Ch 30

As the hours ticked by, River remained stable for the most part. There were a few jumps in her brain waves, but they quickly corrected themselves.

Sometime in the early hours of the morning, Arthur whined for River and Vastra switched him to lie on her chest instead. She didn't sleep at all. Arthur eventually fell asleep on his mother's chest, holding onto her hair.

It was about an hour or two after the lights on the TARDIS signaled morning that the Doctor twitched. Vastra stood, going to his side and watching him closely, hopeful. His hand twitched, then made a fist, then lifted and scrubbed over his face as he groaned back a yawn.

"Doctor?" Vastra sounded hopeful.

"What-..." He took a deep breath, wincing at the light. "My head is killing me."

"Oh, thank goodness." She murmured.

"What happ-" He suddenly sat bolt upright, flinching at the pain it caused. "River!"

"Doctor, you need to lay down." She murmured, pushing him back down lightly.

"No, River. Is she- I need to help her." He clearly wasn't clear headed.

"She's alright right now, just calm down and lay back. You need to rest."

"What happened, no, is she-?" He managed to catch sight of her in the other cot, not feeling at all assured.

"She's resting, just as you should be. Now please, calm down."

He let out a puff of air and put his hand on his forehead. "How long have I been out?"

"Since last night. Not too long after you called me." She murmured.

"What about River?" He fretted.

She shook her head, "I'm not exactly sure. She took the children to dinner not long after you.. .fell unconscious. She seemed extremely tired and I was worried about her so I can back to make sure she was alright and I found her like that."

"This is all my fault." He groaned, burying his face in his hands.

"Doctor, I'm sure that's not true." She tried to assure him.

"No, it was my mind. She shouldn't have gone in. I tried to tell her." He sounded distraught.

"She's not naive, Doctor. She knows how dangerous it is to enter your mind. She knew what she was doing and you can't blame yourself for the choices she makes."

"But it was my mind that hurt her." He whispered.

"But it wasn't intentional."

He shook his head slowly. "It wasn't. I'm sorry. I just... I feel so terrible that all this is happening. She doesn't deserve this. She deserves to be safe and happy and she's not."

Vastra couldn't argue with him on that point. She had the same concern for her friend. "Do you know which connection she chose?" Vastra had seen it on the scan of her brain several hours before when she had been trying to help recover River's stability. H

e nodded. "I do." He'd been able to see when River was in his mind, most of hers exposed at the time. "But I feel like I pushed her into it." Once again, Vastra didn't comment. She knew how much the connection between River and Arthur had meant to River, but she also knew how much River valued the Doctor's opinion deep down.

"I don't want her to neglect Terra, but I don't want to force that relationship on her because she's not ready. Ugh, I just feel like a useless idiot."

"She'll come around eventually." Vastra murmured, though she wasn't terribly confident.

"I don't know if she will. She can act like it for Terra's sake, but I don't think she will." He sighed. "I don't know what to do."

"Give her time. I don't know what other advice to give you other than that. You two will work it out. You always do."

"I hate the in between, though. What if she hates me for pushing her? What if she hides her fear more than she already is?" He turned on his side to look at his wife. Her nose had begun to bleed again.

Vastra glanced back as well, going to wipe away the blood, "You'll work it out." She repeated.

He tried to sit up again, not feeling any better about the situation. "She needs Ikhynase."

"I'll get it for her then. You stay down." She walked over to the medicine cabinet, getting River the medication she needed.

"In her neck is most effective." He murmured, feeling useless.

She nodded, injecting the liquid into her neck. "Would you like to see your son?"

He nodded, allowing himself to sit up in bed. She gently scooped up the baby, carrying him over to his father. "Hey, there champ." He murmured. Arthur gurgled happily, reaching up to touch the Doctor's lip. "What have you been up to, little man?"

"Muhmaa." He murmured.

"She's sleeping, lovie." He sighed, Arthur tugging his lip.

As he did this, River coughed, slowly starting to wake. All three pairs of eyes went to her, Vastra moving to her side and the Doctor trying to get up. River moaned in pain, opening her eyes slowly. All three were above her at that point.

Arthur clapped. "Muh!" River stared at the baby for a minute, looking very confused.

"Mama muhma mumahw!" Arthur reached for her. River opened her mouth to say something, then closed it, staring blankly at the Doctor.

"River?" Vastra asked. "Do you know where you are?"

She shook her head slowly.

"Do you know who we are?"

She frowned. "Of course, I know who I am."

"No, us." Vastra pointed to herself and the man beside her. "The Doctor and I. Arthur."

She shook her head slowly. The Doctor's face went pale and he had to sit down.

"What can you remember?" Vastra continued questioning.

"That's mine." She murmured, pointing to Arthur, recognition suddenly sparking in her eyes.

"He's your son, yes. Can you remember his name?"

"Arthur." River said affectionately, holding her arms out.

Vastra plucked Arthur from the Doctor's arms, depositing him with his mother. The boy didn't at all object, mumbling 'muh' a few times.

"Hello, my sweet." River murmured, smiling down at him.

"River, you're not finished. You've got to concentrate on what's going on." Vastra redirected her attention. She held the baby close to her, her eyes flickering hesitantly to the Doctor. There was no sign of recognition in her eyes.

"Can you remember your other children?" She asked.

She nodded, "Amelia and Freya."

"And her name?" Vastra pointed to River's belly.

"Her?" River asked, looking down at her middle.

"The child in your womb." She clarified.

"I don't know."

"Did you know she was there?"

"Yes, but I didn't know it was a girl." She murmured.

"You and your husband found that out not too long ago," Vastra explained.

"My husband?" She raised an eyebrow.

"The father of your children. They do have a father."

"Obviously." River snapped.

"But you can't remember him...?" Vastra stood her ground.

She shook her head. The Doctor looked more concerned and distraught by the moment. "But..." River looked at the other woman closely, "I know you."

"Yes, we've known each other for a very long time." She replied softly.

"You're my friend. You're Vastra."

"That's right." Vastra took a seat on River's bed. "And I'm here to help you."

"Who's that?" She asked, nodding towards the Doctor.

"He's... He's the Doctor." She murmured.

"Doctor who?"

"Just the Doctor." The Doctor spoke up, voice broken.

"Are you my Doctor?" River asked, a bit confused as to why a professional would be getting so emotional.

"Depends on the day." He muttered.

"And what's that supposed to mean?" She asked.

"Nothing." He looked at the floor.

"Not much of a professional, are you?" She frowned. There was something in her mind that was turning her off to him.

"I never said I was, I only told you my name."

"Well, that's awfully confusing and not much of a name if you ask me." She huffed.

"It's a title." He frowned. "Many if not most Gallifreyans have a title different from their name."

"Well, I'm sorry to say I don't much care to hear your history. I want to go home." She tried to stand.

"This is your home," Vastra said. "You're in the TARDIS."

"This is not my home." She scowled, "What's a TARDIS?"

Vastra blinked, ignoring her question. "Where do you think your home is?"

"My flat." She murmured, "Where else would home be?"

Vastra hesitated. "Do you... know what a Timelord is."

"Yes, of course, I know what a Timelord is. I'm a Timelord, or at least partly. Now, I don't want a history lesson. I want to go home." She was only on her feet for a moment before falling.

Vastra was only quick enough to catch Arthur, not River. The Doctor immediately got up and was instinctively at his wife's side. River's eyes snapped open and she looked around, panting slightly, "Where am I? Doctor?"

"I'm here. You're in the med bay." He searched her face.

"Oh...I...oh, my head." She murmured.

"Does it hurt? Do you need something?" He asked quickly.

"I'm fine." She sighed, slowly getting up and sitting back on the bed.

"You fell, you're not fine." He fretted.

"I am fine, Doctor, please." Her tone had an edge to it.

He bit his lip. "I have the right to be worried." She stiffened but didn't say anything.

"Muuuh." Arthur wiggled, wanting to be back in River's arms. River wanted to hold him, reaching her arms out.

Vastra put him back. "I wouldn't stand up this time. That was close."

River cuddled the baby close to her, trying to use their connection.

Mad at Daddy?

Sad. She thought back, holding him tighter.

Sad at Daddy? Arthur didn't understand.

She nodded, Sad that Daddy didn't want me to pick you. Sad that I couldn't hold onto you.

Still here. He still didn't really get it, but he thought that might help.

She swallowed, holding him tightly. Her shoulders shaking slightly with unrealized tears.

Holding me now...?

Shhhh. She murmured, nuzzling his cheek.

Very soon, footsteps came down that hall and the girls peered into the med bay. "Mummy!" Amelia ran into the room. "Are you sick?"

River shook her head, finally looking up, "No, I'm alright."

"Why are you sleeping in here? When did Auntie Vastra come back?"

"She came back last night and we all fell asleep in here after checking on your sister."

"Is she okay?" Both girls started climbing on the bed.

River nodded, "We just wanted to see her."

"Do you have pictures?"

"Oh, no. We forgot to take them." She lied.

Freya frowned. "Well, can you look again so we can see?"

"If you want." She nodded.

"Yay!" She clapped. "Daddy, bring the thingy over so we can see our baby sister!"

River glanced at the Doctor, very hesitant to see their child. He slowly brought the ultrasound, looking at her to make sure it was okay. She was extremely stiff, her face draining.

"River if you don't want to..."

"It's fine." She said quickly, not wanting to disappoint the girls.

"Alright. Lift your shirt please." He murmured She slowly lifted her top so her belly was exposed.

"I wanna help!" Amelia insisted, reaching for the blue gel. River watched her daughter, refusing to look at the screen.

Arthur made a noise, curious as to what the screen was showing. "Beeee Baa!" He tried to say.

"Yes, Arthur. That's your little sister." The Doctor pointed, doing a look over of the screen himself.

"Me ba ba!"

He nodded. "And she looks to be doing just fine."

River still wasn't looking at the screen, watching Arthur instead. The boy was staring wide eyed. Looks funny.

"That's what small babies look like." River murmured.

How is it in the box now? He glanced back at her belly.

"Magic." She answered, too tired to explain.

"What's magic? Freya asked.

"Nothing, sweetie." She murmured, wanting to go back to sleep

"Can we have breakfast now?"

"Of course." She murmured, "What would you like?"

"Pancakes!" Amelia grinned.

"I can make them." Vastra offered, "Would you girls like to help me?" She felt that the Doctor and River should have some time alone.

"Yes !" They cheered, rather distracted from whatever their parents were up to.

"I want chocolate chips!" Freya insisted.

"Alright, we can do that," Vastra smiled, going to take Arthur from River. Arthur whined, not wanting to leave River's arms. Vastra ignored the whining, leading the girls out of the room.

The Doctor turned off the ultrasound, wiping off the gel from River's skin and starting to clean up a bit. River shifted so she was sitting up, staying silent.

"River?" He said after a minute. "Do you remember what happened?"

"A bit." She sighed.

"Would you like me to fill in the blanks?" He asked.

"No. I'd rather not remember."

He nodded. "...Do you remember who I am?"

"Yes." She nodded slowly.

He relaxed some, looking at the floor. "I'm... sorry about what happened."

"Don't." She squeezed her eyes shut, "Please...don't..."

He snapped his mouth shut, sitting slowly on the edge on his cot. She buried her head in her hands, wishing she hadn't had to choose her daughter over her son.

"Do you want me to go?" He whispered. His arms ached to hold her, but he had a feeling he'd be pushed away if he tried.

"I don't care what you do." She sighed, her tone wasn't harsh, just tired and defeated.

He stood and walked towards the door, though instead of leaving, turned and settled into the chair Vastra had sat in. She glanced up at him. He tried to look as assuring as he could. "Tell me if you need anything for the headache."

"I'll be fine." She whispered. "Are you alright?"

"Tired." He murmured, not bothering to mention his own headache.

"You should rest then."

"I am." He murmured, wiggling in his chair to emphasize.

"I mean you should take a nap." She clarified.

He shrugged. "I'll be fine."

"Alright, then." She sniffed. He leaned back and fiddled with his thumbs. "Is there something you want to talk about?"

"I... No." He looked at his hands, knowing she didn't want to talk about what happened, though he realized that silence wasn't a good choice either so spoke the first subject that came to mind. "You haven't learned any sign yet."

"It's only been two days." She muttered.

"Just an observation." He backed off quickly, though knew that there wasn't a ton of wiggle room around the timing.

Periwinkle started on the edges of River's mind. She grew more frustrated when the color appeared, not knowing what it meant.

"The girls quite enjoy it, though. I didn't think they'd be so excited." He murmured.

"At least they're happy." She sighed, rubbing her temples.

"You sure you don't want anything for the pain?" He offered again.

"It's not the pain." She sighed, "She's using colors again and I don't know what they mean."

"I do if you tell me the color."

"Periwinkle." She looked at him, a slight frown on her face.

"Empathy. The kind felt when apologizing." He replied.

She swallowed, nodding slowly. The color turned more earthy, though the hue stayed sharp. "She's showing green now."

"What shade?" "Earthy, but sharp."

"Guilt for something unchangeable."

Stop it. River thought back.

Stop it. Terra echoed, unclear on the meaning of the words. River was surprised by the words, not having expected to get anything back.

"River?" He looked at her, wondering what changed her expression.

"She repeated what I said..."

"That makes sense." He murmured.

"Why is that?"

"It's a way to learn if she doesn't know what a word means yet." He explained.

"Right." She breathed, slowly resting a hand on her belly, "Of course."

"You could try talking to her a bit more... Help her learn." He suggested gently.

She stared at him, obviously tensing, "I could."

He watched for carefully, taking note of her tension. "You don't have to now." He added.

She nodded slowly, "Right..."

Terra nudged against River's hand. For the first time, River didn't immediately pull her hand away, looking down at the spot. The Doctor looked as well. Another nudge, then pale yellow.

"What does yellow mean?" She asked softly.

"Darker can relate to worrying, light leans more towards hope."

"Come put your hand here," River whispered, moving hers away so he could put his on. The Doctor carefully and lightly placed his hand where hers hand been, constantly watching her body language to make sure his actions were okay.

The color slowly disappeared replaced by the emotion it had been representing.

River gently placed her hands over his, allowing him to use more pressure, sighed, "I don't want to fight with you."

He looked up at her, allowing his breath to escape. "I don't want to fight with you either."

"I love you."

He smiled. "I love you too. And I'm really sorry about what's happened. If I'd had control over it I would have stopped it."

"I'd rather not talk about it, Doctor." She whispered.

"Alright." He nodded, daring to wrap his arms around her. "That's okay."

She closed her eyes, pressing her face against his shoulder. He held her a bit more confidently.

Mum.

River sighed, not noticing the word at first.

"You hungry?" He asked.

Mummmm. This time, it was more like a hum.

"Not really." She sighed, though she tensed a bit when she finally noticed the hum.

"You should rest then." He murmured.

"I'm sure Vastra was up all night trying to help us, she needs more rest than I do."

"We could ask her."

River closed her eyes, pressing the palm of her hand against her forehead as the hum intensified.

You alright?" He frowned.

"Yes, I'm fine. Let's go talk to Vastra." She removed her hand, raising and walking out of the room. He followed and they headed towards the kitchen where they could hear Arthur still whining.

"Mummy's coming," River called, walking faster down the hall when she heard the baby's cries.

There was a stack of pancakes in the middle of the table that the girls were feasting from. They waved at River when she entered. Vastra was trying to calm Arthur, pacing with him in her arms.

"I can take him." River murmured, holding out her arms and smiling at her daughters, "You should go rest."

Vastra handed the boy off and he immediately calmed. "I... Are you sure? What if something happens again?"

"I'm positive." She kissed Arthur's temple, "Go."

Vastra smiled at River and nodded a small thanks, disappearing into the TARDIS.