(Relationship trigger warnings strong here)
Ch 39
In the morning, River was woken by dog slobber, Toby happily licking her face. "Ugh, Toby!" She hissed, pushing him out of bed. He plopped to the floor, looked expectantly up at her. She slowly stood, going to leave to TARDIS. Toby followed her, acting a lot like Tiber.
The dog got ahead and River followed him out the doors. He hurried to the kitchen where he knew someone would be up to feed him. She rubbed her sore back, following him at a much slower pace, wanting to sit and have a glass of water.
The cats were in the kitchen when she entered, hovering around a pair of hands opening a can of food for them. River paused in the doorway as her eyes fell on the owner of the hands.
The man didn't notice her, as his back was to her. It wasn't until he straightened up and got the dog food from the cupboard did the Doctor turn around and still his movements, staring. As soon as their eyes met, River averted her gaze, looking everywhere but at him.
"How long?" He asked quietly, forcing himself to him and finish the task of feeding the dog.
"Three weeks."
"A month." He gave an answer too, though she hadn't asked.
She returned to silence, going to get a glass of water.
"The kettle's on." He whispered. "Do you want some tea?"
"No."
He nodded and sighed silently. "You're not back because of me, are you?"
"Why would I be back because of you?" She asked, getting a glass out of the cabinet.
"Because you might've been ready to speak to me." He sounded hurt. "You might've been ready to hear an apology. Because I'm your husband and I haven't so much as laid eyes on you in a month."
She sighed, massaging her temple, "Alright, let's hear it then. Let's hear the apology."
He blinked at her, not realizing she actually wanted to listen to him. "I've... I've had a million different versions of this conversation in my head. All of them are rubbish so I'm not going to use any of them, but I'll start with obvious: I'm sorry."
He looked at the cats, eyes scanning around for something to focus on before deciding it wasn't worth hiding from her gaze. "I'm sorry for what I said, for how I made you feel. I'm sorry that that topic keeps coming up, and I'm sorry it drove you away. I... I was really confused at the time and hurt and I lashed out. I made assumptions that cost me you."
She watched him, her face not changing from its cold expression, "Feel better?"
"Not really." He admitted. "That was kind of rubbish apology as far as apologies go..."
She poured herself a glass of water, sitting down at the table, not looking at him.
"Though, I don't think you wanted to hear it either." He added.
"What day is it?" She asked, not looking at him.
"18th of May." He murmured.
"Not the date, the day." She muttered.
"Saturday." He tried again. She nodded slowly. He paused for a moment of thought. "If you're asking about Mother's Day, that was last Wednesday."
"I wasn't." She snapped, though her expression fell and she closed her eyes.
"Thought you'd want to know anyways." He said, hardly audible. River sighed, burying her head in her hands. "River..." He finally sat across from her. She didn't answer him and didn't look up. "We have something planned for you still... If you want."
"Oh, seriously? Is that why you think I'm upset?" She snapped at him again.
"No, it was just an effort to make you feel better." He muttered, keeping his tone calm.
She stared at him for a minute, then stood, leaving the kitchen and going back to the TARDIS. "I shouldn't have come back."
He jumped to follow, Tiber coming along too. "River, you're due in barely a month, please don't disappear again."
She ignored him, going back inside the ship and locking the door.
He knocked, trying not to sound frantic. "Please, River!"
She tried to set the coordinates, but she quickly saw that she had nowhere to go. Her get away for the past seven months had been all used up. She pulled some levers, slamming down on one of the buttons, just needing to get away.
The TARDIS groaned in protest, not moving since the Doctor was clinging to the outside. "If you want an out, just say so!"
"Let go!" She shouted, hitting the button again.
The ship made the same noise, but this time started dematerializing. River sunk to the floor, her forehead pressed against the console. The TARDIS landed, a small jolt around the console.
What's wrong?
River didn't answer, staying in the same, silent position for hours.
Terra tumbled restlessly, trying to ease her boredom. She kicked and moved and practiced the words she knew, trying to get a response from her mother.
River wanted to just disappear. She refused to speak. She hardly moved. The hours stretched, and she began to lose track of time. The TARDIS hummed to her, trying to sooth her the only was she could.
She eventually fell asleep in the console room in the same spot where she had been sitting for hours.
The Doctor hadn't let go of the TARDIS when it took off. Though the ship had extended her shields for him, he had still passed out, when they landed, staying knocked out for a good two or three hours.
He didn't try to confront River again when he woke, figuring he would upset her more, instead taking in his surroundings. When he figured out where he was, he sat, leaning against the side of the box and waiting.
River stayed asleep for a few hours, eventually waking up and getting up to go look outside. They'd landed on on a small piece of land surrounded by water, identical islands scattered around this one. Each was covered in red flowers and four moons hung in the early morning light.
She stood in the doorway, not noticing the Doctor at first. He wondered if he should say something, eventually deciding to. "Do you recognize it?"
She stiffened at the sound of his voice, "What the hell are you doing here?"
"I didn't let go." He murmured, eyes fixed on the island closest to them.
"And you left our children alone!" She slammed the door, going back to the console.
He stood and followed her in. "We're in a time machine, we can be gone for five seconds."
"Well, the whole point in my leaving was to get away from you."
He flinched, "I just want you to talk to me. Why is that so much to ask?"
"Because I don't want to talk! I want to be away from you!" She turned on him, "Why can't you understand that?"
"Could you?" He forced out a little louder.
"Yes!"
"How? How could you possibly justify it if I wanted to be away from you without contact for that long?" His attempt at calm was failing him. He wasn't exactly shouting but is was clear that he was upset. "How could you think that it would be okay to just up and leave my children and the woman that I love?"
"Get away from me!" She shouted at him, "I don't want to see you anymore! All you've ever done is push and push and push me to points and places where I'm not comfortable! How could you say you love me when you do that? How could you say you love me when you're constantly making me feel as though I'm not good enough for you? You make me feel as though I'm always doing something wrong!"
He felt like the wind got knocked out of him, any comment about her hiding the damage until she was already broken caught in his throat. "Ask for an out then."
She stayed silent for a minute, "What's...?"
"What's what?" He bit out, staring intently at a leaver.
"What's my out." She murmured.
"It's out of this marriage. I'm not going to stay in limbo and I'm not waiting around with false hope when you've already made up your mind about how you feel about me and made assumptions about how I feel about you. You want an out, so ask for one." He gripped the console.
His words broke her heart and made her feel woozy. It wasn't at all what she wanted, but to her, it didn't sound like he was terribly opposed to it, "Can you...drop me off with Vastra?"
He took a shaky breath, looking utterly drained at he reached for the leavers.
"So is this it?" She whispered.
"This is what you want." He managed, fighting against his own voice. "This is the only thing I can give you to make you happy."
She stared at him, disbelief across her face, "Is that what you really think?" She shook her head, her whole body trembling as she walked towards the doors, "If that's honestly what you think..." She trailed off, unable to find the words to express how hurt she was.
"Please, tell me I'm wrong then." He looked over at her.
"If you really think that this is the only thing you can do to make me happy..." She shook her head, "Then you're not wrong at all." She whispered, finally stepping out of the TARDIS.
The Doctor collapsed onto the jump seat, head in his hands as the TARDIS levers moved on their own.
River fell into the closest chair, crying quietly in her hands when she heard the TARDIS disappearing behind her. Vastra was there in moments by her friend's side, arms wrapped unquestioningly around her. River buried her face in her friend's shoulder, sobbing.
"My dear, what happened?" Vastra rubbed River's back.
She tried to explain, but she couldn't, unable to control her tears long enough to speak a coherent sentence.
Jenny came in to see what all the noise was about, quickly exiting and shooing Strax into another room.
"Why don't you sit somewhere more comfortable, Jenny will make some tea." Vastra offered warmly. River hardly responded, a sobbing mess against the woman. Vastra sighed sympathetically and urged her into standing, bringing her to a cushioned couch while keeping her in her arms.
River finally began to calm enough to speak, recounting what had happened to her friend. Vastra listened carefully, Jenny brought in tea somewhere along the way River paused several times to keep herself calm.
Vastra looked like she had a number of comments by the end, though said none of them, giving River another hug. "I'm so sorry." River barely acknowledged the hug or the words, as stiff and still as a stone.
Jenny came in to offer another round of tea. River declined hers, having hardly touched the first cup. Vastra accepted hers.
"I do not believe this... separation will be permanent." She said after a minute.
River glanced at her, "Why?"
"It's difficult to explain." She put down her tea. "But it's obvious neither of you wants this."
"Sometimes it's less about wanting it and more about needing it."
"What you both need is each other regardless of how inconvenient that need is."
She shook her head, "So you're saying that it's good for me to be with a man who thinks that the only way he can make me happy is by giving up?"
"No, that's not what I'm saying at all." Vastra sighed. "Did he know at all? That this was how you felt, was this the first time you've told him this?"
"This isn't the first time we've had this argument." River whispered, "We've fought about this before, but it's never been this bad." She buried her head in her hands.
She put her hand on River's shoulder. "I believe you both need time to cool down."
"You don't understand." River whispered, "It's not going to get better this time. It can't always get better."
"And if it were? If he came back and tried to fix it, if he came back and tried to talk... What would you do then?"
"If he came back to talk, I would listen, but I can't say that anything would change or get better." She sighed, "I can't live the rest of my life listening to him tell me he loves me, and then making me feel like I'm the worst person in the universe."
"Perhaps it would be beneficial for you to speak back. Change won't happen unless it's elicited..." Vastra stopped and shook her head, not wanting to push so soon. "You are welcome to stay as long as you need."
"Just because I talk back, doesn't mean things will change." She sighed "Besides, I don't know if he'll ever come back."
"I can't say I agree. Would you like help setting up your room?"
"No, thank you." River whispered, "I can do it." She slowly stood, heading up the stairs.
Vastra sighed worriedly after her, heavily debating on calling the Doctor to get his perspective. She stood, going to the phone and calling the TARDIS.
The phone nearly used up all its rings before someone picked up. "...Hello?"
"Doctor." Vastra murmured, "Are you alright?"
He thought about lying but, didn't have the energy. "No."
"Can you tell me what happened?" She asked gently.
"Hasn't River told you?"
"Yes, but I want to hear it from you now."
He sighed hollowly. "River left me. We were having that stupid fight again and she left for a month and she left again. I tried to talk to her and immediately she ran and she said she never wanted to see me again and... well, I offered her an out." He admitted. "I don't know if I was expecting her to take it but she did."
"Did you really think the out was the only thing you could do to make her happy?"
"I... no. I couldn't- I can't think straight. I was trying not to say anything, I was trying to be simple because I didn't think she needed me crowding her, but-" He pinched the bridge of his nose. "I really just don't know what to do. She thinks I don't respect her and I just... I don't know."
Vastra sighed, "I think you two need to talk, face to face, and clear everything up."
"She doesn't want to see me. She said that she doesn't." He reminded.
"She was upset. You know how she says things when she's upset."
He nodded slowly, though Vastra couldn't see. "I also know she likes space when she's upset."
"How about you come by in a few days, that way she has time to cool off and you have time to figure out what to say to her."
"Alright." He breathed. "Do you... never mind. Just, take care of her please."
"Of course." Vastra murmured.
"Thank you. And if she'll hear it, tell her I'm sorry."
"I think it would be best if I saved that for you to tell her." Vastra murmured.
"I understand. ...Thank you."
"Of course." She murmured, hanging up the phone.
