"Listen, I only have one thing to say to you." Tony says to Loki as he passes his disguise in the corridors. "You better not fuck us over here."
Loki swallows. A million possible insults cross his mind, but he doesn't have the energy to utter a single one. "I won't."
"Good." Tony steps away. "Go fix that—his mind." He waves his hand as if he doesn't care.
"You or Thanos," Loki calls after him. "Tough choice, but one's clearly better than the other."
Tony blinks as if surprised. Despite the fact that he's human and arrogant as hell, maybe they could have been friends. But Thanos ruined it all. Well, not Thanos entirely.
Also me. I ruined it.
If only there were a way to fix his mind. Make him into a good person.
Does he even want to be?
There is a way. The thought comes flavored in his mother's voice.
It's like magic. Magic doesn't erase reality. It alters our perception of it.
I know you're frustrated, Mother would say as she wrapped an arm around his shoulders. But it takes time. I'm still learning, and you're far ahead of where I was when I was as young as you.
Practice. Choose to practice. Loki casts an image of Tony Stark down at the gardens, where Sam, Scott, and Clint practice. Clint shoots an arrow at it and it flies through.
"Loki!" he can imagine Clint yelling. The three men glare around, crouching, searching the area. Loki pulls away from the window.
He's supposed to use Gungnir on Bucky's mind tonight, before the Guardians arrive, but he doesn't want to wait that long. Why hold out on giving someone a fresh start?
He finds his brother speaking with the Warriors Three. Hugun notices him first, peering into the dark doorway where Loki lurks. The others follow suit.
"What do you want?" demands Fandral.
They'll always hate me. Except, maybe not Sif, not entirely. Loki nods at Gungnir, clutched in Thor's hand. It doesn't quite seem to fit so well as Mjolnir. "I want to fix the Soldier's mind."
"I thought we were waiting until tonight for that," Sif says.
Loki shrugs. "Why wait?"
"Because Thor cannot break free from any of his meetings until then, and he will not entrust you with that ever again," Volstagg informs him.
Of course. Loki crosses his arms, glad his illusion can't show the heat rushing to his cheeks. How can you be good when everyone around you expects you to fail?
"I could go with him and return it to you," offers another voice, from behind one of the pillars. Bruce steps out and offers a smile. "I don't think Loki will try anything with the Hulk guarding him."
"Probably not," Thor agrees.
"Are you sure it's wise?" Volstagg asks.
"Not entirely." Thor rolls his eyes and looks at Loki as if measuring him.
What am I worth to you?
Far more than I've earned.
He hands Gungnir over to Bruce.
"A Hulk with Gungnir could be quite fun," Loki quips.
Bruce stares at the staff, gingerly holding it in front of him. "I think it's more likely I'd snap it in half."
"The magic's within is too powerful to let you do that," Loki snaps.
Bruce winces as if saying, remember the last time you underestimated the Hulk?
"Let's hope we don't find out."
Fandral draws a knife and slides it across his throat as a not-so-subtle threat as Loki and Bruce head out of the room.
"I'm glad you're doing this for Bucky," Bruce says to him as their footsteps echo. "I'd give anything if someone could fix me."
Loki shakes his head. "It doesn't work quite the same way. The Hulk was a part of you, always, somewhere in your genes, waiting for something to make it emerge. The Winter Soldier was embedded into Barnes's mind."
"Oh." Bruce nods, contemplating the information. "Sif told us about her idea."
Loki grits his teeth. His jaw throbs. "And why would she do that?"
"She wanted me to try to convince you to do it."
"You?" Loki scoffs.
"Well, in all fairness," Bruce says with a shrug as he bangs Gungnir against a wall. "Oops. But in all fairness, I'm supposed to become the Hulk to help take down Thanos. If you can freeze a group of Chitauri or whatever other alien race is there, wouldn't that be useful?"
If it's a choice between showing everyone what lies under your skin, or watching everyone die in Thanos's massacre, what will you choose?
He can't fathom the idea of Thor dying, Mjolnir slipping from his grasp. Then he'd truly be alone. And letting Bruce die as the Hulk—the entirety of Asgard, which he ruled for several years, fall into despair when they realize all their hope and all their leaders and warriors have bled out…
He can almost hear Mother's voice again, like the time Loki was mad Odin paid him no attention and stole several books from Odin's chamber, books his father needed to govern properly. Tell him the truth, she encouraged, cradling Loki's head. It won't be that bad.
The right thing to do isn't always easy.
We are all blind, Loki thinks, because all the while Mother and Odin kept their secret, for the sake of ease. But she still loved him. Odin, too, loved him.
"I'll think about it," Loki tells Bruce as they enter Bucky's chambers to see Natasha aiming a kick at Bucky's face.
"Should we come back later?" Loki quips.
"Just practicing," Natasha pants.
Bucky's eyes latch onto Gungnir. "If I hand this over to you, you won't use it for world domination, will you?" Bruce asks.
Loki shakes his head.
Natasha steps back towards the window, hoisting herself up on the sill. Mother always used to yell at Loki for doing that, afraid he would fall. He never would. And he doesn't think Natasha will either—not the spider woman.
"How does this work, exactly?" Bucky asks, worrying his lip.
"Magic," Loki replies, knowing the answer won't set him at ease. "It won't hurt you."
"If he turns into a man who thinks he's a dog, I will personally beat his skull in," Natasha says. "Or Bruce will."
Bruce shrugs and folds his arms.
"It won't," Loki insists. "But it doesn't make you into a good person either, you know."
"He already is one," Natasha says. The sunlight catches her hair as she leans forward.
"Well then." Loki rolls his eyes. "As long as he continues to choose to be kind and whatnot, he'll be fine." That's the difference between you and me.
It wasn't your choice.
"Do I need to do anything?" Bucky asks, paling. Shadows slip along the walls, crisscrossing over the vaulted ceiling. Shelves of books line the walls, books Loki read long ago.
"No, I'll do everything." And there's not a lot to it. Loki hesitates, and then reaches out and grips Bucky's shoulder. "Trust me."
It's a foolish thing to ask, but Bucky nods anyways.
Desperation.
Norns, I cannot mess this up.
He always messes up. He always lets people down. Not now, damn it, not now. He actually cares about the man in front of him, the woman watching him, even the man/Hulk who tried to convince him to use the Casket.
Because, besides Thor and perhaps Sif, they don't see him as a monster.
Loki closes his eyes, breathes deep. A whiff of smoke filters in through the window. He envisions his mother, his father, all the lessons he got from them, from tutors. Gungnir hums against his palm, and this time it feels right—it's supposed to be there, he's supposed to be holding it, he's got to rescue a man chased and tortured and molded into a machine by human versions of Thanos.
If anything, you're an inspiration to me.
Energy builds in the staff, flows from him. Loki cracks his eyes open. Bucky's eyes are still closed.
"I think that's it," Loki says with a shrug. He tosses the staff back to Bruce, who flinches but still manages to catch it.
"That's it?" gasps Bucky.
"How do you feel?" asks Natasha, hoping down from her window perch.
"I don't know. Not different. I mean, I felt the—whatever that was, some energy or—but—"
"It's not going to take away your guilt," Loki says. "Or change who you are. But whatever turns you into the Winter Solider—they won't be able to break your mind again. At least not in the same way, so try not to get captured by Thanos."
Natasha glares at him.
"I just did your boyfriend a favor," Loki reminds her.
"Thank you," Bucky tells him.
"We can test it out," Natasha says.
"I think we can stop you," Loki tells him. Maybe. If he was able to evade Thanos, maybe not. But it's not as if they have to worry.
"Longing. Rusted. Seventeen. Dawn," Natasha says. Bucky cringes, as if expecting—but nothing happens. Natasha plows through the list, and he stays Bucky.
"Oh my God," Natasha says, her façade shattering. She throws her arms around Bucky, and he gasps, holding her.
"Good job," Bruce tells Loki, and he smiles.
Bucky clutches the back of Natasha's head as he kisses her without fear. They break apart and Natasha grabs Loki in a hug.
Norns. He's stiff. He doesn't know what to do.
"Thank you," she breathes.
You're a monster, she said to him that first time they met, when he told her all the secrets he'd uncovered on her, all her dark past, threw it at her knowing he'd hurt her and wanting to.
I'm not a monster to you anymore, Loki realizes. His eyes sting. Natasha and Bucky—they're both looking at him like they care about him, and like they know he cares about them. And he does. He does care.
"So hypothetically speaking," Wanda asks as she picks up a piece of bread. "If the Mind Gem was destroyed, would I lose my powers too?"
Loki frowns and takes a sip of wine. "Possibly. I'm not sure. I think it's unlikely, though."
Natasha bites into an apple. "So if Thanos gets control of Vision, could he control Wanda?"
"Probably not, but we don't know for sure," Loki says.
"Don't get caught," Wanda tells Vision. Bucky and Scott talk at the end of the table about some sort of plan. At least, Scott's drawing something on a napkin. A cloth napkin. Loki doesn't want to intervene. They're nice enough, the five of them, to let him eat with them. Maybe it's a thank you.
The other Avengers wouldn't eat with him, of course. Nor should they. Would he even eat with them?
He might. Loki glares down at his chalice.
Thor strides through the room and pauses, blinking as he takes in the sight of the six of them eating together. A small smile spreads over his face.
Stop, Loki thinks as he grabs some grapes.
"Everything okay?" Natasha asks.
"Presumably," Thor says, looking to Bucky for confirmation. Bucky nods.
"The Guardians may have returned," Thor announces. "Sif, the Warriors Three, and I will go to meet them."
"You don't need our help?" inquires Vision.
"No." Thor waves his hand. "Enjoy your dinner."
But Loki's stomach immediately sours. If the Guardians are back, that means they'll have to invade Thanos's realm soon enough. Fight him.
For the first time since he left to invade earth, he'll be back there.
Loki glances up at meets Bucky's gaze. He frowns as if he understands what Loki's thinking.
I don't want to face it. He doesn't want Thor to see the place where Loki allied with Thanos, desperation and ambition powering him on, doesn't want Thor to meet Thanos.
He wonders if Bucky felt that way when he took Steve to find the other, already-dead winter soldiers. Unlikely. Bucky seems like a much kinder person than Loki is. Less proud. Gamora might understand. Or maybe not, because she has the Guardians and they clearly love her even if none of them would ever use such a sappy word.
You always wanted a family, Loki thinks. And you found one. I'm still looking. Because as much as Thor will insist he stay, Loki knows that, should they survive this battle, he cannot stay by Thor's side.
There's no other way to live besides facing death and Thanos.
"Are you okay?" Wanda asks, peering at him. Like she acres. Like she'd be willing to accept him.
Not everyone would, but she knows. She knows Ultron and the biting acid of revenge, spurring you on until you realize you have no skin, no muscle, no strength left. Vision might not know, but he still looks at Loki life he's a life worth protecting, worth siding with.
He nods. He doubts they believe him.
When Thor, Siff, and the Warriors Three arrive with the Guardians in tow, Loki spots Nebula, with her bald head and mechanical blue limbs. He calls her name.
She scowls at him. "So you made it out, too."
He nods. "I'm glad you left him."
"And we're going back now." Nebula rolls her eyes. "At least it's to kill him. That's the only reason I'm here."
"She's worse than Drax when it comes to getting jokes," complains Rocket.
"Seriously," agrees Peter Parker.
"Tony's going to skewer you," Natasha warns.
Nebula was always bitter when Loki knew her. Getting away from Thanos apparently hasn't helped. But can Nebula ever really get away from him? Loki was only with Thanos for a year. He can't even comprehend the horrors Nebula and Gamora would have endured.
Gamora offers a small smile and a shrug.
I'd rather be like her, Loki realizes. He doesn't want to keep bleeding, stay alive but crippled with poison.
Fury ignites, boiling inside Loki's stomach. Thanos, you monster.
Is he more a monster than you?
He's choosing to be one. I choose not to be one anymore.
Brushing past Nebula, Loki taps Sif on the shoulder. "I'll do it," he blurts out, before he can retract it.
"Do what?" Sif asks.
"I'll use the casket."
