Kitty wanted to fight. Kitty wanted to do something, to do anything!
She hated how everyone sacrificed everything for her. She hated how she saw hungry eyes watching her eat because she was what kept them alive. She hated having to stay inside while everyone risked their lives for her so she can send someone back and save them all. She hated how she saved them so they could save her. She hated all the sentinels. She hated Mystique, who just had to go kill Trask. She hated how everyone just can't accept them, even after Alcatraz. And more than anything, she hated the Sentinels.
She hated Trask, she hated the stupid untrusting humans, she hated Magneto for causing all this fucking trouble and she hated, loathed, disliked with all her heart having to watch Bobby die over and over again. But she couldn't do anything. So for now all she could do was continue watching everyone die, send someone back, repeat the cycle, and hope, pray, that one day, this crazy circle will stop spinnning, and the madness will end.
Maybe Kitty is hurting Bobby. So maybe she's hurting the team, her team, the X Men by being selfish. Maybe she's going overboard with the visions. After all, they're just that, visions right? Nothing worth missing Danger Room sessions. Maybe, just maybe, she's being selfish.
But, she reasoned, it's not being selfish if she's doing it to protect his relationship with Rogue. That's not really selfish right? To want to protect a friend from a broken heart?
Yet somewhere deep down, she knew she was selfish. Because she wasn't doing this to prevent Bobby and Marie from breaking up. No, she was doing this to save herself from the pain, the pain of seeing Bobby with someone else. Part of her had been happy when she heard that Bobby and Marie fought. Part of her was happy that Bobby had taken her side. Part of her, oh that traitorous side, wanted to go and see Bobby right there and then. Go see him and maybe, just maybe, kiss the heck out of him.
Some of her felt the need to go visit the fountain outside. She didn't know what, as nothing important to her had happened there. But one day, she started to get this unexpected tingly happy feeling every time she passed the fountain. Sometimes, if she squints really hard she can see a boy and a girl, faces blurry, laughing and skating on the fountain. Then she goes to bed and dreams of those two people, so happy together. They're always faceless, maybe a May or a Drew or a Jessie or a Jaden.
And she gets jealous, oh she gets so jealous of those two lucky people. Those lucky people who get to be so happy. Why couldn't she? Why couldn't she have that happiness? Why did Marie have to come right when she and Bobby were actually getting close?
She wondered what was going on, going on with her. Why was she acting this way? So... so... Kitty didn't know how to describe it. What words could describe the way she had been acting? She felt so ashamed. So ashamed of the way she's been acting, snapping at Logan who only meant to help her in his own way, forsaking the duties of the X Men with her own selfish tendencies, betraying her fellow X Men by ignoring them as well when they haven't done anything to her.
If she's avoiding Bobby, she shouldn't ignoring her duties. It was an honor to be chosen to join, and she tosses that privilege back towards Xavier's face, like it was trash. She threw away all of the trust that the X Men placed on her, that Professor X placed onto her. What was wrong with her? What was she thinking? She was wrong, way back then, when she thought she changed. She hasn't. Even now, she still made unnecessary attempts to avoid everything. She had first laughed at Xavier's face when he told her she was a mutant. Even though she had all the evidence from the headaches, even though she could walk through walls, even though she saw all the news.
The news of muties, of freaks, of monsters.
That wasn't going to continue. She was going to be strong, going to be an X Men. She'd be damned if she let herself continue done this path of nonsense just for a boy. No, this was going to stop.
With those matters out of the way, maybe she should go visit the fountain again...
The next day, she showed up at the next Danger Room session.
