A/N: Yes, I know this is a super long chapter but I had a lot I wanted to have happen so I apologize but believe me it's worth it!
Chakwas walked into the newly finished medbay with coffee in hand, it was still incredibly early but she had to check in, to make sure her patient was still sleeping. She set her coffee down on her desk and walked over to the hoverchair parked in front of her patient, as gently as she possibly could she shook the shoulder of the chair's rider. The rider's upper half was sprawled across the legs of the patient, his hat had fallen off sometime during the night and was now haphazardly sitting on the very edge of the bed. He stirred briefly, readjusting his position but his head still remained on the patient's leg with his arm draped across both. She smiled to herself, amazed at the devotion he showed, but he needed to wake up so she could give the patient a once over.
"Jeff," she said in a raised whisper, shaking his shoulder as she spoke. "Jeff, time to get up."
Joker shifted again, his eyes still not opening. "Five more minutes, Mom."
Chakwas rolled her eyes, though slightly amused. "Alright, Jeff, but don't complain when you wake up and see Cortez sitting in your chair."
He bolted awake then, sitting up and looking around, his eyes blinking as they adjusted to the low level of light in the room. When he realized it was just Chakwas, he groaned and laid back down. "Have I ever told you how much I hate you, Doc?"
"Only every time I remind you to take your medicine, do your physical therapy, or tell you to stop eating all that fried food," said Chakwas with a slight chuckle. She handed him a Styrofoam cup which he accepted though he did not budge from his position and she moved back to her desk.
"Much appreciated," he said as he sipped the warm coffee, with his free hand he stroked his love's thigh though it was a slightly awkward position.
Chakwas looked over, a brief smile ghosting her lips. "What time did you get here?" she asked as she rummaged through her drawers, looking for a specific file.
"Maybe an hour after you brought her here," he replied, stifling a yawn. "I couldn't get back to sleep after . . . what happened." He took another sip of his coffee, glancing up at Elissa's sleeping face, her brow was furrowed and lips were moving but nothing escaped them. "I think she's dreaming again."
"That's to be expected," sighed Chakwas as she walked back over. "The sedation was mostly to keep her body still not prevent her from dreaming."
Joker nodded and sat up fully this time, his body creaking as he adjusted himself back into his hoverchair. "When's the sedation going to wear off?"
Chakwas shrugged. "I'm not entirely sure, I gave her enough to ensure at least six hours of sleep, she should be waking up soon if my calculations were correct."
He gave a curt nod, then he noticed the bandages wrapped around her neck, he must have missed them when he first came in. "What're those for?"
She followed where he was looking and immediately wished she had taken off the bandages before waking him up. "She had clawed her neck so badly I needed to apply an obscene amount of medi-gel and the bandages were mostly to make sure she didn't go attacking her neck again. Do you know how long these nightmares have been going on?"
"I know there were getting pretty bad the night we got engaged," said Joker, his voice trembling as he remembered the night he had had to comfort her for the first time in weeks. "What do you think's causing them again?"
Chakwas gently put a hand on his shoulder. "They never stopped, Jeff. She has them more often than you'd think but most nights they aren't that bad, they become worse when she's relaxed, lets her guard down. Haven't you noticed how carefree she's been since we left Omega?"
Joker nodded, mentally kicking himself for not realizing this sooner. "So as long as she thinks we're all going to die the nightmares aren't that bad, but the second she relaxes they come back with a vengeance?"
She nodded slowly. "They used to be bad when she lived in Vancouver and I gave her a sleeping aid, I guess she used them for a while but stopped when she thought she didn't need them anymore." She glanced at Elissa again. "I wish she hadn't stopped taking them. I'm going to give her another bottle and it'll be your job to make sure she takes them."
He laughed bitterly. "Yeah right, the cripple is going to make Commander Shepard take some sleeping pills? Chakwas, I love you but sometimes you're so naïve."
"Either she takes them or I sedate her and keep her in the medbay for observation," reprimanded Chakwas.
Joker audibly sighed, he knew Chakwas meant what she said. "Fine, I'll try to make sure she takes them."
"You'll do more than try if you don't want her breaking your bones in your sleep," warned Chakwas and she moved to take off the bandages from Elissa's neck. When they fell away, Joker winced, her neck was inflamed despite having been slathered in medi-gel and there were red tracks running from her chin past her collar bone.
"I thought medi-gel made everything go back to normal," said Joker, his voice tight as he took a tube from medi-gel from the table beside him. He squeezed a dollop into his hand and starting applying it to her neck, taking care not to press too hard while applying the poultice.
"She's never reacted well to the stuff," sighed Chakwas as she watched him. "I think she's been coated in it so often and for so many years, she's become immune to some of it's healing effects."
Joker nodded slightly, his attention focused more on what he was doing than what Chakwas was saying, his heart aching as his hands glided over her scratches. He did not feel Chakwas move away nor did he hear the doors open and close as the doctor left the room, he leaned over and placed a soft kiss on her forehead then on her lips. "Wake up soon, Elissa, I love you."
He took her hand in his and kissed each fingertip, hoping her eyes would open and he would be greeted by their familiar green color, he felt as if he had been transported back to more than a year ago when he waited for her to recover from the explosion of the Crucible.
'You should go back to the Normandy, Joker,' said Kaidan as he entered with another round of coffee.
He shook his head. 'I'm not going anywhere, Major, not until she wakes up at least.' He glanced across at Kaidan and noticed how dark the circles under his eyes were and how pale he was, maybe he appeared similarly but he could have cared less about his appearance. Right now his attention was focused on the broken woman laying in the hospital bed and his silent prayers that she would pull through.
'You're a good friend,' said Kaidan wearily, he rubbed his eyes and stared at the love of his life. 'Damn it, I wish she'd open her eyes.'
'I know how you feel,' he sighed and reached for her hand, taking it gingerly in his own. 'You look like a zombie, Major, maybe you should go get some sleep.'
Kaidan's reply turned to a yawn. 'I guess I should take advantage of the quiet of the ship before everyone returns. You'll let me know if anything happens, right?'
'Of course, Kaidan,' he said and he gave his friend a weak smile. He watched as the Major left the hospital room, his shoulders low and pace slow, he could tell he was way too tired to be on his feet and needed sleep. He turned his attention back to Elissa, his eyes brimming with tears as he smoothed out her red-brown hair, admiring how in the low light the red in her hair looked like a small halo. 'Please, wake up, Ellie, we need you,' he choked out as he peppered kisses on her hand. 'I need you.'
Joker was shaken from his thoughts when he felt movement from her hand, he looked down and saw that she was starting to wake up. He felt his heart jump to his throat when her eyes opened and were focused on him, she looked a little frightened but after what she had been through he would have expected nothing less. "Hey, babe," he said quietly, squeezing her hand carefully. "How are you feeling?"
"Confused," she said and she felt like her throat was on fire. "What am I doing here? I thought I was sleeping outside with you and the crew."
He rubbed the back of his neck with his free hand, not sure how to tell her that she had had a terrible nightmare and had to be sedated just to get through the night. "Well, Ellie, here's the thing . . . what I mean to say is . . . well . . ."
"Just spit it out, Jeff," sighed Elissa, slightly irritated with her fiance and his reluctance to answer her simple question.
"You had a nightmare," he said quietly, waiting for her reaction to the news.
She blinked at him a few times, the news registering in her mind before she even dared speak. "How bad was it?"
"You mean, you don't remember?" asked Joker, slightly startled that she had no recollection of what had caused her so much pain. He looked in her eyes, he could see the haunted and tormented look behind her eyes but he could tell she was being careful to hide it with ignorance and fear.
Elissa shook her head, she was lying of course but she did not want to tell him her dream, it was too painful to remember right now. She motioned for his coffee and he willingly gave it over, knowing she was probably thirsty from the sedative, he smiled a little when he saw her briefly relax as she drank the coffee.
"Chakwas will probably be in here to give you the run down," said Joker as he took the cup from her hands. "Can I get you anything else?"
She shook her head. "No, I'm fine for right now, all I really want are some answers. Such as what the hell happened last night?!"
"You had a nightmare," said Chakwas as she entered the room, data pad in hand. "You physically assaulted your own neck and screamed like a banshee for the better part of fifteen minutes. Miranda had to contain your body in a stasis field in order for the sedative to be administered then Kal carried you in here and you were under observation for several hours. Joker's been by your side for a majority of your stay."
Elissa's hands trembled as she reached up to her neck, recoiling at the burning and stinging she felt when she applied pressure. "Fuck," she mumbled as she continued to poke her neck, still finding it difficult to believe she actually did this to herself.
Chakwas came over and firmly took her hands away from her neck. "The last thing you need to do is irritate your wounds further, just leave them alone for right now and I'll apply some more bandages and medi-gel."
"No!" snapped Elissa, she was beyond angry at this point. "I don't want any medi-gel! That shit doesn't work anyway!" She ripped her hand out of Joker's then stumbled out of the hospital bed, her legs shaking as she tried to stand.
"Commander, get back in bed!" demanded Chakwas, not about to put up with her usual stubbornness and defiance. Elissa stared at the doctor for a few moments before trying to walk again, using the bed as her support as she made her way to the door.
Joker moved his chair into her path, he was not about to let her get away. "Ellie, you need to calm down, we're here to help you. I know what you saw must've scared you—"
"How could you know?!" she demanded, tears threatening to spill though she forced them not to. "You don't know anything about me or my dreams! Get the fuck out of my way!" She tried to move around the chair but he blocked her path each time, his persistence was getting very annoying. "Either move out of my way or I'm jumping out the fucking window!"
Joker met her glare calmly though he was just as angry if not slightly more, he knew she was shutting down, blocking him out, the last thing he wanted to do was let her retreat and put her walls back up but he could not risk her harming herself. Begrudgingly he moved the chair aside and let her pass by only to see Chakwas move herself in front of the door, a frightening expression on her face.
"Move!" snarled Elissa, her temper flaring to unbelievable heights. Chakwas looked back at her, determination flashing in her eyes. "If I have to tell you again, you'll regret it, Karin!"
Chakwas seemed to take the threat a little more seriously than Joker thought she would have, surely she knew Elissa was just bluffing? Maybe she was just complying to take Elissa by surprise and let her guard down. Whatever her reasons Chakwas stepped aside and Elissa stormed out of the medbay and from the window Joker watched her make her way to the elevator, flipping a table in the process.
He watched as she rounded the corner hidden from view by the column of metal that housed the elevator, he knew she had gone to her cabin, more than likely to trash it, which was her way of venting her frustration. "How could you let her pass?!" he demanded, rounding to Chakwas. "You're supposed to keep her safe, not let her run! What the hell were you thinking?!"
Chakwas pinched the bridge of her nose. "Look, it was either we let her go or risk her injuring herself. Did you really want her jumping through a window?"
Joker groaned, wishing he had the ability to flip a few tables himself. "She wouldn't have done it! She was fucking bluffing just to get you to do what she wanted, don't you realize that?!" He rested his elbows on his knees as his hands cradled his face, he had no idea what to do now, he was not even sure she would be willing to listen to him if he went after her. She had always been incredibly stubborn and while he loved that about her, he knew that trait was her downfall.
"Jeff, do you really think we could've stopped her?" asked Chakwas gently, putting her hand on his shoulder. She smiled slightly when she saw him shake his head. "Look, as much as I wanted to stop her, I knew it wouldn't happen. Right now she's terrified and angry, and I can understand why, trust me, she isn't upset with you at all. Just give her some space and she'll come around, please Jeff, just please trust me."
Joker dropped his hands in defeat, he knew she was right like always but he was just as stubborn as Elissa and he was not about to give up on her without a fight. "If you say so, Chakwas, I think I'll go hang out with the rest of the crew." He left the medbay and headed towards the elevator, ready to press the button that would take him to Elissa's cabin.
Suddenly Chakwas' voice rang out through the deck, nearly making him jump completely out of his seat. "Don't you dare go up to her cabin, Jeffry Moreau!"
"Damn, she has Mom-sense," he mumbled as he pressed the button that would take him instead to the shuttle bay, speaking to the crew might be a good distraction, at least until he thought of a plan of attack.
Elissa sat on the floor in her shower, letting the hot water cascade over her skin it burned like hell but at least everything felt numb, the last thing she wanted to do was feel anything right now. She had lost control and it was all she could do right now not to rip her cabin to shreds, she had already done some damage with a flipped table and throwing everything on her desk onto the floor, in various places of the room. 'Why did it have to happen now? Why that dream?' she wondered as she raised her face to the stream of water, letting it hit her full blast.
The dream had been one she had had before though on only one other occasion and after Chakwas had found her writhing and screaming on the floor of her cabin she made her promise not to breathe a word of it to anyone else. Whether anyone else had heard or if Chakwas had kept her promise she did not know for sure, she had just wanted that dream behind her but it seemed to have other ideas. That did not matter right now, what mattered was getting herself put back together and everything going back to normal, but nothing could really go back to normal, too much had changed.
Her crew had seen her in an incredibly vulnerable position and knew that nothing was as it should be, knew that she had been lying about her state of mind and she could not put that facade back in place. She could not go back to being the invincible Commander Shepard that everyone relied on her to be, hell she'd be lucky to be the indestructible Commander Shepard after this. Even now she could picture the sympathetic faces of her crew, hear their words of encouragement and pity, constantly asking her if she was going to be alright like she would shake apart at the slightest provocation. She slammed her fist into the wall, the last thing she wanted to get from her crew was pity or worse of all: empathy. The last thing she wanted to hear was her crew mates attempting to make her feel better by saying they know what she is going through because they did not know, none of them could.
"Elissa," said EDI overhead, "Admiral Hackett is on the QEC in the war room."
She groaned, okay maybe there was something worse than dealing with sympathy from her crew. "I'll take it in here, EDI, I'm not exactly in the mood to be anywhere else." she said as she stood up and turned off the water.
"Of course, Elissa," said EDI. "Oh, Elissa, one last thing."
"What is it, EDI?" snapped Elissa as she hurriedly dried herself off before wrapping her hair with the towel. She reached for her PT clothes, they were closest in reach and slid them on before stepping out of the bathroom.
"You're not alone in this," said EDI and with that she was gone.
'Great, now I'm getting sympathy from an AI,' she thought as she went over to her desk and activated the screen. Admiral Hackett's face filled the glass, he looked tired and possibly sick but the fierceness in his blue eyes was as present as ever.
"Shepard, glad to see you're still in one piece," said Hackett.
Elissa rolled her eyes. "What? Did Chakwas tell you something different?" she snapped defensively, she could tell he flinched at the bite in her words even though she could not physically see him.
He shook his head. "I haven't spoken to Chakwas since before you left Omega, then I was only confirming that her family was alright. Has something happened that I should know about?"
She was silent for a few moments, letting the question hang there in the air like smoke, debating whether or not she should tell him that she knows his identity as her father. "Nothing we can't discuss later, sir," she said through gritted teeth, as much as she wanted to tell him she knew his reasons for contacting her now was far more important than their personal relationship.
"Alright then," said Hackett lightly, somehow she knew he knew what she actually wanted to talk about but was going to drop it for now. "How's your crew? How are the families? Are the Quarians treating you alright? What about the Geth?"
Elissa leaned back on her hips, her arms crossed. "The crew and their families are fine, I've never seen my crew so happy. The surviving Geth have remained in the Quarian inhabited cities, the admiralty board has not told us why but I didn't want to press them for answers, the only Geth I cared about is long gone now." She swallowed hard remembering Legion, taking a few moments before continuing. "As for the Quarians, they've pretty much left us alone, the only time we really got to see the other admirals was when Liara's daughter was born and they whisked her off to the capital. I swear, they made a bigger deal out of that baby then they did when they got their homeworld back. Other than that we haven't had much interaction with them, save for Admiral Raan and Kal'Reegar."
"I remember Reegar, he was on Haestrom with you and Admiral Tali'Zorah, Vega calls him Rocket Man," said Hackett fondly.
Elissa raised an eyebrow. "How'd you know about that?"
"I do have ears, Shepard, I heard them speaking at the memorial last year," replied Hackett, "you don't forget hearing a story like that nor a nickname . . . Lola."
She blushed, okay so maybe he did know about a few things. "Just calling to check in then, sir?"
"Sadly no," sighed Hackett, "although I do have a few updates for you. First off, I found the mole on my ship it was one of my engineers, he had been feeding information to Aria and to the Alliance but it was mostly about me. I found his correspondences to the brass and to Aria, the only thing that mentioned you was a message to Aria saying you were going to cause trouble for Afterlife if you stayed any longer. That would explain why she had an army ready but I still don't understand why someone shot her."
"Maybe it was meant for me," said Elissa thoughtfully. "I've been getting reports from some of the family members that they were approached by someone before an attempt was made on their life. Whomever is doing this knows way too much personal information about my crew for this to be coincidence."
Hackett nodded. "You're absolutely right, but we don't have any proof of that yet. Have you found anything further on Remaldia or Leviathan?"
"No, sir, my focus has been getting my ship repaired and my crew reacquainted with their families," replied Elissa sternly. "When we get the time I plan on hunting down Leviathan again and getting some answers, though I don't expect to get any that would satisfy my curiosity."
"You were always insatiable when it came to getting answers and understanding circumstances," chuckled Hackett. "Have the necessary repairs to the Normandy been made?"
"Yes, sir, the medbay has been repaired to its original state only the structure has been reinforced in case another explosion like that happens again," said Elissa sounding almost proud as she spoke. "EDI's mobile platform has also been fully repaired and she's fully integrated back into it, from what I was told she'll be with Comm Specialist Traynor taking in the sights of Rannoch today."
"Good, that's good," said Hackett and Elissa could tell he was deep in thought. "I believe the time has come for you and your crew to leave Rannoch."
Elissa blinked, that was not what she had expected to hear from him at all. "Sir, why? We're safe here, the crew's happy, why do we have to leave?"
Hackett rubbed his eyes and sighed. "I'm not going to lie to you, Shepard, but I have reason to believe that the Council knows you're on Rannoch and are preparing a strike against you."
"What about the families?" asked Elissa, panic racing through her body. "If the Council knows we're here then they know about the families, what's going to happen to them?"
"I would suggest sending them to Earth but I haven't heard in from those I've already sent there," said Hackett, furrowing his brow. "I'm getting worried about our situation, Shepard, it's becoming more and more precarious the longer we don't do anything. As for the families, it's up to them really what they do, though I wouldn't suggest putting off your departure too long."
Elissa rested her forehead in her hand, this was frustrating. "Thank you, sir, I'll inform the crew and we should be gone by tomorrow. Has there been any word on Cerberus?"
"Other than that they're attempting to gain a foothold on the Citadel and even that intel isn't as reliable as I'd like it to be," replied Hackett.
"Alright, I'll speak with my crew and we'll depart Rannoch, maybe stay in space for a while or head to Tuchanka," said Elissa sternly, she was ready to disconnect the QEC when she thought of one more thing to add. "Sir, I must confess to something."
Hackett raised an eyebrow. "Oh? What's that, Shepard?"
She swallowed hard, slightly embarrassed at what she was about to tell him. "I must confess to . . . fraternization."
"If you're referring to Moreau, I'm already aware of the situation, Shepard," replied Hackett, giving her a small smile. "Congratulations, Elissa."
"Thank you, sir," said Elissa relieved that she was not in any trouble with her superior and father. "Alright, I guess I need to return to the business at hand."
"Wait!" cried Hackett. She paused, her finger hovering above the button that would cut off the connection. "There's one more thing and it's . . . it's not the best news."
Elissa prepared herself for the worst, ready for any bad news.
"You've been dishonorably discharged from the Alliance and have been accused of kidnapping Alliance personnel," said Hackett sadly.
She was not prepared for that news. It took all she had in her not to scream, cry, and throw her chair through the screen which was saying something after the day she's been having.
"I'm sorry, Elissa, I know this is a cold blow," he continued, "I tried everything I could to prevent this from happening but I guess being away from the brass this long has its consequences."
"When did it happen? I thought the brass was convinced I wasn't the monster the Council was painting me as," said Elissa through gritted teeth.
"It just happened a few days ago, the brass has been changed out apparently to people who are biased against you and the Normandy's crew," said Hackett. "We need to fix this mess as soon as possible, Shepard, or I need to instead of running away from the brass. I might head back to Vancouver and do just that, but I want to meet up with you on New Canton before you go anywhere else."
"Of course, sir," said Elissa quietly. "Shepard out." She closed the channel and sat at her desk, this was too much, first the nightmare and now she's been discharged? What the hell were they to do now?
"How's Lola doing, Joker?" asked James as he started polishing his favorite rifle.
Joker looked up, his eyes red and face drawn, he was doing everything in his power not to rush back up to her cabin and demand entry until he could no longer stand it he was going to obey Chakwas' orders for once. "She flipped a table after threatening to jump out of a window, what does that tell you?"
James sighed as he slowly polished the metal of his gun. "That she needs someone to talk to, which begs the question why you aren't there with her right now."
"Chakwas banned me from being in her room for a little while, otherwise I'd be there right now," sighed Joker as he picked at the food in front of him. "Damn it, why does she do this?"
"Who? Chakwas?" asked James as he re-dipped the rag into the polish. "She does it because she doesn't want you broken beyond repair."
"No, not Chakwas!" snapped Joker, rolling his eyes. "I mean Elissa! She's trying to close me out again! I can't let her do that, James, we have to get through to her somehow!"
James put his free hand up in surrender. "Hey, preaching to the converted here, amigo. I know how Lola can be, you forget I was with her during the worst six months of her life, up until that point at least. For weeks she was despondent and snapped at everyone, I wasn't sure I liked her much at that point, I mean who'd want to be friends with such a perra?" He saw the glare on Joker's face and knew he needed to continue immediately or face the pilot's wrath. "Then she did something so amazing, I finally realized why everyone who knew her said she was such a paragon."
"What'd she do?" asked Joker, very curious now, James and Elissa had never really spoken about her incarceration before the war started.
He put his rifle down and leaned closer to Joker, a smile on his face. "We were walking through a park back from one of her psych evals, she was still being all depressed and bitchy when out of nowhere this small ship sails right into her head! I thought it was a bullet at first, you know since that's what we had been told to expect, so the guards and I set up a tight perimeter around her ready for another attack. Then from out of nowhere this group of kids runs up to us, each one had a ship in hand except this one little girl, she looked up at as and asked if we had seen her toy ship. I of course said we hadn't but then Lola stepped from behind us with the ship in hand, she handed it back to the little girl and told her she had a great model ship. I had expected her to snap at the little girl and break the model ship, but no, instead she was sweet to her and smiled at her which we had never seen her do before.
"Then they got to talking about models and Lola told her about the huge collection she had and how she was no longer able to have them, not mentioning that she was Commander Shepard or the Normandy at all, then the kids asked her if she wanted to play with them. She said she would love to but the rest of the guards plus me would have to be included, the kids agreed and we spent the rest of the afternoon playing with them. Lola was laughing and having a great time with those kids, she was telling them stories and coming up with games for them to play, she even bought them ice cream. I couldn't remember ever having a better day than that one, she seemed to cast a spell on all of us that made us forget our worries and allowed us to relax. Before we left, the same little girl came up to Lola and gave her the toy ship, telling her she needed it more than she did. Lola looked as if she had just been given the key to her freedom and she bent down, hugging the little girl tight. That night she told me to find out who that girl was and send her some more model ships, all at her expense. Turns out that little girl was a ward of one of the soldiers at HQ and was very surprised to see the huge box of models on his doorstep, they never found out who sent them either."
"Then how'd you know they were surprised by the box?" asked Joker, his body more relaxed as he listened to James' story.
"I heard him talking about it a few days later in the mess, said if he ever found out who sent the box he'd take them out to dinner as a thank you," said James, shrugging his shoulders. "I almost told him but I thought Lola's good deed should remain anonymous, like she wanted it to be."
Joker smiled. "So that made you change your mind about her?"
James nodded. "Indeed it did, I figured anyone who could play with kids like that and then give a gift that nice to a complete stranger couldn't be such a perra after all. Funny enough after that day, she started acting more like how I had heard of her, kind and funny with a comeback for every smart remark. She'll come around, Joker, just like she always does."
"I know she will, but sometimes it takes an act of God to shake her out of it," sighed Joker, resting his head on his arms. "I just wish she hadn't jumped away so fast, all I wanted to do was help her, you know?"
"Compadre, again you're preaching to the converted," laughed James, clapping him gently on the back. "How do you think I felt when Miranda left me in D.C? You remember what happened, don't you?"
Joker grinned. "I remember but I'm surprised you do, that was one helluva bender you went on, two weeks of bourbon and tequila, I'm still surprised you were able to function after all that liquor."
James rolled his eyes and smirked. "At least I can handle my drink, didn't you pass out on Lola's bar after just a few of those frilly drinks with the umbrellas?"
"Hey!" protested Joker though he really did not have any ground to stand on in this argument. "I . . . was just super tired that night . . . it was a long day for me."
"Whatever you say, Joker," James chuckled warmly. "Where are Hilary and Kolyat, by the way? I thought they'd be hanging around here for news on Lola."
Joker shook his head. "They were but I told Hilary to take EDI and Traynor on a tour of Rannoch in the shuttle and to bring Kolyat with her, I said I'd message them if there was any news."
James' ears perked up when he heard what Joker said. "Wait, EDI and Traynor are on a date? Like a real date?"
"Yeah, why shouldn't they be?" asked Joker, slightly defensive.
"Hey, man, calm down I'm not insulting organic-synthetic relationships it's just a little surprising is all," said James calmly as he resumed his polishing of his rifle.
Joker shrugged. "Why? Traynor and EDI have always expressed interest in each other, even after EDI and I were dating. I can't really fault Traynor, you love whom you love, you just can't help it."
"Very true, amigo, very true," said James as he watched Miranda enter the mess hall, his little cousin Patrice following closely behind her. He watched as she smiled and laughed with the little girl before turning back to Joker. "We're going to have kids someday."
Joker almost choked on his drink. "What? I thought she couldn't have any."
"Mordin had created a kind of treatment for her before he died and Quaes gave it to her the same day he gave you your cure," replied James as he thought about the children he and Miranda would someday have. "I think I'll name the first girl after mi abuela, Carmen."
"What if it's a boy?" asked Joker.
"Then he'll be named after Emilio," said James with a shrug. "I'm just thrilled I'll be a father someday, I mean, I would've been just fine adopting children with Miranda but there's something about having your own children that makes them extra special."
Joker nodded, ever since he and Elissa had decided to have children naturally he had had a feeling similar to what James was expressing and it was wonderful. He was about to respond but he heard his omni-tool ping and then James' went off, simultaneously they opened them and saw Elissa's tired face looking back at them.
"Attention Normandy crew," she said, her voice had an edge as she spoke, "begin preparations for departure, we are leaving Rannoch at first light tomorrow morning. I am sending you each a detailed list of duties that must be done before dinner tonight, the tasks have already been divided up between you. As for your families, please discuss with them either staying on Rannoch, living on the Normandy, or being transferred to a different colony. Shepard out."
James and Joker shared a concerned look as they readied themselves to leave the mess, James gathering his rifle and polishing supplies while Joker tried to move his hoverchair out from the aisle between two tables.
"Think something bad happened to Hackett?" asked James as they left the mess.
"I'm not really sure, at this point anything's possible," replied Joker, he looked back and saw that Miranda was still sitting in the mess with Patrice as if she had not heard Elissa's announcement. "Hey, Miranda! You weren't excluded from the duty roster!"
She looked up with a puzzled look on her face. "What on earth are you talking about, Moreau?"
Joker rolled his eyes. "Uh, the announcement Elissa just made via omni-tool, saying we're leaving Rannoch and have a shit-ton of work to do before dinner? Any of this ringing a bell in that pretty head of yours?"
"Well that explains it, I'm not wearing my omni-tool," said Miranda haughtily as she carried Patrice out of the mess, following behind James and Joker.
"Why aren't you wearing your omni-tool, Princess?" asked Joker as they headed towards the parked Normandy. "Isn't like our lifelines out here?"
"I just forgot to put it on," said Miranda lightly. "I'll put it on when we get back to the ship and don't call me 'Princess.'"
"Whatever you say . . . Princess," said Joker and he sped away laughing.
Elissa was puzzled, she was trying to come up with a way to house everyone on the Normandy plus their families safely without crowding in on each other, several had messaged her saying they would be living on the Normandy instead of staying on Rannoch. She had already decided to give Liara back her quarters which would also house Aethyta and Talissa, James and Miranda would be moved downstairs to the shuttle bay with Steve, Kolyat and Hilary would be put in the life support room. The starboard observation lounge would be an excellent place for Chakwas' large family, the main members of the crew would have their sleeper pods, while some of the smaller families like Samantha's and James' would stay in the crew's quarters, same with Garrus' family. Brynn, Nick and Jacob could be in the port side cargo room, maybe paired up with Ken's mom and dad since they got along so well before. Her own mother was already staying in the medbay by choice, Quaes had requested staying there too since he was planning on being the Normandy's resident scientist. Jack was already living back in her hole under the stairs in engineering, so that just left the starboard cargo room available for now. It was going to be tight but manageable as long as they did not gain more crew members on the way.
"EDI, what's our readiness status?" asked Elissa as she finalized the sleeping arrangements. She had still not told the crew what was really going on, dismissing their questions with flippant responses and telling them through EDI they needed to trust her.
"Most of the crew have finished their initial duties and are moving onto others, several members have been requesting entry into your cabin," said EDI. "As per your orders, I have denied them access though Joker has been most insistent."
Elissa gave a small grunt as a response, she was not up for seeing anyone right now, especially him. "That's fine, keep them out until I say otherwise."
"Of course, Elissa," said EDI. "I have a question about human behavior?"
"Is this about you and Traynor?" asked Elissa as she pushed some hair out of her face.
"No, this concerns you specifically," replied EDI and Elissa looked up from her schematics.
"Okay, EDI, what is it?" asked Elissa as she headed for her desk.
"Your crew appears to want to help you through your ordeal but you are shutting them out, why is that?" asked EDI. The question was blunt but specific in nature, Elissa would have preferred a more vague question that required some philosophical answer, not one that would make her look at herself.
"I can't stand pity," said Elissa grimly.
"I don't believe the crew is demonstrating pity," said EDI sounding like she was chastising her. "On the contrary, I believe they are showing signs of concern, Joker is showing something more reminiscent of grief."
Elissa felt her heart sink, the last thing she had wanted to do was hurt Joker. "I just can't deal with them right now, that's all."
"So far you have given me two answers but neither seem to be the honest one," said EDI, "perhaps you can't answer the question because you yourself don't know it."
"This cross examination is finished, EDI," snapped Elissa and she retreated to her bed, flopping into it without a care.
"No, Commander, it's not," said EDI defiantly. "I have a hypothesis for your behavior."
"Oh fan-fucking-tastic," huffed Elissa and she buried her head under her pillow.
"I'm not going to tell you my hypothesis," replied EDI, "instead I'm going to activate my surprise for you and that will be all."
Elissa sat up and threw her pillow up at the ceiling, wanting to hit EDI though she knew she couldn't. "Fine, you glorified sex bot, that's just fine with me!"
There was no response, just silence, which upset Elissa even more. She wanted EDI to come back even if it was just to argue but she knew she had probably insulted the AI in some strange way and she would not come back. She laid back down on the bed and pulled the second pillow over, immediately regretting it, she could smell Joker's cologne on it and it was heavenly. Her heart ached even more when she thought how cruel she was being to him and by extension the rest of the crew, EDI was right, she was not being honest instead she was hiding and dodging the real reason at every turn. Suddenly she heard something activate on her table, she looked up and saw a cube like the one Liara had used to record their history, it was projecting an image of the Normandy. Her curiosity was piqued beyond belief now and she walked over to the cube, pressing the button she knew would reveal its secrets. EDI's voice was filling the room though it was emanating from the cube and not the ceiling.
"These are personal accounts of Commander Elissa Jacqueline Shepard from the eyes of her family," said EDI, "each member was asked to give a favorite memory of the Commander which I have recorded onto this hard drive as a way to show her how much she truly means to the crew. The honor of the first memory goes to the Commander's mother, Left Rear Admiral Hannah Marie Shepard."
The image of the Normandy switched to Hannah. "My favorite memory of my daughter? Where do I start?" Hannah laughed and Elissa smiled. "I guess my favorite memory would have to be when she was about five or six years old, I was on leave and had decided to take her to California, so she could feel some land under her feet and see the ocean. We spent the days splashing in the water, going to boardwalk fairs, and building sandcastles while that was fun it wasn't what made that vacation stand out. It was what happened at night after we'd return to our hotel room, we went to bed and I remember waking up sometime that night and noticed Jackie was gone and then heard crying. I got out of bed and went looking for her, I heard her on the balcony a blanket wrapped around her shoulders and looking up at the sky. I remember I said, 'Jackie, honey, why're you crying?' she turned to me with the saddest look I had ever seen and she told me that she missed the stars. From her room on the ship I was stationed on she could see the stars which were like a comfort blanket to her, I looked up at the sky and for the life of me I couldn't find a single star there was too much light. I wasn't sure who was sadder then, her or me, but looking back that was when I knew my daughter would settle for nothing short of the stars and I have to say I was right."
Elissa went to wipe away a tear only to find that her cheeks were already wet. The image of her mother switched over, this time to James. She smiled as he went into the story about how she taught him how to play chess while he was her guard and she his prisoner, he said he learned more about her by their discussions over the chessboard than he ever would have reading any report. It had been forever since she had thought about those long boring days when she had nothing better to do than sit on her ass and wait for the brass to finally listen to her, she was glad when those days were broken up by James' daily chess lessons and writing training programs for Anderson.
She quickly dismissed the thoughts of her former mentor and instead focused on the next image which was of Ken and Gabby. They described how she had been the one who pushed them together, encouraging their relationship even though it was during a time when all hope seemed lost. She smiled even bigger, while she was glad they credited her with bringing them together, she couldn't help but shake her head, she knew those two would have gotten together even if she had not intervened. The image switched to Jacob he recounted how she had continually counseled and reassured him that he would be a good father to his unborn child even while she was still sitting in a hospital bed broken and bruised. Then he went on to say how he remembered the day he and Brynn had asked her to be their son's godmother and the way she had glowed with pride when they handed Nick over to her, and how she had cried when they told her his middle name was Elliot in honor of her. Samantha spoke about when they went to the arcade together and how she had distracted her opponent long enough for her to win the tournament, to her it was a sign that she was truly part of the Normandy's crew.
Elissa sat there and listened to each of her friends give a testimony on their friendship, each one either making her laugh or shed a few tears. Jack spoke about how she would come down to speak with her just to make sure she was doing alright, not even flinching whenever she would talk about her past, which was pretty brutal and heartbreaking. Miranda reminisced about the way she had encouraged her to have a relationship with her little sister even though she was dead set against it, grateful to her now that she had meddled after all. Chakwas was next and she blushed as she spoke about the first time they drank together and how she had been forced to rest on the nearest hospital bed while Elissa had gotten up just fine and walked away unscathed. Garrus mentioned the time when he was tracking Sidonis and how she had stopped him from what he knew now would have been the biggest mistake of his life, and afterwards how she had told him vengeance was never the answer if it resulted in another lost life. Steve remembered how understanding and compassionate she had been when he told her about his husband Robert and about the joy ride they had shared on the Citadel, how it was a carefree reckless moment he never regretted despite how illegal it was.
Tali said she would forever be grateful to her for not turning over the damning evidence against her father, nor speaking out about it to anyone, letting her tell those she knew would not make harsh judgements against him. Kasumi remembered how willing she had been to help her get Keiji's graybox back and persuading her to do what she wanted with the box even though it might contain sensitive information that could destroy the Alliance; she said she's glad she kept the memories since they gave her an escape when things in life seemed too terrible to live through. Liara spoke about the night she came over during their shore leave and taught her how to play the piano, she admitted that she lied about what Elissa had taught her, saying that along with getting herself into life threatening situations on a daily basis she also taught her about honor, duty, friendship and loyalty; lessons she hoped to pass onto her own daughters. The last and most anticipated image was Joker.
"I've got it, my favorite memory of Elissa is when we met back up after Miranda and Jacob brought her to Minutemen Station. I still remember waiting outside the communications room for her to finish up her debriefing with the Illusive Man, planning my dramatic entrance and my first witty comment, when I heard my cue I entered the room and froze. There she was, standing in front of me again a huge smile on her face as if I had been the one gone instead of her, everything I had planned on doing or saying went right out the window. I remember thinking, 'I've got her back, she's alive,' and making up my mind then and there that I would make her transition back into the world as smooth and painless as possible. Then she hugged me, tight too, I thought she might crack a rib but it felt good.
"We left the comm room and started talking, I told her about how everything we had worked for during the battle against Saren and the Geth had gone sideways, such as the crew's disbandment and my being grounded. I also remember telling her how the Alliance had taken away the one thing that had ever meant anything to me, I knew she thought I was talking about flying the Normandy, but actually I was talking about her. If they hadn't agreed with the Council to send her out there to Geth space, the Normandy wouldn't have gotten attacked and she would've lived. So in their own indirect way, the Alliance took her away from me, and I lost my motivation to fly hence my grounding. She's been my reason for keeping up the fight even when the odds were bleak, and without her, I had no reason to fight anymore which is also why that memory is also my favorite: I felt the urge to fight again thanks to her."
Elissa sat back in her chair, completely numb from all she had heard, she felt incredibly stupid for thinking her friends would look at her differently just because she had one nightmare but it was still hard to go to them. If after everything they had been through had not shaken their confidence in her then why would this? She sat there and looked at the small box, expecting it to close when suddenly an image of EDI's mobile platform appeared.
"Instead of adding another memory to these already, I have decided I will add an observation instead," said EDI. "There have been many references to Shepard as the soul of the Normandy and Joker as the heart, when I first heard this I must admit I did not understand the true symbolism. I took the observation in the literal meaning, that both Joker and Shepard must be present in order for the Normandy to function, and in a way that is true but I have discovered a deeper meaning. Joker represents the heart as he gives life to the ship, and not just to her engines, instead he gives her the ability to dance as they say under his guidance, under his command the Normandy is not merely a tool but something more. If he were to be removed, my calculations and observations would indicate the Normandy would only function as a weapon and not be the thing of beauty it is today. Shepard is the soul as she gives the Normandy purpose, making it a force for good instead of a symbol of evil, she is the most essential part of the Normandy for while a being may exist with a heart it is nothing without its soul. When she was incarcerated I noted how lost everyone seemed, how empty the Normandy felt, she breathes life into the ship. Which is why I'm glad we did not lose her for without her my calculations indicate we would all feel the same emptiness and sense of being lost."
She was dumbstruck, lost for words at what she had just heard from the AI's mouth, now she was really feeling like a fool. 'I really don't deserve my friends, but I'm glad I have them,' she thought as she laid on the couch and tried to get a view of the stars above.
Joker's voice suddenly echoed through the room. "Ellie, can I come in now?"
Elissa sat up immediately and went over to her door, putting in the access code, the door opening to reveal a very distraught looking Joker. She smiled at him and leaned down to kiss him, taking pleasure in the euphoria his touch brought, she backed away and allowed him access. "How long have you been waiting out there?" asked Elissa guiltily as he rolled into the room.
"Do you really want an answer to that question?" replied Joker his voice tight.
She shook her head. "No, I guess not. Look, I'm sorry for this morning."
"That's all you've got to say? Really?" sighed Joker as he faced her, arms crossed. "I think I'm entitled to an explanation for why you went psychotic Commander this morning."
Elissa threw her hands up in defeat. "What do you want me to say, Jeff? I was a total bitch to you when all you were doing was trying to talk me off the ledge."
Joker's expression softened. "Talk to me, Ellie, please."
She felt like she wanted to run but she willed her body to remain still, the last thing she wanted to do now was tell him that she had been terrified, that her mind was scarier than any adversary she had ever faced before. Maybe he might help her out but that would require her to openly speak about her nightmares, something she had not even done in her therapy sessions, the only person she had really confided in was Kaidan and that went over well. "I don't know if I can, Jeff," she whispered after a few moments of silence. "It's not easy for me to talk about."
Joker came over and took her hands, his grey-green eyes sparkling in the low light with as much love and devotion as there had ever been. "I know, baby, just try."
Elissa closer her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to stop shaking as she thought about her nightmares and PTSD. "Okay, well, I reacted the way I did because my dreams, nightmares, terrify me. They seem so real that I would bet my life they were actually happening and last night wasn't the first time I had hurt myself during a nightmare, but this was the worst occurrence." She peeked through her eyelids and saw he was still watching her with an impassive mask.
"That still doesn't answer why you were, for lack of a better phrase, a raging bitch," said Joker, squeezing her hands.
"Imagine this, you've been hiding a secret and this secret happened to be your weakness, and then suddenly it comes out in front of everyone you care about," said Elissa uneasily. "That's what happened to me last night, I've never told anyone about my dreams and then they all found out in the worst possible way. I felt like because they saw me in that state, I lost their confidence in my abilities, made them stop seeing me as the indestructible Commander Shepard." She opened her eyes and saw him smiling at her.
Joker shook his head, slightly amused yet deeply humbled that she was confiding her fears in him. "Ellie, honey, you didn't lose their confidence if anything you inspired more."
"What do you mean?" asked Elissa, now very confused.
"You face your demons nearly every time you fall asleep, relive the worst moments of your life yet somehow you still manage to carry on," said Joker softly. "The fact you can still wake up in the morning and trudge through another mission, taking on the stress each day brings plus what haunts your past, is nothing short of amazing."
Elissa's eyes went wide, she had never thought about it that way. "Wow . . . I feel like an idiot now."
"You shouldn't," said Joker firmly. "If anything you should feel proud, you are still the strongest woman in the entire galaxy and not for godlike reasons but for human ones."
She leaned down and kissed him again. "You're right, as usual, Jeff. Maybe it's time I came out of my room."
Joker smiled as they exited her cabin."You know something, Ellie, for once you might actually be right."
"Has anyone heard anything on Shepard?" asked Garrus as he carried in a crate of supplies into the shuttle bay.
James came in shouldering a large bag. "Can't say I have, Scars. EDI's kept her under lock and key, no one's allowed in without Lola's consent. I tried getting in there just a little while ago, I stood outside her door with Joker both of us were trying to reason with EDI but she didn't budge. I think Joker's still there actually, he told Esteban to run his maintenance checks on the Normandy, you know he's in a bad state when he lets someone else touch his baby."
"I think she's being a tad ridiculous," sighed Miranda as she biotically carried in some spare parts for the shuttles.
James placed the bag down and gave Miranda a harsh glare. "Says the woman who throws a minor tantrum whenever she isn't able to get in contact with her sister exactly when she wants to."
Miranda went to say something but scowled instead, James having won the argument in one fail swoop. He smirked to himself and went back to his work, thinking about the nightmares he has had about Fehl Prime, still hearing the buzzing of the swarmers as they invaded, the blood curdling screams of the colonists as they were taken away by the Collectors. "You know, Lola isn't the only one who has dreams . . . I still see Fehl Prime."
Garrus nodded, a grim look crossing his mandibles. "I can still hear the screams of my men when the Blood Pack gunned them down . . . some nights I can't sleep."
Shame flooded Miranda's cheeks. "I still see Sanctuary and what my father did to those poor refugees."
"Not so high and mighty now are you, Cheerleader," sneered Jack as she past by.
"Fuck off, bitch," snarled Miranda as she resumed her work of organizing the spare parts.
Jack snorted. "Seriously? You call Shepard ridiculous and then when someone attacks you for the same thing, you get all defensive? Talk about a hypocrite."
"Hey, hey, play nice everyone," said Elissa as she and Joker entered the shuttle bay hand in hand.
The crew looked up and when they saw her rushed towards her with smiling face glad to see that she had finally decided to come out of her bedroom.
"Lola! How are you feeling?" asked James as he gave her a bear hug.
"You had us worried for a minute there, Shepard," said Garrus, clapping her on the back as she struggled against James' embrace.
James released her just in time for Jack to come up and land a well placed punch on her shoulder. "Fuck, Shep, we thought you were down for the count."
"Nothing can break Lisa," said Miranda as she gave her a hug though not as enthusiastic as James' had been.
"So are you going to tell us why we're leaving Rannoch or keep us in the dark?" asked Steve as he came out from underneath one of the shuttles.
Elissa opened her mouth ready to answer all questions when she heard a siren outside of the Normandy. She walked straight past her crew and down the ramp, wondering what was going on and why the sirens were going off, when she got outside she immediately saw the reason there were several fleets of shuttles entering Rannoch's air space. Her first thought was the Council and Alliance had launched their attack against her but as the shuttles came in closer she got a better look at the insignia on their sides. Her blood ran cold and everything in her was telling her to run and get the crew, for the symbol was one she had hoped to never see again. Cerberus had arrived.
