Rating: T

Character: Kai

Song: Control by Halsey

Background: Sometimes Kai thinks he won the merge other times he's sure he lost. He isn't sure how much of him remains and how much of Luke took over, does he even want to be like his old self? He misses the familiarity, the ease, but he's not sure he cares for more than that.


Kai wasn't always the patient and charismatic leader, sometimes he was the bitter and jaded fool. At least that's how he felt.

The merge had certainly changed him, no one could argue that. In fact soon after the merge with his brother he was so overwhelmed with his newfound emotions he disappeared for a month. He needed time away from everything to learn to process his emotions, more than that, to process his GUILT. For someone completely unaccustomed to having emotions Kai felt consumed, like he would ignite. Of everything he had to process it was guilt that ate at him the fastest, dug deep down and corroded him from the inside out. He felt like a spoiled old battery.


He knew, as a general concept, that winning the merge meant more than becoming an all powerful leader, after all it was a merge, you became one with your sibling. Luke was a part of him now and that part occupied a larger space than Kai had anticipated. The sheer weight of how much he felt was almost unbearable. It took all of him to come out of it without giving in to the depth of his sadness. He was no stranger to suicide, 1994 had seen him off himself in every conceivable way. He did it for fun as much as out of desperation. The days didn't reset out here, he couldn't blow his brains out and wake up mere hours later.

Somehow he overcame, all of the anger, all of the pain and frustration, all of the guilt and regret and all of the mourning. So much mourning. He mourned the siblings he murdered, he mourned the brother he killed, the one now part of him, he mourned the family he broke and then finally he mourned himself. He mourned the self he knew, the one who died in the merge, he mourned the time he lost locked away for so long and he mourned the person he might have been if his past never happened. If his family had loved him.


But now, now he felt like he was back where he began, he felt like he did for the better portion of his life.

Numb, angry, violent.

The disquiet churned inside him. He used to think both of them died that day. Him and Luke both were destroyed to make an entirely new person, it was only Kai's body that won. Then ther were other times he could distinctly feel the two of them separately; times when he felt the merge was just that, a merge, it didn't delete, it blended, he was still in there and that's what hurt the most. Knowing without a shadow of a doubt all the anger, hatred, and ugliness he felt was his truest self. He wasn't a better person, that was Luke. He got scared when it got like this, when hidden thoughts crept up on him. When he wanted to scream, to destroy.

To hurt her.

Thoughts of her terrified him most of all. They hadn't even fought, he just felt the deepest need to control...to manipulate. He feared she'd leave and he wanted to force her to stay, remind her of consequence, of penance. He wanted to be punitive for the sake of being punitive. She was too bright sometimes, he wanted to take his hands and snuff her out, smother her and dull her shine until she was faded and gray.

Sometimes he wanted to scare her, turn all the lights off and wait until she got home. She'd be calling out to him and he'd be hiding. As her panic rose and she searched the house he'd leap out at her, grab her by the chin, maybe the neck, press her hard against the wall. He'd get in her face, run his nose along the apples of her cheeks, just like he did in 1994. He'd let his eyes dance with her and ask her if she remembered him, who he really was, had she missed him? Missed their games of cat and mouse? Missed the chase? He certainly had, he liked games. And he always won. Always. He'd see the fear in her eyes and relish in it. Now she was seeing him. Did she still love him? Even like this?

No she didn't, she couldn't. She loved Luke. Not him, no one loved him, no one could. He was hearing the voices now, not voices, memories.

Freak

Siphon

Abomination

Worthless

Abhorrent

He hated it, hated himself. She made him like this.

He shook the thought from his head, no, it wasn't her, it was him, he was always like this. Always had been. This is who he was.

Did she see it? Did she know? The way his eyes cut away from her too quickly? The way his hands gripped his knife too tight at dinner? The way his eyes squinted and his heart raced?

Of course she did, he knew she knew and for the life of him he could NOT understand why she stayed, why she didn't run. Sometimes he wanted to tell her to, take her by the shoulders and tell her to go away, run as far as she could, not look back. But he was afraid, he didn't know which fear was greater, the fear he'd hurt her or the fear she'd really leave him. Rejected, all alone. He was used to rejection from those closest to him, had the scars to prove it. He didn't want her to be one of the ones who left. He was selfish, she was better off away from him, wasn't she? The thoughts were consuming so he tuned them out. Well he tried to. Ignoring his thoughts didn't make them leave, but he was unsure of how to confront them.

So he did what he normally did and distracted himself. Distraction for him usually entailed smashing things, organized chaos, deliberate destruction. He needed to isolate himself, there was nothing in the apartment he could smash, at least nothing that wouldn't be missed.

Fortunately for Kai he had his own magic now. He could generate new planes in time and space. It was a neat spell, like the prison world, but...smaller. A pocket dimension of sorts. The first time he tried it he got spooked, the plane looked a little too realistic and he worried he wouldn't be able to get back. It was a little too reminiscent of the prison world. So the next time he attempted the spell he made sure to make it appear as synthetic as it really was. Instead of grass and forest he made it sleek with paneled walls and glass. It looked more like a scene out of Tron. He also made sure to add a clearly labeled bright red exit sign against the wall. It served as an immediate off switch. Unfortunately the spell required a decent amount of power and he was already feeling drained. Lucky for him he could always teleport to the middle of an abandoned field or junkyard to flex his frustrations.

Today was a junkyard kind of day.

Empty fields were for mindfulness and reflection, right now he wanted to get out of his mind, escape his own head. Honestly? He wanted to smash shit up, see it burn, see it disintegrate and know he caused it.

The way he figured he wasn't actually hurting anything. Sure, he was breaking and entering, but it was just junk, he wasn't destroying property or hurting anyone. He'd been caught a few times, but it was nothing his heretic nature couldn't take care of. When he didn't feel like using memory spells he used his enhanced powers of persuasion. In general he didn't enjoy compelling people, but it was either that or go to jail for trespassing. Of course he could always murder whoever it was that found him, but his appetite for violence was hampered by the guilt he'd knew would inevitably come. Did they have a family?

People who depended on them?

Were they a good person?

Maybe they were important...

This was the new Kai.

The old Kai wouldn't have cared, he'd snap a strangers neck and lick the blood off his fingers, he'd probably be doing the shmuck a favor. There was no pesky conscience, no niggling emotions to deal with. It was all about him.

But even more than he feared guilt he feared Bonnie. What would Bonnie think? If she found out he killed a stranger, someone just doing their job...a victim of his circumstance. She'd never forgive him, never look at him the same. Sure he was still a murderer, his job practically demanded it, but now he was killing actual enemies. People and entities who threatened his coven, his family, his wife.

Bonnie's hands weren't clean either, they'd seen their share of blood, but never innocents. Bonnie only killed righteously. Kai supposed that made him righteous by association. Much as he'd like to murder everyone who got on his nerves, now it was enough to take out the occasional demon spawn or crazed vampire.

Part of him wanted to be constructive, to go to her, communicate. Tell her he was scared and needed support, needed her to remind him she really did love HIM. The vulnerability turned him off. He was a leader, the leader of one of the worlds oldest and most powerful covens. He didn't want to be weak...to grovel at her knees and tell her he needed her. He could go to her later, when he wasn't so edgy and volatile. To get that out of his system he needed to get it out of his system. Better on junk than on Bonnie, the thought made his stomach lurch.

So destruction would have to suffice.