Ch 40
For the next three days, River hardly left her room. She refused to eat and spent most of the days sleeping. Vastra did her best to urge her to eat or come to other rooms of the house to get a little movement in her. Most of her efforts were useless. Vastra exchanged plates of old food for new ones. The curtains remained drawn, and River never really seemed to realize that her friend was even in the room, lost in her own thoughts.
Today was no different, though this time, Vastra sighed purposely loud enough for River to hear. "River, you really need to eat something."
"Not hungry." River murmured.
"That can't be true you've hardly eaten in days." She urged.
"Vastra, please. I'm fine. I'll eat when I'm hungry."
"There's fresh food for you here." She put a plate down were River would find.
"Thank you." She murmured quietly. Vastra offered a weak smile, going down stairs.
River ignored the food but finally got up out of bed, getting dressed for the first time in days.
Terra kicked at River's ribs, as she had been for a while in her attempts to be motivating. River winced, pressing her hand to her side as she moved slowly around the room, struggling to fit herself into the Victorian styled gown.
Terra prodded back against were the dress pressing. No.
Stop. River sighed, giving the dress another tug.
Uncomfortable. She gave a mental frown.
This is all we have. She sat down on the edge of the bed once the dress was finally on, contemplating if she should even bother going downstairs or if she should just get back in bed.
Terra wiggled and adjusted grumpily. Papa.
River could immediately feel the tears threatening to fill her eyes, Please, don't Terra.
The girl hadn't felt his hand in a very long time and had recently started complaining about its absence. Sisters?
River just wanted the little voice in her head to stop. She needed it to stop. She buried her head in her hands, crying quietly. Her whole world, everything she had known for years was crumbling at her feet and she didn't know how, or if it could ever be fixed and all Terra was doing was making it worse.
Terra continued asking for her family, partially drowning out the sound of the TARDIS materializing.
River was laying on the bed, looking as if she was about to start tearing clumps of her hair out, crying. There were murmuring downstairs and footsteps coming up before a knock on the door. River barely heard the knocks, Terra's complaints once again drowning out the sound.
"River?" It wasn't Vastra's voice. "River, i-it's me." The sound only made her more upset. "Can I come in? I'd like to talk..."
She sighed, trying to collect herself. "Fine, come in."
The Doctor opened the door quietly, closing it behind him. "Vastra said I might find you here."
She kept her back to him, looking down at her now ring-less fingers. "Here I am."
He stood there for a good minute watching her and taking in the darkened room. She looked paler and he also noted the untouched plate of food on the dresser. He shifted his feet before somewhat blurting out, "River I don't want you to take the out."
She sighed, the words not meaning much to her, "If that's what you came here to talk about, then I'm sorry, but I've already made up my mind."
"I don't want you to have done because you think I wanted you to." He watched her shoulders rise and fall.
"It's more than that now."
"What changed?" He asked.
"I had time to think." She whispered.
"...I did too. That's why I'm here." He wasn't trying to beg on his knees for her back, but he wasn't above it. "I need you to know that what I said was stupid and in the spur of a moment where I was hurt. I do respect you, even if it doesn't come across that way all the time. I feel awful that I ever made you feel like you were anything less than you are."
"How is this time going to be any different from the other times we've had this argument? Things have never changed." She swallowed, not wanting to cry anymore, "I think, maybe we were a better team when we were apart."
"You know that can't be true. We can make this time count, we can make the change because there's no point in letting our mistakes bury us when we can learn instead."
She shook her head, "I don't know if I can trust that."
"Is this any better? Hiding in this room, not eating... you look miserable. And yes, I know what miserable feels like, it hasn't left me for weeks." He shook his head, refusing to stray from this, this wasn't about him. "River, a month ago I was your family. I'm not going to give up so easily, I was an idiot for considering it."
"Just because I love you doesn't mean we should be together." She took a deep breath, her voice breaking on the last word, "I can't live with you anymore." She whispered, "I can't constantly feel as if I'm chasing after a dream that I'll never be good enough for."
"Ground me then. Tell me to shut up and slow down and listen. Tell me to change, because right now I'm at your will to bend. I can't read minds and I can't know what I can do to make you understand that love is all the reason there needs to be for us to be together. I can think of a million more than that.
I'm not trying to be up on a pedestal. I'm not trying to be the Timelord victorious, I'm just a man with a box and kids and chasing after the only other person in the universe who could possibly understand me. I'm sorry that I made you feel like you weren't good enough, I feel exactly the opposite. I never meant to distance you, I'm really trying hard to not, but I need you to meet me halfway."
"Where is halfway?" She couldn't look at him, it hurt too much.
"Talk to me like I'm not already gone. Telling me what I can do to start making amends, to start changing for you."
"I don't want you to change who you are for me. That's not what a proper marriage is." She shook her head.
"Neither is making you feel like crap. I want to be better for you, River. I can't afford to make any more mistakes." His expression was pleading.
She swallowed, staring at him. She didn't want to say no, but she also couldn't bring herself to say yes. His eyes trailed down to the floor.
"Look. I want to be there for you. We have kids together, we're about to have another... I can't- I can't do this alone and I don't want you to have to be on your own for this when you don't have to be. I'm sorry that loving you made you feel horrible. I don't know when it started, but I feel horrible. I'm sorry I couldn't love you the way you needed but that doesn't mean I don't respect you. It doesn't mean I don't still love you with all that I have, and I want to learn to do it better. I just can't figure it out if you don't help me. I'll... be downstairs."
She laughed bitterly, "You're already doing it again."
He stopped. "Tell me what I did."
She shook her head, trying to hide how crushed she was, "You said, 'I'm sorry that loving you made you feel horrible.' Do you know how I feel when you say things like that? You make me feel like I'm not allowed to be upset. You make me feel like I'm the worst person in the world. The innocent Doctor and his wicked witch of a wife." She paused, "And to think I almost said yes. It hasn't been five minutes and it's already started again."
"I-I didn't mean it like that. You are allowed to be upset, you have every right to be furious. Please, that's not what I meant by that..." He said in a panic.
"Then what did you mean?" She looked away from him, "If that's not what you meant then why did you say it?"
"I-It was meant that I'm rubbish, it wasn't a blow at you, It was to point out my incompetence at all this." His voice shook.
She shook her head, "That's not what you said. I think⦠I think this conversation is over now."
"River please, I didn't- don't, I-I can't..." He held his breath to stop himself from tripping over any more words.
She hadn't realized that she had started crying again, "I'm sorry, Doctor. I can't do it anymore."
His fists clenched by his sides. "There's no better reason to be together than love." He choked out. "There's no better reason to fix this than love." He looked away and turned to the door.
River sunk to the floor, crying into her hands, unable to hold it anymore.
The Doctor only made it halfway down the stairs before sitting and breaking down himself. He hit himself a few times in the head, muttering 'idiot' as his vision blurred with tears.
Vastra climbed the stairs slowly, sitting beside him, "Doctor? What happened?"
"I screwed it up again." He croaked.
Vastra sighed, "Do you want me to talk with her?"
"I don't see what good you can do. My mistake seems irreversible."
She sighed, "I'm sorry, Doctor, I don't have all the answers."
"I know, I know." He said into his hands. "I just... I can't lose her, Vastra."
She nodded, "I know."
There was a minute of silence before he stood shakily, "I'll be downstairs."
"You're not going to try again?" She asked.
"I will. Just not right now." He needed to collect himself, or at least let himself break down where Vastra didn't have to see. And River needed some more space at that.
Vastra nodded, "Take your time." She waited on the stairs for a short while, listening to the happenings downstairs.
She could hear Jenny offer tea and Strax offer to blow up something, both of which the Doctor declined. She stood eventually, and went off to River's room, knocking softly.
"Yes?" It took River about a minute to answer, her voice sounding faint.
"It's Vastra. May I come in?"
"Yes." She murmured, though she didn't stand from her place on the floor.
The door clicked open and Vastra spotted her, moving to sit in front of her. "What happened?"
River sighed, having stopped crying by now, "I don't think we're going to...stay married."
"Now how can that be true?" She protested.
"He's never going to stop. I'm always going to feel the way I feel when I'm with him."
"Why didn't you before, then?" Vastra questioned.
"What do you mean?" She asked.
"You've been married to this man for decades untold and have shared great and lasting happiness with him. My perspective is limited, of course, but he does not seem to be acting very differently and your recent troubles... well, I can't help but think there must be an alternate and new problem that has been with you only within the past months that is perhaps causing the tension."
River swallowed, already knowing what the new problem was, Terra. "Perhaps I've finally had some clarity."
"There are many names I would give this, but clarity is not one of them."
River tensed, "Then what would you call it since you seem to know what's going on in my head so well."
Vastra backed down. "My apologies, River. I don't mean to pose as though I do." She sighed. "It's only that it doesn't take much to see that you are angry and scared. I wish to help the both of you." She added quietly.
"Even if I went back to him, I don't know how we would ever be able to get back to the way we used to be after this." She whispered.
"With a little understanding and more communication." She suggested. "But I believe the external problem would be the first problem to deal with."
River buried her head in her hands, feeling like no one was understanding, "Fine. Fine, you all win. I'll go back and pretend like nothing's ever happened. I'll live the rest of my life with this man who I'll never be able to look at the same way again!"
"River that's not what I-" The Timelady was already out of the room, going to sit in the TARDIS.
The ship took off on its own accord, leaving Vastra and the Doctor behind. "Hey!" River ran to the console, trying to stop the machine from going, "What are you doing?!" The TARDIS whirred mechanically, not listening to her directions. "Stop it!" River shouted at the machine, hitting the console in frustration.
The TARDIS stopped in a sudden lurch, landed. River glanced towards the doors, slowly walking towards them and opening them.
She was back at the place she was a few days ago with the small islands of red flowers. It was darker, this time, orange light reflecting on the water alongside the blue from the light on the TARDIS and the multiple moons.
"Why did you bring me here?" River whispered.
Alone. It was Terra who responded.
I didn't say I wanted to be alone. River growled, going back to the console, and hitting the coordinates to go back to Vastra.
The TARDIS didn't budge.
Bigger Mummy says I'm alone.
Well, I don't know what she means by that. She was only growing more irritated when the TARDIS didn't listen to her.
The controls locked themselves.
Big Mummy says I can't hear.
Well, I don't know why she's telling you that!
She not tell you to understand. She tell me to show sound. Two sounds.
River ignored the words, this time, not understanding what her daughter was trying to say. She slammed on the controls, tugging on the levers.
The TARDIS groaned angrily in response.
Mummy, I'm scared!
I don't know what you want me to do! I can't fix you! I can't fix anything! Just stop talking to me!
I'm not broken! I'm not little brother! I'm not sisters or big brother or Papa! She kicked hard.
River screamed in frustration, hitting the controls once more.
The button she slammed sparked. "Voice interface enabled." River growled, hitting the button again to turn it off. The hologram deactivated and everything was still.
She closed her eyes, leaning against the console and trying to pilot the ship once more. A few select controls moved for her like un-oiled metal. "Why won't you work?!" River hissed, the few controls that did move weren't the ones she needed to get home.
Her question was met with silence.
"Why are these the only controls you've made work? What's so special about these?" She sighed, pressing a few of the lit buttons.
The TARDIS started flying, this ride very smooth and quiet like a tiptoe. River sighed, sitting down in the jump seat, knowing that wherever they were going, it wasn't where she wanted to go.
