Ch 68
Soon the Doctor and River and Toby went in the TARDIS to pick up their other children. Terra slept through the meeting of her all her siblings, unaware of their excitement and her mother's discomfort.
The TARDIS landed home again and Toby trotted out to the flat. "Can you help me get Terra into the nursery?" River asked her husband.
The Doctor nodded and took Arthur, giving her a hand up from her spot on the jumpseat. She leaned against him, still very sore. "What do you think about a rest, too?"
"That would be nice." She nodded.
They headed into the flat and he helped her up the stairs. She took the steps slowly, Terra securely in her arms. Arthur was balanced on the Doctor's hip, spouting random, word-like noises.
They went to the newest nursery first, River gently placing Terra in the cot. The baby gurgled slightly but didn't wake. The Doctor turned on the baby monitor.
River hovered over the cot, watching their sleeping daughter. Arthur rest his head against his father's shoulder as the man walked up to his wife.
"You alright?"
She nodded slowly.
"What flavor cake do you want?" He asked.
"Whatever we have will do." She murmured.
"That would be chocolate." He informed, eyes following her gaze. She nodded, sighing and finally looking away. "Do you want to help put Arthur down?"
"Of course." She nodded. He placed his arm around her waist as they made their way from the newborn's room.
She walked with him to Arthur's room, giving the boy a small smile. He had already started his nap in the Doctor's arms. River touched her son's cheek, leaning in to give him a soft kiss.
The Doctor placed him in his cot.
"Sleep well, my love," River whispered, despite the baby already sleeping.
"He'll be awake soon." The Doctor murmured. It was only just after noon here, despite that the Doctor and River had come from late evening. Their day would have a few extra hours.
She nodded, "I know."
"Now it's our turn for a little shut eye."
"Do we have any extra pillows and blankets?" She asked softly.
"In the linen closet."
"Can I have some?"
He nodded and went to fetch her some. River went to their bedroom and sat herself down on the bed, sighing.
He returned with what she asked. "Here."
"Thank you." She whispered, placing the pillows in the places she wanted them. "Will you lay down with me for a few minutes?"
"Course." He toed off his shoes and crawled up the bed. She curled against him, sighing quietly. "What a day." He hummed.
She nodded, staying quiet. He wanted to ask again if she was okay but decided on just taking her hand and giving it a soft squeeze. She squeezed back, "At least the girls are happy."
"Yes. ...Your happiness matters, too, though."
She didn't respond. He watched her, thoughts about postpartum depression crossing his mind.
"What's wrong, love?"
She shook her head, "Nothing."
The words didn't seem very truthful. "You can tell me, dear. I'm your husband, you can tell me anything." He searched her face.
"I don't want to talk." She shook her head, not looking at his face.
"Alright." He sighed softly. "You don't have to."
She pulled the blankets tighter against her. Even though she was tired, she couldn't bring herself to fall asleep. The Doctor fell into a light sleep with his arm around her.
Some time later, Terra started whining from the other room. River was still awake, but she did nothing to get up and take care of the whining infant.
The whining started escalating to loud, fearful cries. "Doctor..." River breathed, shaking her husband.
He stirred and blinked awake, humming, "Hmm?"
"The baby's crying." She whispered.
"Oh." He yawned and sat up. "I got her." She watched him go, not saying anything.
Toby plodded into the room when he was gone, peering up at River. River didn't seem to take much notice of the dog. He hopped up on the bed and curled up next to her. She looked at him, then gently stroked his head. He made an appreciative noise, resting his head on her leg. She continued the motion, knowing the dog could probably sense her emotions. His training always prompted him towards her in times like these.
The Doctor returned with a small bundle in his arms. River immediately tensed when she saw the baby.
"I think she just wanted some company." The Doctor said, moving to settle back on the bed.
River was already retreating into herself. "Oh..."
Toby scooted up the bed, wedging himself between his two masters. River felt a bit better with the animal acting as a barrier between them, though she was still tense.
Terra now rested on her father's chest, face towards River, her little round eyes captured by Toby. River was staring at her own blanket covered feet, not wanting to look at the baby.
The infant wiggled slightly and managed to get an arm free of her blanket wrap. The Doctor offered a finger to cling to which she took.
He smiled. "Look at that. We made a whole other person."
River suddenly stood, blinking back a wave of unexpected, unexplainable emotion, and retreated from the room. Toby jumped to follow her, leaving a very confused Doctor on the bed. She headed straight for the TARDIS, a half thought out, and extremely dangerous plan forming in her head.
She was ready to break just about every rule she knew, but she didn't care. She was tired of this. She was feeling trapped under the guilt of not being able to love the child she had bore just a few hours earlier. It was unfair -not just to River- but to Terra, too. Well, if the universe wasn't going to play fair with her, then she wasn't going to follow its rules.
The TARDIS groaned in a protest for what River was about to do, Toby jumping on to the pilot's chair. She set the coordinates for a day some nine months ago, the day she had told the Doctor she'd wanted to start trying for another baby.
Console started sparking aggressively, the levers suddenly difficult to move. River yanked on the levers, growling, "We both know that I know how to override you, so either cooperate or you'll have no control!"
Toby barked worriedly and the TARDIS refused to give in, fighting against River even with the threat of an override.
She slammed her hand down on the controls, going in to override the system. The TARDIS suddenly went completely silent and the lights shut off. Toby jumped down to River's legs, growling in the direction of one of the halls.
River looked up, trying to figure out what the dog was growling at. After a short moment, a very loud, unpleasant sort of crashing emitted from the hall. Suddenly a large, glowing crack appeared in the hall. It seemed to just be hovering there, not supported by anything.
She grabbed the dog's collar, shooing him back into the safety of the flat before locking the door behind her so she would be alone with the crack. It was emitting strange sounds and seemed to be growing wider.
"I haven't done anything yet, why are you doing this already?" She hissed, turning back to the controls. A shadow became viable in the light of the crack; a silhouette of a person.
River was ignoring it now, taking off. The lights remained off, but the controls didn't protest River's commands.
A person emerged from the crack, slowly walking in her direction. She tensed, knowing that she wasn't alone in the room. "River," The voice was Scottish. "you're doing it wrong."
"Go away." She whispered.
"Can't." The man sat on the jump seat.
She made sure the brakes were off before landing, deciding to ignore the man and do what she had come to do.
"River, stop." He stood. She continued to ignore him, her mindset. He reached for her shoulder. "Please, just listen to me. I'm not here to stop you, but just listen."
"I'm tired of listening!" She whirled around, "I don't want to listen anymore!"
He didn't look phased by her shouting. "Would you rather rip apart space and time? Because I can think of many good ways not to do that. Don't be seen. Leave a note."
"Leave me alone!" She ran to open the door. He didn't follow her out.
The air was cold in the flat as it was winter in the time she'd landed. There was a fire in the fireplace casting a soft glow over her younger self who lay sleeping on the couch with Arthur on her chest.
River stared at her younger self for several silent minutes before her shoulders started shaking and her knees gave out.
The young Doctor was happily humming in the other room, cutting out valentines. The older one emerged from the TARDIS, putting a silent hand on her shoulder.
She shook him off of her, not wanting his comfort. He sighed and handed her a piece of old looking paper with a note scrawled on it. "When you're ready, this is for her."
She looked up at him, taking the note and opening it up to read it. It had just one word on it: "wait". It was in her handwriting and even had "-From R" at the bottom. River read the word over and over again.
The older Doctor went back into the TARDIS. He wasn't going to pressure her to anything by hovering. Once River was alone, the crying came harder. She didn't know what to do.
She needed the time, she needed to tell her younger self to wait. If she didn't, then she didn't think Terra would ever get the proper love that she deserved. But if she did, she might erase her little girl from existence forever.
Behind her, a younger Toby plodded up and sat by her. River shook, curling up against the wooden doors of the TARDIS, trying to keep her sobs silent. Toby pushed his nose against her shoulder.
"Go away." She whispered, pushing the dog away. Toby whimpered and went upstairs.
She buried her head in her hands, her hearts heavy and aching. Toby returned a minute later, carrying one of Arthur's booties in his mouth. He seemed to think this would make her feel better.
She took the bootie, holding it close, closing her eyes. Toby settled by her feet, lying down protectively.
She stood slowly after a while, walking to the couch and placing the note where her younger self would see it. Footsteps of the young, happy Doctor started from the other room.
River knew she had to go, but she couldn't move, frozen where she stood. Toby nudged her from behind. She still didn't move.
The young Doctor approached his humming more recognizable as a sappy love song. She could feel the tears welling up again, hearts physically having trouble beating.
The humming stopped short as he came into the room, his eyes growing wide, and the card in his hands dropping to the floor. Her eyes shot up to him, red-rimmed wet. She slowly backed towards the TARDIS.
"River...?" He tried gently, confused. She shook her head, running into the TARDIS.
He blinked the moment that just happened disappearing from his mind. He looked at his current wife and found a blanket to wrap around her and their few-month-old son. He then picked up the card and sat on the couch, watching the fire and waiting for them to wake.
The older River locked the door behind her, then sunk to the floor, head in her hands. The older Doctor was nowhere to be found.
When she regained enough strength to stand, she sent the TARDIS into empty space. She wasn't ready to go home and face the decision she made. The ship hummed in silent assurance, no longer fighting her. River left the console room, going to her bedroom to lay down. She felt alone, heartbroken, and unsure if she had made the right decision. River's emotions remained strong until she fell asleep.
