Disconnected
Hermione hadn't expected so much so soon after reconciling Ron and the emotional rollercoaster they had gone through, but in the three weeks since they first met in Hogsmeade he had joined Harry on a second, more neutral trip and sent her letters almost daily. It was the most frequent he had written to her even when they were together and although the notes were cautious about the subjects, it was obvious how hard he was trying. Hermione wrote back in her crisp cursive throughout the day. He wanted to know everything he had missed out on and she was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. She did find herself wondering, though, when he asked how McGonagall was. She didn't write back that she had started sleeping in the older woman's room, knowing that despite their attempts to mend their friendship at that point it could break their still mending trust.
Lying in bed, Hermione watched Minerva sleeping, how delicate she looked until her thoughts turned to Ron and a spear of guilt pierced her stomach. Feeling nothing but tenderness towards Minerva felt like she was cheating on Ron even though she wasn't involved with either of them. She bit her lip and turned away, closing her eyes against the thought.
The next morning she was greeted by an owl at the window, otherwise alone in the room. She read the whole length of scroll over breakfast which had been left on the coffee table in the office for her. It started with Ron detailing the five days of training and apologising for not writing sooner. Questions about her classes and health followed which made Hermione wonder if they would still be together if he had shown this much interest when she had needed it. At the very end was a P.S. in small scrawl telling her that he had time off on the next Wednesday during the allotted Hogsmeade visit and that he wanted to see her. The date was only two days away and Hermione dropped the toast that had been held near her mouth for the last few minutes.
She looked up at the clock over McGonagall's desk. There were only twenty minutes until her first class and she wouldn't see Ginny until lunch to question her about it. There was a panic growing inside her already, so she quickly folded the letter and unceremoniously stuffed it back into the envelope before changing and hurrying down to class.
She had Arithmancy and then Runes, both subjects without the interruption or distraction of her friends. While she thoroughly enjoyed the challenge of the first subject, the latter was useless for taking her mind off anything. She had all but perfected three runic systems as well as a fourth alphabet for extra credit. Now translating runic texts was as simple as French. She had to see Ginny.
The school bell rang in the distance and the sound of voices and footsteps set her back in motion. Weaving through the surge of students, she made for the Great Hall and was one of the first to take a seat, opting for the end of the table. She was soon joined by Luna who had her nose buried in a book, turning the pages backwards. For half an hour she waited, watching the looming doors for any sign of Ginny, nearly jumping at the sight of anyone with red hair.
"She's not coming," Luna said, still reading.
Hermione didn't look at her, still hoping to catch Ginny. "What?"
"Ginny has quidditch practice. She's not coming to lunch."
Hermione's head snapped to the blonde who now hand her hair tied in the highest possible ponytail. Her face drained of colour and she sunk down in her seat. "Bugger."
Without saying good bye, Hermione started for the quidditch pitch before stopping and slapping herself in the forehead. Potions. They had double potions together next. Never before had the witch been so excited to head into the dungeons where she sat, back against the cold stone wall and waited for the end of lunch.
While she was the first to arrive, Ginny was amongst the last, dragging her feet. Hermione was already behind a cauldron, the one beside her empty and Ginny took up the position.
"Why didn't you warn me?" Hermione hissed, but before Ginny could reply Professor Slughorn had begun talking, explaining their goal for the class, to create a perfect Mopsus Potion in the time they had. Most of the class groaned at the difficulty of the task, but Hermione just waited for them to start retrieving the necessary ingredients before she repeated the question.
"Warn you about what?" The red head looked towards the packed supply room wanting to get started quickly.
"That the boys are visiting." She received a quizzical look in return.
"What do you mean the boys are visiting?" Now her entire focus was on Hermione who was pulling the crinkled letter out of her pocket and handing it to her. She scanned the contents until she reached the end and her eyerbrows shot up. "I swear, Hermione, I had no idea. Harry's doing some kind of leadership thingymajig."
The bottom of Hermione's stomach dropped. "You mean you're not going to be there?"
"I don't know. I mean, I could, I guess. But it sounds like Ron just wants to see you." The open look of horror made the younger girl retract her words. "You don't have to go if you don't want to. Look, he's waiting for a reply. Why don't you just tell him you're not ready for that?"
The comforting hand on Hermione's arm made her mind break away from the choir of 'what if's. She swallowed and tried to look calmer than she felt. "No, I'm sure it's fine. I mean, last time went well enough, right?" Her eyes were too wide to pass as unruffled and her voice hitched. "What could go wrong, right? I'm sure it'll be fine. It'll be completely and utterly fine. Just fine." Her voice trailed off and Professor Slughorn approached them, noting the lack of work going on.
"Is everything alright, girls?"
"It's fine," Hermione responded, pulling her chainmail defences back up.
Ginny looked at her, wavering before looking back at their teacher. "We were just waiting for the other students to clear out of the store room," she lied.
"Hmm, very well." He moved away to see how a pair of Hufflepuffs were going.
Hermione had opened her text book to the right page and skimmed the list of ingredients.
"Hermione, just call it off."
The gentleness didn't have the right effect and Hermione straightened her back, walked to the store room and took a few deep breaths, filling her lungs with the chaotic air smelling of everything from frog bile to lotus flowers. I'm fine, I'm fine. It will be fine. She repeated the words like a mantra as she collected the ingredients she needed before returning to Ginny who was looking at her with that infuriating expression of sympathy that bordered on pity.
"Hermione-"
"Aguamenti," Hermione interrupted, filling the cauldron with water.
"Hermione, you don-"
"Could you start crushing the doxy eggs?"
"Hermione Granger," Ginny's raised voice sounded so like her mother that Hermione nearly dropped the nearly transparent unicorn hair, "write to Ron and tell him you're not going."
"No, Ginny, I don't need to. I can do this."
"You're pushing yourself too hard. You only just saw him a fortnight ago and that was in a group. You don't have to do this."
"Yes I do." Hermione had lowered her voice, glaring at the students who had turned to listen to their conversation. "Gin, this is something I really do need to do. I need to prove to myself that I'm not scared."
"But you are, aren't you."
Hermione felt a newt eye pop under her finger and she cursed. "Yes, but I can't keep running away from everything I'm scared of. Look how badly that happened last time."
Ginny shook her head and passed Hermione the mortar of doxy eggs in return for the next ingredient. "Bloody hell, 'Mione, even you aren't that disconnected from your emotions. If you do this too quickly you might get worse instead of better."
"But if I don't see him now then I might keep making up excuses and then I'll never overcome this thing."
"Do you really believe that?"
Hermione had to think a moment. She was petrified and not nearly as sure of this as she was making out, but, "Yes. As scared as I am of what might happen, I'm even more scared of what might happen if I don't take the chance."
"I hate it when you make sense. At least let me walk you there just in case you change your mind."
"Of course. Now start stirring so I can start adding the ingredients."
Hermione focused all her attention on the task at hand, keeping her nervousness at bay by reminding herself that there was only three hours until she would be home safe in the headmistress' office.
AN: Late upload, sorry. I accidentally deleted a vital (fucking) chapter that I had been working on for months and created my own writer's block so this chapter got partially cut in half to give me time to rewrite it... Very upset... but the story will go on. I will finish it even if it takes me to my death bed. So very, very upset.
