Ch 36

"Alright," Clara whispered, knowing the King was right outside the doors. "Fake midwife, check. What do you need me to do?"

River took a breath, trying to ignore the throbbing on her side, "There are bottles of water with red dye in the console room, I need you to get them and pour them on the sheets. The TARDIS is in the closet." She whispered.

Clara nodded and quickly went to fetch them.

River faked some groans as Clara spread the fake blood on the floor and the sheets around her legs once she returned.

"So, just to be clear, are we faking a stillbirth?" Clara asked, disposing of the now empty bottles.

"I'm not sure yet. You need to call him back in here, tell him I'm having the baby, but I want to see him. Don't give him any other updates besides that."

"Okay. Do you want me to flick some water on you or something for sweat? You're going for realistic, right?" Though not really knowing what this whole ordeal was about, Clara was having a bit of fun with the whole 'let's trick a King' thing.

"Oh, yes, good thinking." River nodded, glad to see Clara was so excited about it all.

Clara produced some water from her bag as well as a bit of makeup. "Mind if I make you look a bit more flushed and exhausted?"

"Go for it." River smiled weakly, letting her do whatever she wanted.

Clara delightedly got to work making the scene look right. "You could try holding your breath for a bit to help with the flush. It'll also make it easier to pant."

River nodded, thanking her, "You should fetch him now, we don't want to overdo it, we have to make me look worse over time."

Clara put the things away, standing and dusting herself off before putting on the correct expression to go confront the King. River started panting, making sure she was in a position so that he would see the "blood."

There was concerned murmuring outside and then a loud exclamation from the King before he burst in. "My love, you told me she was the best in the land!"

"She is, my darling, she is. But not even the best in the land can prevent some things from happening." River reached for his hand, crocodile tears flooding her eyes.

"Surely our son will die if he is born now, oh my love, how could I have not seen this coming?"

Clara stood at the end of the bed, watching River for cues.

"C-Clara stated that perhaps stress from our fight could have put me in this state." River glanced at Clara, inviting her to confirm before, touching his cheek, "And now that row might be in vain as I may never wear that crown now." She tensed, faking a contraction.

Clara tried to sound as medical professional as she could. "Yes, high stress from arguments have dangerous effec-"

"Oh, my beautiful queen!" The King interrupted. "This is all my doing! And over some silly piece of gold. I vow, my love, you will receive it as soon as I can give." He stroked her cheek, the touch probably the gentlest he'd been since he'd married her.

River leaned into his hand, "The sooner the better, my da-Augh!" She made to look like she was having another, worse contraction, to alarm him further.

He pulled her into his arms, holding her through the false pain. "I cannot bear to lose you, my queen. Please, can you promise your survival?"

She clung to him, knowing he loved to be treated as her hero, "I will try my best, my darling. And should our son not survive, I promise we will have another." She pressed her face into his neck, wetting it with her false tears.

"Your majesty, I must insist that you wait elsewhere while I tend to your wife." Clara urged.

River nuzzled his neck, then let him go, "Be brave, my lord."

Clara ushered him out and turned back to River. "Wow, you are really good with the whole 'pain' thing. I honestly thought some of that was real."

"Well, when you've had four kids, you know what to do." She smiled weakly at her, "You should send for hot towels in a bit."

"Gotcha. So, do you have more of a plan? Anyone fake dying today?" Clara sat on the edge of the bed and offered River a butterscotch from her bag.

She declined, thinking for a minute, "If he gives me the crown, then yes. If not, then no..."

"This crown you're after, it sounds like something he'll only give up once you're through with all this."

River hummed, "What do you suggest we do?" She was curious and so far, Clara had proved to be very good at this trickery.

"You don't actually have a baby prop or something, do you? I think he'll be much more willing to give you the crown as a reward if he actually gets what he wants. What about Arthur? Also, make a pained noise," she paused a moment. "Now."

River nodded, groaning in "pain", "We could certainly get Arthur. The only problem is if I have the baby, I risk losing my biggest bargaining chip for the crown."

"How?" Clara frowned, not quite following.

"Well the baby is the thing he wants the most at the moment, and so far, I've found it very beneficial to scare him into giving me the things I want. I was thinking, if I manage to scare him enough into thinking I'm going to die, he'll give me it."

Clara nodded, River's logic seeming fine. "But what happens after? Knock him out and run for it? Leave him with a plastic baby doll and an IOU? Isn't there supposed to be some sort of clean up?"

"Or I go on a diplomatic visit and get captured and killed on the way home." She had clearly planned this.

"And bring the 'baby' with you so he doesn't have anything. Oh, that is good! Evil, but really good."

"Why thank you." River smiled, "Now, which plan should we go with, having the baby, or stopping the labor. If we have the baby, we'll need Arthur. If we stop the labor, we can try to get the crown from him again, and if it fails, can stage a dramatic scene go into labor again, which will hopefully make him feel guilty enough to give me the crown." She groaned at the end of the sentence to fake another bout of pain.

Clara flinched, then tried to laugh it off. "Oh god, I thought that was real for a second. Um, baby. It's more solid and I think will get better results. Plus, all this scenery has to have a dramatic plot, don't you think?"

"Yes, I quite agree." She smiled.

"Problem, though, I can't fly the TARDIS and Arthur is a bit old for the part."

River sighed, "Alright, we need to find a way around that."

"Don't have you weird alien things to make him look like a preemie? Like what you use to hide your pregnancy sometimes." Clara suggested.

"Well, we have psychic blankets which work like psychic paper, we could use that." She suggested.

That sparked an idea. "Do you have the psychic paper with you? We could get a message to the Doctor so we don't have to use the TARDIS."

"No," River breathed, "I don't want him here. We're not exactly speaking at the moment."

Clara frowned but decided that it was probably best not to ask at the moment. They'd work it out, she assured herself, as they always did. "...Okay, maybe someone else can pick Arthur up? No, hang on, can the psychic blanket make the King see a baby without there actually being a baby in there?"

"It's possible, but I'd rather at least have a doll there so it'll be easier for us to keep track."

"Can the TARDIS make something? Like, a little robot that looks like a baby? Wait is that too silly?"

River smiled, "Yes, I think that's a bit out there for the TARDIS."

"Okay, regular baby doll then. I can go grab that. Also, where do you keep the psychic blankets?" She was getting excited again.

"Don't worry, the TARDIS will show you."

Clara nodded. "Back in a tic. Make some more noise."

River's groans grew louder, but she flashed Clara a smile to assure they weren't real. The younger woman quickly headed into the TARDIS. River waited for her return, gasping and groaning as she did.

Clara came back with the blanket wrapped up. "I used one of the twin's old toys if that's alright. Also, I got a perception filter for after."

River smiled, "That's perfect, thank you."

"Right so," She sat back on the edge of the bed. "now it's all a matter of timing, right?"

River nodded, "We could call him in here again now, he'll be wanting an update anyway."

"Isn't it improper?" She pointed out.

"Does it look like he cares? Half the things he says to me are improper."

Clara gave a shrug of her shoulder as if to say, 'fair enough'. She hid the things from the TARDIS in her bag, "How about the whole 'near death' thing, we doing that now?"

"We could try it." She nodded.

"More makeup!" Clara decided, clapping her hands as if this were a girly slumber party. She set to work making River look very pale from blood loss and even more exhausted than before. "Okay, put your legs up like you've been pushing."

"Yes, ma'am," River smiled, putting her legs up.

Clara arranged the sheet purposefully. She paused like she had an idea, then got the things from before back out of her bag and hid them under the sheet. "In case he insists on staying." She explained.

"Good thinking. I may have to invite you along more often." She winked.

"I can't say I'd mind that," Clara grinned. "Make sure you can get the filter on discretely. I'm going to get him, make some more dramatic sounds, throw in some words."

River nodded, doing just as Clara suggested.

The King was pacing very anxiously outside the door when Clara opened it. "Sir, her condition is very dire, I'm not sure she'll ma-" He pushed past her into the room.

River whimpered when he entered, her eyes half opened as she lay in the heap of blankets and pillows. She made it seem as though she could hardly lift her arm to take his hand.

"Oh, my River, my queen." He looked utterly distraught. "The Gods cannot take you from me now, oh please tell me this is not the end."

"My darling, Philip, if only I had been better for you." She groaned, putting a hand to her stomach, "If only I hadn't feared to be without your kingdom's acceptance-"

"None of it matters now. You will have all you desire, now and forever." He promised, stroking the side of her face.

River made her hands tremble as they reached to touch his face as well, "I'm afraid it may be too late. If I don't have that crown within the hour, I may never live to see it."

"I will inform you, sir," Clara tapped his shoulder. "That whatever last words or last gifts you have for your wife, there may not be another time."

River cried out, clutching her stomach once more, fake terror flooding her eyes once more.

"My love, I do not wish to leave you, but if there is no other time..." He hesitated.

Clara nodded, "Yes, yes absolutely, there is no other time."

"I will return, please do not join the other side before I do." He begged River.

"I'll stay here just to see you again." She whispered.

"Hurry!" Clara rushed him.

The King ran out of the room, shouting at the servants to open the vaults to the crown jewels.

"Looks like we don't need my backup plan just yet. How long do you think he'll take?" Clara asked.

River shrugged, "If he's hurrying, twenty minutes at the most."

"Oh good. Gives me time." She got another butterscotch out and popped it in her mouth. River smiled, though she still played her part as they waited. Clara commented at one point that River could have been an actress.

When she heard the King rushing back, she positioned herself at the end of the bed.

"Scream."

River clutched the sheets of the bed, crying out like she was in agony.

The door burst open with the King storming back in and servants behind him, carrying something on a pillow.

River looked weakly back up at her husband, "My love..."

He gestured for the servants to bring over the pillow, the object on it the polished gold crown River had been after. "Oh, darling." River murmured, staring at the crown, "It's beautiful."

"Here." He placed it on her matted curls, kissing her forehead. "Let this be the anchor for your soul, a message to the Gods that you are too beautiful for death's hand to take you."

She smiled weakly up at him, looking exhausted though inside she was thrilled to finally have the crown in her possession. "You are so wise, so handsome, so brave and so strong. You are my true anchor, and the Gods must soon see that we are to perfect for one another to be torn apart."

"I shall not leave your side, I cannot bear to." He insisted.

"Don't you fear for what people may think of the impropriety of it?" She groaned, the noise reaching a near scream once more.

"The people need not have to know." He glared at the servants, ensuring none would spread the word of it.

River screamed again, clutching his hand as tightly as she could. He winced and the servants ran from the room.

"Your majesty King, if you will, there's something in my bag I need to help your wife," Clara said.

"What is it that you need?" He asked, glancing at her for a moment, before looking back at River.

"There's a small, thin black box if you would please." She was talking about her phone, but she knew the King would have no idea what it was.

The King immediately went in search of it, to worried to even question the object. Clara took the phone and hid it with the other things, making it look like she was doing something important. In reality, she was looking up sound effects for a baby crying. "Big push now, ma'am, hard as you can!"

River leaned forward, "pushing" and trembling with the effort. The King held her all the tighter, not actually familiar with any of what was going on. River groaned, falling limply against the man, clutching his arm.

They made a big show of it for the next little while, making it King think he was witnessing the birth of his heir. Clara sometimes would mutter something worrying like 'she's losing too much blood' or 'stay awake, River' to add to the terror effect. She felt a little bad for how pale the King was looking, but she also prided herself on that as it assured they looked very convincing.

"Last push, now, your majesty." Clara wondered if River would pull anything for their grand finale.

"My love..." River murmured, turning her head against the King's chest, "I don't know if I have the strength to continue."

"You must." He squeezed her hand. "My love, you must find the strength in you to bear our son."

Terra gave a low kick. River held his hand tighter, "I cannot bear to leave you. If only I had your strength."

"You have more strength in you than any woman in this land, I'm certain of it." His hand was aching at this point, but he endured it thinking River was enduring much more.

"If you have that much faith in me, then your words must be true." She murmured, pulling him in for a kiss.

Terra kicked agitatedly against the weight of the King, knowing it wasn't the Doctor. River ignored her daughter, finally breaking the kiss and pretending to finish pushing.

Clara made enough hand movements to look like she was catching and wrapping a baby, really just tucking her phone into the psychic blanket and playing the sound effect she'd found. "You've got a little baby boy!" She announced, handing over the deception.

River immediately looked up at the King to make sure he believed it, slipping on the perception filter.

"He's so small..." He looked like he'd had a hard time managing to make words, face quite pale.

"That's what children who come to early look like." Clara murmured as she placed the "baby" in River's arms, "With careful nursing, he'll be alright and grow just as strong as you, your majesty."

He reaching out a finger, the blanket allowing him to see a little, live, breathing baby wrapping his tiny hand around the digit. The King promptly fainted.

River rolled her eyes, "Oh, honestly..."

"Might make clean up a little easier," Clara commented. "So much for the whole 'men can handle more gore'." She chuckled.

"Yes, I suppose." River smiled, "Would you mind calling someone in to put him on the bed?"

She nodded and moved to the door, grabbing two hovering servants. Clara helped them get the King on the bed next to River and clear away the bloodied sheets. River closed her eyes, trying to relax as she was actually a bit tired after all the acting.

"You should take a lemon drop or tea for your throat," Clara suggested once the servants had gone. "I can imagine all that yelling is very good for it."

River's eyes opened once more and she smiled tiredly, "I would love one if you had it."

She searched in her bag again. "All I've got's a cough drop."

"Oh, then never mind." River glanced at the King, resting a hand on his chest.

"Checking it he still has a pulse?" Clara teased.

River didn't respond, watching him carefully, "He's surprised me a lot today..."

"You made him go through all that thinking it was real, people act all sorts of ways when presented with a trauma like that." She started rummaging through her bag again, mind elsewhere so the words just sort of slipped out. "Didn't the Doctor act differently than you expected when he had the same experience first hand?"

River's eyes shifted to look at Clara, tensing immediately. She didn't have time to respond before the King began to stir beside her.