Sup readers?
This chapter may be triggering to anyone who's dealt with suicidal thoughts, and contains significantly more foulmouth language than the others. I promise, I wasn't raised to talk that way, it's just for art's sake!
Thanks for keepin' on keepin' on, and please gimme some reviews!
RIGHT INTENTION
The whole trip felt like suicide. Maybe that was part of the appeal. From stowing away in a jet's landing gear, (on a much longer and colder flight than my last one from Central America) to hiking all the way to Ozernovskiy, to stealing the rowboat from the poor Koryak fisherman (who was all too eager with his rifle), I felt I was clinging to the edge of life, and still had hours of rowing ahead of me. Now that the sun was starting to approach the horizon, I could make out the outline of the island I was looking for: a perfect volcanic cone, rising out of the sea like the fin of some leviathan frozen in place.
Every tendon in my shoulders and back groaned out with fatigue, begging to rest or at least slow down. I gave in, leaning back on my shell so my eyes were locked on the infinite purple of the northern sky, untarnished by human lights. This place was nothing like New York; other than the boundless lapping of waves around me and the occasional distant calls from seabirds, all I could hear were my own thoughts and ragged breath. Having been surrounded by my family for practically all my life, even my time in the jungle hadn't fully gotten me used to the sensation of being so very alone.
According to the books in Splinter's room, Oyakoba Island was home to the last temple of an ancient order of monks. The Japanese used to write poetry about the beauty of the island, with its symmetrical shadow and prominence rivaling even Mount Fuji. The temple there was practically forgotten in the centuries since it was built, left off maps, and the only refuge of some endangered spiritual ways. The monks were said to associate with "kami", or non-human creatures like myself, practice no form of violence or aggression, suppress all emotions, and swear to a life of celibacy. That was the selling point for me.
After what happened back home, I needed to get a handle on myself. I'd always been the stoic one, at least I thought so, and did whatever I needed to do to bring honor to the family. One bad decision, one night of no self-control, and look how the universe repaid me…by taking away my father and sensei. Karma, or fate, or what have you, is cruel. The whole situation had been uncharacteristic of me. I thought I was in control of my emotions and urges. Well, I guess I thought wrong. This was when I needed a sensei the most, to talk me down from my frame of mind and walk me through how I can act honorably, but not only were my actions way too shameful to talk about with Splinter, there was no way I could talk to him ever again.
I'd had a headache since before I left Manhattan. And a stomachache for almost as long, but I think that's from not eating since Kuril Lake. I remember reading about some groups in America that would swear off meat and flavorful food in an attempt to suppress their inner fires and live at peace, so maybe eating nothing at all would have the same effect. To be honest, a strong part of me was okay with not surviving the journey. I knew it was immoral to even think about, but I felt like I deserved it, just as samurai would commit seppuku if they brought shame unto their soul. I'd done that and brought it upon my little brother too. In a few minutes, I'd stop worrying so much and never have to feel the way I felt then again. Whatever happened after that was beyond me, but it had to be better than the status quo. Who knows; maybe I'd even meet Master Splinter again and get the chance to apologize.
I splashed the icy seawater into my face, feeling the sting in my eyes not unlike tears. As it dripped down off of my lips and chin, I noticed I was hyperventilating. My heart practically burst out of my chest. I rested my head in my hands, snorting the frigid water out of my nose and starting to shiver a bit. Any more time letting my mind fall into that train of thought, and all I would do is bring even more dishonor upon myself. I am Hamato Leonardo, son of Hamato Splinter, pupil of Hamato Yoshi, and probably one of the last four in that line to walk the earth. Who even knew if my brothers would continue being ninja? The last time I'd been away from them, Mikey was in a foam mascot head, Raph was…technically practicing ninjitsu, but still living like a fucking goon, and Don was a working a damned tech support hotline. That was when they still had Splinter around to at least attempt to keep them in line. Who knows how long they'd last as just the three of them?
Suddenly, I realized I was acting in the way I'd always chastised Raph for. Running away to try and sort out my issues on my own was unbelievably selfish. As if I hadn't hurt my family enough already, I'd left them to fend for themselves and drifted off to the end of the earth in some haze of depression and angst like I was living in a fucking soap opera. I'd let my mind run wild into even darker corners of immorality than it already had, and come way too far to even think about turning back now. Stupid, stupid, stupid me.
I shook my head, beginning to understand what I'd done by fucking wandering the globe, feeling sorry for myself like I was Cain. Even worse, I'd come ninety-nine percent of the way to a near-deserted island in the damned Arctic Ocean where I could never practice ninjitsu again. How was that going to make up for anything I'd done? Master Splinter always said a leader never goes into a mission without a plan from beginning to end. Well, I guessed I blew it again. All I needed was to find a way to not feel so fucking horny all the time, and now I was going to freeze my tail off in the place where my clan's native school of martial art would die and I probably would too.
I had to admit, the whole ordeal sounded like the best way I could tame these unnatural urges, but I then decided there was no chance I'd stay there any longer than that took. I could swear allegiance to another temple for some time, be it days or decades, but my ultimate purpose in life was to keep the Hamato clan's ninjitsu alive. I love my family, that much was sure, and my true allegiance would always be to them. That's why I'd come all the way across that planet, so I could be the big brother they deserved.
At that moment, watching shades of blue face into the sky as the sun rose behind the mountain, I vowed to never think about ending my life again. I took this journey for a purpose, though I may not have realized it when I started, and in some amount of time my mission would be complete. The thought of returning home one day and being reunited with my brothers, in a state where I wouldn't have to worry about what I'd do to them, is what drove me to keep floating toward the island before me.
I grabbed the fishing pole that the boat's previous owner must have left aboard, whipping the line back then hearing it whirr forward until the lure hit the surf with a delicate plink. Hopefully I'd catch some breakfast before I landed and have enough strength to make the climb to the temple. As the boat drifted closer to my destination and the mountain seemed to grow tenfold in size, I realized just how long of a hike I still had ahead of me.
