Sixth year; everything changed. Lily returned from the summer holidays nearly unrecognizable. After her very public incident with Severus, something had been different about her. You could see the spark, which once shone so brightly, flickered like a dying lightbulb. She never admitted out loud that she was hurting. She put on a brave face for everyone around her, but I knew better. I knew Lily better than I knew myself and it was clear that she was not the same. Neither was our relationship. I would never forget the first time my heart was broken by Lily Evans.

Our meetings became less frequent and when we did still get together, it wasn't as it used to be. Instead of loving or playful, Lily seemed distant. It felt like she used me to numb the pain. Of course at the time I hadn't realized that was what she was doing, but looking back on it now, that's exactly what it was.

We rarely spoke. The moment I would make my way into our secret space she would immediately undress and attack me. We would make love for hours, finish, then she would be gone before I'd even have my clothing back on. I hated it. It left me with an uneasy, dirty feeling. She was slipping away; I felt it in the pit of my stomach. I couldn't shake the foreboding feeling that soon she would leave me broken. And, sadly, she did.

***

Others began to notice our obvious distancing from one another. One evening, right before Easter, Remus sought me out and found me studying alone in the library. He startled me when I heard the chair scrape against the floor; it caused me to jump and knock my book off the table. Graciously he bent down and retrieved it then gave me an apprehensive smile. I hadn't liked the look on his face. It plainly said that he wanted to talk, and talking was the last thing I wanted to do with anyone. Except Lily.

"Mary," he said heavily. Concern saturated every inch of his voice.

I had to fight a strong urge to either hit him or cover my ears with my hands. Instead I settled on returning to my studies. Although, I almost hadphysically assaulted him when he grabbed the quill out of my hand. I looked up and gave him a look that should have caused his hair to catch fire. Remus was not phased in the slightest, he laughed.

"Come on, Mary. Talk to me," he pleaded.

Yes, it was true that I had more or less been avoiding most of my friends for weeks at that point. It began to become too exhausting to keep up the charade of being the same happy-go-lucky Mary they had known for the previous five and a half years.

"Go away, Remus," I said in a tired, monotone voice. It shocked me how much my voice had changed. It sounded empty; not like me at all.

Apparently Remus was not going to let me off so easily. He exhaled loudly then reached for my hand. I recoiled.

"You know that I know, right?" he said cryptically.

I drew in a sharp breath and quickly covered it up with a snort. My body stiffened. I heard a ringing in my ears. He knew? How could he have known? We had done everything in our power to not let anyone know. No. No, he must had been speaking of something else.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Remus," I tried to say in a loud, confident voice, but it came out hardly above a whisper.

I watched as the right side of his mouth lifted and he raised a single eyebrow. "Mary," he said again. Only that time it was like he was scolding a toddler.

Offense was the best defense, I'd heard. I mimicked his expression and his tone angrily, as I spat his name at him like an expletive. "Remus."

Remus closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Mary, trust me, I know how hard it must be for you to open up about it, but you know you can trust me, right?"

I remained silent.

"Right," he said after a few moments. "So I reckon we don't have to talk about the fact that you are in love with Lily, and the two of you have had something going on together, which seems to have recently fallen apart, since fourth year."

Even though on the inside I was close to breaking down, shouting at him or shutting down completely, I kept my face smooth and impassive. I debated on whether I should have told him or not. He was right, if there was anyone who would have understood, it was Remus. He opened up to me, during third year, about his feelings for Sirius. Feelings which eventually developed into a loving relationship between the two boys. And he was trustworthy. Everyone knew if you told Remus a secret, he would take it with him to the grave. Still, I wasn't sure if I could have done it. Knowing I was bisexual was one thing, but actually saying it was another; I'd never actually said the word out loud.

I looked into Remus's golden eyes, which were wide and sincere. I never knew exactly what I saw in them that caused me to change my mind, but something about the warmness of his smile, and the assurance I felt from his stare, calmed me.

I cast my eyes to the table and ran my hand through my hair. "Third year, actually," I whispered.

I tried to ignore the satisfied smirk that briefly flashed across his lips.

"Looking back on it, I think I knew while we were dating that you had feelings for her, actually," Remus admitted quietly.

I chuckled softly. How funny it was that the both of us had feelings for other people while we were together, and only saw it in hindsight.

"I knew about you with Sirius, too," I smiled.

A light shade of red stained Remus' scarred face as he shrugged apologetically.

"Would you like to talk about it? I feel it's better to let these things out, rather than hold them in until you explode," Remus asked.

Honestly, I wanted to talk about it. I wanted so badly to finally unleash and admit everything that I had been feeling, and that had happened over the course of those last few years. The only person I ever opened up to about everything was Lily. But even then, we still never used that word to describe our sexuality. We never said that was what we were. We just... were. Also, I could have hardly spoken to Lily about how Lily was breaking my heart. Maybe confiding in Remus wouldn't have been such a bad idea.

I assumed he read my expression and knew the decision I'd come to, because he slowly stood up and sent my belongings back into my bag with a fluid swish of his wand.

"Come on, Mary. Let's take a walk."

Feeling as if I had no other choice, I rolled my eyes and reluctantly stood up. "Fine," I conceded.

Remus and I left the library and slowly strolled through the deserted corridors of the castle. For not really wanting to talk about everything, I was amazed at how freely and quickly the words began pouring out of my mouth once I had gotten started. I told Remus everything – well, almost everything. I'd left out a lot of the more intimate details of mine and Lily's relationship.

I'd told him how I felt the first time I saw her. How confusing and kind of scary it was to feel an attraction to this girl whom I had just met. How that attraction only continued growing stronger with each day spent in her presence.

Remus was a fantastic listener. He remained silent nearly the entire time, only once in a while offering a reassuring word, or offering a joke to lighten the mood when needed. I never dreamed that I would have felt that much better after finally opening up and admitted everything to someone. It was an unbelievably liberating feeling.

"So what's the issue then?" Remus asked before I had gotten to the part about Lily distancing herself from me, little by little.

I shook my head and let out a heavy sigh. "I really don't know, to be quite honest. Everything seemed to start falling apart after she and Severus parted ways. After he called her… called her a-" I couldn't say the word.

My throat felt tight and that uncomfortable prickling feeling of welling tears stung my eyes at the thought of Lily's face when that disgusting, sodding, waste of perfectly good oxygen called her that horrible name. True, it was nothing that she or I hadn't heard before, but coming from herbest friend, it was entirely different. Harsher. More severe.

I gestured towards a stone bench beneath one of the windows in the hallway, then Remus and I both took a seat. My shoulders sagged from the overwhelming weight of sadness I'd been carrying around with me for weeks. Remus raised his arm slightly, hesitated for a moment, then put it around my shoulders and gave me a gentle squeeze.

"Do you think perhaps she's afraid of being hurt by someone she cares for again? And that's why she's pushing you away?"

I hadn't thought of that. It was definitely a good possibility. I shrugged. "Maybe?"

But then something occurred to me. I'd noticed throughout the course of the year something I really hadn't given much thought to before that moment. Lily's entire attitude towards James Potter had shifted. For starters, she almost never referred to him as Potter, and I'd actually caught her laughing at a few of his jokes. She also started sitting with James, Sirius, Remus and Peter during meals, and hung around them quite a bit in the common room. There was also something else that had bothered me, something I only really thought of in those moments right before drifting off to sleep. Even the way she looked at him had changed. Instead of the icy, murderous glared I'd become accustomed to her throwing his way, she almost seemed to have stars in her eyes when she'd watch him. The way she looked at James Potter had become quite similar to the way she had once looked at… me.

She didn't care for me any longer. At least, not in that way. After years of James' persistence, and her no longer under the influence of Severus' friendship, she was now seeing James as everyone else saw him. A bit of a goof, but all around a genuinely decent bloke. That was why Lily and I had not been together in our secret room since Christmas time. She had fallen for James. I'd lost her.

Until I'd felt the tears falling onto my clenched hands, I hadn't even realized I'd begun to cry.

"No, R-Remus," I hiccoughed. "I don't think that's it. It's quite obvious, isn't it?"

I looked up at his blurred face through tear filled eyes. He shook his head as a crease of confusion formed between his eyebrows. "I'm not really sure what you mean, Mary. What's obvious?"

A bitter laugh left my lips. "She's finally fallen for James."

It was silent for a few seconds. Remus looked thoughtfully across the corridor. He nodded subtly. "Oh," was all he said, then squeezed me more tightly.

I'd sat there crying for a long time that evening. Remus rubbed soothing circles on my back, occasionally saying he was sorry. I was grateful for him. Grateful that he hadn't forced me to talk anymore and just let me cry myself out. I knew I was correct in my assumption about Lily, but I had to hear it from her. If she and I were really over, I knew I'd needed closure. And until I heard the words from her mouth, I wouldn't let myself fall apart any more. I knew I needed to pull myself together and find her. She and I needed to talk.

Gently I wiggled myself out from Remus' arm and wiped my face with back of my sleeve. Remus looked worried for me. He eyed me carefully, almost like he was trying to see through me and read my thoughts.

"Really, I'm alright now," I lied. True, I was finished crying, but I was far from alright.

I knew Remus hadn't bought it, but I appreciated that he humored me and pretended that he had.

"Why don't you talk to her about it?" he suggested.

"That's what I was planning on."

I could have vomited. Just because I knew I needed to hear it from her, that didn't mean I wanted to. What I wanted was for her to tell me I was being completely silly, laugh her tinkling laugh then snog me into next Sunday. But I knew that was far from what would happen.

On our walk back to the common room I had an idea. It was still roughly an hour from curfew, so I had time.

"Remus, I have to do something. I'll see you later on, yeah?" I said.

"Er… sure?" he said, undeniably confused, but something about my manic expression must had kept him from questioning me.

I leaned up on my tippy-toes and placed a small kiss on his cheek, leaving him looking even more confused. "Thanks!" I said, before turning on my heel and sprinting towards the Owlry.

***

As I paced and waited for Lily to hopefully arrive to our spot, I played out every possible scenario in my head of what may come. I figured there could have been three different outcomes, if she did show.

One - she would tell me that I was completely wrong and had built it all up in my head, and she and I would continue on and live happily ever after. Two - she would confirm what I believed was true. That she had developed feelings for James and did not wish for the two of us to carry on any longer. Three - she would tell me I was mental, she had not developed feelings for James, but still, she did not wish for us to carry on any longer. I really hoped it was the first one.

I waited for what felt like days until I heard the sound of a door closing, followed by a soft voice calling out my name. "Mary?"

I felt like I was doused in ice cold water. Soon I would have an answer, one way or another.

"Over here, Lily," I yelled back.

It seemed like the room started spinning, because I was so nervous. I held my breath.

When Lily appeared from around the corner I almost lost my nerve. I almost said, You know what Lily, never mind. Have a wonderful evening. But I didn't. Instead I stood there frozen and studied her face carefully. It had changed since the beginning term. When we first arrived back to school in September, Lily's face had a tired, drawn quality about it. She had bags under her eyes and was paler than I'd ever saw her. Lily's skin had always been fair, but then, it looked sickly.

Looking at her in front of me, I saw a touch of color had returned to her cheeks. The bags under her eyes were all but gone. And that spark, the light that was unique to her eyes alone, seemed as it was almost back in full force. As happy as I was to see her looking more like herself, it saddened me horribly. It saddened me because it made me realize just how long it had been since I truly looked at her properly, despite us sharing a dorm together. It saddened me, because it only showed how long it had been since she and I had spent any time together. I'd begun to feel like I hardly knew her any longer.

Lily's mouth turned down in a frown as she scrutinized my face.

"You look terrible, Mary. Are you not feeling well?" she asked softly.

I almost laughed. I couldn't believe she had actually asked me that. Truly she hadn't known why I wasn't looking well? After all we'd been through? She didn't realize that maybe it was her absence, her disappearing out of nowhere that caused me to look that way?

I shook my head. "Not really, no." I whispered.

She took a step towards me. "Sorry," she said. From the tone of her voice, I knew that she was apologizing for much more than me just not feeling well. The way she said it, I could tell she was apologizing for much, much more. There was such a weight on that small word, it could have sunk a battle ship within seconds.

"I know," I responded.

And that was when I knew. We were over.

Suddenly my legs did not seem to be able to hold the weight of my body; of my overwhelming heartache. I sank slowly down onto the bed that she and I had spent so many wonderful hours in. I wanted to take my wand to it and blow it into a thousand pieces. For an object that used to bring me so much pleasure and so much happiness, it now represented loss and anger.

Hesitantly Lily walked forward and sat down next to me. I scooted away from her.

"Mary," she exhaled. "Please don't be like that."

Her voice shook, like she was holding back tears. A part of me relished in the fact that she was hurting as well.

"It's James, isn't it?" I asked without preamble.

I heard her sharp intake a breath. "Of course it isn't!" she immediately denied.

I looked up at her face, which was flaming red. She couldn't seem to look me in the eye, either. She was lying.

I snorted. "Right. If you say so, Lily." I said flatly.

I hadn't wanted to beat around the bush any longer. I wasn't strong enough to stay there with her if I couldn't be with her. I had to know – even though, truly I had known – that we were finished. Because I wasn't sure how much longer I could have held myself together.

"Mary listen-"

"No, I just want to know," I interrupted her. "Are we through? Because you've barely spoken to me in weeks. You almost seem to be going out of your way to avoid me. I deserve more than that, Lily. You know I do. So please, just tell me, are you finished with me?"

I braced myself as I watched Lily wring her hands together. Still, she seemed unable to bring herself to look at me. I counted my heartbeats while waiting for her to answer. 57 later, she spoke.

"Yes, yes. I think we're through, Mary. I'm sorry," she said quietly. I waited for her to elaborate, but she did not say any more.

I wasn't having that. I wanted – no needed, an explanation.

"Why?" I demanded.

Finally she looked directly at me. Her eyes glistened with unshed tears. I felt one of my own glide down my cheek.

"Because, Mary," she began; throwing her hands up in the air. "What kind of relationship could we really have?"

My heart stopped. It was the main thing that nagged at the edge of my mind the entire time we were together. Why else had she kept me her dirty little secret? She'd been ashamed of me.

"The same one we've had?" I suggested.

Lily snorted. "Oh yes, doesn't that sound lovely? Sneaking around, hiding in dark corners of the castle, not being able to show affection in public. That sounds like the most wonderful, healthy relationship, doesn't it?" she shouted.

I was speechless.

"Think about it, Mare. It's bad enough that most of wizardkind already hates us due to our filthy blood. Imagine if people found out we were romantically involved?"

"But why should that matter?" I cried out. "Nearly everyone knows about Remus and Sirius, and no one seems to give a damn!"

She shook her head as a sardonic smile formed on her lips. "Because everyone knows that James, Sirius, Remus – and even little Peter – would hex them into next week," she said with an edge to her voice. "That doesn't mean that people still don't talk behind their backs."

I'd started to become angry. So that was what worried her? What people would think? Her reputation had been more important than our feelings for one another? I'd almost preferred that she had told me it was because she'd fallen for James. At least that I would had been able to wrap my head around!

"You really care that much about what people might think?!" I screeched.

Lily looked alarmed. It wasn't often that I'd lost my temper in that way.

"Mary, please, be reasonable. It's just not what people do! You learn at an early age; go to school, get an education, meet someone, get married and start a family. We could hardly get married or start a family, and…" she trailed off.

"And what, Lily?"

She gave me a look that seemed to just beg me to understand. But I couldn't.

"And I want children… eventually."

I felt like the air had deflated out of me. I would have given Lily anything in the world. Anything. But I could not give her that.

"Oh," I said. "Right."

Lily reached over and took my hand. For a second I debated on ripping it away from her, but instead I let myself relish in the feel of her soft, warm skin for one last time. Then, after trying my hardest to keep myself from falling apart, tears begun streaming down my face as my shoulders shook with silent sobs.

I heard Lily sniffle. "I'm so sorry, Mary," she whispered hoarsely.

I looked up and gave her a strained smile. "So am I."

We sat there for quite some time, just holding hands and crying quietly. There was no more begging, no more yelling, no more pleading. Just silence. It was the loudest silence I'd ever been in; it was almost deafening.

Before she left, she gave me one last kiss on the cheek, squeezed my hand and walked out of our secret room, leaving me behind to pick up the shattered pieces of everything that we had known.

I'd never experienced heartbreak before that point, but had heard how awful it was. I'd read about it in books and had seen it in movies, so I'd thought I had a grasp on how painful it might had been. How wrong I was. It didn't exactly feel like your heart was breaking, as the name would suggest. It almost felt like your heart was missing. Like there was a large, gaping, festering hole where it had once beat so strongly. My body felt heavy; dreadfully heavy. Like the weight of every person's problems and troubles had been placed upon me, crushing me and making it near impossible to breathe. I'd felt hopeless, lost and excruciatingly sad. I wouldn't have wished that feeling on my worst enemy. Not even Snape.