Chapter 19 – Inner Doubts
I didn't stop writing to Draco. If I stopped, I would be giving up hope. I don't want to give up on him. If I try hard enough, maybe he'll be ready to talk to me, eventually. Maybe, he needs to be reassured that no matter what, I'll be by his side. Will I truly be by his side if he chooses to be on the dark side? Will I honestly be by his side if he becomes a death eater? No, he will not do that. I need to stop thinking of this as a possibility.
Harry and I are going steady but there are times when Harry gets a little too naughty than necessary and I get very nervous. I stop Harry every time he tries something like that. I don't want to admit it but I'm really afraid of having sex. I'm just sixteen, I don't want to lose my virginity now. It still gives me the creeps when I think about the day Mom decided to have the sex talk with me. I just want to wait for the right time to do it and now does not seem like the right time to do it. Especially when I'm worried for Draco.
People are still getting killed or kidnapped and then murdered. Death Eaters abducted Mr. Ollivander and Florean Fortescue. I understand their need to have a famous wand maker with them. Mr. Ollivander is the best wand maker in all of United Kingdom. Maybe, they took him away so he could make spare wands for them for free. But why take Mr. Fortescue away? He owns an ice cream shop for god's sakes! Voldemort's big plan is to deprive people of their favourite ice cream? It just doesn't make sense.
Soon, we got the booklists for the sixth year. Mrs. Weasley is very shaken up by the recent attacks, she refused to go Diagon Alley without Mr. Weasley. So, Mom and Mrs. Weasley decided on a day when Mr. Wealsey could get away from work. Anyways, I just had to get robes and supplies. Will, Andy and I have used Mike's textbooks till now. Despite being from the rich Shepherd family, I've had to use fourth-hand textbooks all my life. Why you ask? My mom's big on the whole 'reuse, reduce and recycle' thing. Nobody argues with Mom on these issues. She's big on the whole save the planet thing. Besides, my brothers have kept the books in good condition so I don't really have much to complain about. I don't know, if it's a coincidence or something, we all have chosen the subjects till now. Minor damages could be fixed with a quick 'reparo'.
Mom and I flooed to The Leaky Cauldron on a bright Saturday afternoon. We waited for the others to arrive. It is so odd coming shopping this year. My brothersare not with me. They all passed out. Mike is an Auror now. Will works in the International Magical Cooperation Department. Andy is joining Healers' Academy in Ireland soon. He starts in September. He'll be gone for three years. I feel so small now that my brothers are all out there in the world. I miss them even more, now that even Andy won't be at school with me.
I was still thinking about my brothers when Harry and the others arrived. Hagrid is with them as well. After exchanging pleasantries, we all made our way to Diagon Alley. Mr. Weasley suggested that we split up so we can finish off shopping sooner. It was decided that H, Harry, Ron, Hagrid and I would go get our robes from Madam Malkin's. I gave the list of additional books I would need for some of the subjects that I find tough. Since, Draco is not talking to me, I'm assuming he's not going to tutor me as well.
Hagrid said he'd wait outside while we bought our robes. When we entered the shop, we had heard a voice complaining about something. I can tell whose voice it is even in my sleep. My first instinct was to go and hug him but Harry's hand on mine stopped me from doing that.
"Watch where you place the pins!" Draco said haughtily. He looked in the mirror. He saw H, Ron and Harry. His eyes fell on our fingers entwined together. He stopped before he could glance at me. He didn't even bother to look at me. "Mother, if you're wondering what that smell is, A Mudblood just walked in." The venom in his voice shocked me.
"No need to use such language here." Madam Malkin warned. "I don't want wands to be drawn here." She looked at Harry and Ron as she said that.
The atmosphere in the shop had suddenly become very tense. I was shocked. I didn't know what to do or say. H was convincing Ron and Harry to pocket their wands and saying Draco was not worth it. The three boys in the shop were exchanging words. Madam Malkin wanted Mrs. Malfoy to intervene.
"That's enough, Potter. Don't you dare think about attacking my son again!" Mrs. Malfoy said arrogantly.
"Going to call some Death Eaters pals to help out, are you?" Harry asked.
"Don't make such dangerous accusations, Potter. I can see that being Dumbledore's favourite has given you a sense of false security and superiority. But he won't always be there to protect you." The iciness was evident in her tone. I shuddered. She's never used such a tone in front of me before. She is always nice to me. She is always nice to me. Is she under the Imperius Curse or something?
Harry looked around, "Really? I don't see him here now. Why don't you try? I'm sure we can find a double cell for you and loser of a husband!" Harry mocked her.
I don't like Lucius but that is no way I want him speaking to Mrs. Malfoy. She is a nice woman. I feel like slapping Harry for talking like this to her.
Ron laughed at this but Draco got really angry. "Don't you dare talk like this to my mother, Potter."
Mrs. Malfoy stopped Draco from doing anything. "Anyways, I feel he will be reunited with dear Sirius before I'm reunited with Lucius."
That was a low blow. I didn't expect her to say something like this. Harry was getting angrier by the second. Draco was no better. H was trying desperately to stop Harry from using his wand. Madam Malkin was afraid but she decided to pretend like everything was normal. She started hovering near Draco.
"The left sleeve can come up a little more, dear." She told kindly to Draco.
"Ouch! Watch where you place the pins woman!" Draco yelled at her.
Left Hand. No, no, no, no, no! From what I know…the left hand has the…no, I can't think this. My heart was pounding very loudly.
Draco threw the robe and said, "Mother, let's go from here. I don't want to be in the presence of such scum."
"Alright. We'll go to Twilfitt and Tatting's." Mrs. Malfoy agreed.
He didn't even look at me. He banged into Ron while he was exiting the shop. I turned to watch at them leave, he didn't look back like he normally would have. But Mrs. Malfoy looked back at me. She smiled sadly at me and left. Why didn't I think about writing to Mrs. Malfoy till now? Surely, she would have told me what's going on.
After we got our robes, we met up with the others and then went to buy school supplies and pet food. Then we all made out way towards the twins' shop. One look at the shop windows and I felt like the twins' stole all the colours from the rest of Diagon Alley. Their windows were so bright, there was not one person who didn't look back at least once. But what really caught my eye was this one poster-
Why Are You Worrying About You-Know-Who?
You SHOULD Be Worrying About
U-NO-POO-
the Constipation Sensation That's Gripping the Nation!
I'm not sure whether to laugh or be afraid that Fred and George might be next on the kidnap list.
"They'll get themselves murdered." Mrs. Weasley whispered. She is scared, I could tell.
We went in. I am amazed. They developed a lot of products. H and Ginny were looking Patented Day Dreams. I joined them. Hermione said it's extraordinary magic, Fred was so happy, he gave her one for free. He showed us the other products they had for girls – The WonderWitch products. They sold love potions, which can last up to twenty-four hours. He told Ginny that she couldn't have one because she has a boyfriend. I wondered if Mike and Will have 'older brother problems' with me dating Harry. Andy is all right.
I saw Fred and George lead Harry to a back room. I wonder what they are showing him back there. I was looking around. Do I want to buy prank stuff? Surely The Toad is not coming back this year. Harry went with Dumbledore to meet Prof. Whatever-his-name-is. So, we are definitely having a different teacher for Defence Against the Dark Arts. I was looking at the bouncing Pygmy Puffs in the cages. They looked so carefree, I am so jealous of them. Suddenly, Someone pulled me to a window. It was Harry. I looked at him questioningly.
"We just saw Malfoy go that way." Harry answered.
"I wonder how he gave Mommy a slip." Ron said.
Harry began to take his Invisibility Cloak from his bag. "Come on, Let's find out what he is up to."
"I don't know, Harry. I don't think, we'll all fit in it anymore." H said.
I was filled with curiosity but I don't want more proof to prove my suspicions. I'm afraid that it might be true. "Harry, why don't the three of you go and I'll create a distraction so no one will notice."
"Ya, right. Like they'll believe you. They would never believe that we left you behind." Ron said.
Ron pulled H and Harry pulled me into the cloak. Since the boys had gotten taller, the cloak was not able to hide our feet. It wss tough but we tried to not step on each other's foot. H pointed to the direction in which Draco went. Soon, we'd gotten into a completely different area. Why would Draco come into Knockturn Alley? We saw him inside Borgin & Burkes. I'll start crying any moment. This shop is famous rather infamous for selling antiques and dark objects. And Voldemort is used to work here.
"If only, we could hear what they are talking about." H said dejectedly.
"We can…we can listen to what they are saying." Ron said and removed from his pocket. "Extendable Ears!"
H looked like she could kiss him at that moment. "Great!"
I don't want to listen. I don't want to know. I still took one of them.
"…do you know how to fix it?" I heard Draco's voice like I was hearing him on the radio.
"Maybe," The man at the counter answered tentatively. "But, I'll have to take a look at it and assess the damage is. Bring it here."
"No. It has to stay where it is. You will have to tell me how to do it." He sounded irritated.
"I can't tell you without looking at it. It's impossible."
"Are you sure?" His tone had a dangerous ring to it. "Maybe this will make you want to cooperate more."
Draco moved towards him but a cabinet blocked our view. All we could see was that the man was scared.
"If you tell anyone…" Draco sounded like he was taking pleasure in scaring him. "Fenrir Greyback, the name ring a bell? He's a family friend, he'll drop by time to time to make sure you give the problem your full attention."
The man just nodded.
"Don't forget to keep the other one safe, I'll need it." Draco added.
"You can take it with you now, if you wish?"
"And how would I look carrying that down the street?" He asked sarcastically.
The man went red in the face.
"Don't sell it." Draco warned him. "Not a word to anyone, Borgin…including my mother."
"Of course not." Borgin answered.
Draco left the store looking…relieved? What is going on? I wanted to get out of the cloak and confront him.
"What was that about that?" Ron asked no one in particular.
"I have no idea, but if he is looking this pleased with himself then it can't be good." Harry said.
He didn't look pleased with himself. H looked at me thinking I may have some answers. I think I looked just as baffled as she was. My head is spinning so badly. I am unable to pay attention to any of them. They keep making speculations. Then H went into the store to get some information but she ended up making a fool of herself.
We slipped back into the Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes. When we were asked about our whereabouts, we simply said we were at the back. Then we said our goodbyes, Mom and I flooed back home. Fred and George let us use their fire place.
As soon as we get back home, I star hyperventilating. Mom is scared and asks me what's wrong. I didn't know what to say. What do I tell her? I tried to control myself.
"It's nothing, Mom."
"Nattie, you can talk to me. You can tell me anything."
"I know. I can't understand anything. I am not able to understand anything." I knew I had to tell her something so I told her about the incident in Madam Malkin's. Frown lines appeared on her face when I finished my tale.
"I don't know what to say. All I can tell you is don't jump to any conclusions until you have all the facts with you." I could tell she was at a loss of coming up with a proper response so she gave me one of those philosophical responses.
Draco,
What the hell was that? Are you mad? How could you talk to H like that? I agree Harry shouldn't have spoken to Mrs. Malfoy that way. But she is not innocent either. I've never seen this side of her before. In fact, I've never seen you behave this way before. I have told this to you before, I'm telling you again - please talk to me.
You didn't even bother to look at me. This is not done. This is not fair. I want my best friend back. Come back to me, Draco.
Natalie.
I decided to leave out the following escapade. It is something to be discussed face to face not in a letter. Draco has too many questions to answer now.
Don't jump to conclusions! Don't jump to conclusions! This is my new mantra.
"I think Malfoy has taken his father's place and become a Death Eater." Harry said out of nowhere.
We are all in Fred and George's old room. Harry is trying to read his book on Quidditch. Ron is polishing his broom. H is reading one of the textbooks. I am reading a novel with my head on Harry's lap.
Ron snorted. H looked like she was considering what Harry said. My heart stopped. Or at least it felt like it stopped.
"Harry, I don't think You-Know-Who will get a sixteen year old to join his most loyal followers." H said.
"But think about it? He showed Borgin something. I'm sure he showed him the Dark mark."
"Please, Harry. I think he was just trying to show off. You know how he can be." Ron said.
"I don't know why but I have feeling he is a Death Eater." Harry said and looked at me expectantly.
"Harry, I agree the circumstances are fishy but I don't think he can be a Death Eater. Imagine, Malfoy goes out with the other Death Eaters on missions or raids. He uses his magic and immediately gets a warning from the Ministry saying that he performed underage sorcery and his wand will be snapped into two pieces next time he performs magic out of school. Voldemort can't have such supporters now, can he?"
They laughed. I am surprised that even Harry laughed.
"That would be so funny if that actually happened." Ron said.
I never want that to happen. In fact, I don't want him to be a Death Eater at all.
But Harry did not stop bringing it up from time to time. He brought this up everyday at least once. Though, I have similar doubts, I don't want to accept them. Saying it out loud is as good as believing it. I don't want to believe it. I want to believe that Draco is the same guy I've known all my life. Don't jump to conclusions!
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