When his thoughts were cut short by Magnus' voice calling his name, he was so out of it, that he hadn't realised his Warlock was there.
'I need to tell him…' He thought. 'But he's going to be hurt, I can't… But I have to… I can't… He will hate me… but I can't keep anything from him again… He won't forgive me, he…'
"Alexander."
He flinched and stared at Magnus with dread. His voice wasn't warm and welcoming like every time Alec returned home and Magnus came to greet him with a hug and a kiss. It was curt and cold, making his insides churn. 'He knows…' He realized immediately, terrified. 'No… He doesn't. What does he think he knows?'
Magnus took a step his way and Alec reflexively took a step back, hitting the closed door, trapped against it. He looked up at his lover like a cornered animal and Magnus frowned.
"What's wrong Alexander?" He asked, and there was a strange undertone in his voice. It was almost… mocking. Alec was looking at him frozen, the look on his eyes bringing back to light another memory. He was looking at him the way he did at the subway, right before breaking up with him.
"Please don't…" He choked out, panicking, finding it progressively harder to breathe, and Magnus blinked, his intimidating aura dispersing, replaced with confusion and concern, though Alec didn't notice the latter.
"What?" The older man asked him, worried by the sudden change in his lover's demeanor. The Shadowhunter's eyes were full of hurt, and… fear?
"You're looking at me like you did back then."
"How? And when is "Then"?"
"When you broke up with me." Alec answered the second question first. "And like I'm a stranger… One you don't even like…" He clarified at last, repeating his thoughts from that time, steeling himself.
Magnus looked at him with wide eyes and the Shadowhunter went on.
"Before you say it… just… please let me talk to you."
Magnus remained silent. 'Oh baby…' He thought, hearing the anguish lacing the boy's voice because of the memory. 'I never realised… I never knew I had made you feel that way…' He ached to apologise, to hold him close, but now was not the time. This was important too.
"Please." the Nephilim pleaded again. "Just hear me out" 'Angel…' He though terrified, his heart racing. 'What if he doesn't let me explain? Like back then? What if he leaves again?' "Mags…" He choked out.
"Would I have a reason to break up with you? Is there one?" Magnus asked and Alec dropped his eyes for a moment, making the Warlock's heart constrict despite all he knew. Averting his gaze was answer enough.
But then Alec looked up, straight into his eyes and said, "No. There is not."
Magnus managed to hold back a smile, his heart fluttering with joy because he knew Alec well enough to see he was telling the truth. However…
"Lying to my face now, Alexander?" He asked, raising an eyebrow despite his thoughts, testing him.
Alec blanched. "I have never lied to you. And I swore to never hide the truth from you again either…"
Magnus crossed his arms over his chest fighting to keep his expression and voice neutral. "You did. On my life. Because, as you said, and I quote, "I swear not on the Angel, but to you. Because there is nothing more precious to me than your life." Is that right?"
Alec nodded. "Yes. And it always will be."
"Guess I should expect my imminent death then." Magnus said staring nonchalantly at his nails. "Since you-"
His words were cut short as Alec pushed him against the wall. "Stop it." He said fiercely, but his eyes were pained once more.
Magnus froze surprised, not expecting it, his heart racing. Alec was rarely acting like that, and that bossy demeanour made Magnus burn with want as he used all of his willpower to stop himself from kissing the boy to oblivion. Finally he managed to put his poker face on again. "Stop what?" He asked looking down at Alec's hands holding him on the wall.
The Nephilim flinched letting him go and took a step back looking down at his hands too, an expression on his face that Magnus couldn't decipher but he didn't like at all. He was pained and guilty and looked extremely hurt. There was also hate there, and Magnus could tell it wasn't pointed at him but at Alec himself.
"I'm sorry." He said, his voice dead. "I didn't mean to touch you…"
Magnus gasped softly staring at him.
Alec looked extremely pained as he stared at his hands looking disgusted. "I have no right to touch you with these hands…" He whispered and then raised his eyes to Magnus "I'm sorry. I need to take a bath. Can we talk later?"
Magnus just stared at him not expecting that either, and Alec silently passed by him and entered the bathroom.
The Warlock sighed and slid to the floor hugging his knees to his chest. He didn't want to fight with Alec, there was nothing he hated more, but he had to do it. If Alec kept keeping things like that from him they really couldn't go on… He heard the water running and sighed closing his eyes.
~o~
