Ch 23
In the early hours of the morning, River woke up screaming. The Doctor shot up at the noise, panic flooding him. "River!" She was sitting up in bed shaking like a leaf, eyes wide open. "River? River what's wrong." He urged, moving his hands up and down her arms. "Talk to me, are you okay?"
She nodded slowly, confirming that she was alright, "I had a nightmare." She whispered.
He pulled her against him, hearts still pounding from the startled. "It's alright, you're safe." She held him tightly, her whole being trembling. "It's alright, it's alright." He kept saying in an attempt of comfort. "It's safe here, you're okay."
She buried her face against him, starting to relax after a few minutes. He rocked her a little, continuing a stream of sweet nothings to calm her. "...Do you want to talk about it?"
She shook her head, "No, I just want you to stay with me."
"I'm not going anywhere." He assured, holding her close.
Terra shifted, then kicked softly, having felt the transfer of River's fear. "She's scared," River whispered, putting a hand on her belly.
His hand followed. "Think to her something that isn't scary."
"I-" She started, "Okay, I can do that." She closed her eyes, thinking of the Doctor. Terra began to settle at her mother's thoughts, making the mental equivalent of a smile. "She's calm now." She whispered, "She likes you."
He gave a small smile. "I'm glad." She curled closer to him, keeping her hand on her belly. He slowly lay them back down. "She talked yet?"
"No, not yet." She murmured, "Do you think we should be worried?"
He shook his head. "She's been responsive to your movements and emotions, I think it's alright for now."
She nodded, holding onto his arm, "We should call Vastra and tell her that she moved. She'll want to know."
"In the morning." He agreed. "You need your rest."
"I don't want to go back to sleep." She whispered.
"...Are you worried you might have another nightmare?" He asked carefully.
She nodded slowly, "Yes."
"Can I help?"
"How?"
"Telepathically." He replied. "Just something to make you feel better."
She glanced at the clock, sighing, "No, we have to get up with the girls soon anyway." She whispered.
"Oh. Alright." He hadn't realized the time, though still was on the side of River sleeping.
"Are you alright?" She asked softly.
He nodded. "I should be asking the same to you."
"Yeah, I'm fine." She whispered, tracing her hand along her abdomen.
"You're worried." He murmured.
"Yes, but...I'll be alright." She breathed, giving him a small smile.
"I know." He returned the gesture. "But I want to be there for you any way I can." "
But I don't want to cause you any additional worry." She murmured.
"I'm your husband, River. It's our jobs to take care of each other regardless." He replied.
She sighed softly, "It's about Terra..."
"What about her?" He encouraged.
"Well, you said it before. She hasn't used words yet. All of our children had used words by now..." She breathed.
"You're right..." This caught his attention, it having not occurred to him before. "Do you think something's wrong?"
"I don't know, that's why I'm worried. But like you said, she's been responding to all of my other mental cues..."
"So probably not something mentally wrong, just sensory." He suggested.
"So...you do think something's wrong then?" She whispered, her hearts quickening.
"Well, she's healthy physically and mentally, we can confirm that easily." He started. "But, I wouldn't ignore your instincts."
"I don't want there to be something wrong." She whispered, terrified of the idea that something wasn't right with their baby.
"River, I'm sure she's alright. We can get up and check." He offered.
She nodded, "I'd appreciate that."
"Come on." He got up, offering a hand and a weak smile. She smiled back, getting up slowly, though her stomach was in knots.
He lead her to the medbay. "There's a device from Oculi V that they invented to specifically observe the brain waves of fetuses."
"Okay..." She whispered, "How does it work?"
"I just rest it on your belly. Lie down." He instructed. The device was curved to fit around her.
She nodded, laying down on the cot. He placed the scanner over her, staring it up. It made a small whirring noise and he took her hand. "It'll transfer the data to my sonic. We'll have results in a mo'." She nodded, reaching for his hand.
They waited for a moment in anticipation before the whirring stopped. He squeezed her hand and got out his sonic. She squeezed his hands tightly.
He examined the data. "...It's her hearing."
"What?" She whispered, her hearts pounding, "What about her hearing?"
"Well... there isn't really any." He rubbed the back of his head. "She can't hear."
"What?" She stared at him, hands shaking, "No, no that can't be right. Run the test again."
"River..." He hesitated, then nodded and ran it again. She closed her eyes, praying that the results had been wrong.
The Doctor looked at his sonic again, shaking his head. "Still the same."
She shook her head, "No..."
"River," He tried again. "It's... not the end of the world." It wasn't exactly the news he wanted to hear, but it also wasn't something he considered awful.
"It's my fault...this is because of me." She whispered, her heart pounding and her head spinning. Although this news wasn't catastrophic, she was still upset, feeling that the things she had down early on in the pregnancy had caused this.
"No, River. It's not your fault. There's no way of telling that at this point. It'll be okay. Our baby is okay right now, and that's what matters." He tried to assure.
"But if I had taken care of her better in the beginning. If I hadn't done all those things that I knew could harm her..." She took the device off of herself and stood up, needing air before she passed out.
The Doctor hesitated to follow her, thinking she'd need space, though decided to go after her anyway. He was a few paces behind.
She fled out of the TARDIS, heading for their backyard. Toby caught sight of her running, following her out to pet door to the yard. He barked excitedly at her, thinking it was breakfast time. She ignored him, slowly sinking down to the ground until she was sitting in the middle of the yard. Toby rubbed his face against her shoulder, sitting next to her. She still didn't acknowledge his presents, staring blankly at the space in front of her.
The Doctor caught up with her, coming into the yard out of breath. The sun wasn't fully up, sending soft patterns of light across the yard. He walked over to her, sitting next to her quietly. He didn't try to say anything, though offered his hand to hold.
She turned her head away from him so she couldn't see him, keeping her hands tightly in her lap. He sighed inaudibly, slowing taking his hand back and looking out at the yard.
"Please, leave me alone." She whispered.
He didn't say anything, getting up and going back to the house. Her words sat in him like cold water, but he knew that she needed time to process this without him hovering.
Toby followed the Doctor as he went to get the girls ready for their day.
River sat, silent and unmoving for most of that morning. The girls peered out the window to watch her for a bit, not understanding why she was just sitting outside. Though they were excited to get to school and talk to their friends about the previous night's performance, so they didn't pay her too much mind.
The Doctor and Toby took the girls to school before going on the dog's walk, as was routine for school mornings. On their return, Toby ran straight to the back yard to sit with River again.
The Doctor didn't, assuming her request was still to be abided by. Instead, he went to the kitchen to make her something, knowing she hadn't eaten today.
The phone rang, while he was in the kitchen with Vastra on the other end, calling to see how the family was doing after the previous night. The Doctor paused his cooking and answered, though regretted the action as he wasn't exactly sure how to respond to it. "Um... Well, Terra started kicking." He said, recalling River's idea to tell Vastra.
"Oh, that's wonderful!" Vastra sounded very excited, "I'm sure you two are thrilled!"
"It was a thrilling moment, yes." He agreed, though both of them were currently far from thrilled.
"Is there something wrong?" She asked, sensing something was off by his tone.
"Uh... can you hold for a second." He said in a rush, putting the phone down. He tried to think of what to say, circling around the kitchen for a moment before going to the back yard. "River?"
"What is it?" She asked, only making half of an effort to look at him.
"Vastra's on the phone." He told her nervously. "She... I don't know what to tell her."
"Don't tell her anything," River whispered, slowly standing and going into the house.
"Do you want to take the call?" He asked, still skittish.
She really didn't want to talk to anyone, but she took the phone anyway.
"Doctor?" Vastra sounded more worried than before.
"No, it's River." She whispered.
"Oh. How are you, are you okay?" She asked quickly.
"I'm fine." She murmured, trying to sound as normal as possible, "How are you?"
"Concerned with how your husband was acting." She replied cautiously.
"I'm sure it was nothing, you know how he is sometimes." She tried to wave it off.
Vastra seemed to believe this, audibly relaxing. "He mentioned Terra started kicking."
"Yes, she did." River murmured.
"That's wonderful news! How do you feel?"
"Alright."
"Just alright?" Vastra raised an eyebrow.
"Yes, is there a problem with alright?" She asked.
"No." She amended. "Alright is fine."
"Good." She breathed.
They made small talk for a short while before Vastra finally said she had other business she needed to get to and bid River goodbye.
River put down the phone, slowly walking upstairs to check on Arthur. The baby was still sleeping, gurgling slightly with a stuffed Dalek hugged close to his chest. She touched his cheek gently, careful not to wake him up. Arthur leaned into her touch in his sleep, his gurgling stopping. She kissed his forehead, "Love you, my special boy." She whispered.
He began to stir, blinking sleepily up at her.
"Go back to sleep, my love." She whispered, urging him to rest.
"Muh!" He refused, reaching up for her.
"Would you like to come sleep with Mummy?" She asked, carefully lifting him up.
Yes. Arthur insisted.
She held him close, carrying him back to her room.
Mum, mum, mum. He mentally mumbled.
She smiled weakly down at him, "Yes, I see you."
Big brother! He grinned. He'd not stopped his excitement about the fact, reminding his parents every day, just in case they'd forgotten.
She swallowed, ignoring the statement and crawling into her own bed with him in her arms.
He snuggled into her. Sisters?
"They're at school right now." She murmured, wrapping the blankets around them.
Play again? He asked.
"No, no play again." She smiled, "Just school."
Is Daddy at school?
"No, I actually don't know where Daddy is." She murmured.
Why? He frowned.
She just shrugged, "Go to sleep, sweetie."
Not tired. He insisted.
"Well, then why did you want to lay down with me?"
Because I love you! He giggled and waved his arms.
She laughed softly, kissing one of his hands, "I love you too."
"Muh-mmm!"
"Yes! Very good!" She praised, nuzzling his cheek.
He started babbling nonsense sounds, proud of himself for making the word.
She smiled, "Good boy."
"Da." He said, wondering again where the man was.
River sighed, "Would you like to find him?"
Yes. Arthur confirmed, getting excited. She stood, walking to the door with him to go find the Doctor.
The Timelord had resumed his work in the kitchen making a lunch for the two of them.
She stopped in the doorway, turning Arthur so he could see him, "There. Are you happy now?"
"Da-uh!" He reached out for him with grabbing hands.
The Doctor looked up and smiled at the pair. "Are you hungry?"
"A bit." River murmured, "And I'm sure Arthur is getting hungry as well." She moved closer to him so Arthur could reach.
The baby latched onto his bow tie as the Doctor took him in his arms. "I made fruit salad and sandwiches."
She smiled weakly, "Thank you."
"And you, Mister Grabby Hands," He said to their son. "have delicious mashed carrots and banana." They'd been trying to wean him on to solid foods, which for the most part was proving to work just fine.
River touched the baby's head, kissing him just above his ear. He did a happy sort of wiggle. Food now.
"Alright, let's sit you down." She murmured, going over to open up his high chair.
Arthur wiggled more, feeling very squirmy this morning. Food, food, food.
"Settle down, sweetie." She murmured, taking him from the Doctor once more and setting him down in his chair.
The Doctor handed over the baby food as well, going to set their food on the table. River sat in front of the high chair, getting a spoon full of Arthur's lunch and trying to feed it to him. He eagerly opened his mouth and tried to swallow as much as he could, which in reality was only about half a spoonful at a time. She scooped the bit off food that didn't make it into his mouth off his chin, feeding him once more. "Someone likes his carrots."
"Just wait until he can try fish fingers and custard for the first time." The Doctor teased, handing her a plate.
She laughed weakly, feeding Arthur until he was finished before starting in her own food.
"How are you feeling?" The Doctor asked her after a moment.
"Fine." She whispered, "You?"
"Good." He replied with a small smile.
She nodded, "That's good."
"Can we... Find a time to talk about what happened?" He asked.
She tensed but nodded slowly.
"It doesn't have to be terribly soon if you're not ready to." He added.
"What's the point in waiting? It's not going back to go away.."
"No, but waiting might mean you're more open and really ready to talk about it." He pointed out.
"I don't have time to get ready! She's going to be here in a few months and we are by no means ready to take care of a baby who can't hear!"
He sat calmly, trying not to flinch at her tone. Arthur whimpered, not liking it at all. "River, a Deaf child isn't going to..." He paused to think of the wording. "...Be as difficult as you think it is. I know 15 different sign languages from Earth alone, which I'll gladly teach you and the kids."
"Sign language isn't my only concern, Doctor." She glared at him.
"Sorry." He looked at the table. "Tell me more, then."
"We're going to have to find her a special school and we'll have to install alarms that she'll be able to see when the doorbell and the telephone or the fire alarm goes off. We're never going to know what she wants because she doesn't know how to use words. I was already worried about having another baby and now..." She stopped talking, unable to continue.
"You can still use telepathic words with her." He said quietly. All the stuff she'd mentioned was still far off, it wouldn't be needed until Terra was older, but they could handle that. He had a feeling that communication and bonding was a bigger concern to her.
"She doesn't understand them, Doctor." She shook her head, burying her face in her hands.
"Because she doesn't have anything to go on. Remember how you communicated with Arthur before he knew how to use telepathic words?" He urged.
She shook her head, "It won't work."
"Tell me what you tried."
"Why?" She snapped, "I've already told you that it hasn't worked. Why do you have to keep pushing me?"
Arthur burst into tears. Stop yelling!
River jumped at the sound of the baby, knocking her glass onto the floor. "I'm sorry, sweetie." She whispered, quickly picking him up, "I'm sorry."
You have to let go, you have to let go.
The Doctor started to go clean up the shattered glass. She didn't understand what he was talking about, just continuing to hush him. Arthur kept repeating the phrase.
"Ow."
She put the baby back in his chair, thinking maybe he didn't want her to hold him and then turned to look at the Doctor. The man had stuck his finger in his mouth, "Glass is sharp." He mumbled around the digit.
She rolled her eyes, getting down on the floor to clean it up herself, "Go put a plaster on your finger."
He nodded slowly and went to do as he was told. She cleaned up the shattered glass, dumping the little sparkling bits into the trash. The Doctor returned with a neatly plastered finger, picking up his still complaining son. River sighed, looking at her husband and the baby.
"Do you understand why he's saying that?" The Doctor asked.
"No." She murmured, sitting back down and rubbing her temples.
"Would you like me to tell you?" He sat as well.
"Alright, fine."
"...He means your telepathic link." He said slowly.
"No, absolutely not." She shook her head, "I'm not cutting my link with him. He's not old enough yet."
"Cutting and letting go are different." He sighed. "He's only a little younger than the girls were when they stopped, but your link with them was already thinning as it naturally should. With Arthur, you're holding on more tightly than you should be."
"Then don't make me do something I'm obviously not ready to do." She whispered.
"I'm not making you do anything. I was only suggesting and explaining the situation because it's also why Terra's not responding to you in the way you want."
She shook her head, "This was a mistake. I knew I wasn't ready for another baby yet."
"No." The word came out firmly and not from the Doctor, but the little boy in his arms.
River looked up at him, frowning.
"No!" Big brother. Arthur looked quite upset, to say the least. He didn't have the vocabulary to tell River that he cared a great deal about his little sister, but tried to anyway. Keep her safe. Keep her safe!
"You, stay out of this." She warned, feeling as though her family was ganging up on her.
"I think it's nap time." The Doctor muttered, more to the baby than to his wife.
River turned to clean the table and wash the dishes. The Doctor sighed, bringing Arthur upstairs before he could start a bigger tantrum.
