{So I probs won't be able to update on time tomorrow, so rather than being super late, I'm here early! Triggers relating to loss -more William things.}
Ch 63Sitting, almost as if waiting for the Doctor, in the living room, was River's brown book. The Doctor didn't notice it at first, going straight to the fireplace first and setting the fire up.
When he did finally see it, he nearly stumbled back like it was pointing a gun at him. "Oh, why does this keep showing up?" He frowned. Surely River wouldn't have left it lying around.
The TARDIS groaned, trying to show that she was the one that put it there both times.
He grumbled at the ship. "You know that River doesn't want me looking in here. I'm not going to betray her trust unless her life depends on it!"
The TARDIS groaned again, trying to persuade him to open it. She was trying to tell him that it was important.
"Well if it is then why are you making me doing behind her back, then?" The Doctor was still protesting, but part of him was starting to want to listen to the ship. She was an eleventh emotional sentient being after all, and generally wanted what was best for River.
The TARDIS knew River well enough to know that she would never tell the Doctor what was in the diary on her own, however, the ship wanted the Doctor to know what River had been writing about.
"Old girl, she'll kill me if she knows I looked in her book. I really mean it. Nothing good can come from this and she'll be furious for betraying her trust. I can't screw up again, I'll lose her." He said, though was now clutching the book tightly.
Down the hall, there was a clatter and a gasp, followed by a swear. The hall went silent for a moment before River called, "Doctor! I spilled something and I need to wash up, I'll be with you in a bit."
"Need any help?" He called back, hoping for an excuse to ignore his nagging ship.
"No, I'm alright!" She called.
The TARDIS persisted.
"Why can't you just tell me what's so important?" He scolded the old girl. "Is River in danger? And why wouldn't she tell me if she was?"
The TARDIS groaned, refusing to tell him.
"Ugh!" He groaned in frustration. "Well, maybe it's not that bloody important if you won't tell me!"
The TARDIS made the temperature in the room rise, showing she was angry. A door new to the Doctor's eyes appeared on the other side of the room, though it was locked.
"And now you've just resorted to- woah!" He yelped as the ship lurched, him and the book flying sideways. The later landed face up and open.
The Doctor swallowed, approaching to pick the book up. River's handwriting filled up the page. The date was rather recent, from right about the time when River had left the family for a month.
I didn't realize, I made it look exactly like William. Now I don't know how I'll ever be able to leave.
The Doctor stared at the sentences, prying his eyes away. River had never told him about what she did in the time she was away, and he'd never asked for fear of her pushing him away. Without context, what he saw made no sense to him aside from William's name.
That stood out boldly to him. Made what look like William? Leave where?
"Why are you doing this?" He asked the ship once more. "I swear, if you throw me under the bus here, I'll take apart every last screw you have."
He started reading.
The rest of the entry made a bit more sense, talking about how River didn't want to leave the kingdom and go back home: The Teselecta that had been made to look like her son was pulling her in. Having the machine made her feel better. It felt like her son was still alive. She didn't think she'd ever be able to leave the son that she had already lost once.
The Doctor was kicking himself at every word read. At the same time, he wondered why River wouldn't just tell him all of this. He didn't feel angry or hurt, but rather curious and intrigued. What had happened to the robot?
His mind immediately jumped to the reports he remembered reading of other Teselectas who'd converted their mechanics to flesh and blood. Would River want to try that with the robot William if it was still around? He couldn't just suggest it, then she'd know he'd read the book. Somewhat against his will, he kept reading.
The diary went on to explain how River didn't know if the Doctor would ever understand if she tried to explain it to him. It was clear in her words how much she was hurting, re-living the loss of their son all over again.
After she had finally decided to leave, according to the diary, the Teselecta wasn't powered down. She had set it to sleep state and locked it in the room that was supposed to be William's.
The TARDIS unlocked one of the doors so, if the Doctor wanted, he could see for himself what River had done.
He stood slowly, swallowing hard. He wasn't sure if he was even ready to see what was essentially his son, thinking it might hurt the way River had been hurting when she wrote this. His feet betrayed him and started walking anyways.
The Teselecta was "sleeping" peacefully in the crib, a blanket and stuffed animal tucked around it, both of which had been indented for William. The room had never been finished and had been abandoned up until the day River had put the Teselecta in.
The Doctor felt his stomach twisting into ropes as he approached the cot. He'd never seen his son look so, well, healthy. Alive. (Or what could pass for looking alive, at the least.) He knew that the machine was only imitating breathing. Even so, his knees felt weak and his eyes grew hot.
"Doctor?" River's voice was coming down the hall, "Where are you?"
He wasn't really sure if he should jump and hide the room and the book or just let her find him. His feet were refusing to move, so he didn't actually have much of a choice. It was her birthday and he was about to screw it all up, though that wasn't actually his first concern currently.
"Doctor?" The sound of the door starting to open came, signaling his last chance to hide what he had just seen. He managed to put the book on the shelf, hiding it with the small collection that was already there, and sink into an armchair, hunched over with his hands clasped tightly together.
"Are you hiding from..." River trailed off, the smile fading from her face as she walked into the nursery.
He looked quietly up at her, eyes reflecting fresh grief. Her face completely drained of color when she saw his expression, "...Doctor?"
"The TARDIS..." He paused, wanting to keep his voice steady. "The TARDIS showed me."
She held her breath, a million things racing through her mind, "...I-I'm so sorry..."
"I'm not angry." He whispered. "I just... why didn't you tell me?"
She shook her head, unable to look at him, "Tell you what, exactly? That I had made a robot version of our son?"
"Or why, at the least." He looked at the mechanical infant.
"I don't know." She whispered, "He was the first baby I thought of when I needed a face and once I realized it was him… I wasn't able to let go."
He nodded slowly his understanding. "Neither would I."
"I'm sorry." She sank down onto the floor, putting her hand over her mouth.
He slowly rose, going over to her and sitting on the floor in front of her and reaching out a tentative hand to her shoulder. Her shoulders were shaking, but she didn't pull away.
"River, as much as I know it's hard to admit... this isn't healthy."
"I can't-" She shook her head, crying, "I can't lose him again."
"Then, I do have a suggestion." His voice was soft again. It helped that his back was to the automaton now, but there was also something about finally seeing the emotions River had tried so hard to deal with on her own that struck a chord and grounded him.
She still didn't look at him but leaned into his body for comfort. "What?"
He placed his arms around her. "There are future prototypes of Teselectas that are built with a safety mechanism that turns the replica into flesh and blood. We wouldn't have to let him go."
She didn't answer for a moment, "We can't..."
"Why not?" He asked.
"Because..." She tried to find the right words, "It's not him. It won't have his memories, his personality. It won't be him, it'll just look like him."
"The robot in that crib isn't him either, River. Just looks like him." He held her a bit tighter.
"I know, but..." She whispered, breaking down, "It feels so much like him."
He eyes stung but he blinked back hard. "So would a flesh actualization, and you could program in his personality and memories..." He stopped, thinking of how crazy he sounded. "Nothing will be quite the same, will it."
She shook her head, "It will only ever feel like we're trying to replace him." She started to stand, going over to hold the Teselecta. The robot responded as any slumbering baby would: gurgling a little and shifting to River's warmth.
River's sobs weren't silent anymore. This should have been her baby. She should have gotten the chance to meet and hold her living child, and the pain made her hearts seize.
The Doctor slowly approached behind her and looked at the pair, his own tears spilling over, though much more quietly.
"I-I don't know what to do." She shook her head.
He put his arm around her again just wanting to be able to shield her from all the pain. "Today, you don't have to do anything but... this can't be kept up forever." It'd been almost three years since they'd lost him.
"What's the difference between today and tomorrow?" She whispered, "It won't hurt any less to let go tomorrow than it will today."
"You're right, but you might just be a little more ready. I don't want to be the one to swarm in here without warning and tell you that you've got to let go right this instant. It doesn't have to be now or today or tomorrow. There's time if you want and need."
She stared at the little machine in her arms which to her, no longer felt like a machine. "His eyes are like mine."
He followed her line of sight, blinking hard again. He didn't have much of an idea of how often River came here or any other experiences she might've had with the Teselecta, but he could see as plain as day how maternal she felt towards it.
The machine squirmed and his breath caught. She squeezed her eyes shut, finally looking away from the baby.
"Is there anything I can do?" The Doctor asked shakily.
"Don't let the girls find him." River whispered, starting to put William back in the crib. "I'm going to go...lay down."
He nodded slowly. "Do you want me to come?"
"If you want." She nodded, looking back down at the contents of the crib.
Part of The Doctor told him to stay, that the little robot needed protecting and shouldn't be left alone. He was afraid to listen to that part, feeling that if he held the infant, he'd never be able to put him down. "I'll, uh, I'll meet you there."
She nodded, taking another minute to finally pull her eyes away from the robot and leave the room.
He sat back in thearmchairr again, a million thoughts in his brain. "There." He whispered to the TARDIS and empty room. "Is this what you wanted me to see? Are you happy now?"
The TARDIS groaned, giving him a solemn yes. She'd wanted to give them the chance to start fresh with Terra, and thought River needed help healing in the recent resurface of the loss of their baby.
He looked back at River's journal tucked in the shelf and debated reading the rest, but decided he'd already gone further than he should have. Instead he stared at the robot, watching it's 'breathing'. He went over to it and stood above the crib, staring.
The robot had been programed very well, shifting and wiggling it's tiny fingers as if it were dreaming. If the Doctor wanted, it wouldn't be terribly difficult to turn it on completely.
He reached down and touched its little hand, watching its fingers curl reflexively around one of his digits. "I'm sorry your life was so short, William. I'm sorry Mummy and I couldn't protect you from everything." He swallowed. "We loved you with everything we had... be at peace now, love." He whispered, not realizing it was in Gallifreyan.
This was a much lovelier way to remember his son, and while his bones were aching, he was grateful to see him like this just once. The robot let go of his finger.
He took a deep breath and straightened himself up, wiping at his eyes. He knew that the robot didn't really need watching or protecting and that the TARDIS wouldn't let anyone else find this room.
He left to find River.
River was in the bathroom, water running to mask the sound of her tears. The event had, of course, upset her a great deal.
The Doctor knocked softly. "River? You alright in there?"
"Yeah, I'm fine." She called.
"Do you want me to make you some tea?"
"No, I'm fine."
"Alright. I'll, um, I'll be right here if you need anything."
She emerged from the bathroom about ten minutes later, trying to act as if nothing had happened. He was sitting on the bed, just thinking. He looked up at her, offering a weak smile.
She smiled back, "Are we going out?"
He was surprised that she seemed so pulled together. "Yeah... if you're up for it."
"Why wouldn't I be up for it?"
"Because of what just happened." He answered quietly.
Her expression faltered and the pain returned to her eyes, "I-..."
He stood, approaching her slowly. "You don't have to pretend to be okay."
She shook her head, "Well what else am I supposed to do?"
"Let yourself not be okay." He place his hand on her arm. "I'm here for whatever you need."
She sighed, but leaned into his hand, "But we've already done this. It's been years I... I don't know why it suddenly feels so fresh again."
"Because that's the nature of loss." He gently urged her to sit on the bed with him and spoke softly. "It doesn't just slowly fade, it can come in waves and a lot of the time when you least expect it. One day you maybe find a old picture, and it doesn't matter if it's been days or decades or if you've seen it a million times before. It can still break your hearts. Some days that loss will just sit on your shoulders for no reason at all. You've been through so much lately and change is coming, so naturally there are things that turn your head to the past."
She rested her head against his shoulder, closing her eyes. "I wish I had gotten to hold him..." She breathed, "All I want is to be able to tell him that I love him." She pressed her face into his neck, "I feel like there was so much more I could have done to save him, but instead I just accepted that he was dead and did nothing."
"You said yourself that regeneration was impossible. He was too early, there was nothing we could have done." He took her hand. "He's at peace now."
She squeezed his hand, sighing softly, "I hope so."
They sat there for a minute before he spoke again with and idea. "Can I share a thought?"
She nodded.
"The TARDIS can project physic messages to anyone inside her no matter when they are. What if we gave her a massage to give to William. She could reach him in his last moments. We can tell him he's loved."
"I want to do that." River whispered.
He stood and extended a hand. "Come on."
They went to the control room, down beneath the console where the Doctor let go of her hands to grab a specific set of wires. River watched him, unsure of what to do.
"Hold this." He pressed one of the wires to her palm. "It's going to link you to the TARDIS. Close your eyes and concentrate on her, she knows what's going on."
River nodded, holding the wire tightly, focusing in on the TARDIS.
"Keep focus." The Doctor set up the other wires and joined her in the connection. There was a strong mental tugging.
"Alright. Now you've got to think simply so he can understand. Use more feelings than words. The Old Girl is listening."
River already knew what she wanted to thing, love came pouring out first, then bravery, security, family, and love again. She gave her son all the love she had. She wanted him to know just how endless her love for him was.
The TARDIS was relaying River's thoughts right into the past where she wanted them to go. The Doctor's message mirrored his wife's and blended in with the wave.
River was shaking once the message ended, still clutching the wire, "Will he be able to respond to us?"
He opened his mouth to respond, but was interrupted by a beeping from the monitor on the console. "Let's see, shall we?"
They headed up the stairs and looked at the monitor. The Doctor looked over what it said and then took River's hand, wrapping her fingers around one of the handles. "Close your eyes again and open your mind."
She did as he said, relaxing. As soon as she did, very familiar thoughts entered her mind that hadn't in a very long time. River felt as though she may collapse.
The TARDIS wasn't giving them a direct response from William, but rather letting them see his emotions and thoughts. There was fear first, the confusion about the pain and silence, but when his parents message reached him his mind began to calm.
River was shown the way her message really did affect William and blocked out nearly all of his pain. William felt like he was wrapped in a blanket of her affection and weakly, with his last bit of life, thought a very clear I love you, too.
River clung to the Doctor as the words hit, relief and heartbreak hitting all at once. He held her close, holding them both up as the response ended.
"Thank you." River whispered after a few minutes of silence.
"Thank the TARDIS." The Doctor murmured, finding his voice. "She did all the work."
She murmured a quiet thanks to the ship. The TARDIS hummed back in a comforting manner. River held onto her husband, squeezing her eyes shut.
"He knows, my love. There's not doubt now that he knows how much we loved him."
She nodded. After all these years, she finally was getting what she had needed. He held her all the tighter.
"We should visit his burial site some time... leave a flower or something."
She nodded, "We should take the girls."
"When do you think?"
"After Terra comes." She murmured, "We can decide after she comes."
He nodded. "Do, um, do you feel a bit better now?" He asked, hoping this had helped.
She nodded, "Yes, a bit."
"Good." He smiled softly. "I'm glad."
She smiled back, "Can we stay here a bit longer before we go out?"
"Of course we can." He nodded. "Whatever you like."
"Maybe we can go lay down with the fireplace."
"And watch that movie you suggested before." He agreed.
"That sounds nice."
They went back to the room from before, though the extra door to the Teselecta's nursery was gone.
River sat on the couch, sighing and rubbing her side.
"I'll put the movie in." The Doctor offered. She nodded, taking a few deep breaths. "You alright?" He asked, noticing her breathing change.
She looked up, giving him a weak smile, "I'm just fine."
He nodded and settled on the couch with her, cuddling up to watch the movie. She nuzzled against him to watch the movie. The Doctor didn't pay much attention to it, mostly just happy to cuddle up with River for the duration of it. He was still thinking about what had happened.
It wasn't until around the end of the movie when River winced and shifted again. Having been paying attention, the Doctor frowned and asked again if she was okay. Once again, she claimed she was fine.
"Are you ready to go?" She asked.
"Yeah." He murmured, though in the back of his mind had a bad feeling. "Let me get my shoes."
She gave him a quick kiss, "I'll meet you in the console room."
He met up with only a few minutes later. "Ready?"
"Yes! I've been waiting for this for ages." She smiled, "Are you?"
He nodded and started piloting the ship to Dundenbar, the ship landing with a soft thud. River grabbed her blaster off the console, headed for the door. He might've questioned her need for the gun if they were going anywhere else, but this was Dundenbar of all places.
