Emily
I can't be with the others right now. I can't be happy that Jayden's back when he left me alone.
My room is my sanctuary.
My tear stained pillow is my only comfort.
I focus on feeling numb because when I slip and feel something I feel everything. The pain of loss is so overwhelming, it consumes me entirely. One thought or memory reminds me of the worst day of my life.
A knock on the door brings me back to reality. I look at my alarm clock and realise that I've been zoned out for several hours now, the headache confirms it. When I hear another knock I carefully get off my bed, catch my balance and slowly walk to the door. Taking a deep breath I turn the handle and pull the door towards me to see Jayden standing there carrying a tray of food, looking worried.
For a minute the awkward silence is deafening, I wipe the tear tracks off my face. I can feel his eyes evaluating me; I can imagine what he sees. Red puffy eyes, red nose, pale skin, messy hair and dishevelled clothes.
With another blink he suddenly realizes that he's staring, "um Mentor wanted me to bring this to you." gesturing to the tray of food in his hands.
"Thank you." I say while taking the tray from his hands and walking to the bed. I sit cross legged and place the tray in front of me. I'm not hungry even though I haven't eaten since breakfast, so I just stare at it. After a few minutes of silence it's broken.
"Em, what's wrong?" I had totally forgotten that Jayden was still here until he said that. I look up at him with fresh tears as I remember what Mentor Ji told me that broke my heart. I can tell that he's worried but that makes me angry. If he was so worried, why did he leave?
"Why does it matter to you?" I replied angrily. He looked shocked, to be honest I've never spoken to anyone in anger before. I can usually control my anger, but his leaving was stupid and selfish.
"Emily I'm sorry I left but I honestly thought it was best. I couldn't stand the fact that you guys were getting hurt because of me." He explained. It was pretty much what he told the others when we got home. I don't respond, I just continue looking at him. That made him angry.
"Damn it Emily, everyone else has forgiven me why can't you?"
"Because you didn't leave them injured, unable to move, worried sick about you. AND YOU DIDN'T ABANDON THEM WHEN THEY FOUND OUT THEIR SISTER DIED!" I screamed, an immediate reaction. A heartbeat of silence passes, his face drops, I realize what I said and drop my head into my hands to start crying again.
I feel the bed move and shift a little until I realise that he is now sitting next to me.
"I'm so sorry Emily. I'm sorry." he whispers into my hair and gently wraps his arms around me and pulls my head into his firm chest. He doesn't say anything else for the rest of the night, he just holds me while I mourn my courageous big sister.
In the morning he explains why he really left. Knowing that we are willing to sacrifice our lives for him reminds him of the guilt and grief he has carried with him since his father died. He listens to me talk about Serena, wipes my face when the emotions become too much and holds me when I sleep. This pattern continues for a few days until he is able to persuade me to join the others.
Walking out to the living room with Jayden behind I stop at the doorway, suddenly overcome with guilt for ignoring them and hiding in my room for the last three days.
"Um guys. I'm so sorry for last few days. I didn't mean to just shut you out. I hope you're not too mad at me." I end up looking at the ground, shuffling my feet waiting for them to get upset with me.
"Em you know we would never get mad at you. We're just glad that you're feeling better." Mia assures me. I let go of a huge breath I hadn't realised I was holding. In no time at all we are able to laugh and just be ourselves. A few days later we welcome a new samurai to the team.
Antonio, the gold ranger, is Jayden's childhood best friend. He was able to build his own morpher and train himself. He moved away when he was a kid but moved back to fulfil a promise to Jayden to join us.
Jayden and Kevin were hesitant to let him join the team but for different reasons. Kevin's refusal was based on the fact that Antonio didn't have any formal training and his family wasn't samurai, Jayden didn't want his best friend to get hurt but refused to tell Antonio that. It took a few days but I was able to convince Jayden that letting Antonio join the team wasn't going to mean that Antonio was going to get hurt. I convinced him that he wouldn't lose Antonio to the nighlok like his father.
I really enjoyed talking to Antonio. He was bright and funny and didn't have the look of pity that the others have when I talk to them. While I didn't tell Antonio about Serena but I'm sure one of the others have. In no time at all its like Antonio has been here the whole time. I'm not sure how we went without him around.
2 weeks later they are there standing next to me as I say goodbye to my sister forever. While my sister's coffin is being lowered into the ground I feel a gentle pressure on my hand, I look down and see that I have grabbed Jayden's hand without thinking about it.
I just stand there and stare at my sister's final resting place, even after people have left. I didn't think that the day I was called to the power rangers would be the last time I saw my sister. There was so much I wanted to her about being a ranger, how much I've grown and how much I miss her.
"Em we're just going to join Mentor." Kevin tells me gently, so he doesn't startle me. I'm sure Mentor is talking to my parents. I nod without turning to look at them. When I hear their footsteps disappear I say my final goodbye to my sister.
Serena Terra Suzuki 10/5/1988 - 4/10/2008 Beloved Daughter and Sister
"Serena I'm so sorry I wasn't there to help you. I'm going to make you proud of me. I will defeat the nighlok for you. I hope you're happy and pain free wherever you are. I love you and I'm going to miss you so much. Goodbye Serena"
I walk towards my team and parents, sliding in between Mia and Antonio. After a few minutes of conversation I say goodbye to my parents and we start walking toward the car. I stop and take one last look at my sister's grave when a few tears fall gently down my face. Suddenly I am gathered in Mia's arms and I know that I can freely release all my tears. One by one I receive a hug from each of the guys.
Mia's role as the big sister is comforting, she reminds me of Serena. Mia strokes my hair and rubs my back while I cry. When I finish she wipes the smeared make up and tear tracks and offers a gentle smile.
From Mike, Kevin and Antonio I can feel sympathy.
From Jayden I feel compassion and understanding. In his arms I feel safe and protected.
After we return to the Shiba house Jayden and I help each other overcome the pain of losing a loved one. Every day we become closer to each other and soon we didn't need grief as a reason to be with each other. We would always sit next to each other at meals, sit next to each other when watching movies, he helps me with my training and my confidence.
Over time I have forgotten that I am supposed to be forgetting about my crush on him. If anything as I get to know him better, the feelings have gotten stronger. The stronger part of me knows he is just like this because he is my leader and friend but part of me wants to believe that he cares for me too.
