Warning to anyone who may not like it: this chapter is basically just a ball of fluff


TWENTY-FIVE: MY FAULT (287 days)

Merlin stood across from Kerenza, once again in the meadow. They had decided to practice their routine one last time before the beginning of the festival the next day - not that they really needed the practice, as they'd spent most of the previous day perfecting the routine.

But Merlin hadn't wanted to witness the execution. He just wanted to forget about his most recent near-death experience. So he'd dragged Kerenza out here. She'd been more than willing to join him. She said it was because she wanted to avoid any more awkward encounters with visiting royalty, and he couldn't really blame her for that.

Queen Annis had arrived the evening before, just as Merlin and Kerenza had returned from the meadow. She had laughed when she'd learned exactly who Camelot's Court Sorcerer was - Arthur hadn't been specific in his invitations, apparently. "I should have known," she'd said.

Annis hadn't been very impressed with the Court Physician's new apprentice, however. She had mistaken her for a...Well, a prostitute. Kerenza had been extremely embarrassed by that mistake, which was probably why she was actually wearing a dress today. A proper dress, one that fell to her ankles and had a slightly higher neckline than she usually wore.

All of a sudden, Merlin felt water fall on his head, dripping down his hair and into his face, pulling him out of his thoughts. Slowly, he turned to face the druid girl. She didn't even bother to hide her smirk. "Did you…just dump water on me?" Of course he knew it had been her. There was no one else around who could have done it, and her smirk…

"Obviously. You were distracted," she said, in her own defense. "What are you thinking about? I called your name several times and you didn't hear me."

With a small sigh, he sank to the ground and crossed his legs. "Queen Annis," he admitted.

Kerenza scowled, flopping onto the ground beside him. She laid on her back, covering her face with one arm. Her cheeks were slightly pink. "She doesn't like me."

"I don't think that's it. She's just…a difficult woman to please."

He regretted the words as soon as he saw her smirk - a smirk very similar to the one Gwaine was famous for, right before he said something entirely inappropriate. She propped herself up on her elbows and arched an eyebrow in his direction. Her blush deepened ever so slightly, yet her small embarrassment didn't stop her from saying, "Difficult to please? So you have personal experience trying to…please her, do you?"

"That -" he broke off, his own face burning. Damn. He hated that he blushed so easily sometimes. "That is not what I meant at all, and you know it. If it makes you feel any better, she's never been very impressed with me, either."

"Did she mistake you for a prostitute, too?"

"No…" he said slowly. "A fool."

She chuckled slightly, then gave him a serious look. "Why wouldn't she be impressed with you? You're…powerful."

Sighing again, Merlin laid down and stretched out, crossing his legs at the ankles. "Other than the druids, not many people know just how powerful I am. And for many years, hardly anyone outside of the druids even knew that I had any power at all. Queen Annis has only seen me as a bumbling and idiotic servant."

"In that case, you'll just have to show her that there is more to you than that."

He shook his head. "You're not even going to pretend to deny that I'm bumbling and idiotic?"

The grin she sent him was lopsided and caused his heart to do a strange flutter. "Merlin, I pride myself on being honest, even at the expense of the feelings of others. Sometimes, the truth hurts."

"You are almost as insufferable as Arthur."

She winced dramatically. "That was harsh."

"Sometimes, the truth hurts."

She chuckled, but didn't say anything else. They fell silent, not speaking for several minutes. Then, in a quiet voice, she asked, "Have you heard anything from Scathach? About Aithusa?"

Merlin shook his head. He was a little surprised that she remembered both of those names. He was fairly certain that she'd only heard them once or twice. "No." He'd expected the goddess to have contacted him by now. "I don't know if she's still healing Aithusa, or if she knows that the dragon enclosure isn't ready yet. Why are you asking?"

She shrugged. "I've never seen a dragon before," she said, her voice wistful. "I'm fascinated. I imagine that she's quite beautiful."

The warlock winced slightly at that. He wondered, not for the first time, what he could have done differently to prevent her beauty from being marred. "She was beautiful, when she first hatched." He smiled as he remembered calling her from her protective shell. "She was so small. Her scales are white, almost pearly. And her eyes were so full of wonder." His voice turned sad. The last time he'd seen her, there hadn't been a trace of that wonder left.

"What happened?" Kerenza whispered.

He clenched his fists. He remembered the tales of what had been done to the poor creature, the way that man had bragged about what he'd done. No living being - not even Morgana - deserved that sort of torture. "The Sarrum," he growled. "She spent two years chained to the wall of a pit with Morgana."

She gasped, her hands covering her mouth. Her eyes began to moisten, and Merlin could see her horror and outrage on behalf of the dragon.

"She was still an infant. The pit was far too small to accommodate a growing dragon. The older she became, the bigger she became, the more deformed she became."

A few tears trickled down her cheeks. Merlin found himself wanting to wipe them away. He didn't, though. "That is horrifying. How could anyone do that to an infant?" She shook her head. "This Sarrum…What happened to him?"

"He's dead," Merlin answered flatly. "He tried to have Arthur killed. His assassin killed him instead." He didn't say that it was his interference that had caused the assassin to kill the Sarrum instead of Arthur, but he had a feeling that he didn't need to say it.

"Good," she replied fiercely. "A man like that doesn't deserve to live."

He silently agreed with her.

"Do you ever miss it?" she asked suddenly. "Being a servant? Not having anyone know about your magic?"

Merlin sighed. For such a simple question, the answer was actually quite complicated. "Yes and no. I hated lying to my friends about something that makes up so much of who I am. I hated having to sneak around to protect Arthur and Camelot. I hated that there were times that I couldn't protect him as well as I'd have liked, because I couldn't tell him what I knew or how I knew it.

"Now, it's so much easier to keep the prat safe. He puts more stock in my 'funny feelings' than he ever has before. I don't have to hide who I am anymore, or worry about how to conceal my magic and protect my king at the same time. But the looks, Kerenza."

He shuddered. He wasn't worried about anyone trying to harm him again, not after the debacle with Sir Brennis and Sir Geraint. The looks were still disconcerting and hurtful. "I walk through the halls of the castle, or through the lower town, and I can see the fear and hatred directed at me. I knew that just changing the laws wouldn't change the opinions, but it still…hurts. I want the people to see the good in magic."

"They will, in time. That's the whole point of this festival, isn't it?"

Merlin nodded, a small smile pulling at his lips. "That, and I suspect that Arthur is going to finally announce that Gwen's with child. I can't be certain, though, because he's actually writing his own speech this time instead of having me do it for him. Which, of course, means that the speech will be terrible." He would be relieved when the news was announced to the whole kingdom. There had been several close calls with the knights, where Merlin had almost revealed the king and queen's secret.

Kerenza grinned. "Ma told me that he is going to be quite a handsome prince when he comes of age. Not only handsome, but wise and strong. He will make his parents quite proud."

The sorcerer nodded. "Treasa said as much to me."

He fell quiet again, thinking of his own parents. His mother had told him several times that she was proud of him. She was glad to see him finally able to be himself without fear of execution. Would Balinor be proud of him as well? He wished he'd had the opportunity to get to know his father better.

He'd never told his mother that he'd met Balinor, not until he'd shown her the dragon enclosure being built and explained that he would soon be the guardian of a young dragon. She had demanded to know how in the world he expected to be able to properly care for a dragon. And so he'd told her that he'd inherited his father's gifts.

She'd been devastated - as he'd known she would be, hence his hesitation in telling her - to learn of Balinor's death. She had assumed that he'd died years earlier, after he'd left Ealdor, but she'd always hoped that he had survived. It had been difficult for her to realize that she would never have a chance to see her beloved again.

Kerenza must have been thinking along the same lines, because she whispered, "I sometimes wonder if my father would be proud of me."

Merlin glanced at her. He hesitated briefly, then asked, "He's dead, isn't he?"

She nodded, tears once again in her eyes. "He died when I was ten. He was murdered by Uther's men, when our camp was discovered and raided. It was my fault he died." She covered her face with both of her hands as she started crying softly.

Merlin froze, uncertain of what to do. It was probably completely inappropriate, as they were both still lying in the grass, but he reached out and gently pulled her close to him. He just held her. "Kerenza, he was killed by soldiers. That is not your fault," he said gently.

"It is, though. I had been told to hide, with the rest of the children. We'd had enough forewarning that we were able to get most of the women and children out of the camp and to safety. Druids are generally very peaceful, and don't often fight. But the men of our camp weren't left with many options. The soldiers were upon them before the men could escape the camp as well. And I…I was arrogant." Her voice was watery. The tears were flowing freely down her cheeks. Merlin just kept holding her, wanting to provide as much comfort as he could.

"I felt that I could help, that I could use my magic to protect my home. I was a ten-year-old girl. I didn't stand a chance against seasoned soldiers, even with my magic. One of the men, he had cornered me. He was about to kill me, but Pa killed him instead. And then…Pa had hugged me, making sure I was all right. He wasn't paying attention to the fighting going on around him. I felt him fall, Merlin. He had been shot with an arrow. It pierced his heart. It killed him instantly. If I hadn't been so stupid, he never would have been distracted enough to be killed."

"I am so sorry, Kerenza." It had been difficult enough for him to lose his father right in front of him. But she had only been ten. He couldn't imagine the kind of nightmares that would come from that. "But it was not your fault. Uther was the one who sent the men. It wasn't your fault," he said fiercely, wrapping his arms tighter around her.


So, this chapter got away from me a bit. I hadn't intended for it to be so focused on Merlin/Kerenza, but that's what ended up happening. Their conversation just kept flowing and I decided to just go with it.

I also belatedly realized that Trickler created butterflies in one of the episodes, but I like to think that maybe he just transported them from somewhere else instead of actually creating them out of thin air. Merlin should be the only sorcerer who can do something like that.

To NerdGirlAlert: He is totally Merlin's wingman. And I'm kind of loving it, even though I really hadn't intended for him to get this ridiculous about it. And I love your idea of the "duet." I have something planned, kind of. It should be cool.

To Guest: I'm really sorry to hear that the romance part is ruining the story for you. However, I'm happy with the direction I'm taking the story, romance included. But I should probably go in and change one of the tags, as it seems like it's going to be a bigger part of the story.

To xxxLeanniexxx: Oh my gosh. That mental imageI nearly choked on my food as I read that. I love it.

To anyone shipping Merlin/KerenzaAny good ship names? I will admit that I liked the name that mizzymel came up with for Gwaine and Kerenza (even though that ship won't sail, not if Kerenza keeps developing the way I'm trying to get her to develop, Gwainza was a good name).