
"It's something." Countered, urging her back down. "...You did that on purpose."
She stared at him for a moment before responding, "That's an awfully large accusation."
"And that was an awfully large measure to take." He sighed and sat next to the bed. "River, it's not too late to get rid of it."
She tensed when he drew closer to her, "I never said I wanted that." "You implied it... and if it is what you want, I'd rather have that than this."
"I didn't imply anything." She got up, going for the door, "I can't do this. I can't." She stopped in the doorway, "Please leave."
He nodded and stood silently, knowing he's said the wrong thing.
"Don't come back." She was shaking, "Don't come looking for me. Just leave me alone."
He paused at the door. "River, I'm sorry. I didn't mean-"
"You didn't mean what?" She snapped.
"I didn't mean to say that." He said, hardly above a whisper, not meeting her eyes. "I... I didn't mean it." He wanted to slap himself probably as much as she wanted to slap him.
"Then you shouldn't have said it." She hissed, her eyes burning with a mix of anger and hurt and absolute terror. "How could you even think to say that? After everything we've been through? After all of the babies I've lost...How dare you."
"I wasn't thinking. I want this baby. It's..." He felt his words were pointless to counter her grief or his guilt. He'd just been so caught up trying to think of what was wrong, he thought the baby was the source of it. Only he hadn't been thinking and words has just started without him and he'd made idiotic assumptions because he had no information to go on. He had corned himself into exactly the scenario he was trying to avoid. Getting rid of the baby was that last thing he'd want, and having River hate him wasn't on top of the list either. He wouldn't be surprised if she told him to never talk to her ever again, with the way he'd screwed up, though he really hoped he'd find a way to get his words together before that could happen.
"It's what?" She whispered, watching him with an intense expression.
"It's what I've wanted for a long time." He whispered. "I'll... I'll go now."
She swallowed, still standing in the doorway, blocking his way. "I'm sorry..."
"Not as sorry as I am." He murmured to the floor. He felt more than terrible about what he'd said, the knot of guilt in his gut still tightening.
She was silent, staring at the floor for a minute. "Why?"
He blinked at her. "Why... did I say it?" She nodded.
"Because..." He hesitated and thought carefully this time. Because he was an idiot who didn't think some time. "Because seeing you so... scared about all of this, so closed off to it that you hid it from me, that you ran from me... it hurt just as much as... the other thing. I was focused on thinking how to stop you from being scared, that everything else just slipped my mind until I'd said it."
"I didn't hide it to hurt you." She breathed, "I hid it because I didn't want you to watch me choose."
"I know... I thought you shouldn't have to choose alone, but if you still want to, I can go."
She shook her head, "You already know, so what's the point in going?"
"Because you haven't finished whatever sort of mental recuperation you were doing, and I know you tend to need space when it comes to that." He said.
"Do you trust me to be by myself?" She asked. At the moment, she didn't exactly trust herself.
He wasn't sure how to answer that question. "...I won't be leaving the TARDIS."
She sighed, finally giving into her feelings, "Can you stay?"
He nodded immediately. "Of course."
"Thank you." She whispered, "Can we go sit somewhere?"
"Yes." He nodded again, reaching for her hand.
She hesitated before taking his hand. She still wasn't completely relaxed, but she was trying. A bit of his tension left at her touch and he started to walk towards the console room. She followed, though she was a bit confused as to why he was heading for the console room instead of one of the many living rooms they had.
When they arrived, he pressed a button on console. The TARDIS started to go somewhere, though there was not jostle or the noise of the breaks.
"Where are we going?" She asked quietly, not ready to face their family and friends back at the Hub just yet.
"Somewhere you'll like." He murmured and opened the doors. A yellow-green light illuminated him from the outside and he turned back to her. "Come see."
She slowly walked towards the doors, peering to see where he had brought her. They were still floating somewhere in space, no notable planets around, but in front of them was a small nebula full of colors similar to the ocean with the exception of the yellow hues. She stared out at the nebula, sighing, "It's beautiful."
"I found this a little while back. I was going to show it to you on our anniversary." He told her, looking at her more than the nebula.
She took his hand again, squeezing it gently. "Does it have a name?" She sat down on the floor of the TARDIS so her legs dangled out. He did the same as he thought.
"A few, yes. Do'Acek, Maetheso... there's actually a half formed planet in there that's used as a meditation center. The nebula emits a chemical that helps people relax and find peace, so it fits quite nicely."
"Is that why you brought me here? Because it's supposed to help relax people?"
"No, we're not close enough to be affected. I just liked the colors because they reminded me of your eyes." He hummed.
She smiled softly, glad that he hadn't brought her here for the relaxation, "Oh, I see." She leaned into him a bit more, daring to rest her head against his.
He smiled, even more relieved to have her opening up a little. "Is this a good place to sit?"
"Yes, it's fine." She whispered, giving his hand another squeeze.
"Do you think you'll come home soon?" He squeezed back.
She began to tense again, "I- I don't know."
"It's alright not to know yet." He assured quickly.
"I'm a bit cold." She breathed, snuggling closer to him.
He gave her his jacket and wrapped his arm around her. "Better?"
She leaned into his arms, nodding, "Yes, much better. Thank you."
"Good." He smiled softly, having an small understanding that right now she needed a break from talking and thinking about all the things weighing her down. Some quiet would be welcome.
She fell asleep after a while, resting almost peacefully in his arms. A part of her was still mad at him for bringing up the baby before she had been ready to discuss it, but she kept that to herself for now, needing to rest.
He shifted her a little more comfortably once he realized she was sleeping, playing with her hair out of habit and hoping this moment wasn't temporary.
She was asleep for several hours, getting some much needed rest. The TARDIS had done half an orbit around the nebula by then, filtering the warmth from inside closer to them.
After her nap, River began to stir, pulling the Doctor's jacket closer to her body.
He looked down at her, staying quiet in case she was only awake for a moment.
"Back hurts..." She breathed, opening her eyes a bit more, looking up at him.
"That would probably be from napping on the floor. I can give it a massage if you like." He offered.
She shook her head, "No, I want to go lay down somewhere else."
He nodded. "Living room?"
She nodded. He wiggled out from behind her and stood, offering a hand up. She accepted his help, swaying dizzily once on her feet.
He steadied her. "You alright there?"
She nodded, "Just a bit dizzy."
"Did you eat today?" He asked.
"Of course, I ate today." She answered honestly.
"I guess you just stood up too fast." He said. "Come on."
She followed him to the living room. The TARDIS had started up a fire since she knew River always enjoyed sitting in front of the fire. The living room that they were in had a large sofa in the middle with lots of blankets and pillows. There were pictures of their family hanging all around the dimly lit room.
"I don't remember the pictures being in here before." The Doctor noted, taking a seat on the couch.
River didn't sit right away, looking at the pictures around the room one by one. "Neither do I. The TARDIS must have put them up."
He looked too. "They're nice pictures, though. I like all the memories."
"Me too." She whispered, touching her fingertips to the glass of a very recent one of their whole family, pets included.
"...What are you thinking?" He hummed.
"That I don't want to disappoint them...or you."
"Why would you disappoint us?"
"By getting rid of the baby..." She closed her eyes.
"Are you going to?" He watched her.
"No." She breathed, "Of course not."
"Then there's no reason to fret."
She sniffled, pressing her forehead against the glass of the frame, "I don't want to hate the baby. I want to love our baby."
"You will. Even if it takes time, I promise you will." He patted the space next to him.
She sat down slowly, obviously upset, "I'm not ready for another baby."
"But we are going to have one and you only have so many months to come to terms with it... do you have any idea what you're going to do?" He asked, also realizing he didn't know exactly how far along she was.
"No." She whispered, "That's why I was staying with Vastra. She was trying to help me get through this."
"Are you going to go back to her?" He asked, though he had an idea of her answer.
"I don't think so, not anymore." She sighed.
"How was she trying to help?"
She shook her head, not wanting to discuss it.
He didn't push the question. "She and Jack and Clara are watching the girls right now."
"Oh...and what about Arthur?"
"He's with them too. I left hem formula for him." He added.
"Is he still sick?" She asked quietly.
"His temperature was down this morning, so he's just about better. He misses you, though."
"I miss him too." She whispered.
"We can go back to them." He offered.
She nodded, "Alright, I'd like that."
"Stay in here if you like. I'll drive." He said, standing.
She lay down on the couch, pulling a blanket over herself. For some reason she was exhausted and just wanted to go back to sleep. The Doctor went back to the console room and took the TARDIS smoothly to the Hub.
The sound of Arthur crying could already he heard. He was hungry and did not want to have formula milk again. The Doctor stepped out of his blue box, quickly spotting his son in Vastra's arms. The girls were at her feet, wanting to help try and feed their brother.
"Oh, good. You're back." Vastra looked almost relieved.
He took over holding Arthur. "Yes, how were the kids?"
"The girls have been very good, and excellent helpers. Arthur on the other hand, refuses to eat, though his stomach is grumbling."
"He tends to get sick of the formula if it's all he get for more than two days. The good news is Mummy's back to help out with that." He directed that last bit toward Arthur.
Arthur perked up at the sound of 'Mummy' still sniffling and wiggling around.
"I'll take him to see her." He paused. "I'm not sure if she's up for being around too many people... so I'll let you know when she's ready to see you too."
Vastra nodded, understanding, "Give her my best."
"I will." He headed back into the ship, the girls following. River had moved from the living room into the console room to greet her family.
"Mummy!" The girls ran up and attached themselves to her.
"Hello, my loves!" River beamed, bending down to hug them tightly.
"We missed you so much!" They exaggerated the 'so' just to help prove their point.
"I missed you too!" She smiled, kissing their cheeks. They attacked her with hugs and kisses until their arms were too tired and try were just cuddled up next to her.
Arthur was still wailing, growing hungrier. The Doctor coughed, "River? There's someone else who missed you."
River stood, walking over to the baby, "Oh, hello there." He handed Arthur off to her.
The baby instantly clung to her shirt and pushed his head against her. "I don't even get a hello? I'm just your feeding machine?" She teased, kissing the baby's cheek.
"Vastra says he's been refusing the formula so I think he'd prefer hugs later." The Doctor voiced.
She glanced at him, "Alright then..." She breathed, "I'm going to go feed him in the living room."
"Girls, we've got to wait here." The Doctor said, knowing they'd run after her other wise.
"Awwwwwww why?"
"Because it's Mummy's private time when she feeds your brother, remember? She'll be done soon." He explained.
"Oh..." They sighed, letting River go.
"She'll be back in a moment." He promised. They nodded as River carried Arthur out.
