Count Down


There were timers in Hermione's head. At first it had been just one counting down the days until exams, but then there was another for Luna's party. A third started once she had written to Ron saying she would visit for the holidays. Each occasion loomed in the future like gathering storm clouds and she was far too aware of the minutes counting down.

"I think everything's moving too fast," Hermione confided in Harry. He had Teddy for the Saturday and the baby animorphigi was playing with Ginny by the Lake edge.

"Maybe that's just because you've spent so long staying still," he suggested, "if we're not going forward, what are we?"

"So you think I should go to The Burrow?"

He gave a slight nod. "I think it'd be good for you and Ron. He's been all over the place and he needs some of your stability."

She chuffed. Stable was the last word she'd use to describe herself.

"You could probably use a break from this place, too."

Hermione stretched out. Ginny was coming back up the hill with Teddy on her hip. She hadn't seen the baby Lupin since she started school and he had grown into a mischevious little shape shifter. As he was passed into her arms his hair changed from red to purple, his eyes yellow.

Ginny was excited about the holidays and voiced her plans to go shopping in Diagon Alley and to see a quidditch game and a variety of other fun things. By the end of Harry's visit Hermione still wasn't sure she wanted to go, but had conceded that she would and any of her worries could wait until the end of the semester's exams.

She was still uncertain if The Burrow was the best idea, but she had already promised and now she had eleven days and eighteen hours until she saw Ron. But first she had to worry about exams.


It was a busy week for Minerva and Hermione avoided the office during the day when meetings with board members and employees took place. This meant she spent a huge chunk of the time in the library. She tried to focus on her books, always certain she had forgotten something dreadfully important that would absolutely be on the exam. Scouring her notes on the properties of rare potion ingredients the facts seemed to escape her as soon as she put the book down. Now there were only five days and seventeen hours until her Potions exam but for some reason her thoughts were back in the headmistress' office.

In her last interaction with McGonagall she had been leaving for class and the older woman had stopped her to flatten the collar of Hermione's blouse. It had stuck with her throughout the day, the firm hand on her arm and the soft eyes. Since a casual observation from Luna after Transfiguration Hermione had become more attentative of her crush. There was something about the way she looked at Hermione, her eyes taking on a certain shine at times that would quickly be replaced by a sort of sadness. Her pale hands would often find hers or linger on her arm, fingers curling in her hair.

Maybe Hermione was imagining it. She was nearly certain of it. She wanted there to be something special between them and these shows of friendship gave her a reason to dream. But what about what Dumbledore's portrait had said? That Minerva was facing her feelings because Snape had said they were being inappropriate. No. That was wishful thinking too. He must have meant something else. But hadn't McGonagall been jealous of Ron when she thought they were getting back together or was that just more wishing.

Of course it's wishful thinking. Why would she want someone as filthy as you? Dirty, stupid little mudblood.

"Oh, shut up," Hermione grumbled to herself. Those thoughts were coming more often, never in her own voice, but she didn't have time to think about them. There was so much work to get through.


Time was speeding up and Hermione was starting to worry she'd lose it. Any time she got an answer wrong in class she began to hyperventilate, certain it was a sign that she would fail her exams. Ginny didn't know what to do. Her wise-cracking was met by silence or even the older girl lashing out. There were three days, thirteen hours and sixteen minutes until her first exam. After a less-than-pleasant parting with Ginny Hermione had spent the evening afraid that her friend would hate her, unsure whether that was worse than the fact she would most definitely fail every single exam she had. She was sitting on the floor of the office, books and parchment spread out around her so she could jump from one subject to the next, quizzing herself and getting more and more frustrated at her own ineptitude. It was no surprise when everything started to blur as tears rolled down her cheeks.

When McGonagall returned from the staff meeting later than expected and she was surprised to see the young woman on her knees in the middle of the room, frantically looking for a page. Not wanting to shock her, she knocked on the already open door.

Hermione wiped her face with the sleeves of her robe before she turned her head.

"I can't find my summary on wand lore and magic types." She was trying to sound reasonable, but her brittle voice and manic expression betrayed her.

Minerva collected her thoughts before going to where Hermione was and crouching down. Her knees ached as she shifted through the pages for a minute before holding one up.

"Is this what you're looking for?"

Hermione nodded gratefully and once again used her sleeve to blot her nose. "Thanks," she croaked.

"I think it's time you took a break, Hermione."

"No, no, I'm fine. I just need to make sure I haven't forgotten anything. I need to make sure I get it right."

McGonagall rose again and held out a hand. "Let me rephrase that. You are going to take a break, Miss Granger."

Hermione didn't know whether to laugh at the sternness or be genuinely afraid, so she said nothing, just let herself be pulled to her feet. Their hands remained clasped and Minerva's expression softened before she led Hermione out of the chaotic mess. She pressed the back of her other hand to Hermione's cheek to dry a tear.

"Have you eaten?"

Hermione looked at her feet as a barrage of taunting thoughts reminded her that she was imagining that look in Minerva's eyes. She took her hand back.

"Yes. I had lunch."

"But not dinner?"

She shook her head and licked her dry lips. They hurt from being bitten constantly.

McGonagall lifted her chin and looked at her over her spectacles. "Have a bath in my quarters and put on something comfortable. I'll have something small sent up for you to eat."

"No, I-" Hermione stopped talking as the other witch raised her eyebrows, daring her to disagree. She nodded her assent.


With Minerva sitting on the other side of the desk sipping from a tea cup, Hermione ate her pumpkin soup and toast in silence. Her mind had quieted down a fair bit. Her bath had a calming effect and the food settled her tossing stomach. Her eyes still wandered back to her books and notes, but Minerva would ask her a question to bring her back. For a little while she talked about her (or rather, Ginny's) plans for the holidays but she still felt guilty for snapping at her friend that day.

"These exams are more a practice set for your NEWTs than official," McGonagall said when Hermione insisted she go back to studying. "They give the teachers and idea of what parts of the curriculum they need to go over again and for the students to have a taste of what they'll be up against."

"Can you tell me what'll be on them?"

"No, but if you remember the sorts of questions covered in your OWLs then you'll have a pretty good idea. For the applicable subjects it'll be split into practical and theoretical. You've already been taught what you need to know and considering your aptitude I have every faith you'll do splendid."

Hermione still felt the niggling doubt as she tidied up, but McGonagall's advice made sense. The headmistress watched her take the dreamless sleep potion and transfigured the couch. In the dark her eyes reflected yellow and she passed by to her room, she paused. Hermione could feel the warmth of her and couldn't look her in the eye.

"You are one of the most brilliant women I've ever met, Hermione."

A hand brushed against her jaw and then Minerva was moving quickly to her own bed, shutting the door between them.

In the silence the timer continued to tick down.


Hermione managed to summon the control to pay attention in class. Her teachers were going over what they had already learned in preparation for the exams. She even managed to keep her mind on the work ahead of her in Transfiguration with Minerva standing at the head of the class instructing them once again on transfigurative potions. The teacher's expression changed minutely into one of amusement at the mention of polyjuice and Hermione smiled at her desk while Ginny elbowed her cheekily.

Her friend hadn't been upset at all over the previous day's blow up and promised Hermione that it would take more than a few rude words to shake her off. She even joined the older girl in the library during their break, but instead of studying she was listing off people she was inviting to Luna's going away party.

"… and I was thinking of maybe inviting some of the old crew but I don't think Aberforth would help smuggle them in and there would be hell to pay if any of the teachers caught on." Ginny scribbled out a few names from the top of her parchment. "Do you think Luna likes anyone? If it's going to be a good party we can't forget to invite them."

"Keep your voice down. Otherwise you'll have to add Madame Pince to your list of invitees. Or just shut up all together. We have exams in a week." Hermione wouldn't have been able to focus on her studies anyway, but the added addition of her friend's yammering didn't help.

"And I have a week to plan the perfect going away party for Luna, Miss Snarky Nark."

Hermione rolled her eyes.

So far the small affair Ginny had been planning had ballooned to a huge inter-house party. The youngest Weasley pleaded innocent, insisting that after a couple of people had asked to bring a plus one word got around and now over 60 names donned the invite list including a couple of younger Slytherins. Hermione tried to argue that the more people went the harder it would be to keep the secret party a secret, but Ginny just shrugged with a grin.

"Luna's actually gotten pretty popular this year."

"You mean you've gotten popular." It wasn't intended to be a jab at the other girl but the bitterness at her own loneliness was hard to mask.

"Hey, there's at least two guys who only asked to go if you're going to be there."

Hermione pointed her quill at the younger girl.

"Don't you dare set me up with anyone."

"'Course not. I know there's only one particularly mature woman for you," she teased back.

Ginny's chair tipped backwards after a misaimed kick from Hermione. Both began to laugh but got caught in the glare of the librarian whose nostrils were flaring more than usual. Hermione muttered an apology and stuck her head back into her reading material.

If only she knew.

It was only a matter of minutes before the Chaser's party talk turned to location. At first they had planned to throw it in Gryffindor common room but as Ginny pointed out to the dark haired woman pointedly holding her book between them, there wouldn't be enough room for everyone to be comfortable. The Hufflepuff prefect had offered theirs but it was harder to get into for other houses. Between that and Ravenclaw tower's riddles Ginny came to the conclusion to use the Room of Reqirements. She waited.

Hermione lowered her book slowly, putting on a calm expression despite her stomach's flip at the mention of it. Between the Battle of Hogwarts and the battle with herself it didn't hold pleasant memories.

Ginny was fiddling with her parchment, but her eyes were concerned. "I didn't know how you'd feel about it 'cause of everything you went through in there which is why I wanted to ask you first. If we use it the room will take care of decorations, everyone will fit and it'll be easier to hide the party from teachers. But if you're not comfortable using it I can probably scale back the invites and stick to Gryffindor."

Hermione forced herself to breathe out. The party meant so much to Ginny and they did want the best for Luna. "It's okay. I don't mind. I've scheduled myself and the Head Boy to patrol that night so the halls should be clear of teachers."


Every day she studied from when she woke up to when she slept, but now Minerva would take time to go through her work with her. It'd only be a hour or so after dinner, but they'd sit together at the desk and whenever it felt like it was getting too much they'd take a break and play cards or chess. It was good to have Minerva or Ginny around, both women attuned to her moods despite having very different ways of handling it. Ginny cracked jokes about the teachers and could be actively distracting, but Minerva would walk her through the problems, correcting her wand grip and movements with a soft touch of a hand. It was calming and a hand on her arm could give her the same butterflies as a kiss. She kept her eyes down. She was imagining things.

Despite all her preparations, the exams came as a shock to Hermione. The timer had ticked down to zero and it seemed like everything was happening in a blur. The hour they were given to write felt like moments, the hours they had between subjects felt like minutes, and the time she got to spend with Minerva was barely anything at all. She sat in the crowded classrooms her quill quivering in her hand, but she once she began the answers came as easily as if she were using a quick quote quill. At least that was how it felt for Charms and Ancient Runes. Arithmacy gave her some difficulty and afterwards she found herself crouched in an empty hallway, crying. Despite this, she forced herself to stand up and keep on going, ignoring the thoughts which had become a constant screaming in her head.

Mudblood! How can you expect to achieve anything? You're a failure. You failed Ron, you failed your parents, you failed everyone. Weak. Weak. Mudblood.

They were distracting, but she thought of Minerva, imagined she was standing beside her with the steady calm she always carried with her. It helped.

Finally, they were over. Her teachers congratulated her, promising she did extraordinarily well. She didn't fully believe them, but one storm had passed and Minerva sat with her while she cried tears of relief.

There were three days and twenty seven minutes until the party.


A/N: Everything about this chapter was a pain. At least the next (super important finally moving) chapter is ready to bust out. And now I have the final count down stuck in my head.