Throughout our seventh year I realized that my rapid descent into crippling depression was in direct correlation to Lily's growing affection for James. The two of them had started dating not long after term began. Apparently she had seen him quite a bit over that summer, and the two of them fell madly in love, or whatever nauseating term you'd like to use. It was nearly unbearable to be around the pair of them, and despite my feelings for Lily, I wasn't the only one who had felt that way. On many occasions Sirius would crack a joke about needing to vomit, or Remus would loudly call over to the lovebirds to get a room. There were times that I'd almost felt she was flaunting her relationship; rubbing it in my face. Of course, that was most likely the bitterness that caused me to feel that way. Lily was never that type of person. There wasn't a vindictive bone in her body. But I would have preferred to believe she was putting on a show rather than the alternative – that she really had fallen in love with James Potter.

I started to distance myself from the lot of them; kept to myself most of the time. I generally preferred the company of a good book over the mindless prattle of most of my classmates. I couldn't be bothered with the rumors of who slept with whom, which moron received a detention, who McGonagall told off in the corridor, or any of the other mundane nonsense that used to amuse me. Emmeline and Dorcas had eventually given me up as a bad job, which was fine by me, because made it less noticeable that I wasn't really speaking to Lily much at that point either.

There was only one person, besides Remus, who hadn't abandoned me. Oddly enough, the person I became closest to during that time was Peter Pettigrew. Something seemed different about him, as well. He also became more withdrawn – which was saying something, because he was always the least boisterous out of his friends – and had an air of sadness around him. It was what brought us together, I thought. Our mutual depression. A part of me secretly wondered if he had been in love with James and that was what caused his sudden change of personality. Regardless, it was nice to have at least one more friend. Especially one who was as miserable as I was. Like they say, misery loves company.

Even though I truly did like Peter, I really never saw him as a sharp bloke. That was why it completely surprised me one evening when he asked a question I'd never expected him to ask.

Lily and James were busy publicly inspecting each other's bodies in the common room, when Peter suggested we take a walk. I was incredibly thankful for the escape and all but ran out of the portrait hole when he asked.

"Mary?" he asked as we passed the Great Hall. "How long have you been in love with Lily?"

I stopped dead in my tracks.

"I'm sorry," my voice was rough, despite the octave higher it came out at.

He put his hand on my arm and smiled kindly. My heart was racing.

"I won't say anything. Promise. It's just…" he trailed off.

Merlin! I really never thought that I'd made it that obvious. First Remus the year prior and now Peter! I wondered who the hell else knew.

I didn't want to talk about it. I was tired of talking about it. Lily and I were over. Done. Finished. There was no use discussing it at all and the fact that he had asked me that made me incredibly angry.

I ripped my arm away from him and began walking away quickly.

The slapping sound of his footsteps was quickly followed by him yelling my name. I didn't stop.

"Ok!" he called out. "I'm sorry, alright? I shouldn't have asked."

When I stopped and faced him, he honestly looked so pathetic that I couldn't stay angry with him. His watery eyes looked like they were on the verge of tears, but honestly, they always did, and his bottom lip jutted out in a small pout. My shoulders sagged and I felt the left corner of my mouth turned up the tiniest amount.

"It's alright, Peter," I told him. He perked up immediately at my softening expression. "I'd just rather not talk about it, if that's alright?"

"Alright, Mare. If that's what you want," he said.

I reached up and ruffled his hair playfully then looped my arm through his, and we continued our walk around the castle, acting as if a discussion about Lily never even happened.

We started to talk about what we wanted to do after we left Hogwarts, since N.E.W.T.s were right around the corner, and the fact that we were leaving school was becoming more real with each passing day. Both Peter and I expressed a slight interest in joining the resistance against Voldemort. It was a secret group that Dumbledore headed which he called, The Order of the Phoenix. Students weren't supposed to know about it, but Frank Longbottom – who left school after our sixth year – had let us in on the secret during our holiday break in December.

The happenings outside of the castle were not lost on us. We read the articles in The Prophet about the sudden disappearances, murders and other vicious things You-Know-Who and his followers were causing. I'd even advised my own parents to leave the country for a while and stay with some relatives in The States, just until things calmed down a bit in Britain. Muggles had been targeted left and right, and I did not want to take any chances.

I was proud of Peter when he told me that he wanted to join. He had always been kind of meek and a bit soft spoken; not the sort you would expect to join a movement against the darkest wizard of our age. But I had to admit, he had seemed a little reluctant about it.

Soon our conversation turned lighter and more playful.

"Oh! I forgot I had to tell you something funny," he said as he bumped his shoulder into mine.

"What's that, Pete?"

He started laughing before even getting the words out of his mouth. My curiosity was peaked.

"What?!" I asked, and joined in with his laughter. I assumed it had to have been something really good for him to behave that way.

Finally he pulled himself together. "I know someone who fancies you," he sang like a nursery rhyme.

The smile left my face. Unless he was telling me that Lily was leaving James and coming back to me, I really couldn't have cared less.

"Who?" I said flatly.

"You know Reginald Cattermole? Hufflepuff in our year?" he asked.

I vaguely knew who he spoke of. He was a tall, skinny, redhead in our year. Very quiet, a bit of a nerd, but seemed like a nice bloke. He wasn't too bad looking, either. In a cute, puppy dog kind of way. I supposed it was the innocence about him that caused that. Cattermole seemed like the kind of person who you would want to bring home to your parents. Someone sweet and very safe. The complete opposite of what I'd had with Lily.

"Yeah?" I asked. "Why don't you introduce me to him, then?"

Peter smiled widely.

***

"Mary!" Reg called out from our living room. "Mail's here! You've got something from Lily!"

I was in our kitchen making some tea before Peter and Remus came for a visit. We'd been out of Hogwarts for nine months, and most people thought it had been very rash for me to have moved in with Reg, since we'd only been dating for eight of those months. But I enjoyed being with him. Our relationship was as easy and as normal as you could get. He treated me like a queen; like I was the most special woman in the world. Everything he did seemed to be solely for the purpose of making me happy.

I guess I liked him. I might have even loved him, in a way. Yet, I would had been lying if I'd said I wasn't a bit bored. We just didn't seem to have that same kind of passion that I'd once had with a different redhead. One who seemed to have felt the need to write to me that day. My mouth ran dry.

"Coming," I yelled back.

I walked out of our tiny kitchen and into the living room where Reg was sat in a worn, brown armchair – it was a hand-me-down from his uncle – next to our fireplace. He smiled and his eyes were bright with unconditional love as I entered. He pushed his glasses back up his nose and handed out an ivory envelope. Written on the front, in beautiful purple calligraphy was mine and Reg's names and address. I had an idea of what was inside. Rumors had been floating around The Order for weeks. I suddenly felt sick to my stomach.

"Something wrong, Mary?" Reg asked, his brow pulled together in concern.

I began to tear the letter open and shook my head slowly. "No. I'm fine, Reg." I plastered a phony smile on my face.

As I pulled out the parchment from inside, my throat tightened and a surge of anger coursed through me upon reading its contents. I could not believe she'd had the nerve.

Miss Lily Evans & Mssr. James Potter
Cordially invite you to
Join them in the union of Magical Matrimony at Potter Manor.

Fourteenth of April, Nineteen Hundred and Seventy-Nine
At 13:00

My hands began to tremble as I read the words on the light pink page. It smelled of vanilla and apples – of Lily.

I hadn't smelled her fragrance that strongly in so long, it took me off guard. Images of her laughing underneath me, running her fingers through my hair, and pressing me close to her body came unbidden into my mind. Even after all of that time, I still wasn't over her. I had still loved her. Tears of anger, shame and undeniable sadness started streaming down my face. She was marrying James.

Obviously Reg was alarmed by my reaction. What normal person begins to sob uncontrollably when they receive a wedding invitation from theirfriend? He quickly jumped out of his seat and wrapped his arms around me.

"Mare, what is it?" he whispered into my hair.

That moment was the closest I'd ever come to confessing to Reg and telling him about me, about Lily and myself… about what I was. He and I told one another everything. Well in my case, almost everything. I'd never had the courage to discuss my sexuality with him, or my past relationship with Lily. He had no idea. As far as he had known, I hadn't dated anyone besides Remus Lupin our third year at Hogwarts. There were times that it had almost exploded out of me, but in the end I'd never been able to do it. I never knew why I couldn't do it. Reg was a loyal, understanding and unfathomably kind man. I knew he wouldn't have thought differently, or poorly of me if he knew, but for whatever reason, I was ashamed and just could not do it. Which was why it was so hard to try and think of a reason I'd behaved so strangely after receiving Lily's invitation.

I came up with a bunch of bullshit half-truths. I told him that seeing her wedding invitation just caused me to realize how quickly life was passing by and how grown up and adult it made me feel. How I felt like we were just small children mere months ago, and now we'd been thrown into this world of war, responsibility and adulthood. I wasn't ready for it all, I cried to him; I wanted to go back to when life was simple, easy and fun.

Reg held me tighter and stroked my hair, then I completely lost it. I wasn't good enough for someone like him. He deserved better than someone as fucked up and broken as I was, but I was too selfish to let him go. I couldn't bear being left alone again. As if he would have left me anyhow. The damn fool.

When Peter and Remus stopped by, Reg said that he had some errands to run, but I knew it was his way of letting me spend some time alone with my friends. The three of us sat at the kitchen table, and I hated the worried and sympathetic looks the two idiots were giving me. Obviously I had been crying, my face was still blotchy and my eyes were red and puffy, but they didn't have to make it that obvious that they could tell.

Finally I had enough of the silence and not-so-covert looks they were giving one another when they thought I wasn't looking.

I set my tea cup back on the table and sighed. "Alright, just say what you are itching to say already and get it over with, please."

Both of them, at the same time, started to deny that they wanted to say anything. The frightened looks on their faces actually were quite amusing and I began to laugh.

"Come on you two," I said between giggles. "I'm really not that scary, am I?"

Remus cracked a smile. "Terrifying, actually."

Peter nodded in false agreement, a smirk formed on his face as well.

I raised my hands and bent my fingers like claws. "Rawr!"

The three of us all laughed and the tension which felt suffocating mere moments before began to slowly melt away.

"But seriously, Mare. How are you holding up," Peter asked after we regained composure.

I wasn't quite sure how to answer him without sounding like a complete arse. Honestly I had no right to be so upset about Lily's upcoming marriage to James. She and I hadn't been together in a very long time and I was in a relationship with a man who I cared very much about. Yes, she was my first love, and that was something that sticks with you. No matter how good or bad the relationship was, your first latches their way onto your heart and never fully lets go. But was it right of me to be behaving in such a way when I was with someone else? Probably not.

"I'm fine," I lied. I saw Remus open his mouth, presumably to disagree and call me out on my lie. "It was just a bit of a shock, that's all," I said quickly before he could speak.

Peter raised an eyebrow and shared a look with Remus which caused a wave of anger to course through my body. It was a look which clearly stated, "Yeah, mate. She's full of it." Sometimes those two were infuriating.

"Are you sure, Mary? Because you look…" Peter trailed off. I assumed it was the glare I flashed in his direction. He sank down in his chair.

"Do you both want to talk about looks? Because, in case neither one of you owns a mirror, let me tell you; neither of you are going to appear on the cover of Witch Weekly's Sexiest Wizard Alive issue this year."

Both of their faces dropped.

Damn me and my bloody conscience. As soon as I saw their expressions, I immediately felt terrible. It wasn't Remus' fault he had horrid scars and scratches down his face. It was his unfortunate condition which caused that, and I knew it was extremely cruel of me to make such a rude comment about his appearance. Poor Peter had never really been what you could call attractive. And considering that he was friends with two of the fittest blokes at Hogwarts for a majority of his life, I'm sure that couldn't have felt good, what I had just said. I wondered when I became so shrewd and bitter.

"Look, I'm sorry," I said. "I shouldn't have said that."

Neither one of them spoke for a few more moments. Then, after what felt like forever, Peter gave me a small, sad smile.

"S'Alright, Mare," he said softly. I could tell that I'd really hurt his feelings.

Not too long after that Remus and Peter left. They made up some excuse about needing to meet Sirius somewhere. They said they had a job to do for Dumbledore, but I had a sneaky feeling that they just wanted to get out of there. I hadn't exactly been the most gracious hostess.

As I cleaned up after them, I thought that Reg probably wouldn't have been home for a few more hours. I knew that he expected the boys to be there much longer than they were, and was most likely off visiting the Longbottoms. Frank had always been a sort of hero to Reg; almost like a big brother sort. It was usually where he went whenever he would leave to give me time alone with my friends.

As much as I tried to ignore it and not think about it, the fact that Lily had sent me an invitation kept poking at the edge of my mind. I couldn't figure out why she would have thought to invite me. Yes, she and I were friends, but we also had a past. A very intimate and intense past. That and, besides meetings for The Order, we hadn't really spoken to one another much since we were together. It wasn't exactly like we were close. I just didn't get it.

I didn't know what made me do it, but before I could overthink it, I was grabbing my cloak and heading out the front door. I had to see her. I had to tell her in person that I was sorry, but I just couldn't make it. I wasn't strong enough to be there. After fastening the button on my cloak, I turned on the spot and felt the suffocating pressure envelope me into the darkness.

My feet slammed onto a dirt road as I caught my breath and looked up at the giant Potter Manor which Lily and James lived in. James' parents both passed away over the course of the year, so he and Lily took up residence in their huge home until they found something a little more modest. The place was quite intimidating, to be honest. It looked like something out of one of those black and white movies from the nineteen-thirties. Grandiose the house stood with its many, many windows, wall of hedges surrounding the yard, which waas nearly the size of the grounds at Hogwarts, and a line of willow trees lining the walkway to the front door.

My heart pounded as I slowly walked with crunching footsteps to their home. I didn't know what it was about Lily, but something always seemed to pull me right back. I told myself that I was only there to personally decline her invitation, but in the back of my mind, I knew that I just had to see her. Maybe seeing her would cause her to realize she was making a mistake and she would call off the wedding? Maybe she would decide she didn't care what people thought of her feelings for me? Maybe we could truly end up happily together?

I shook my head in a jerky fashion, trying to rid myself of such thoughts. I was in a relationship and it wasn't right for me to think in such a way. I was just there to tell her no, that was all.

I took the steps reluctantly. When I reached the third step, I changed my mind. I couldn't do it. There was no reason for me to have to speak with Lily face to face. I would just go home and send her an owl politely refusing to show to the wedding. She'd understand. I didn't think she really expected me to go anyhow. I reckoned she probably just invited me to be polite. Just so I hadn't heard about it from everyone else.

When I turned around and started rushing down the stairs, I heard a voice behind me.

"Mary?" James asked.

I froze.

My blood felt like it slowly iced over.

"Mary, is that you?" he asked again. This time his voice sounded a bit closer.

Quickly I plastered a wide smile on my face and turned around.

"James!" I exclaimed a little too brightly. I was definitely overdoing it.

James rushed towards me and surprised me by engulfing me in a tight bear hug. He lifted me off of my feet.

"Oh Mary it's so good to see you! Lily will be so pleased that you've stopped by. She was just saying the other day that it's a shame you two don't get to see each other much anymore," he exclaimed all in a rush.

As much as I wanted to hate James Potter, I couldn't. I never did, really. James was a great person and a great friend. The only thing he was guilty of was the same thing that Severus and I were guilty of, at one time or another – falling under the spell that was Lily Evans. It couldn't be helped, honestly. There was just something about her that seemed to draw people in. He was another one who never stood a chance when it came to her. The only difference was, he was the lucky one. You could see it in his eyes. They shone with that same light that Lily held in hers. Almost like she transferred some of it to him. It made my heart constrict in the most painful way.

"Did she now?" I asked flatly when he let me go.

He nodded with a big goofy grin that was so typically James. I couldn't help but to smile back; his was infectious.

"She's in the sitting room listening to the radio, why don't you go in and see her. I really wish I could stay, but I've got to meet up with Pad – erm, Sirius, Remus and Peter, unfortunately."

Lovely. She and I would be alone. I actually kind of hoped that James would have been there as a buffer.

"No worries, James. We'll catch up again another time."

James and I said goodbye, and as soon as I heard the distinct pop that told me he had Disapparated, I walked into the house. Truthfully I wanted to fly right back out the door, but since James had seen me, I couldn't very well leave.

As I stood in the foyer of their home, glancing up at the crystal chandelier which seemed way too lavish for James or Lily, I took a deep breath and began my way down the hallway, next to the spiral staircase. I heard music coming from a room towards the back of the house and assumed that must had been where Lily was.

My stomach did flips and I had to swallow down a bit of bile that rose in my throat. I shouldn't have gone there.

I knocked gently on the door and felt like my heart stopped beating altogether when I heard her musical voice call out, "Come in!"

I inhaled like it was the last breath I would ever take, squared my shoulders and marched confidently into the room. But the false bravado I tried to portray quickly melted away upon seeing her perfect figure curled up delicately in an oversized armchair. The smile she gave me seemed to light up the entire room, and my heart, which felt as if it hadn't beaten properly in months, came alive with a vengeance. But deep down I knew that she would soon leave said beating heart shattered once more. And shatter it is what she did. I know I'll never forget the final time my heart was broken by Lily Evans.