After a while, Magnus let him go and asked softly. "Do you want to go to bed?"
Alec looked at him, his eyes full of guilt once more, and whispered. "I can't… I have to go."
"Go?"
The Shadowhunter dropped his eyes. "The mission isn't done yet… We still need information."
"What is it about anyway?!" Magnus snapped at him, getting agitated again.
"There is a killer on the loose…" Alec muttered. "The details are there…" He gestured towards a folder in the coffee table.
Magnus grabbed his hand suddenly, concerned. "You need to be careful. If anything happens to you…"
Alec dropped his eyes again, thinking of all the hurt he had caused Magnus already. "Everyone would be better off then… You would be better off… If I was… gone." He whispered looking into his cat-eyes that immediately turned harsh after hearing those words.
Magnus dropped his hand abruptly. "Go then if it makes you happy. Go and get yourself killed, see who will care."
Alec flinched. "Magnus…"
"You just don't get it. Forget about it. I'm outta here." And with that he got up from the couch and stormed out, leaving Alec staring after him.
~o~
Alec stared at the door feeling numb. 'That's the second time he's walking away from me…' He thought, his heart aching. 'It's okay… He didn't mean it…' He told himself, willing his pained heart to believe what his brain already knew. 'He was just worried and I made him angry again… He'll be back.'
Chairman Meow saw him like that, still looking at the door without moving, and jumped on him to help him feel better. "Hey…" He said, looking down at him and petting his head."But I can't wait… Another person may die and it will be on me." Sighing, he got up, leaving Chairman on the couch, and went to write a note for Magnus. "See you soon." He told the cat petting him once more, and left.
~o~
Magnus returned fifteen minutes later, having calmed down, missing Alec on his way out for mere seconds. If he hadn't decided to make a portal back home, he'd have met him on the stairs. But he was oblivious to that fact and just collapsed on the couch thinking about the fight. It's not that he had been angry. Not just angry anyway. He had been, and still was, hurt. And on top of that, now he was worried sick too.
He tried watching some Tv to distract himself, but after ten minutes of staring at the screen without really seeing it because he was thinking of Alec, he gave up. Unable to take just staying there any longer, he got up and started pacing. Just then he noticed the mission file Alec talked about before. On top of it was a paper that wasn't there previously. Curiously he picked it up.
"Magnus… I'm really sorry. I know you hate it when I talk like that but I can't help but hate myself when I think of all the pain I have caused you, and I'm still causing you every day by being inconsiderate. I'm sorry for leaving, but if I stayed more, someone would surely die and it would be on me. You know I couldn't allow that. I know you wouldn't want it either. I hope we can talk when I'm back. I love you. (More than anything.)"
Magnus read the note, smiling softly. That was so much like Alec. Carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. "How could I get mad at you, my precious angel?" He muttered. Now he felt guilty again. Surely, Alec shouldn't have kept it from him, and sure as Hell he should stop believing he's unimportant, but nothing justified hurting his precious boy.
"Dammit." He sighed. "Once he's back home I'm making it up to him, tenfold." Sighing again he decided to read the mission file to distract himself and pass the time until Alec returned.
That was a mistake though. A big one. Because the first thing he saw once opening the folder was a victim's picture. Magnus felt sick. 'Alec went to deal with the monster that did that? Raziel…' It took all he had this time to not run after his lover. 'He'd hate me for that. I know he's strong enough. But…'
~o~
With another sigh, Magnus sat down on the couch closing his eyes and breathing deeply, trying to relax. He was worried sick but determined not to act on it and trust Alec, even though the uneasy feeling settling in his stomach was overwhelming and on top of it, enhanced, by thoughts of their fight before his lover left. He knew every time Alec left on a mission could be the last time he saw him, but he denied it with every fiber of his being.
"No. This will never happen. He will always come back to me." He muttered with conviction. "And those won't be my last words to him. There will be no last words if I can help it. And I will."
'You're rambling…' A voice in his head said. 'And you don't really believe that. You know he may not return. He may die on that mission and the last thing he would have heard from you won't be, 'I love you', and 'come back to me' but 'Go and get yourself killed, see who will care'. You might as well have killed him yourself.'
"No!" He cut the grim thoughts off. "Stupid…" He mumbled to himself. "Why did I have to say those awful things? What the Hell got over me?"
He knew the answer to that. It was what Alec had said. Magnus hated it. Hated hearing his precious Nephilim talk like that. He hated that Alec still believed sometimes he was not important enough. He was offended by the boy's lack of 'faith' in him.
"Is that what you think of me? Of the extend of my love?" He spoke again quietly, having only Chairman Meow to hear him. He sighed for what felt like the hundredth time this evening, flopping onto the couch, tortured by more uneasy thoughts.
