My name is Oliver Queen. For 5 years I was stranded on an island with only one goal-survive. Now I will fulfill my father's dying wish to use the list of names he left me to bring down those who are poisoning my city. To do this, I must become someone else. I must become something else.

It's a cooler day in Starling City and Oliver Queen just wants to enjoy it. The open road, his motorcycle, and maybe five minutes with the cute blonde at QC. He knows she's not the kind of girl to play hooky but maybe he can convince her to go to lunch with him. Their date is still up in the air and he just wants that connection. He wants to set that date and just enjoy himself for a few hours without his family or Diggle or his city demanding things from him.

"Hi."

"Thea?" Luckily she called him in a convenient location. He was just outside QC. He was not, however, in the mood for whatever it is she needed at that exact moment.

"Mom said I'm supposed to remind you to pick her up for lunch." He glances down at the motorcycle and back at QC.

"Was I supposed to have lunch with her?"

"Ollie! She said she left you five messages. Just bite the bullet and have a Cobb salad with the woman."

"I sometimes forget which of you is my mother Speedy."

"...well fine then I won't tell you where I made reservations. Good luck!"

She's gone before he can beg for the intel. He can get them in somewhere with a little cash but it will be obvious he forgot. Well it's already obvious he forgot. His bike won't accommodate his mother. Well...not his mother anyway. Anyone else would work.

The gunshots startle him and he's racing towards his mother. She's on the ground, barely moving when he reaches her. After assuring both himself and his mother she hasn't been hit, he takes off chasing the man on the motorcycle. He nearly catches him, racing down alleys and scaling fences but he loses him. Now he's blocks away and his mother is still sitting in front of QC with a dead man.


"Are you okay?" His mother looks small in the hospital bed. She's not her usual formidable self and Oliver can't help but worry. He's used to her being so strong and to see her like this…

"I'm fine," she replies. "Thea did you reach Walter?"

"No Mom. Sorry."

The doctor explains her concussion to Oliver and he grimaces. She got lucky but it could have been a lot worse. She could have been hit and there would have been nothing he could do. No matter how hard he tries, it is still his family that seems to be hurt.

"I shouldn't have left you. I thought you were fine." The guilt is heavy and he's not seeking comfort. He doesn't deserve any comfort when he left his mother lying in front of her business. He shouldn't even be here.

Thea catches him in the hallway. She's full of hellfire and he can see their mother in her. She's not going to let this go. She shouldn't.

"Maybe you should spend a little less time trying to be a hero and a little more time worrying about Mom."

"I was trying to get a license plate." She shakes her head at the lie. She looks up at him as though he's broken her heart again.

"I love you. Mom loves you. These lies...they hurt Ollie. Go home. I'll stay with Mom." She clicks the door shut to their Mom's hospital room. She doesn't slam it or give any indication of anger. She just clicks it shut and the disappointment and guilt rains down on him.

"Is your Mom okay?" She's there, walking towards him. Her hand touches his arm and he looks at her. She's dressed for work and her hair is frazzled. Her glasses are askew and she fixes them absently, sliding them up her nose. "I was headed for my lunch break when I heard."

"She's fine. She wasn't hit."

"Good. So she'll go home soon?"

"Yeah...we're across town. You spent your lunch hour coming to see me." She would spend the second half of her break just getting back to the office, assuming there was no traffic. She'd be late because the streets in front of QC would be blocked by police. Even so, she came anyway.

"It's okay. I'll grab a sandwich on my way back. I wanted to make sure you were okay."

"She almost wasn't."

"Your Mom is strong Oliver. She'll be fine."

"She almost wasn't."

"You need to let go of all that guilt and just be thankful. You are all okay."

"Thank you for coming Felicity." She smiles at him and nods her head knowing what she said has not made an impact. "You always seem to show up when I need someone."

"I'm just amazing like that."


He's been training for two hours when Diggle finally comes in. He can't stop the motions. It's the only way to stop his head from throbbing. His mother is probably home now and he can't bring himself to see her. He can't look at her and know he's failed her again.

"Oliver your mom was nearly killed. You should be at home."

"She wasn't the target." He stops and moves to the computer bringing up the picture of Paul Copani. "He was trying to close a deal between Frank Bertinelli and her."

"The mob boss?" Diggle slides behind him looking at the newspaper clippings.

"Copani isn't the first member of Bertinelli's crew who's been hit. I figure the best way to find out who's trying to put a stop to Bertinelli's operation is to get inside of it."

"Wait. So your mother is shot at, nearly killed and the way you process this emotionally is by going undercover with the mob?"

He's tugging a shirt on while Diggle goes on and on about his lack of emotional processing. He should go home and be with his family. He should deal with his feelings. He can't deal with his feelings. He doesn't know how. He has to have the mission because without it he won't keep moving forward.

"I tried to be there with Thea today and she told me I was lying to her and I am. I couldn't tell her I left our mother alone and bleeding out on the pavement because I'm fast enough to almost run down her attacker. All I can do is protect my family."

He doesn't stay to listen to Diggle try and reason with him. It won't change his mind. Bertinelli is on the list. That's enough for him.


He manages to dodge Thea at the house. He doesn't have time to play nursemaid when his skills would be far more useful targeting Bertinelli. Bertinelli was on his long-range plan concerning the list but the others would wait.

"Hey is your Mom okay?" Tommy catches him on the driveway. Oliver doesn't have time for this but stops anyway. He hasn't spent much time with Tommy recently and he knows Tommy means well. He wants his best friend back. He wants Oliver Queen from before the island back. He doesn't have the heart to tell Tommy that Oliver died when the Gambit went down.

"She's resting. She's more shaken up than anything. I have to go but I appreciate you stopping by."

"Yeah." Things are awkward but Oliver doesn't have time to fix it. "Look Oliver I don't want you to find this out somewhere else because...it's Laurel. We're going on a date."

"That's great Tommy. Laurel deserves someone special and so do you."

"Thanks man. I just...I know you two haven't really worked out your issues yet."

"It's over Tommy. We might not have talked but it's over. It has been for a long time. I have to go."

"Right. Yeah."

"Oh and Tommy. If you hurt her I'll snap your neck." He doesn't clarify the statement. Tommy will take it as a joke but Oliver's not sure. He's not in love with Laurel anymore but she's still important to him. He doesn't want her hurt. Tommy's a good friend but he's lousy with women or at least he has been.


The Bertinelli household has a strange vibe to it. Oliver can't quite put his finger on it but he knows something is wrong. For a household filled with men, there is a silence that is off-putting. It's not grief, not exactly. It's almost like the household just stopped moving forward, frozen in time. It's strange and Oliver can't shake the feeling there is something larger going on.

Introductions are stilted and Oliver doesn't care for the look of Nick Salvati. This is the man who does the dirty work. He's the man to watch. It's entirely possible Salvati is the one who pulled the trigger outside of QC.

Drinks are a necessity that he detests. He can play the game of the semi-shifty businessman. It's all about confidence but he has no taste for it. It's underhanded lying. It's not lying to protect. It's just lying to make things look nice.

"So why did you come back to Starling? After that island you could have gone anywhere."

"Starling City is my home." Oliver answers truthfully. "At first it was to see my family and friends and then I just couldn't bring myself to leave. This is my home."

"No matter which way you go or turn, you always end up at home." Helena Bertinelli is someone Oliver knows he could be attracted to. She's damaged in some way, beautiful in others, and interested in him. He doesn't know why other than his bank account and she certainly doesn't need that. Regardless she's standing there, watching him like a cat watches a mouse.

Oliver watches the argument between Frank and Helena, knowing Helena is expected to step up and take him to dinner. It's the way things are done. Him or Thea would be expected if Moira was not up to it. Another reason he detests this part of the life.

"Oliver I'm sorry but something has come up. Helena would love to take you to dinner and discuss the deal."

"I really wanted to handle this through you."

"Well Oliver, as you speak for your family, my daughter speaks for mine."

That's how Oliver found himself sitting across the table from Helena Bertinelli and eating bread versus the heavy meal he had been brought. His request for fruit had been mostly ignored since it was asked when Helena went to freshen up. The wine was their best but not to his liking. He sipped the glass of ice water and thought about how best to proceed.

"So why would you go to business with my father? You know who he is and how he made his money," Helena asks upon her return.

"You don't approve of your family's enterprises?"

"We share a name and that name defines us whether we want it to or not. You've made judgements about me, just like I've made judgements about you."

"Of course."

"Look," she starts hesitantly. "I know it must have been hell for you, alone on that island for 5 years but was there ever a day when you were just happy to be away from everything? No pressure from your family, no need to be the person everyone else expects you to be?"

"More than one. Those are the days I miss. Now I look for moments."

"Moments?"

"Moments where it slips away and I can be me or relax or just...let it all go. I only get a few of those."

"She's lucky," Helena replies knowingly.

"Who?"

"The girl who put that look on your face. My fiance used to look like that when he looked at me." That is a statement Oliver cannot really handle right now. He might be developing feelings for Felicity but he knows it is way too soon for anything serious. He has not even taken her on a date yet and already he's falling in love with her. That is something to consider later.

"I didn't know you were engaged." She waves the empty hand towards him and looks out the window, sighing.

"He died."

"I'm sorry."

Their attention turns to food or lack thereof as he picks at the things on his plate he can eat. Some of it is just preference. After so long, some food has lost it's appeal to him. Other food is too heavy for him. The doctor has told him to reintroduce food slowly but he hasn't bothered yet. His island diet works for him mostly.

"So what did you miss the most while you were away?"

"I usually say air conditioning or radio or something like that because that is what people expect."

"It's not true though?"

"No. I missed small things, unimportant things before that now seem the most important."

"And you can't be truthful to your family?"

"They would not understand."

"You went through a crucible and it changed you. How could it not?"

"Your fiance?"

"My crucible." She nods and looks away. "When you go through a crucible no one understands you anymore. They look at you differently. They expect you to just pick up and move on with your life and you can't. It's like…"

"You're drowning."

"Yeah."

The meal ends soon after. Helena and him part ways as he heads for his car, listening as Diggle explains Bertinelli's moves. Salvati is arriving at the restaurant. Thankfully Oliver packed his suit and weapons. He's through the window before anyone innocent can get hurt.

Helena is the woman killing Bertinelli's men. He's shocked when he sees her run away. He should follow. He should stop her. He should make her stop hurting people but he can't. She's like him. She's just like him.


Oliver and Diggle are fighting. He knows Diggle is probably right but he can't put an arrow in Helena. She's wrestling with darkness just like him and she doesn't have the support she needs. She can't find it with her family or friends. She has no one and maybe he can help her. He has to at least try to help her.

The weirdest part of the day comes when Detective Lance shows up. He warns Oliver away from Helena, seemingly to protect him. It's off-putting and Oliver knows he's gaping at him. This is not Detective Lance's M.O. This is Laurel's. For a moment he wonders if Quentin Lance ever respected him or whether he feels he owes a debt of some sort. He doesn't. Sara is dead because of Oliver and he can never repay that debt.

Oliver finds Helena at a cemetery hours later. She's been crying. She's touching the stone in reverence. He recognizes the touch. It's a touch begging to be touched back. One more day, hour, minute, second with that person. He's had those moments himself. There is so much loss in Starling City.

"How did you find me here?"

"I followed you from your house. You said that losing him was your own crucible and that it changed you. You didn't say how."

"When you love someone as much as I loved him, with all of your heart, you can't just turn that emotion off when they're taken from you. You still feel just as deeply. And if it can't be love then it becomes hate."

He barely gets to respond before the two are being abducted by Salvati and his men. He's surprised he's taken at all. Surely he will be missed. He wants to be with Helena because he knows this is going to end badly. The mob does not abduct the leader's daughter. They politely, yet forcefully ask for compliance.

The fact they zip-tie their hands speaks volumes. Helena and him are unlikely to walk out of here alive if they play along for too long. Helena takes the hit from Salvati and Oliver winces. Helena is quick to spill the beans, outing herself as the inside man in Bertinelli's business. He sees it the moment Salvati confesses to killing her fiance. There is no pulling Helena back from this fight. Salvati will die in this warehouse.

Afterwards Oliver doesn't know what to do with himself. He needs to help her. He needs to show her there is another way. She got her revenge but she'll still feel empty inside. Revenge isn't justice but he knows he needs to try. Helena is standing on a cliff and without help she won't make it. He can't let her blood be on his hands whether it is her own or the people she will hurt.


"Walter's home." Oliver turns to Thea and watches her hesitantly. He's never quite sure when she's going get angry at him and he feels the need to tip-toe past her.

"Look I'm sorry if I was a bitch earlier." She finally offers.

"There were a few times. Could you be more specific?"

"Don't push it."

"At the hospital you were a little bit bitchy but...I forgive you."

"We're worried about you Ollie. You seem lonely and I know you have secrets. You definitely have secrets. It's fine if you can't tell me or Mom but you need to tell someone. You need to let someone in before there's no one left to let in."

"Speedy…?" She doesn't stick around. She walks right past him as if the conversation never happened. He knows she's right. Deep down he knows he's still treading water. One of these days he'll do something so terrible they won't forgive him. One of these days an apology won't be enough.


"I'd ask how you got in here but the Starling city vigilante comes and goes as he pleases, doesn't he?

Helena's just out of the shower but there's something different about her. It's in her eyes. He knows that look better than almost anyone. When you get revenge you expect to feel something but you don't. They're still gone.

"How'd you know?"

"Your eyes and your fighting style. That island changed you in ways that only someone like me could understand."

"No. What you are doing feels like justice, but it's not. It's just revenge."

"Revenge can be justice."

"No."

"Isn't the man in the hood fighting to set things right? Why is your vendetta more valid than mine? We're the same!"

"No we're not."

"Hiding in plain sight, concealing our anger with smiles and lies. Don't lie to me Oliver. You're filled with hate and lies and anger. It's all you know."

"Why are you crying?"

"I don't know. All I know is I'm not alone anymore. You're here in this hate with me."

She kisses him and he freezes. He's been alone so long he's not even sure what it means anymore. It feels good to just be accepted, to not have to hide or lie. It feels good to give into the anger and pain. But then he's pushing her away.

"No." She's staring at him, her eyes blazing in emotion. "No Helena."

He leaves the way he came, not knowing if the city is safe from her. He can't be the city's everything. He can't...he can't shoulder that weight too. He's carrying so much and the darkness is right there tugging at him, begging him to let go again. Be the man he could be. Be the killer he has been and could be again. He needs somewhere with no anger and no hate. He needs a soft touch, a momentary reprieve from the demands of his life.


"Hi."

"Oliver?" She doesn't do anything other than open the door and let him in. He looks shattered to her and she just leads him to the couch and gets him seated. "Oliver what happened?"

He doesn't speak. He just sits there staring forward. The breeze is pouring in through the window and she just waits for him to tell her what is wrong. He usually smiles with her but tonight he looks...he seems broken and unsure. Lost...that is the word.

"I...I met someone who understands what it was like to be on that island for five years. I didn't know there was someone who could understand like that."

"Why are you so upset?" she reaches out and touches his shoulder, her fingers rubbing against his neck. He closes his eyes and breathes at the soft touch. "I'm sorry. I don't know why I did that."

"Don't stop," he whispers. He tugs her hand back to his shoulder, pressing her warm fingers to his pulse. He is cool to the touch, his skin slick with sweat.

"Okay," she whispers. The news is on low on her TV and she simply watches it waiting for him to speak. Long minutes pass as she touches him, stroking his neck softly, waiting for him to tell her what has him so upset.

"She told me I'm full of anger and hate." She turns to face him as he starts. His words are quiet and she reaches out to mute the TV. He won't look at her yet, still thinking about the person who has cast him in such a negative light.

"I don't believe that," she replies. Her finger nudges his ear and he tilts towards the touch. His hand falls on her knee and she ignores the heat from his palm. She also ignores the weirdness of Oliver Queen sitting on her couch while she wears pjs with nesting dolls on them. The past few months have been incredibly strange.

"I lost myself on that island Felicity. For five years I lost myself and I don't want to lose myself again."

"So don't. She sounds like she's going through something horrible and she's still lost. You aren't full of hate and anger. Anyone who spends time with you can see that."

"I am Felicity. I just...sometimes I can't think straight because of it. The things my father did, the pain I suffered on the island…"

"You're scared. It's okay to be scared."

"I can't be scared Felicity. Everyone's looking to me to be better, to be fixed."

"That's their problem. You worry about you. Don't worry about them. I know who you are Oliver Queen. Maybe I don't know the details or the little stuff but you...I know who you are. You're not full of hate. If anything you're full of love. Love for your family, your friends, your home. You only worry about them and no one should make you feel bad for taking five minutes to worry about yourself."

She's looking at him, full of concern. Her hand is in his lap and he's holding it like a lifeline. She's not looking at him like anyone else does. Thea and his mom are filled with disappointment and expectations. Laurel is full of anger. Tommy is full of naivety. Helena is full of hate. Felicity...she's full of something else.

"Oliver? Why are you looking at me like that? Do I have something on my face? I knew it. Is it rice? I knew I shouldn't have had Chinese this late but the shrimp…"

He's kissing her before she can finish her sentence. He's surrounding her and for a second she almost pushes him away. He's so warm, so alive and she doesn't think she's ever held someone like this. He's like lightning and she wonders if she'll be burned or brought to life.

He's an impenetrable wall against her and she stumbles back against the armrest. He follows her like he's always been there, like they do this everyday. Her legs are over his and she doesn't know how that happened. His hand is on her neck, her pulse thundering in her veins. He's making a soft sound, a groan against her lips and her eyes shoot open. His are watching hers looking for something. Whatever it is he's looking for, he finds it and his arm bands around her waist, anchoring her to him, eyes drifting shut.

She doesn't know how long they stay like that. She doesn't know how long he's been kissing her but she knows she doesn't want him to stop. It's one of the hottest and most chaste moments of her life. His hands don't roam at all and she's not sure whether to be insulted or overjoyed. He's reverent, holding her neck and cradling her head against the armrest. Her hands have somehow ended up underneath his jacket but she can't feel his skin. It's like she can because his body is so hot suddenly she wonders if he's feverish.

He can kiss and why that surprises her, she doesn't know. All she knows is this is the single hottest moment of her life. She freezes for a second when he adjusts his position, her legs bracketing his hips. He's just far enough away she can't feel him but she knows he's interested. She just knows in her soul he would take her to her bed if she gave him permission.

"Ol..iver.." she breathes, moving her head away from his lips. He's insistent and presses kisses to her cheek, her neck. Just as quickly he pulls back sensing her indecision. He's practically the poster example of "no means no". He sits back, arranging her body so he's not pressed against her. The only touch is their linked hands.

"I...can I…?" He's affected and he's trying not to be. His voice is ragged and his breath is coming at short bursts. She can relate. She feels floaty and it's weird and amazing all at once.

"Stay? On the couch," she breathes. "Or you can have the bed. I have an early morning meeting tomorrow and I can't...can't get all combusted."

"I'm combusting you?" he murmurs, stealing another kiss. She lets him tug her against him and she smiles. "Just a few more minutes.."

"Oliver…" he knows she'll go to her bed at some point but for now she's in his arms and he can feel a hand tugging him out of the rushing waters. It's different than what Helena wants. He doesn't want to drown in anger and hate. He wants to live.


You didn't actually think I'd let Helena/Oliver sleep together did you? No way. Oliver is firmly in the "Felicity Smoak" camp in this fic. He's all about the blonde IT girl who always knows just what to say or not to say. I'm cautiously awaiting my first Olicity fight (not plotted but it will happen eventually).

I know this chapter is a little bit shorter but there is only so much I can do with Helena. She takes up a lot of screen time in 107 and 108. Next chapter has the date in it between Oliver/Felicity and the awkward double with Tommy/Laurel. That should flesh things out a bit. For those thinking ahead I have stuff planned for 114 (the flashback heavy episode).

Thanks for reading!