For the first time in a week, sunlight filtered through curtains and fell onto Hermione's features. The sun moved at a snail's pace, but it was some time before she opened her eyes, disoriented by the light. For a minute she couldn't remember where she was or why she was there. It was blissful until her scarred arm pulsed in discomfort, her memory returning in a clump of confusion. She sat up quickly and stared around. The room was immaculate, not a sock out of place, heightening the awareness that she did not belong there. Swearing out loud, she pushed the blankets back and swung her legs over the side of the bed. As soon as she stood, a dizzy spell made her sway, prompting her sit for minute. She hadn't eaten in days and her body was punishing her for it.
She braced herself on the nightstand and rose unsteadily. Glancing out the window, she noted that the sun was hanging high in the sky, indicating the late hour. She must've slept in and she had so much school work to catch up on, not to mention she owed Minerva an explanation for demanding to sleep in her room the way she did. The thought of what had happened caused a pang of distress. She didn't understand what had come over her. That sadness could become so overwhelming as to lead someone to hurt themself was something she had ever understood. Until now.
Minerva wasn't in the bedroom, so Hermione slowly made her way to the door that led to her office. She didn't really want to face her yet, so she hoped the teacher was with a class so she could sneak out. No such luck. Opening the door, the first thing she saw was the headmistress at her desk, a quill in hand. The woman turned around at the sound of the door and nodded in greeting.
"I didn't want to wake you. I brought you some breakfast. It should still be warm."
Hermione looked at the plate on the desktop hungrily, but held back. "What time is it?"
"Almost mid-day. Don't worry about your classes. I've already explained the situation to your other teachers." If she was annoyed, the headmistress hid it well; her face was blank and her eyes were gentle.
"You have?" Hermione couldn't supress her embarrassment at the thought that everyone knew about her… mishap, but Minerva quelled it with a small smile and a nod.
"I told them you're sick. They've put aside your work, but you don't have to force yourself. I'd rather you get well first."
"But I'm not sick." She moved from the doorway to the seat on the other side of the desk. She didn't want special consideration for school. She just wanted to be able to do the work like she should.
"You are. You have an illness and I intend to do whatever it takes to help. It's nothing to be ashamed of."
Hermione took the plate of eggs and toast so she had something else she could concentrate on. After a minute she spoke again. "I'm sorry."
Putting the quill and whatever she was working on aside, the older woman didn't look surprised at all. "You didn't do anything wrong, my darling."
She kept her eyes down and her voice low. "I burst in last night and put all my issues onto you. You shouldn't have to deal with that crap." She flinched slightly at the curse, but Minerva didn't react.
"You don't need to apologise, Hermione. You did the right thing by coming to me." She looked away for a moment. "It's me who should be sorry for everything that's happened. For hurting you and not being able to protect you when you needed it." Minerva's voice cracked and Hermione watched her as she cleared her throat. "I should have been upfront with my intentions from the beginning and I wasn't. What I did was wrong."
Hermione couldn't deny that. She had felt so betrayed. Even now she knew that she was right to be angry, but that emotion seemed to have run its course. Still watching her friend who had lowered her gaze in remorse, she finally asked what she needed to know. "What were your intentions?"
Minerva met her stare, each of them studying the other. "I wanted to look after you. I knew you were in a bad place at the start of the school year and feared you would hurt yourself or worse. I thought if I could be with you at all times that I could stop it from happening, but I just made a bad situation worse."
Hermione was the first to look away, unable to stand it any longer. She knew it in her heart to be true, that Minerva's intentions were good. She also knew that she would have been worse off without the cat to anchor her. "You did help me," she admitted in a controlled voice, "I think if the cat hadn't been there – if you hadn't been there – that maybe what happened last night would have already happened. But you're right. You should have just told me you were worried." She furrowed her brow and looked up again. "I told you things that I wouldn't have otherwise. You lied to me."
McGonagall's eyes were full of regret she didn't try to conceal. For the first time Hermione was seeing her without all her guards up. "I know. Believe me, if I could take it back, I would have done things differently, but by the time I knew that it was wrong it was too late. You had grown too attached and I couldn't just tell you the truth or stopped outright." Minerva sighed. "I was afraid you would hurt yourself if I did."
It was eerie seeing Minerva as an emotional human being. Hermione was used to her being in total control. She was grateful not to be the only vulnerable one. She placed the plate back on the desk. She had eaten what little she could.
After a few seconds, she began to summarise, "Finding out the truth really hurt me."
"I know."
"And it was wrong."
"Yes."
She took a breath. "But I think I understand why you did it, even if I'm not ready to forgive you."
She bit her lip and looked worried. She could see that this hurt Minerva, but it was the truth and she didn't want any more lies between them. In time she would forgive her with all her heart, but they'd have to work towards that together.
"I understand." They sat in uncomfortable silence for a minute or two. They both knew what topic had to be broached next and Hermione was hesitant to bring it up. She didn't have to. "Will you tell me about last night?" The question was followed by more silence.
"I don't know what happened," Hermione started slowly. She didn't want to talk about it, but she had to. She was afraid talking about it would prompt the sadness to grow. Trying to distance herself emotionally from the words, she started again and spoke quickly, like ripping off a bandaid. "I don't know why it happened. I got upset. I was… shaken up by finding out about you, but that wasn't the only reason why. It just added to what was already there. I was afraid and angry and sad at the same time and I can deal with those emotions on their own, but they became one big bundle. It was too much. I cracked." Her words were a flurry. "I saw a way out from all the pain inflicted on me and the pain I inflicted on you. It seemed like the only possible solution to an unending number of problems." She swallowed when she felt finished and looked up timidly.
Minerva was nodding deliberately, her hands clasped on the desk. She seemed to be processing the words, but she spoke after a while. "I'm glad you came to me for help. You did the right thing. It shows real strength of character."
Hermione objected in a low voice, but the emotion built. "I wasn't strong. I was weak. I gave in to the sadness and then I couldn't follow through with that."
"But it takes a lot of strength to resist when the urge is so strong. You sought help instead and I am so proud of you for that."
She faltered, not sure what to make of it. For a fleeting moment she felt a trace amount of anger that Minerva was assuming to know, but it faded as quickly as it came. "What do you know about it?" She asked, keeping her voice soft and as unemotional as she could.
Minerva took a breath. There was so much compassion in her eyes as well as something else. Something familiar. Sadness. "There was a time when I had to fight the same demons as you. It was some time ago, but I remember how hard that pull to surrender can be."
Hermione paused as she marvelled. Minerva was the strongest person she knew, always had been the most resilient. Today she was seeing her at her most vulnerable. She was being trusted with Minerva's emotions and history. "What happened?"
Minerva inclined her head slightly, choosing her words carefully. She wanted to show Hermione she trusted her completely by telling her what she hadn't told anyone. Hermione could see she was struggling. "I was a little older than you. It was a difficult period of time with Voldemort rising to power." She looked up again, her face strangely serene. "I was working with the department of Magical Law Enforcement and during an altercation was hit with a cruciatus curse. I had been pregnant." She seemed so distant that Hermione could believe it was someone else's story. "I lost the baby and if it wasn't for Albus I would have lost my life by my own hand."
"I'm so sorry," Hermione breathed. She couldn't imagine how that would have been. By comparison her pain seemed trivial. "That's terrible."
Minerva waved it off. Like flipping a switch, she was once again the stony gazed teacher Hermione had always known. She spoke matter-of-factly as she rose from her seat. "It was a long time ago. It's partially because of my own experience that I thought it was important for me to be there for you at all times."
Hermione was at a loss for words. She wanted to tell her friend how brave she was, how selfless and wonderful, but they seemed to have moved past that. "Thank you."
They shared a smile before Minerva walked around the desk, completely back to business. "The first thing we're going to do is retrieve your belongings. I don't want you staying by yourself, just in case. I'll have a bed set up for you in the Gryffindor dormitory."
"No," Hermione stood suddenly, eyes wide. "Please, I don't want anyone to find out there's something wrong with me."
Minerva gave a comforting smile and came close to place a hand on Hermione's shoulder. "You underestimate your friends, my darling."
"It's not just my friends I'm worried about. Besides, I have you."
The hand on her shoulder moved to stroke her hair. It was reassuring, as were her words. "You do have me, you always will, but you need others as well. Can't you talk to Miss Weasley or Lovegood?"
Hermione paused, savouring the hand untangling her hand. "I can talk to Harry for now, but I still don't want to stay with the other students. They'll realise something's wrong."
Minerva nodded sympathetically. "Then what will we do about your sleeping arrangements? I don't want you to be alone at night, at least for a few days."
Hermione wanted to hold the other witch's hand against her face, but she resisted. "I can stay here," she said. It seemed the most logical solution. "It's just until I go back to my room and I can sleep out here."
The older woman looked uncertain. She was struggling to decide what would be best and her hand settled on Hermione's shoulder. "Would you be comfortable with that?"
"Of course," Hermione's face lightened. "It's the safest I've ever felt."
Minerva tensed her jaw but nodded slowly. "It's just until I know you're not in any danger."
"Okay."
"Well, we ought to collect your things. I'm interested in finding out where you've been sleeping these past nights." She began to move towards the door, her hand resting on Hermione's back. "While we're at it, you can tell me how you figured it out. It took me quite by surprise."
Minerva hadn't seen the map, or at least hadn't known what it was without her glasses. Hermione smiled to herself. "I might tell you some day, but not today."
A/N: I thought I had already uploaded this. Evidently not. I hope your holidays were okay.
