Disclaimer: Teen Titans isn't mine

This one's a little shorter since it's basically a single scene chapter. Also remember that in the "dream" sequence, Jinx will seem OOC because it's Raven imagining what she says.

And... this chapter's a little weird (especially since I wrote this from 1:00-3:30AM today), but it's mostly a dream so I suppose that might just be excusable - the stream of conscious type of writing does tend to be a bit confusing. Hopefully it's not too bad.

"Speech"

Thoughts


Dream

Moonlight flitted through her eyes as darkness faded away. Flecks of snow drifted in from the open window, where the curtains fluttered in the soft wind, pale and cold. Sitting up, she clutched the blankets around her bare chest and looked outside at the white covered land where the leafless trees still, almost like a picture, jutting from the ground, distant hills casting slight shadows over the forests surrounding them.

Tonight, the moonlight was a slight shade of pink instead of violet, or blue, or red, or green - whatever color it decided to reflect when her powers worked their sorcery on it. The tinted radiance lent everything a rosy quality, giving off the sensation of warmth, ardor, life, a sense of vitality that none of the other colors could give to the hueless snow. Yes, she knew that pink had once represented her emotion of happiness, but this shade was more than mere happiness. Or maybe less than. She wasn't exactly sure what pink meant to her now.

Actually, this wasn't just pink. It was this particular hue of pink, with a slightly more lustrous tone to it, a little more red than just the regular pink, not superficial like the normal bright color, but with a deep, rich undertone to it, not really pink at all once you looked at it carefully, but myriad of colors that just happened to appear very close to that particular shade of pink, all blended together into a vivid mosaic painted on the fresh snow.

Unlike many other colors, this one made her feel a little more in touch with reality - it did not have the cold, detached feel of the darker shades, nor the gaudy brightness of the ones; it was the perfect mix of attachment, yet an understanding of darkness as well.

It was a color that made her feel, like no other color could. Was it significant then, that it was a color that reminded her of Jinx...

Raven frowned and got up, looking in the floor length mirror opposite her bed. Her half lidded, sparkling eyes traced up her body. Despite having lived for many hundreds of years, she still retained her youthful form - her body, still slim, was mostly composed of firm muscle from the physical exercise she did while traversing Avalon every day. Perhaps it was a little too slim if one were to judge her because she ate very little. A hand traced down her ribs, down her legs as she stretched gracefully, lessening the ever present tension in her body. Yes, she appeared to be relaxed, but that was far from the truth if one were to actually touch her, to feel all of the muscles straining without rest. It was unimaginable how she could even survive like that, let alone function so well, but Raven's body wasn't normal.

Her fingers trailed up her ribs – her chest was still firm and supple, skin still smooth and flawless, like that of a girl still in her teens. Of course, she would never be mistaken for a normal person because of the odd greyish color of her skin, which marked her as an obvious sorceress - in normal terms, someone to be feared, shunned, pursued as a heretic disobeying the teachings of the church.

She looked at her own face. She knew that Jinx thought that she was beautiful. Certainly she did have finely shaped, feminine features when she showed her face, though that wasn't often. Surprisingly, in contrast to her personality, she had quite a soft face that would have been compassionate and caring, if it had any emotion in it at all. Her gaze traveled to her own eyes.

What else was there to say about them? Perhaps it was noteworthy that in this instance, the violet sparkled with more pink than normal - yes, pink flecks positively stormed behind the surface of mauve, but what did it mean? It wasn't as if she didn't notice, but... I do know what all this pink means. She closed her eyes. Of course she knew what it meant. But going down that path... I can't handle it. I vowed never to allow myself feel like that again. And I have to stick to that.

Outside of the window, high in the sky, the moon's light slowly dulled, shifting to a pale grey, almost like it was casting mist over the land instead of light.


A shadow passed out of the black building with colored spires, so faint that at first it was hard to tell that it was even there. A dusky color the same as the light around it, it seemed surreal, a specter. Floating aimlessly here and there, it was only visible as the snow fell on its ashen cloak, on the cinereal hood that covered its face completely, not even showing the usual gleam of the eyes underneath.

Around her, the snow no longer sparkled, above, the sky was covered in a blanket of grey clouds, masking the crescent moon that did not seem to be so much a crescent anymore, but instead tilted, into a double horned shape, almost like... it reminds me of her. She frowned, surprised that she had even thought of that, then continued wandering about as her surroundings began to waver. The air distorted, shadows cast everywhere, reality seemed to bend, and she frowned, wondering if it was just the moonlit night or something else.

Drifting forward, toward the forest, she felt the familiar darkness beckoning to her, her body aching to feel the blackness close about her. It was bereft of feeling, completely numb, cold to the point of being frozen over. But she enjoyed it. After all, what had feeling anything brought her except pain?

It wasn't that pain was completely bad. Sometimes, it reminded her that she was alive. And there was something about the hurt that was as stimulating as anything else, a sort of rush of physical feeling through her, enlivening. But as for the other kind of pain...

Life is chaos. Raven looked about, feeling the wind stir around her. Snow spiraled in a whirlwind of ash. It billowed at her cloak, but she did not stir, letting it do whatever it wanted with her. Life is chaos... and our own individual existence is determined by how we deal with the chaos. There are those few who thrive in it... and there are those who prefer order born from chaos. Order, rising from the tempestuous winds that blow around us, bringing stability to our lives.

The winds calmed as she brought her arms up. To an extent, everyone requires a bit of order, and everyone desires a little bit of chaos. The balance between them determines who we are. But... she frowned and let her arms drop, letting the gale form around her again, tearing at her body with forceful wind, bullets of snow hammering into her. What if we do not know how much order, or how much chaos we enjoy? What if we do not know who we are?

I do not know what I want.

And suddenly the snow whirling around her burst into color, not just the warm pink from earlier, but a plethora of everything, all shades of crimson, mauve, lavender, azure, navy, emerald, grass, topaz, amethyst, indigo... it was overwhelming, an indistinguishable flow of color that pervaded her senses and sent an uncontrollable rush of sensation through her body…

She let the wind die away, the rainbow of snow around her falling to the ground, pale and colorless again. Better to not want anything. Better to not expect anything. To live without hope, and die fulfilling nothing, because there was nothing to fulfill to begin with. Better than living, hoping, but being unable to fulfill those hopes. Better to feel nothing at all...

She drifted forward, beneath the leafless trees, between darkness and grey moonlight, the night around her silent.

No, not completely silent... she paused, listening carefully, then frowned as she heard something very unexpected… or perhaps felt it… or maybe saw it. Sight, sound, touch, sensation... it is all the same to me. No matter what form of feeling it is... it is there.

A rush of sadness and regret and frustration tore through her. Maybe it sounded like a soft wail, maybe it looked like a girl bent over, crying. It was a bitter taste. She wasn't sure, but it was there... an emotion that was not her own, but resonated with her body uncomfortably well.

She moved forward, in the direction of the sensation.

She became acutely aware of the ravens gathering in the trees above her, their crimson eyes looking down dolefully, but the melancholy was repressed, hidden away deep within their beings. Had she not been an empath, she probably wouldn't even have been able to detect their sadness. These ravens. My only companions, through these long years...

She tore her gaze away from them, wandering through the forest. They followed her.

Then she felt one land on her shoulder, one with feeling storming through it unlike any of the other ones. This one's emotions were not muted at all, no, they were near its surface, easily accessible, the shell hiding them easily broken - at least to her it would be easy.

Raven's breath caught in her throat. Do I look?

The raven flew off her shoulder and landed on the ground in front of her, seemingly morphing into the figure of a girl, initially completely black, with glowing pink eyes, then slowly filling with color, the grey of her skin, the pink of her double horned hair, mirroring the moon in the sky, a dark dress spinning about her. Was she just imagining things; was she hallucinating, or was it..?

"Jinx," she whispered aloud.

"Raven," she replied tonelessly.

It was silent for a long while as they looked at each other. Around them, more ravens gathered, watching from the trees.

As usual, Jinx was the first to speak. "Tonight's been really weird. It doesn't feel right."

Raven looked toward the sky, the hood falling from her head, revealing her face to the dusky light. The forest wavered, distorted, the trees and ground and even the clouds and moon changed shape as shadows darted everywhere. Everything flickered, reality itself quivering, then returned to normal as Raven held a hand to her head. Jinx moved forward, but the sorceress waved her back, clearing her mind.

"It is an odd night," she murmured. "Perhaps we should not be out here."

"But isn't this where you're most comfortable? I thought you preferred to be out here."

"There are many things that even I do not know," Raven whispered softly. "Things that only the ravens know, but will not speak of."

She paused as the quiet sound of a song caressed the air, her face still tilted upward. Jinx remained silent as well, looking up at the ravens, who had begun to sing. Their voices were, for some reason, eerily familiar, even though she knew that she should have no idea who, or what those voices belonged to. Some were higher pitched, some lower, all female by the sound of them, not the songs of birds at all, but a chorus of disembodied sirens.

"You're wrong," Jinx whispered. "They do talk."

Raven closed her eyes. "Yes. They do. But nobody listens to them."

"Except you. And me, but only sometimes. Other than that, they are alone."

Raven cringed a little, but managed to keep her face still. She turned away, acutely aware of the girl's eyes on her back. The dark sorceress pulled her hood over her head, feeling a faint sense of unhappiness stir within her. Why were Jinx's eyes so strange? Why did she look so detached, disappointed, unfeeling, almost like herself? Why did she look like she had borne some unbearable pain and had shoved her emotions away because of it? You're not supposed to feel like that. You weren't supposed to go through that. What happened?

"You happened," Jinx muttered, then turned back into a raven, flying off, joining the chorus of other ravens in the trees.

Among them, one voice was particularly clear, a strikingly dissonant chord with the rest of the sound. Maybe you don't listen after all. Maybe you don't listen to my song and that's why...

Raven turned her dark eyes toward the ravens and floated upward, but as she reached for them, they began disappearing, dissipating in puffs of black. And as she approached the pink eyed one, her hand trembled, very slightly, uncertainty registered in the slight curve to her mouth. No.

She thought better of it and withdrew her hand, floating away, leaving the pink eyed raven to sing alone in the moonlight.


Why do you shun me? Why do you not listen? Why do you shut me out?

She was a shadow, passing through the trees, moving ever more rapidly as the voices followed her, knowing that she could not escape them, but still she moved more quickly all the same, as if she thought she could outpace them.

It was impossible. After all, they were things that she had buried in her heart long ago.

Why have you abandoned me? You are here, but not really here in spirit. Where are you, Raven? Where have you lost yourself?

"I am here," she muttered, agitated. "I'm right here. What are you talking about?"

You aren't really here. This cold, frozen statue of your body is not really you. The real you is gone, locked away somewhere, the key long lost. Where are you, Raven?

"I'm here," she murmured again, more softly, voice tight.

You're here now. But you're never here when I need you. When everyone needs you. Why do you abandon-

"I'm not abandoning anyone," she hissed. "They abandoned me. No, they wanted to destroy me, and I wanted to live. Is there something so wrong about that?"

You were never in any danger, except from yourself. Abandoning everyone was not the choice to make.

"I didn't."

You didn't help when you could.

"They don't deserve it."

Since when have you gotten so petty, dear Raven? You were not like this in the past.

"Well I've changed."

Remember your own words, Raven. You are a healer, but more than that you are a protector. You protect those in need. And in truth you are not doing that at all. Just because there are those out there who hate you-

"They all hate me."

You would leave them to die. The voice shifted. You'd leave me to face the world alone.

"I wouldn't do such a thing."

You already have. Raven, where are you? Where is the real you? Behind that mask that you have worn for so long, there has to be something...

"There is nothing," she whispered. "I have nothing to offer…"

I know you don't like showing any of yourself to anyone else, but maybe you can shed that mask just for me? You don't have to do it for anyone else. Just me-

"I do not wear a mask, Jinx. This is who I am."

Then what am I still doing here?

The voices deserted her and Raven paused, frowning, feeling the solitude press in about her.


For once in her life, she shivered. Why did it suddenly feel so cold? Raven drew her grey cloak about her body, trying to ward off the chill from the snow, but it did not help in the slightest. After all, if her body produced no heat, what heat was there to contain beneath her clothing?

If anything, in fact, the frosty sensation seemed to emanate from within her, rather than from outside. How strange. I have always felt numb, but never cold. Not like this. It almost feels like... I'm missing something. There is some warmth to be had, that my body desires, but cannot be found within this endless expanse of snow. It cannot be found anywhere.

The snow began falling more heavily, blocking out the moonlight almost entirely, only the dim light from the stars providing her any bearing on her surroundings. She fancied that they were cold eyes, staring down at her impassively, not unlike her own eyes when she looked at other people, unsympathetic to her needs, uncaring toward her desires. After all, to the heavens, I'm just another wanderer. Why does it matter what I want?

She fought down the faint feeling growing within her, biting her lip, returning to the void of her usual apathy. She took a long, slow breath. Just a moment of weakness. I must remember. I cannot desire anything. I do not need anything. And I do not matter at all. Death, or life, it is all the same. To the heavens, I am just another wanderer. If I am gone, nobody will miss me.

"I'll miss you."

Raven spun around, eyes darkening. "I thought you wanted nothing to do with me."

"Doesn't mean I won't miss you."

"Why should you care about me?"

"Why shouldn't I?"

Raven frowned. "You're being difficult."

Jinx stepped forward from the shadows into the dim light that still remained in the forest. "So are you," she muttered. "You've always been difficult."

"No, I haven't. You're just looking for something - someone - that doesn't exist."

"I really doubt that," Jinx said coolly, in a tone startling similar to Raven's.

Raven's eyes narrowed and the pinkette responded with a light chuckle. "I sound like you, don't I?"

"Too much like me," the violet haired girl growled. "You shouldn't talk like that-"

"And why not? Am I not allowed to feel pain either? Be hurt by being abandoned? Am I supposed to look forward to being abandoned so cheerily, like it's going to be fun or something?"

"You're not alone-"

"But you know, I am. I thought I could find someone to share my feelings with and try to understand her feelings at the same time. You know, because I thought we were similar. Obviously, I was mistaken. I forgot, you don't feel anything."

"I can't."

"And why not?"

"I... just can't. You should understand."

"I don't. Enlighten me."

Raven frowned. "You've never acted like this before..."

"Well maybe I'm fed up with you acting like you don't care about anything when you actually do!"

"I don't care about anything."

Jinx glared at her. "You know, I thought you were better than that. I didn't think you'd let a petty fight with those Titan guys stop you from saving all those people. I thought you might actually care about saving them enough to - well, obviously you didn't."

"They're not dead, Jinx."

"That's not the point. They all could've died and you wouldn't have lifted a finger to help."

"Well like I said, I don't care about anything-" Raven bit her lip, immediately regretting her words. That did not come out the way I wanted it to.

Jinx's eyes widened, then hardened into bitter pools of pink. "You're acting like the type of sorceress that the Titans believe you are. If you really don't care about human life at all..."

Raven remained silent, hood shadowing her face. Jinx waited for a few moments, then gave off a noise of disgust.

"I didn't mark you for the type to hold a grudge. These people had nothing to do with anything that happened in the past or anything to do with the Titans hunting you."

"Well, I do hold grudges. Now you know."

The pinkette scowled. "And what's worse is you actually helped those Titans - you fucking saved their lives and healed them even though they're the ones hunting you, but you don't bother saving all those innocent people. How do you expect their image of you - of us to get any better if you won't even do that for them?"

"I don't expect our image to get better. They already think we're evil, and that's not going to change."

"Then maybe I should leave."

Jinx turned. Raven watched her for a moment, then spoke in a very tiny voice, almost like she was... afraid? "Why?"

"I mean, obviously we have conflicting interests. I want to make people think that sorceresses can be good too. But you... don't care about anything. Not even yourself. So why should it matter either way?"

"Because-" Raven clenched her hands into fists, trying to work up the words in her throat, but finding that she could not summon any feeling, any strength to speak what she wanted to say. Maybe it was because she was scared that it would arouse some unpleasant feeling within her, or maybe she was afraid of something else... what would happen if she admitted how deep down, beneath the barriers she had set up to contain her emotions, what if she admitted that something... that something that she dared to hope for, then have that hope go unfulfilled?

A number of scenarios went through her mind. What if Jinx were killed, or taken away, or what if she simply died naturally - not all sorceresses were ageless - or what if something happened that would cause her to depart forever? If she allowed herself to feel anything... if I allow myself to feel anything, or hope for anything and that were to happen, I know I wouldn't be able to handle it. So I won't let myself feel anything, and it will be okay either way. She can go, and I will be alone... and I will feel nothing.

She bit her lip, still trying to summon up the words as Jinx waited patiently. If I dare to hope, and I admit it... so many things could go wrong if I did that. If I admit that... then I also open myself up to despair. Is it worth it? It would be so much more than this melancholy that pervades the air. I have felt it before... she clutched at her heart, the faint memories tingling with anguish. When she had lost everyone, when she had seen them die before her eyes, unable to do a thing to stop it, when so many things had happened... in the past, she had felt a lot. Too much, far too much. In the end, I figured out that quelling my emotions was better. At least I would not have to deal with everything anymore. I could live... in peace.

"Because," she sighed, returning to her original answer, but finding that she really could not answer.

I can reason through it logically all I want, she finally admitted to herself. But that won't change how I feel. I have to bury that, and let whatever happens happen.

"Fine," Jinx responded after a moment, watching Raven sadly, but turning nonetheless. "If you don't want to admit that you were wrong and if you don't want to admit that you really do care or at least should care, then I'm going to go. There's no point in sticking around here if you're not going to help me."

"You'll be alone," Raven whispered.

"So? Eventually I'll meet someone else who accepts me, who I can actually talk to, and who actually feels something. Not like you."

"Jinx-"

"I'm going." She disappeared into the veil of snow, leaving Raven to stand there alone, an awful sense of dread creeping through her heart.


Raven woke up, and sat instantly as she saw the moonlight stream through the open window. Her curtains fluttered lightly, veiling the wind and the night sky. Shivering, she drew the blankets around her and looked in the mirror.

There was a flash of pink in her eyes. Raven muffled a gasp and got up quickly. Was it a dream, or..?

Rushing out of the room, she glided rapidly downstairs, through a hall toward another bedroom, Jinx's bedroom, breath stuck in her throat. Is she still here, or did she..?

She arrived and opened the door quietly, peeking inside. The bed appeared to be empty and from what she could see, there was not a soul in sight. She opened it all the way and stepped inside, noting that it felt unusually cold, unusually empty... did she really leave me?

Still not daring to breathe, Raven's eyes scoured the dark room again, though she knew that she wouldn't find anything new, but she looked again anyway, hoping that she had missed seeing the other girl... it's empty. She let out the air in her lungs in a low, defeated breath, and stood still.

Then turned quickly as she sensed someone behind her.

Jinx raised an eyebrow as she saw the other girl turn around, then looked slightly worried as she noted the panic and despair flooding through Raven's eyes.

"Raven? Everything okay?"

Somehow, the dark sorceress kept her voice steady. "I was looking for you. Where were you?"

"Taking a walk. Why? Did you need me for something?"

Raven took a deep breath. Her hands trembled. "I thought you were mad at me."

Jinx frowned. "Well, maybe I still am. A little. I mean, do you know how frustrating you can be sometimes? Yeah, none of those people died from the storm, but..."

"I'm sorry," Raven spoke faintly, very softly.

Jinx blinked. Did she just... apologize? She's never done that before... "Err... well, I mean it's okay, but maybe you should consider being less, um, irritated by little things in the future? Obviously the Titans weren't going to be like 'oh my God, you are our savior' or anything like that."

"I know. I should not have overreacted."

Jinx looked at Raven curiously. The violet haired girl's eyes were glimmering a little. "Are you feeling alright? You're acting strangely. I mean, it's not like you to-"

"I know." I was... frightened. Violet eyes met pink ones and there was a momentary understanding before Raven looked away. "I'm keeping you from your rest."

"N-not at all. I mean, I only went out to take a walk. It'd be pretty pathetic if I got tired from just that-"

"You're tired," Raven murmured. "You haven't slept since we came back. And it must have been hard getting through that snowstorm."

"I... guess so. You sure you don't need anything?"

Raven shook her head. Jinx studied her carefully for a moment, still a little worried, but detecting nothing seriously wrong, nodded and moved past her, discarding her clothing and slipping into bed, closing her eyes. And then she turned as she felt another body press up against her own... Raven's... she knew - she had slept with the other woman many times, after all. But it was strange. Normally Raven's body was cold, very cold, almost like ice, but today, she seemed warm, like any normal human's body should have been. Weird...

Jinx turned and felt Raven's breath tickle her collarbone, the sorceress's arms wrapped around her waist. Out of habit, her own hands came down and she touched Raven's chest, moving down to her nether regions, but then she felt the violet haired girl stop her, placing her hand across her own hip, pressing their bodies together closer.

"Not tonight," she breathed out sleepily.

If she thought that anything was off about Raven just wanting to cuddle - what the hell. There's like a hundred things wrong with it, but hey, I'm not going to argue with that - she didn't say anything and merely contented herself with letting the other girl's body warm her own, slowly drifting off into a peaceful, dreamless sleep.