Quartday, Sarnat 17th 067.M42
Today is my 29th nameday. 29 orbits of that star we call Velorum, the light of which I've seen directly through my own eyes maybe three times in my life. 29 years in the centre of a mass of metal and plascrete, surrounded by billions of other people. Humans everywhere, above, below and around. On every side of me. Less than a fraction of a handful who even know I exist, let alone my name or that it's even a day of any importance to me.
Spending my nameday at work isn't something I'm unaccustomed to, though actually waking up on the morning of already in the office was something of a novelty for me.
As was waking up to see Maddy kneeling at the end of my sleeping sack, holding a sweet-starch roll with a candle stuck into the top of it. It wasn't lit, fire is prohibited in the office - and especially in the stacks. To say I was surprised is just… the understatement of the millennium, if I'm entirely honest. But it was probably the sweetest thing that anyone's ever done for me. She went out immediately after her shift ended, taking time out of the limited hours she had to rest and get sleep, just to not only buy me a sweet-starch roll, but to find a candle for it for me. It was a little golden Aquila.
She is just the… most beautiful woman I've ever known. She's so sweet and friendly, I've never heard her say a bad word about another person. The whole way through this stretch of work, she's always, always been positive. Not in a fake obnoxious way either. She just has this way of finding the positive even when it seems like there shouldn't be anything to be positive about. When she smiles, her nose scrunches up and her eyes crease a little but she lights up amazingly. And her laugh is infectious. She just makes me want to laugh every time she does, seeing her happy makes me happy too.
We finally talked about what happened a couple of weeks ago. She apologised for just kissing me like that and then disappearing without saying anything. She said she was… confused and… wasn't sure what she wanted - which was kind of a blow to hear, if I'm honest again. Nobody wants to hear "I didn't know what I wanted, so I kissed you and ran away and then didn't talk to you for over two weeks". But when she explained more, I get it. I get it all now.
The arguments and disputes I've been having with myself about whether I should pursue her or try to discourage her and just keep her as a polite friend - she said she's been having those arguments with herself, from the other side. She really enjoyed spending time with me and she thinks I'm attractive (wonky nose and all, how's that?). But she was worried - she's new to the Office. I'm her supervisor. What will it look like to everyone else? Throne knows that the gossip in this place is insidious. Apparently there's already been talk about us, not that I've heard it, but she says she's caught people discussing it a few times though they knock it off as soon as they realise she's in earshot. And she doesn't want it to look like she's just trying to sleep her way up the ladder.
I told her how I felt too. How I'd been having the same thoughts and confusion. I didn't want to make it look like I was favouring her, especially when she performed so well for someone so new. Though I didn't even think how the gossip would affect her, self-centred prick that I am. I was too worried about my reputation. Even that made her laugh. And we talked it out, and we decided that… well… We'd like to see each other. Properly see each other. Quietly. We won't make a big deal of things in the Office. We're going to go out to dinner again, she might come over to my place one night to watch a holovid. She said she'd invite me to hers, but she still lives with her Mum and one of her brothers. Meeting the family… that can wait a bit, I think.
She kissed me again, then we shared the sweet-starch roll for breakfast before we got up for the day.
I think this might be my best nameday ever.
Thought for the Day: A life is a terrible thing to waste. Make the most of every blessing the Emperor provides, for to do anything less is a sin.
