"The fibers of all things have their tension and are strained like the strings of an instrument."
- Henry David Thoreau
Then, Bucharest, five days later:
Bucky wasn't regularly the type of person to give into others. He was friends with Steve, one of the most stubborn people he knew, but Clara almost seemed worse. If she wanted to do something, she could not be deterred; she was persistent that way. Bucky swore that some day it would be the death of her. Though, he'd make sure that day would never come. She'd wanted to leave the house and was adamant about it not being dangerous, but Bucky thought otherwise, so he went with her. It wasn't like her could force her to stay inside.
And that was how he ended up across from her at the gym. She seemed absolutely ecstatic to be outside again, now that her shoulder was all healed up. In fact, she was smiling and moving about freely, as if nothing in the world could harm her.
"So how do you feel about boxing?" Clara grinned.
Bucky smirked back at her. "Since I agreed to come here with you, we're going to do something else." Something that would actually be beneficial to her since she was so insistent about being outside.
"And what would that be?"
"I'm going to teach you self-defense."
Clara didn't seem too disappointed or questioning, so he went ahead.
"I learned everything from HYDRA, and I've never had to face someone who has no idea how to fight, so this might take a while to teach. If you want to be outside all the time, then we have to be careful. I know HYDRA- better than most-and they don't give up on their enemies easily."
Clara's happy attitude left her, and Bucky felt sorry for being the reason why. He knew it was for the better, however.
"Then go ahead, start teaching," Clara said.
"You know how to punch, right?"
Clara almost looked offended. "Of course I do," she moved her finger inwards and put her thumb overtop. "You keep your wrist straight and use your body, I already know this."
"Blocking too?" He asked.
Clara nodded.
"You which weak spots to hit?"
"Pretty much anywhere on the face, the knees, and so on."
So Clara at least knew the basics. That would make teaching her somewhat easier. Training the other super soldiers all those years ago (although it seemed like little time had passed) was intense, and it did nothing to help him teach others. Fighting against others who knew how to defend themselves and weren't breakable was one thing, but Clara possessed a small figure and didn't know how to fight properly.
"We're going to have to do this more than once for you to actually start learning," he started. "I'll go through the positions with you first."
Clara nodded. She looked rather eager to start, once she had gotten over the serious tone Bucky had set.
He made sure that she had the proper stances and punches were done properly, despite her insistence that she could. To his approval, he found that she hadn't just been saying she knew how.
Upon his look of pride, Clara mock-glared at him. "I don't instruct boxing classes for nothing, you know. I get paid because I can teach."
"I had to make sure."
"Is there ever a time when you're not paranoid?" She questioned. The look of annoyance on her face faded away as soon as she had said that. "I'm sorry, that was uncalled for. I'm just a bit sick of people underestimating me."
"People used to underestimate Steve all the time. In fact, I think he was shorter than you are," Bucky laughed. "The point is, people were always caught off guard by how fierce he could be, and sometimes that was advantageous. The same could work for you too, you know. I know he hated being thought of that way, but it's something you can use. If you ever are confronted by HYDRA again, they'll be surprised."
Clara simply stared at him for a moment before smiling. "I swear that's the most you've ever said to me at a time. But thank you for that."
Was that really the most he'd spoken at a time? Probably not, but he supposed Clara was right to feel that way. He didn't speak too much anymore, not since he'd been in HYDRA's hands. Clara had actually been getting him to return to his talkative self. He smiled despite himself.
"So can I teach you without protests now?" He teased.
Clara relented. "Go ahead."
They continued on at a slow pace, as a person who was first learning had to go at. Bucky was actually impressed by the rate she picked up on some techniques, and her form was steady in everything she did. She'd present a real challenge someone who was untrained.
At some point, while they had been effortlessly shifting around each other, Clara fell to the ground bringing him down with her. She wasn't a clumsy person, so it took them both by surprise once they were on the mats and Clara gasped in pain.
He'd landed partially on top of her and could feel her breathing heavily. Clara looked into his eyes briefly before shifting underneath him. Bucky quickly got up afterwards.
"God, my arm hurts again. Sometimes I forget you're a super soldier," Clara groaned.
He laughed quietly, trying to forget the feeling that rushed through him when he met her eyes. He didn't know what he felt for Clara, they were close, that was for sure. But there was something else between them that only popped up rarely. He'd felt the same way when he re-bandaged her arm for the first time.
"Should we finish up then?" He asked, attempting to keep everything from his mind.
"Sure," Clara said, rolling her shoulder. "I was starting to get tired anyways."
The next few days rolled on without out incident. Clara often kept up her training with Bucky as best she could, though some days they felt too tired. It was nice that she was finally able to leave her apartment, however. It was like a breath of fresh air after being confined for so longーespecially now that her arm was fully functional again.
Sure, there was still the paranoia in the back of her head concerning HYDRA, but she ignored it to the best of her ability. One didn't get shot in the arm and have an easy time recovering from the mental trauma, after all.
The only part of the days passed worth mentioning would be Bucky's strange behaviour. It was difficult to pick up, at first, but Clara noticed him growing slightly distant. It was done subtly, of course, by him talking as little as possibleーwhich wasn't exactly too different from his usual self, even if he had been talkative more recentlyーyet, that wasn't the only way he'd been behaving strangely.
If Clara got too close to him, he'd try and maintain distance, or even flinch. He'd never done that before. It was driving Clara crazy because she didn't know why he was being that way. She chalked it up to some of the shit he'd gone throughーshe was well aware he had not led an easy life in recent years.
But Clara, being headstrong, decided that she was going to confront him about it. It was better than leaving him to deal with whatever it was alone.
It was still morning, so Clara figured that Bucky would be awakeーhe was always awake early in the morning. Clara figured that they needed to go jogging again to help him cope with the stress and lack of sleep. So she went to knock on his door still dressed in her sleepwearーan oversized shirt and shorts. She didn't particularly care what he thought of her appearance, as he'd already seen her in pretty bad conditions.
At first, only silence met Clara's knocks. She didn't even hear any noise from within the apartment. She patiently waited, as she didn't want to be a nuisance, then knocked again. Maybe he was sleeping after all. Yet, didn't he have his job to go to?
Clara turned away and headed back to her place before she heard the clicking of the door behind her.
In the open doorway was Bucky looking as though he hadn't slept in days. There were shadows under his eyes, his hair was unkempt and he was oddly pale. He didn't look the same person who had been instructing her at the gym just a few days ago.
He looked haunted.
Clara didn't say anything, momentarily leaving silence between the two of them.
"Are you okay, Bucky?" She broke the tension.
He shook his head no, surprising Clara. Whatever she had been expecting from him, it hadn't been a clear and honest answer.
Bucky waved her inside, and she couldn't help the strange pang she felt when she noticed how shaky his hand was. What could have possibly happened in just a few days to cause such a drastic change in his appearance and health? Clara didn't think that she'd ever seen him in such horrible shape. She entered his apartment to find that it was messy. Normally, it was kept to a perfectly clean state, but it was never messy.
"Bucky, what's going on?" Clara questioned him quietly, as though speaking too loud would scare him off. She knew Bucky was strong, there was no denying that, yet his appearance worried herーlike speaking too loud would worsen his state.
"I haven't been sleeping," Bucky stated with a tiredness that Clara had never seen before. He sat down at the makeshift table and Clara sat across from him.
"Have you at least slept-"
"At all," Bucky clarified.
Clara was stunned silent for a moment. Her mind began to pull at all the reasons for why he hadn't been sleepingーthe whole insomnia thing had to be a lie, right? She knew he'd been through a lot of shit with HYDRA and the war, could that be the cause? No, that didn't make a whole lot of sense either, as he seemed to be doing mostly fine up until current times. It had to be nightmares then.
"Then what's keeping you up?" Clara asked.
"I..." Bucky hesitated. "You wouldn't want to know. I've been having nightmares, and I do terrible things in them. The same sort of shit HYDRA made me do, only I was in full control and... It's always so bloody."
Clara felt terrible for making him repeat the nightmares. It's always better to talk about the bad rather than keep it in, she reminded herself in her head.
"Bucky, you should really tell me some of them. I know it's not..." Clara fished for the proper word, "it's not pleasant to talk about, but you'll feel better for saying it."
"I don't know if I can," Bucky admitted. "They're about you."
Clara knew her eyes widened, she couldn't help it. But she could keep in the gasp that wanted to come out at the revelation. Forcing all other thoughts out of her head, she steeled her gaze, looking him directly in the eyes. "Tell me regardless."
Bucky looked hesitant. "In the nightmares, we're always doing something like talking before everything goes wrong," Bucky took his eyes off Clara and instead looked at his hands like they suddenly became interesting. "Next I know, I don't know who I am anymore and I- I kill you. With my hands, a knife, anything. You're always dead because of me and I don't know how to stop the nightmares. I can't sleep all night because I think that if I fall asleep, I'll end up having another nightmare about killing you again. If I do manage to sleep, I end up waking up again because of nightmares. I thought that if I avoided you they'd stop. Nothing's changed."
Clara stood still, not quite knowing how to reply. She was no doctor, she didn't know how to help him deal with the nightmares. If she were to be honest, her being murdered in his nightmares was disturbing, but that wouldn't stop her. She was nothing if not determined to help him. Despite everything that had occurred lately, he was one of the only good parts of her life currently. She was completely misplaced, but Bucky helped her feel like she at least belonged somewhere nowーand she understood what it was like to be on the run even if she didn't feel like she was in danger all the time.
"I'm sorry," Clara said.
He looked back up. "What? Why would you be sorry."
"I don't know how to help, and I want to be able to so much. God, I feel useless," and that was the real honest truth. As much as Clara liked to feel competent, she was clueless in ways to help.
"I didn't let you come in here so you could help. I just wanted to tell you what was going on," Bucky stated. "I don't think I can keep going on like this anymore, I tried to keep this all away from you, I've already dragged you into enough. You don't need any more problems."
"No, I want to help you," then Clara's eyes uncharacteristically teared up. "I was so alone here for a long time. I had no idea how difficult it would be to live on my own in a foreign country hiding the fact that I was wanted. I'm sure you've had to do the same... Make-up names, back stories and names of the people you know. It's terrible, your entire life becomes a lie. But I don't have to do that with you," Clara elaborated. Tears were rolling down her cheeks but she didn't seem to care. She simply swept them away.
Clara took hold of Bucky's metal hand that was resting on the table. "Don't hide anything from me, and please don't go distant again."
Bucky looked to Clara. "I promise," he said sincerely. "I had no idea about thatーI wanted to make sure you didn't get hurt further, but I guess there's no point in that now."
Clara tearily laughed. "I'm not going to let the next time."
"You sound so much like Steve saying that," A small smile graced Bucky's face.
"Tell me about him. I know about Captain America, but we don't really hear about the man behind him," Clara said. She barely knew anything about him, come to think about it. She had more to worry about than superheroes in the past years.
"Steve used to be..." Bucky drifted off. "Sometimes I have gaps in my memory, but I know Steve was sick as a kidーhe was always on death's door, yet it never deterred him. He was determined to fight bullies and bad guys no matter what the damage to himself. He was a caring friend too, even if I did most of the caring. He was stubborn tooーalways wanted to do things his own way, even if he could've had help."
"Steve sounds like a great person," Clara smiled, her face then grew serious. "Bucky, I have a question. How- how are you here now? I mean, I saw what went down in Washington D.C. How did you come to be here?"
"Steve kept insisting I was someone else. I remember being so confusedーhe wouldn't kill me and kept calling me Bucky. So I spared him and left to find out more about myself. I could have killed him."
Clara felt terrible for asking but said nothing. She did know a way to say, what could you say to such a thing? Clara faintly wondered what time it was, but realized she didn't care if she was a bit late to work. It was all worth it for Buckyーbesides, it wouldn't matter if she was a few minutes late.
"What do you say we meet up after work and train some more? I think it might help."
Bucky nodded. "Sounds good."
Clara took that as a signal to leave and got up.
"Wait, Clara, thank you for this. I don't know what would've happened if you didn't stop me from being isolated."
"Don't thank me, it's just something people should do."
The rest of the day passed relatively quickly, and Bucky couldn't help feeling that was partly due to Clara. She was like a bright light in all of the shit they had surrounding themーlike a ray of hope that he didn't have to live terribly because of the lives he'd taken. They haunted him from beyond their graves, which was punishment enough.
After work, Bucky had met up with Clara and they'd trained. This time, it had gone without incident and Clara seemed to be picking up on everything he taught her relatively easily.
Together, they went back to Clara's place because she insisted on cooking her favourite meal; macaroni and cheese.
"Should I put on the radio again?" Clara asked as she was cooking.
"Sure," Bucky answered, sitting down on the couch.
The radio hosts mostly spoke about problems with infrastructure for a bit, something Bucky didn't pay much mind too until he heard the name Romanoff. He remembered her from the incidents in Washingtonーnot particularly well, as his memory had been wipedーhe knew she was a part of the Avengers and Steve's friend. She was a formidable opponent in a fight as well.
"Natasha Romanoff and others were involved with another mission across seas in which they were given no authorization for. The anger towards this group in countries has grown violentーSokovia is still in pieces and its citizens still full of grief and anger. There's even anger in parts of America which leaves us to ask, is anyone even in control of the Avengers? People want justice, and I think Paul said earlier was rightーif there isn't some justice served eventually if nobody answers for these crimesーthis may end in disaster."
Clara stopped stirring the pot for a moment. "Well, that was certainly positive."
"I'm part at fault for this," Bucky said horrified.
"No, you aren't, HYDRA is. None of you are at fault for thisーour lives have been saved from certain doom because of them multiple times. I don't understand how some people can't see that."
"Doesn't change that I was the one that did it," Bucky spoke quietly. "I just hope Steve doesn't get mixed up in this."
"I'm sure he won't. The world needs him."
But Bucky wasn't too sureーthe world they lived in was an unforgiving one.
AN: So funny story, I accidentally deleted half of this draft and had to retype it. But that's only part of the reason this was so late. I had family in town and graduated, then I accidentally became really obsessed with Game of Thrones and I can't stop watching it.
Anyways, I've never left a story unfinished and I'm not about to start. Next update should be soon now that I'm back.
