Nepeta swallows hard as she walked into her astronomy class. Her eyes dart over to the seat which Karkat had been assigned. It was empty. A sigh of relief forms in the bottom of her chest, intermingling with disappointment and a touch of nervousness. She knew he was here, so that meant he was going to walk in after her or else he'll be late.
She slid into her seat and pulled out a spare sketchbook, one that's different from her normal one. Nepeta intended to draw things for her blog, but all of her friends insisted that they look through her artwork, so she couldn't put them in her regular one. It had taken her a bit of extra time this morning to dig out the old drawing book from the disaster known as her room, but it was going to serve its purpose finally after being ignored for so long.
Currently she works on an icon, so that way one of dumb customary pictures tumblr provided wouldn't always just be sitting there representing her blog. Nepeta had decided to keep to a theme, and that was making it club related; therefore a badge it was. Later she'd see about scanning it and using Sai to clean it up.
The bell rang and she glanced up with her eyes only to watch Karkat stroll in with a scowl on his face. He wore a dark grey shirt with an aviators jacket today. He fell into his seat and let his backpack hit the floor with a heavy thump. Quickly she returns her focus to her sketchbook. Instead her eyes wandered all on their own to scrutinize her outfit.
Was it childish today too? In her time of sleeplessness she had spent raiding her dresser for something that would make her look less like a kid. The end result had been a lot of frustration and a fuck it all attitude. She picked and olive green shirt that was light and airy, with an intricate, darker color winding over the front; she had also chosen khaki capris and matching sandals. It was hard to abandon her cat hats, especially since she had a cute white one that would have gone well with this outfit, but she suspected that was one of the things making her look childish. Now she had to deal with her bright orange hair sticking out like a sore thumb and it made her uncomfortable. However the moment she had tried to leave the tail out of the equation she panicked. For whatever reason she had grown to think of it as a lifeline over the years, and without a lifeline people drown.
Quietly Nepeta draws the outline of the badge while the teacher got down to business at the front of the classroom. She draws another ring inside of the first circle and stops.
I shouldn't make this too complex, but what can I draw that defines a lonely heart member?
Absently she doodles different designs around the badge until a particular one caught her eyes. The heart, for that is what she had drawn, was split in half. One side whole, while the other only had a thin outline and was open ended.
You give away half of your heart when you love someone you know won't love you back, and it leaves this aching chasm within you, she thinks glumly. The design was perfect for her badge, so carefully she draws it bigger within the circle and begins to plot out a color scheme. Magenta for the inner circle-perhaps a bit closer to purple almost, and a more fuschia-pink combo for the heart and outer ring. Nepeta jotted these notes down on the corner of the paper and quickly shut her sketchbook when she heard the teacher telling them to partner up.
Shoot, why are we doing this? Nepeta internally berates herself for not keeping track of what the teacher had been saying. She glances around briefly before returning to stare at her desk. The only one she knew in this class was Karkat, and though she had worked with him on projects, that was before she realized she had feelings for him. Now she wasn't sure how much he actually liked working with her, this being due to her over analyzing the last time she had asked him to work with her and he had said no.
The people around her jumped from their seats to join their friends. She felt self-conscious of the fact that she wasn't moving to join someone. Without intending to her heart began to jump and ache.
Someone sat down heavily next to her, and she chanced a glance.
"We're working together today," Karkat says gruffly, looking a little uncomfortable, but at least it is at her. For a moment she forgot the simple concept of breathing and openly stares at him. Snapping out of it as quickly as it came she nodded her head and grinned at him as normally as she could.
"Okay," She shoved the sketchbook into her messenger bag and turned in her seat so she's faced him, trying to relax herself as much as possible. A stack of papers is passed around and she grabbed two, studying them quickly to get the gist of what they're supposed to be doing. She restrains an even bigger grin as she realizes this project is meant to take a couple of days. It's a research project on the zodiac; they were going to look up the beliefs surrounding them and the characteristics that defined each constellation. It's a topic that actually interested her, though not many people knew it. And she was going to be working with Karkitty!
No. Karkat, she chides. I can't refer to him with silly nicknames or he really will think I'm childish.
She handed him one of the papers and continued to study the instructions on her own.
Karkat cleared his throat to get her attention. She looked away from the paper and back at him. He rubbed the back of his neck, staring at her with a slight apologetic expression.
"Look, I'm sorry about what happened on Saturday. We should have kicked Eridan's ass to the curb or something," He blew out a long breath and shrugged. Nepeta was about to respond by saying he didn't have to be apologizing, since he did nothing wrong, but then she remembered the thing he had inadvertently agreed with.
He's apologizing for the wrong thing, that nagging little voice whispered like a ghost in the back of her mind. Ignoring it she shook her head and forced a smile. "It's fine."
Karkat squinted at her, a look of disbelief filling his gorgeous eyes. Her heart stutters briefly before carrying on at its already fast pace. Could he have seen right through her?
He can.
No, he looked away and at the assignment.
He knows.
He's not suspicious, he started talking about how we're going to split up the work.
He's judging you. You'll never reach up to his expectations.
Nepeta smiles and nods in agreement to the things Karkat said, trying to shush her inner conflict. After they sorted it out he got up to get them laptops from the cart at the front of the room. She watched as he left, saw the way his hands formed loose fists, occasionally twitching tighter. She picked out the way his hair stuck up in the back; how some of it curled down his neck and contrasted against his skin with the beautiful light and dark combo.
A tiny sigh escaped her and she rested her chin in the gentle cup of her hand.
You'll never have him.
I know.
lonely-hearts-club
It's in the Stars
With the rest of this weekend out of my way and the school day done for I can officially call it a quits. It's been a mixture of good and bad. Good because 1.) CC apologized to me for the weekend incident and 2.) We're working on a project together for class!
We're researching things about the zodiac and it's really fun. CC is a Cancrian and I'm a Leo. Secretly I may or may not have looked up compatibility things, but can you really blame me? I got too many mixed results though just because of so many people's opinions. Although it seems that a lot of them are against the Cancer/Leo combo. Hmmph, shows what they know about pairings am I right? No but really that is just a little disheartening ya know? And I suppose this leads into the bad part of this shebang.
So...it's good that CC apologized but... I don't know maybe I really shouldn't let this be getting to me... He apologized more for what FB did over what he himself had said. I don't think he even realizes that I had heard him, or that his comment actually did kind of hurt me, but it still kinda gets me down ya know?
But at least he even had the thought to apologize, so that's good, right?
Which brings me to the near meltdown during lunch. Mermaid made FB apologize to me, but when she wasn't looking he pulled my tail again so that it came off and he wouldn't give it back. That's when I had had enough and I bit him. He turned into a little baby and went and tattled on me to the teacher. If anyone's being childish in anyway it's him. I wanted to claw that smug look right off his stupid face! When the teacher was done lecturing me he gave back my tail but I had to leave before I lost my cool again.
Another thing that bothers me was that Centaurian wasn't there during lunch, and CB was the one who had to tell me that he and RG went out to eat. I double checked ot make sure that he hadn't messaged me this himself, but there wasn't anything from him in my texts that was recent. I don't mind if he goes out with RG, I'd be happy for my best friend if he could, but it's just not like him to forget to message me something like that. He's usually always got my when I need him and vice versa for me, but lately...he's just been drifting away from me it seems.
Or maybe I'm the one who's drifting further away from him. Could he be doing it because he thinks I don't need him so much? Oh god I sound so controlling when I put it like that, I'm sorry.
I think I'm just going to shut up before I start taking the 'deeper meanings' route any longer.
Until the next feelings jam,
-KitKat
Nepeta sat at her laptop putting the finishing touches on her icon when she received the message on tumblr.
Anonymous asked:
u should check ur privileges no one has to tell u anything if theyre going out w/ someone they like uwu
Immediately a panic button was hit in the back of her head. She didn't mean to come off as controlling, that wasn't even her intention! It's just that Eq would have told her about something important like asking Aradia out to lunch and it kind of hurt that he hadn't. Not only that but if he had been there at lunch he could have helped put Eridan in his place, especially since he hadn't been there last time and-
But you wouldn't understand that would you? she silently questioned the anonymous person.
Nepeta clutched her head between her hands, tears fighting against her will to pool out and escape down her face and onto her bed where they could stain and remind her of what a terrible person she was. It had gone from a relatively neutral evening to chaos all just because of a few words that caused her to overthink. She felt equal parts of frustration and panic welling inside of her head and chest like a cyclone trapped in a balloon. It scrambled everything and she wanted more than anything for it to just go away.
You started pulling away first so he thought it would be okay as well. Shut up and deal with it.
But Equius always wants my input on things like this. He told me himself he didn't know what he'd do if I couldn't help him. I-
Maybe he wants to try thinking on his own for once, have you ever thought about that? Or have you only been too consumed by your own pathetic selfishness to realize that he isn't going to need you for everything like you so obviously do. Even though you've been the one pulling away all along. Geez it's no wonder Karkat thinks you're childish.
It was just my clothes... Unless he thinks now I'm incapable of handling a situation maturely?
She flashed briefly back to the moment she had bit Eridan. Had Karkat seen that?
What a hypocrite you turned out to be. Through and through. Yep, this is the legacy of Nepeta Leijon. She can't get a grip for anything and it's causing her to lose it all.
She bit her bottom lip and squeezed her eyes shut. A few tears slid out and hit her pant leg. She really is just a child if she's letting a few words by known and unknown people affect her like this.
I'm horrible.
You're horrible.
Her phone began to ring with a tune that she had at first found cute, but now she couldn't help but resent it. Stupid Nyan Cat. So damn childish. Swallowing hard and unclamping her hands from her head she reached behind her for the phone. Rubbing her eyes with her hand she stared bleary eyed at the message.
Sweatquius
Nepeta, I had heard about what Ampora did at lunch and I apologize for not being there to help again.
She noted, with a glum drop of her heart, that yet again there was something wrong with the apology she had received. It seems that she'll only be getting either half of it or the wrong thing today. She's about to send him a response saying he didn't have to apologize when another message from him came in again.
And I'm also sorry for not notifying you about my plans for lunch. I had meant to tell you yesterday but it had slipped my mind, and today had been quite nerve wracking because of it.
Nepeta felt the guilt worm its way uncomfortably through her chest. She shoved the terrible feelings from just a few seconds ago down into some crevice she wished they'd never resurface from again and responded to Equius.
It's fine. How did your outing go?
She had a splendid time, as did I.
That's gurreat Equius! :33
She smiled sadly at her phone before setting it off to the side and returning to the task on the computer. Trying to not look at the message Nepeta deleted it and returned back to finishing her icon.
lonely-hearts-club
New Icon
So in to commemorate the opening of this club I present to you this icon. You can theorize it however you want, find the deeper meaning, analyze it, whatever. But to me the piece that's missing represents the part of ourselves we give away in the name of love and never get back. And it leaves us struggling with what we have left even though it's never enough.
So cheers, lonely hearts.
-KitKat
dave-of-guy asked:
sorry that today was sucky, but at least you're making headway with CC right? tbh i wonder what this FB has out for you because his bullying is unreasonable. btw, does your blog happened to be named after a song?
lonely-hearts-club:
I do suppose that the fact that he thought to apologize anyways reall does mean that I must hold some kind of value in his mind, right? And that he came to me for working together holds some significant meaning too... But I really shouldn't be trying to find some hope in the area dealing with CC. I know it's never going to work out for me.
In regards to FB I have no fucking clue why he bullies me. He's just been increasingly rude since CB + Mermaid got together so my best guess is that he's venting his frustration in the most inconvenient way possible.
And wow you noticed! I was wondering if I should put something in the summary about it, but yeah the Lonely Hearts Club is actually a song and it's by Marina and the Diamonds. It's actually a really good song and it's fairly...relatable.
-KitKat
Karkitty
Hey Cat Girl, do you think you could maybe draw or paint or whatever the fuck some pictures of the zodiac?
It's just an idea I had that *MIGHT* make our presentation seem *COOLER*.
Sorry I just thought that since you were an *ARTSY* person that it'd just be, gah how do I put this, impressive? I mean I've seen your artwork and you do work some sort of fucking magic or whatever so yeah...
You know what just forget it, it's a stupid idea.
Nepeta stared in shock at her phone. She had completely forgotten that she had traded phone numbers with Karkat just before class had let out! Now that she can see this refreshing evidence as clear as day she can't help but grow warm with fuzzy feelings. A grin cracked and spread over her face as she read his message over and over again. He liked her art?! And he wanted her to draw stuff for their project? Please tell her she isn't dreaming!
She pinched her flushed cheek and winced. Still definitely in reality. A breathy giggle escapes her.
Another message pops in from Karkat and she realized she had been taking a very long time to respond.
You don't have to do it if you don't want to. Like I said just forget it, sorry for bothering you.
Oh no I'd be very happy to do it! It's a gurreat idea, which zodiac members do you want me to draw?
She hits her face with the heel of her hand after she sent the message. "A cat pun? Really?"
Oh uh...whichever ones you *WANT* to do I guess? I mean you really don't have to I was just spit balling ideas like a loser who can't go the fuck to sleep.
So Karkat couldn't sleep either?
Hehe it's okay. I don't mind doing it. It's not like I plan on going to sleep anytime soon so I can get started on it right now. :33
Again with the stupid cat quirks? She ground her teeth in agitation. What is she, a little kid?
Really?
Okay then. I guess have at it.
She had to bite down on her knuckles to keep herself from squealing. So today had a lot of down's, but at least the universe had seen fit to provide her with a few up's as well. Definitely too excited for sleep, she started out on the new project that Karkat had entrusted to her.
So, to the reviewer erisam, yes you may join this club. Anyone that has a lonely heart and be a member of the Lonely Hearts Club.
To mangleandfoxyproductions, in canon Karkat did know that Nepeta had a thing for him. In this story though Nepeta's under the impression that he doesn't know though. I'm just not sure yet if I'm going to make it that Karkat actually does know or not.
Disclaimer: I don't own Homestuck, just my feelings.
