"You can talk with someone for years, everyday, and still, it won't mean as much as what you can have when you sit in front of someone, not saying a word, yet you feel that person with your heart, you feel like you have known the person for forever... connections are made with the heart, not the tongue."
-C. JoyBell C.
Some days, Bucky didn't know how to consider himself. Was he helpful and kind, blending into society nicely? Or did he stick out? Was he abrasive and distant? He didn't know what to make of himself with the two conflicting sides of his personality always at war with each other.
Clara brought about some peace to his mind through her presence. She talked to him first and she was the once constantly asking him questions and activity chatted to him. It felt surreal after the amount of time he'd spent on his own once he escaped Washington DC. In a way, he almost felt as though he owed her.
And his repayment was saving her from the HYDRA agents. The absolute panic he'd felt when he'd heard the gunshots and scream were still fresh on his mind as he heard Clara shift in her fitful sleep.
It was ironic that HYDRA's training had backfired on them; he knew how to make the agent's deaths look like an accident, he knew how to bandage up Clara and he knew how to get away while blending in. Even with an injured Clara he practically had to drag along before he got to his apartment. Thankfully, there was no damage to her nerves and arteriesーthere might have been some damaged bones, but he couldn't tell for sureーhe just had to cover up the wound by any means. At first, that had meant covering her shoulder with his jacket, and later on, the small amount of medical supplies he had for the 'just in case' scenarios.
Thankfully, Clara wasn't in a critical condition as long as the wound was kept clean. However, she probably wouldn't be able to do any physical activity for a while. He didn't know for how long, though, as he wasn't any sort of medical specialist.
When Clara had woken up and asked him about HYDRA, he temporarily had panic shoot through him. He'd simply written them off as crazy and she believed it. She even came to the conclusion that he was a veteran (which technically wasn't wrong). How long would it be before she figured out there was more to the situation? Or maybe she wouldn't think too hard on it and never come to the conclusion that it was all linked to him, regretfully. He was right in the first place; he should've never gotten close to her.
But now it was too late to back away, there'd be no point to it. They already knew about him and Clara.
Clara started babbling on about some books she wanted to read now that she had the time and Bucky nodded along to her rambling while thinking of ways to eliminate the HYDRA cell on his trail. He'd already taken a look on their persons, and they had no clues that would allow him to track them down. Hopefully, they were the only agents in the area, however unlikely.
"James?" Clara asked loudly.
"Huh?"
"You were zoning out again. It looked like you saw Casper the ghost," she laughed.
"Who?" He asked, not understanding.
"Casper the ghost?" She repeated, then saw his confused expression. "Okay, never mind. Anyways, I wanted to ask if you could go get my phone or something from my room. I won't have to stay lying down like this for very long, will I?"
"I'm not a medical expert, but I think you should keep your arm still for a day. Just to be safe, and yeah, I'll go get your phone. Where did you leave it?"
Clara began to laugh a little, before forcing herself to stop so that her shoulder wouldn't be hurt. Bucky noticed she was one of those people who laughed with their whole body.
"I have no idea where I left my phone, and the place is an absolute mess. You might have to dig around a bit, sorry. Also, did you get my bag?"
Bucky nodded, picking up her bag that he'd left behind the counter. "This the one?"
"Yep," she nodded. "My key is in the tiny front pocket, and you know what my room number is, right?"
"Yeah," he answered, digging in the front pocket. There were some hair elastics and cards mixed in with the key chain.
"This the one?" He held up the key chain for her to see. She gave a sharp nod as an answer.
"Man, getting shot by a gun sucks ass," Clara said as he was leaving.
"Guess you better try harder to not get shot next time," Bucky taunted.
"Guess you better get a phone next time," she retorted.
At least this time he knew she was joking, and snickered at her comment before closing the door behind himself.
Clara wasn't joking when she said that her apartment was a mess. There were books and unwashed dishes scattered across her desk while blankets and sweaters littered her small couch. There was also unwashed dishes on the counters as well as a ton of paperwork. Her apartment seemed to lack a personal touch, aside from the mess it was. Photos of family members and paintings were absent, and there wasn't a whole lot of decorations.
At least her room didn't have peeling wallpaper and had actual shelves.
He didn't know where to start looking for her phone, as it wasn't out in the open. Bucky started with her desk, thinking it was buried under paper or something, but it was absent from there too. Not knowing where she'd put it down, he did the least intrusive search possible to find the damn thing. He didn't even know what it looked like. Was it silver? Was it old or new? He probably would be able to tell what kind it was if Clara told him anyways.
And of course, in the last place he looked, he'd find the damn thing. It was half buried underneath her pillow on her bed, glinting dimly in the minimal light her lamp provided.
Bucky went to pick it up, but something on her side table caught his eye. It was a letter, that much was clear from the way it was folded. However, it had a drawing on it that was quite beautiful. The flower drawn on it covered most of the letter that wasn't text, and Bucky justified reading it to make sure that Clara wasn't anyone suspicious, though most of that doubt had gone away the second HYDRA had shot her in the shoulder.
I know you haven't heard from me in a long time, but I want to let you know that I still think about you everyday and I hope you're okay without me. It's painful to be away from everyone, but you most of all. I know how close we were, and I hope that I'll get to see you again one day. Maybe everything will be cleared up by then,
Andris
Bucky placed the letter down in its original spot and tried to understand its contents. It seemed to be the type of letter that wasn't understandable unless you were either the person writing it or the person receiving it. Maybe Clara had a boyfriend somewhere that had moved away. But then again, he didn't see any postage or an address on it. He had no idea what it meant and felt bad for even reading it.
Clara would also be wondering where he went.
James seemed to be taking his sweet time in her apartment, Clara thought. She knew her place was a mess, but how hard was it to find one phone? It was probably out in the open and was big enough to find easily.
She still couldn't get her head around being shot, however. That was not some every day occurrence if an occurrence in a person's life at all. That, and there was the fact that she actually trusted James to go in her apartment. She wasn't sure if he was actually who he said he was, even if the description of veteran did fit him.
Finally, the door squeaked open and in walked James. He had her phone on hand as well as a book and her keys.
"Took you long enough," Clara remarked.
"Hey, just be grateful I got you your stuff in the first place. And you were right, your place is a mess," he told her, setting her stuff down on the bed beside her.
"Okay, okay, thank you for saving me, really. And thanks for getting my phone and a book. Glad you were actually listening."
"I'm not really that rude, am I?" He asked, looking confused.
Clara hesitated. Normally people would say that as a joke, but he seemed completely serious. It was odd, considering they were joking a few minutes ago.
"Why would you say that?" Clara said, somewhat worried.
"Never mind, forget I said that," he feigned a smile, but Clara could tell he meant it. She let it go.
"Okay, well I'm going to have to try and use my phone with one, non-dominant hand. This is going to be fun," Clara said sarcastically, changing the topic for him.
He didn't seem to understand what she was talking about and went back to whatever he was doing with the encyclopedia.
Clara, on the other hand, had a good idea. She was going to look up anything she could about the Winter Soldier and HYDRA immediately. Yeah, she was pretty scared about what she would find, but to her, it was better than not knowing what she was facing. People always said that ignorance was bliss, but Clara thought that was another way of saying apathy brought about happiness; apathy got people nowhere.
Firstly, Clara typed the Winter Soldier into Google, before realizing the Internet didn't extend to James' room.
"I don't suppose you have Wi-Fi, do you?" Clara questioned.
James shook his head.
"God dammit," Clara swore. "Now I have to use data."
"It's the end of the world," he mocked her.
"For my bank account, yeah," she defended herself. Clara was glad that James was back to joking around with her. When they first met, he was pretty quiet and made little attempt to entertain. She was glad that was different now.
Clara grudgingly turned her data on and looked at the results that came up on her screen. There were news articles dating from recent times all the way back to nearly a year ago. Clara decided to click on the Wikipedia article to get the most generalized idea of who the Winter Soldier was.
So far, what she'd gotten from the article was that he was an assassin that worked for HYDRA who was responsible for dozens of deaths throughout the years. Some deaths even dated back to the late 1950's, which really confused Clara. Wouldn't that make the Winter Soldier too old to assassinate people from the twentieth century?
Clara scrolled down the article further, looking for some sort of explanation only to come across a bit titled as 'The Howling Commando Scandal.'
She furrowed her eyebrows in confusion as to what it meant and kept reading.
Apparently, in the past few months, people had begun to identify the Winter Soldier as Captain America's long-dead best friend, Bucky Barnes. Who, by all means, should have been dead. He'd been declared KIA during World War II.
Clara went back to the search feed to get a look at the more recent articles, only to recoil in surprise when she saw a picture of James' face as the picture for the article. Underneath the photo, there was a small description:
Sgt. James Barnes, planning an attack beside Steve Rogers, otherwise known as Captain America (1943)
Clara couldn't believe it. That was definitely the same person as the man standing in the same room as her; same handsome features and everything. The only difference would the shadows under his eyes and the rugged hair. Every other feature was still the same, it was as though he'd barely aged a year since the photo was taken. But how the hell was that even possible? She knew that they'd found Captain America frozen and brought him back. That had been on the news non-stop for weeks, but it didn't explain how James was alive.
Clara's heart was beating wildly while she clicked on another article.
This one was about innocence and reasonable doubt.
We all know the story of Captain America coming back, it's all plausible: he was given a super-soldier serum that was never re-created and was frozen for years. But for a regular man like James Barnes to still be alive? It's unthinkable.
Clara had to stop for a moment so that she didn't laugh out loud. It was a bit inappropriate given her situation and the article she was reading, but it was just so ironic that he was standing in the same room as her. Either way, she continued on.
If he was, we'd be faced to explain how this man has been credited with so many assassinations over the years while still appearing in his twenties. We'd also be faced with the fact that he was a war-hero turned traitor to our country. Instead, we should look at what we do know. HYDRA was under America's nose the entire time, who's to say they aren't in the media too? Even with the leaked files, they don't confirm the identity of the Winter Soldier. All we know from those files is the confirmed kills and way they conditioned the Winter Soldier. (A caution for the reader, the files are not for the feint of heart if you decide to read them).
But that leaves one question: where is the Winter Soldier and where is he hiding? Will the US government bring justice to the Americans whose lives have been stolen during the fall of SHIELD. We have yet to receive updates until later next week. Until then, stay tuned on other updates for the Winter Soldier.
Clara couldn't take it anymore. She shut her phone off and stared at the blank screen with her face in the reflection. She couldn't bring herself to believe that she was lying down in the Winter Soldier's apartment, after he had just bandaged up her arm. But he couldn't possibly be HYDRA, because it didn't make any sense. He saved her from the two agents, he seemed to be surprised by Anton's presence just as Anton seemed surprised by him.
In fact, everything made so much sense. It was just difficult to wrap her head around it all. If he really was an assassin, what in the hell was he doing in the shithole building they lived in. Something wasn't right.
Clara turned her phone on again and looked further into who exactly Sergeant James Barnes really was. Apparently he'd grown up in New Yorkーjust as he'd told her when they went for dinner he also found at Captain America's side during the way and was known to be fiercely loyal and a great shot. Supposedly, he'd died by falling off a moving train in the Alps.
None of what she looked up made the gap between the war and current times make any sense. She only had more questions than what she had started off with. The only way to know more would be to ask James himself, but she didn't want to do that just yet.
Only minutes before they'd been joking around with each other and he'd been nice enough. Especially to that kid when she first met him, but now she wasn't sure if it was all a façade or not. Yet, as was a common saying; actions spoke louder than words. And his actions had proved a lot.
Clara groaned as she moved her shoulder. It was constantly emitting an achy pain that was dull, but couldn't be ignored. If she so much as shifted a muscle in her shoulder, she would feel a sharp pain.
"Do you want a painkiller?" James asked her.
Clara froze for a moment before nodding her head. She didn't look him in the eyes while answering.
She was panicking inwardly as she heard him dig through the cupboards and fill up a glass of water. He walked towards her, the glass of water in his gloved hand.
The gloved hand.
She had seen the metal arm as a trademark of the Winter Soldier. Clara had definite visual confirmation at this point.
The accepted the glass cautiously, before disregarding the notion of danger. If he had wanted to kill her at any point, he could've easily left her to die.
"Thanks," Clara finally said, setting the glass down beside her on the floor and putting the pill in her hand.
She swallowed it back quickly and took a swig of water. God knows how many times she got headaches while staring at the computer screen and coding. Life was definitely simpler back then.
"What are you doing over there?" Clara questioned him, curious as to what all the paper was for. Especially the book he kept writing in.
"When I'm bored I read about stuff I don't know," James replied.
Clara didn't believe it for a second. If anything, his answer only supported the theory that he was, in fact, from the 1940's. Man, if only the man who wrote that article could hear this, she thought.
"What were you just reading about?"
"The second world war," he told her without expanding.
If he'd been 'KIA' during the war, then he wouldn't have known how it ended. Yeah, that author would really be shooting himself if he heard all of this.
"And this is why a phone and internet would be helpful. You can look up literally anything, you know."
"I think I'm good with the book. Everything is right there in front of you," he countered.
"Yeah, but what if it's not in the encyclopedia? And just how old is that one anyways?"
James went to pick it up and looked at the front page. "2004," he answered.
"Can you read some of it to me? I'm pretty bored just lying here. I need to text my manager first, though."
"Why do you want me to read it?"
Clara laughed. "I don't know if you've noticed, but it's quite difficult to read a book with one arm available," she inwardly cringed at the last part of what she said, realizing the whole arm thing with him. At least he didn't know that she knew.
"Okay fine, I'll read it."
"Thank you," Clara said.
She opened up her phone again and texted her manager, making sure to let him know she wouldn't be in for a little while. Obviously, she couldn't state the exact reason.
James began to read out parts of the encyclopedia to her, and she listened along patiently. She even learned new things that she never thought to read more about, and some of the parts he read to her were completely new to her.
Towards the end of reading, he began to slow down. Even stumbled over a few lines. Clara didn't say anything about it, she just figured it was him zoning out again. She was getting tired and evidently he was too. A quick glance at the window and she knew it was getting to be pretty late at night.
After a while, he stopped all together and they both didn't say anything; they had a silent understanding and before Clara knew it, he'd fallen asleep slumped against the wall.
Maybe he did have insomnia like he said. It was probably catching up with him.
Clara took it as her chance to see, once and for all if he truly was the Winter Soldier or not. She was at least ninety percent sure, but she needed the confirmation.
Clara reached over and pressed against the arm where his hand was gloved. It wasn't like human limbs, that was for sure.
Clara was faced with the Winter Soldier, and she didn't know what to make of it.
AN: Bucky is the hardest character I've ever had to write, I swear to god. If he was just Bucky before he was brainwashed, that would be no problem. But I feel like the Bucky post-CA:TWS is such a complicated and mixed character. He'll go from being really angsty to recounting silly memories with Steve and bantering with Sam so it's really difficult to get a read on how he's doing in Civil War. I guess he's just a complicated character now. I'm trying my best and I hope I'm doing okay!
Also, sorry for the lack of dialogue in this chapter. (Or at least, the short snippets of it).
If you look 'Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes' you can find the photo that I talked about in the chapter ;)
Thanks to Marylikesroses, Civic1980, mrs-landers, artemis7441, and inperfection for reviewing! Reviews honestly make my day! :)
